Did you have expectations after sex?

[Hope Shimmers]

I have met a wonderful, faithful man. He is my husband and I am very fortunate that he is putting up with me after the crap I have put him through. I will not take it for granted.

 

I was just pointing out how sad this topic is. It doesn't have to be this way and we do it to ourselves.

 

 

Thanks SS for understanding what I was trying to say. I'm glad you met someone who proved the others wrong - I did too. It is a sad topic, and my point was that we do it to ourselves. I am as much or more guilty of that than anyone.

[GirlStillStrong]

Wow, way to put words (paragraphs) in my mouth.

 

My ex-MM told me the same thing. In hindsight, I should have known better, both at the beginning of the relationship (which was not an affair at at that point) and while I ignored several red flags for a period of years. So yes, I got what I deserved.

 

Sorry to have offended you. Nowhere did I say you were a bad person/attract bad mates. But yes, I do believe our decisions tend to come back and bite us, and being in an A is one of those. I am guilty of that too.

1. I'm not offended. These are honest questions and sharing.

2. I wasn't putting words or paragraphs in your mouth. Maybe I did not understand what you were saying; that's why I replied.

 

Sorry for the misunderstanding

[Southern Sun]

What's odd is on this thread and the one titled TRUTH, is filled with responses from MW who are not being honest with their husbands. Women who subject their husbands to the same treatment that they claim they don't/didn't deserve. The irony of it all is amazing.

 

I responded to this comment on the other thread.

[jbrent890]

I'm 100% single and have never cheated on anyone that I've been with. So don't paint everyone with a wide brush because you're offended that some people are doing the same to men please.

 

But he didn't do that. Nowhere in his post did he say that all women cheat. What he did do was call out the hypocrisy of some of the responses of the MW commenting, which I do agree with. To the other point, besides drunkingly making out with two girls my freshman year of college (which I confessed to) I have never cheated in a serious relationship. I met and known plenty of men in this world world who have not cheated. I find these posts hilarious because I'm sure there are a ton of BHs on the infedility forum that feel the same way about women. It's not a battle of the sexes anymore. There just people that cheat and don't cheat.

[Owl6118]

What man is not deceitful? What man is true to his word? I've only ever found ONE.

 

It is sad. But not limited to one gender. The pain of betrayal by my female love in my youth has stayed with me all my life. In fact, becuase that old pain was so deep and lasting, becuase it changed by attitudes towards sex and intimacy in ways that were having negative effects in my life and marriage today, three decades later, I have spent much of the past year reprocessing it to understand it and let it go.

 

But I, a straight man, have never forgotten what it meant to have loved a woman without reservation, and with total trust, and have been betrayed.

 

So without invalidating your experience, which is yours, I can still only say for myself, yes, there are men who are open, and who strive to be as honest and true as flawed human beings can be. I have tried all my life. Unfortunately integrity and openness is not always rewarded.

[jbrent890]

Plural doesn't apply to me. Whether it be family, friends, colleagues, or men I've been involved with, I've found that the men I've personally encountered are as faithful as their options. Every guy I believed to be a good one turned out not to be. It's hard to be optimistic with that experience.

 

I hate to say this, but doesn't say more about you and the people you associate yourself with? Again, there are plenty of men in the world that don't cheat. I'm not trying to be mean, but maybe you should go outside your comfort zone in terms of the people you associate yourself with.

[bentleychic]

But he didn't do that. Nowhere in his post did he say that all women cheat. What he did do was call out the hypocrisy of some of the responses of the MW commenting, which I do agree with. To the other point, besides drunkingly making out with two girls my freshman year of college (which I confessed to) I have never cheated in a serious relationship. I met and known plenty of men in this world world who have not cheated. I find these posts hilarious because I'm sure there are a ton of BHs on the infedility forum that feel the same way about women. It's not a battle of the sexes anymore. There just people that cheat and don't cheat.

Sorry, thought he was saying all the women that replied in here were MW.

 

For the record, I know MANY faithful and honest men. My dad is one of them (and he's seriously THE greatest man I've ever known, so many people agree too so it's not just bias ), as is my brother. My brother stuck by his wife even when he found out she had an A. One of my best friends is a guy and he's also faithful and honest. His wife is VERY lucky and they are a fabulous couple together. He's had the opportunities to cheat, too, but has not.

