minimariah Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 walk away and don't look back. you're too young, no children... no reason to forgive her when things got ruined THIS early. the disrespect is too much + she decieved you into thinking that the marriage is great and things are going great... nope. just walk away. this one isn't worth saving. you have the perfect opportunity to leave without baggage - use it. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Some actions are not forgivable, or at least even if you forgive, you may not be able to continue to be with the person. I know I couldn't. Just the idea of having him in your home, your bed...ugh I can barely even type it, much less imagine it. Talk to her when you are ready to tell her your marriage is over in a calm manner. Or...if you plan to stay with her, I guess counseling is in order. But if she continues to make excuses, i,e drunk, one time only, lonely, etc...counseling will not help. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
lemoncello Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) Whether this is the 1st or 10th time she's cheated on you, the fact is, she cheated. She broke a marriage vow. That's hard to recover from as the betrayed spouse, when the person who stood at the altar with you promised to love and honor you in sickness and in health, til death do you part. Well, the honor is gone from the marriage because of your wife's actions. So is the trust. The love still may be there, but love is not enough. It's never enough. You need to have those other fundamental elements in place for a marriage to truly work; trust, honor, respect, boundaries. Without those