 

I am beginning to think all of the good ones are taken, though! lol

[Hope Shimmers]

1. I'm not offended. These are honest questions and sharing.

2. I wasn't putting words or paragraphs in your mouth. Maybe I did not understand what you were saying; that's why I replied.

 

Sorry for the misunderstanding

 

No, I really am sorry if you thought I was saying that there is something wrong with you (or anyone else here).

 

It took me a long time post-A before I stopped making the statement "Men suck!" And some of them do. But not all of them.

 

What I was trying to say is that at the end of the day it became more constructive to me to look within myself at the choices I was making rather than flinging blame at half the human race for my pain.

 

In your case if you look at the pattern you described, many/most of those men claimed to be separating/divorcing. That's the same mistake I made, and it cost me a lot of years and a big piece of my heart and soul that I will never get back. What I learned is that if I am looking for a committed relationship that will potentially end in marriage or something similar, then I need to ONLY consider men whose signature ink is at least 2 years dry on the divorce papers.

[Hope Shimmers]

And I can as well be honest on this site... My story is that I met the MM more than 7 years ago. It all started hot and heavy with lots of "I love you's" and "I wish I could be with you" but after a few months he discarded me for the first time. After this, he came back (like they all do) but it was never the same again and I felt like an object to him.

 

Since then it has been a continuous struggle to say no to him. To stop having sex with him, I mean. Which was not easy because the MM could be very convincing in his love bombing after each disappearance.

 

Anyway, I had held off on having sex with him for the past THREE YEARS. Three years without sex and I know he resented me for that, perhaps even hated me. Yet I knew I had to stick to 'no more sex'. He is my neighbor so he has been pressuring me all along, trying to use several tactics to make me give in again: 'Loving' me/ manipulating me/ getting angry at me/ disappearing/ ignoring... he tried out every tactic he could think of but I didn't give in for three years).

 

That is, until yesterday. I was SO stupid and I'm beating myself up over this: I gave in yesterday and had a quickie with him. It's not like I got any pleasure from it and that was not even my intention, I just got so exhausted from the continuous pressure.. I don't know if this makes sense. You have to know that I do love this man, I really do and it's so difficult to say no to someone you love..... It's hard to explain but I think the pressure got too much for me, I couldn't take it anymore that he was holding the 'no sex' against me ---- even though over the years, I told him repeatedly that it's not just best for me not to have sex, but best for him also... because HE is always the one who felt so guilty.

 

To make a long story short (there's so much more to tell), I had that quickie with him yesterday (first time in 3 years) and I could tell afterwards that he felt awkward and probably guilty too. I knew this would happen. Perhaps now he'll realize that I was right all along (about the guilt and me not being to able being in an A) and he'll stop pressuring me and putting all blame on ME??? I know it's very warped thinking...

 

And I do feel very sad about giving in, I really shouldn't have done so.

 

And I haven't heard from him anymore, not an email, nothing.

Despite all his promises where he said he would stay in touch with me, and he 'loves me soooo much' and blah blah blah blah.

 

Anyway, I guess I'm still the one to blame. It's my own stupid decision to give in yesterday. How stupid stupid stupid

 

I wanted to comment on this.

 

I'm so sorry for the pain you must be in. Seven years in either an EA or PA is a LONG time to develop strong emotions. And to have to go through the push and pull, hot and cold crap after you weakened after THREE YEARS and had sex with him.... that's so hard.

 

I hope you can gather strength from this and move on and find something better. I know how hard it is.

[Southern Sun]

I wanted to comment on this.

 

I'm so sorry for the pain you must be in. Seven years in either an EA or PA is a LONG time to develop strong emotions. And to have to go through the push and pull, hot and cold crap after you weakened after THREE YEARS and had sex with him.... that's so hard.

 

I hope you can gather strength from this and move on and find something better. I know how hard it is.

 

Adoraxx, I'm sure you've thought of this, but is there any way you can move? He sounds awful and I'm sure being around him is toxic for you. I am certain having this moment was a good reminder of exactly why you stayed away from him for three years. Try not to beat yourself up, but use it to give you the energy to completely stay away from him. I wouldn't count on him doing it for you though...you have to be strong. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

[Hope Shimmers]

Adoraxx, I'm sure you've thought of this, but is there any way you can move? He sounds awful and I'm sure being around him is toxic for you. I am certain having this moment was a good reminder of exactly why you stayed away from him for three years. Try not to beat yourself up, but use it to give you the energy to completely stay away from him. I wouldn't count on him doing it for you though...you have to be strong. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

Yeah, the neighbor thing just sounds almost insurmountable. That would be so hard.

[Adoraxx]

thanks everyone, sending out HUGS to you all!!!

Yes, I've often thought of moving but it's not possible financially at the moment so for now I'll be stuck here. I do hope that if I ever get the chance to move, that it will be miles and miles away, in another country preferably.

 

This weekend's horrible experience has indeed strengthened me again in my resolve never to have sex with him again.

 

Guess what happened yesterday.

 

The MM called me and asked me how I'm doing.

I told him I'm having a hard time with it (because he knows very well that I can't deal with it emotionally, I've told him so numerous times over the years) but that I'm going to elaborate on it. The MM insisted that it's okay to talk about it, but immediately he went on to say that HE is having a hard time with it because he is feeling SO VERY GUILTY. (At least this time he told me instead of disappearing but I knew this would happen anyway)

 

I stayed quite sullen and monotone throughout the whole phone call even though I was furious at him. It's ok to feel guilty, I understand, but he has been putting pressure on me for so LONG (it caused me so much STRESS!) and each time I would say "we cannot do it, you will feel guilty again", he would go off on me, scream at me that I should give it a chance and that he doesn't want to hear me mention it ever again because 'it's not true' (that he'll feel guilty). So that makes me very mad and upset.

 

Anyway, I asked him if he's in love with W and if that's why he feels so guilty. He said 'being in love has nothing to do with it' but then I asked him if he is crazy about his W? He said he is very crazy about her. OK this is what pushed me over the edge , even though I didn't show him any emotional reaction because I think he feeds on my emotional reactions (it gives him satisfaction).

 

I'm sooo mad at him though. I don't ever want to see or speak to him again. If he is THAT crazy about his W , he should go and leave me the f alone! The MM said: "If I wouldn't be crazy about her, I wouldn't be with her. That's what marriage is like."

 

I said: "There are marriages where the spouses aren't 'crazy' about each other but they do love each other" (which to me, is a difference). So he can f off with all his lies of "I love you" and "I'm crazy about you" (which he used to tell ME). He can't be 'crazy' about two women.

 

I really really don't understand how someone who is 'crazy about his wife' keeps wanting sex with someone other than his wife. And it's not like I want sex with the MM because I do not want to share and I really can't deal with it.

 

OK I can go on and on and on it seems!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My plan is to stay away from the MM. I will not leave my house or my backyard when I know that he's at home, and I will make sure that I will not ever pass his house again. And I will not even congratulate him on his birthday (which is a long time away but well. Just wanted to add that LOL)

 

xx

Adoraxx

[RoseVille]

When you're "crazy" about someone, you cannot even comprehend someone else. It's like you're obsessed with them and you want only them.

 

So yeah, him being crazy about his W but yet also wanting you just doesn't make any sense.

[GypsumSatellite]

I didn't expect anything from him but I was pleasantly surprised. The first time we had sex, he contacted me throughout that afternoon just to check in on me, see what I liked, talk about the new experience. It was great.

 

He never ignored me after sex. Our R was always more skewed towards non-sexual dates over sex. Sex seemed to be a big part of the chemistry but our day-to-day relationship is what kept us wanting more in the long run.

[Poppy47]

I wanted to comment on this.

 

I'm so sorry for the pain you must be in. Seven years in either an EA or PA is a LONG time to develop strong emotions. And to have to go through the push and pull, hot and cold crap after you weakened after THREE YEARS and had sex with him.... that's so hard.

 

I hope you can gather strength from this and move on and find something better. I know how hard it is.

 

Adorax,

It must be hard. I think Adorax is in an emotionally abusive relationship with this man and needs to end it asap. What right does he have to be angry with her ?

 

Poppy.

[Adoraxx]

When you're "crazy" about someone, you cannot even comprehend someone else. It's like you're obsessed with them and you want only them.

 

So yeah, him being crazy about his W but yet also wanting you just doesn't make any sense.

 

You worded that very well, RoseVille! I had not even thought about that yet. Yes, indeed, if you're crazy about someone, you're pretty much obsessed with them and then you ONLY want them!!!!!!!

[Adoraxx]

Adorax,

It must be hard. I think Adorax is in an emotionally abusive relationship with this man and needs to end it asap. What right does he have to be angry with her ?

 

Poppy.

 

Thanks Poppy, I agree, he is emotionally abusive towards me and has been putting pressure on me for as long as I can remember. I've looked up information about narcissists and psychopaths and I think he definitely fits into that category. It's totally over now with him and I'm going to avoid him at all costs. I will even make sure not to let him hear my voice or anything if I'm outside, & I will not walk past his house anymore.

 

It's so stressful when someone is threatening with anger / silent treatment when you don't do whatever it is that that person wants. I was 'strong' for three years and I will be strong now for forever because I will not ever give in again

[GirlStillStrong]

It is sad. But not limited to one gender. The pain of betrayal by my female love in my youth has stayed with me all my life. In fact, becuase that old pain was so deep and lasting, becuase it changed by attitudes towards sex and intimacy in ways that were having negative effects in my life and marriage today, three decades later, I have spent much of the past year reprocessing it to understand it and let it go.

 

But I, a straight man, have never forgotten what it meant to have loved a woman without reservation, and with total trust, and have been betrayed.

 

So without invalidating your experience, which is yours, I can still only say for myself, yes, there are men who are open, and who strive to be as honest and true as flawed human beings can be. I have tried all my life. Unfortunately integrity and openness is not always rewarded.

Thank you for sharing this, Owl.

[GirlStillStrong]

thanks everyone, sending out HUGS to you all!!!

Yes, I've often thought of moving but it's not possible financially at the moment so for now I'll be stuck here. I do hope that if I ever get the chance to move, that it will be miles and miles away, in another country preferably.

 

This weekend's horrible experience has indeed strengthened me again in my resolve never to have sex with him again.

 

Guess what happened yesterday.

 

The MM called me and asked me how I'm doing.

I told him I'm having a hard time with it (because he knows very well that I can't deal with it emotionally, I've told him so numerous times over the years) but that I'm going to elaborate on it. The MM insisted that it's okay to talk about it, but immediately he went on to say that HE is having a hard time with it because he is feeling SO VERY GUILTY. (At least this time he told me instead of disappearing but I knew this would happen anyway)

 

I stayed quite sullen and monotone throughout the whole phone call even though I was furious at him. It's ok to feel guilty, I understand, but he has been putting pressure on me for so LONG (it caused me so much STRESS!) and each time I would say "we cannot do it, you will feel guilty again", he would go off on me, scream at me that I should give it a chance and that he doesn't want to hear me mention it ever again because 'it's not true' (that he'll feel guilty). So that makes me very mad and upset.

 

Anyway, I asked him if he's in love with W and if that's why he feels so guilty. He said 'being in love has nothing to do with it' but then I asked him if he is crazy about his W? He said he is very crazy about her. OK this is what pushed me over the edge , even though I didn't show him any emotional reaction because I think he feeds on my emotional reactions (it gives him satisfaction).

 

I'm sooo mad at him though. I don't ever want to see or speak to him again. If he is THAT crazy about his W , he should go and leave me the f alone! The MM said: "If I wouldn't be crazy about her, I wouldn't be with her. That's what marriage is like."

 

I said: "There are marriages where the spouses aren't 'crazy' about each other but they do love each other" (which to me, is a difference). So he can f off with all his lies of "I love you" and "I'm crazy about you" (which he used to tell ME). He can't be 'crazy' about two women.

 

I really really don't understand how someone who is 'crazy about his wife' keeps wanting sex with someone other than his wife. And it's not like I want sex with the MM because I do not want to share and I really can't deal with it.

 

OK I can go on and on and on it seems!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My plan is to stay away from the MM. I will not leave my house or my backyard when I know that he's at home, and I will make sure that I will not ever pass his house again. And I will not even congratulate him on his birthday (which is a long time away but well. Just wanted to add that LOL)

 

xx

Adoraxx

This just makes me sick to my stomach. It's like he is more than one person or something. Or like having an affair is some kind of hobby.

[gettingstronger]

I agree with those that say, no matter what the relationship is-there should be an expectation of respect after sex-even a ONS should have that- I feel like the ego of some of these people (most examples here are MM) leads them to treat a partner badly as a way to show dominance-leads me to wonder what is lacking in them to treat another this way- maybe they are insecure about their sexual prowess, maybe they didn't quite reach the level they wanted in their career, maybe they were rejected by the prom queen-who knows, all I know is its wrong and I am happy there are lots of strong women on here that are saying "enough!"

[LovelyBrown]

thanks everyone, sending out HUGS to you all!!!

Yes, I've often thought of moving but it's not possible financially at the moment so for now I'll be stuck here. I do hope that if I ever get the chance to move, that it will be miles and miles away, in another country preferably.

 

This weekend's horrible experience has indeed strengthened me again in my resolve never to have sex with him again.

 

Guess what happened yesterday.

 

The MM called me and asked me how I'm doing.

I told him I'm having a hard time with it (because he knows very well that I can't deal with it emotionally, I've told him so numerous times over the years) but that I'm going to elaborate on it. The MM insisted that it's okay to talk about it, but immediately he went on to say that HE is having a hard time with it because he is feeling SO VERY GUILTY. (At least this time he told me instead of disappearing but I knew this would happen anyway)

 

I stayed quite sullen and monotone throughout the whole phone call even though I was furious at him. It's ok to feel guilty, I understand, but he has been putting pressure on me for so LONG (it caused me so much STRESS!) and each time I would say "we cannot do it, you will feel guilty again", he would go off on me, scream at me that I should give it a chance and that he doesn't want to hear me mention it ever again because 'it's not true' (that he'll feel guilty). So that makes me very mad and upset.

 

Anyway, I asked him if he's in love with W and if that's why he feels so guilty. He said 'being in love has nothing to do with it' but then I asked him if he is crazy about his W? He said he is very crazy about her. OK this is what pushed me over the edge , even though I didn't show him any emotional reaction because I think he feeds on my emotional reactions (it gives him satisfaction).

 

I'm sooo mad at him though. I don't ever want to see or speak to him again. If he is THAT crazy about his W , he should go and leave me the f alone! The MM said: "If I wouldn't be crazy about her, I wouldn't be with her. That's what marriage is like."

 

I said: "There are marriages where the spouses aren't 'crazy' about each other but they do love each other" (which to me, is a difference). So he can f off with all his lies of "I love you" and "I'm crazy about you" (which he used to tell ME). He can't be 'crazy' about two women.

 

I really really don't understand how someone who is 'crazy about his wife' keeps wanting sex with someone other than his wife. And it's not like I want sex with the MM because I do not want to share and I really can't deal with it.

 

OK I can go on and on and on it seems!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My plan is to stay away from the MM. I will not leave my house or my backyard when I know that he's at home, and I will make sure that I will not ever pass his house again. And I will not even congratulate him on his birthday (which is a long time away but well. Just wanted to add that LOL)

 

xx

Adoraxx

 

Wow! this dude is cray cray! It's really not possible to be crazy about your spouse and be cheating at the same time. You may still love them and have some unresolved problems but NOT be crazy about them. I feel sorry for his wife too, what a nut job. *Sending you strength to stay away from this man* He sounds like someone that wants and wants and gives nothing. He's not good for your soul.

[Adoraxx]

This just makes me sick to my stomach. It's like he is more than one person or something. Or like having an affair is some kind of hobby.

 

That's what I have wondered about often too... if he is more than one person!! The difference between the 'warm and nice' and the 'cold and mean' MM is HUGE, it's truly like he is literally more than 1 person. Creepy

[Savannah2]

my MM feels guilty having intercourse with me more than just the oral. In fact we only had oral for 2 years. We are having a physical and emotional affair. We talk everyday. But he won't go all the way with me and on the times we have he either couldn't get it up because he felt so guilty or nervous. Makes me feel like I'm not worthy of that level of intimacy with him.

[Grapesofwrath]

my MM feels guilty having intercourse with me more than just the oral. In fact we only had oral for 2 years. We are having a physical and emotional affair. We talk everyday. But he won't go all the way with me and on the times we have he either couldn't get it up because he felt so guilty or nervous. Makes me feel like I'm not worthy of that level of intimacy with him.

 

Don't know anything about your circumstances, but I have known of men who avoid intercourse in order to avoid the risk of pregnancy. Might that be a factor here? It may be out of guilt, or wanting to preserve one thing that is unique to only the spouse, or it could be an issue of wanting to avoid pregnancy.

[Savannah2]

Nope. He had a vasectomy 3 years ago when we started this. ?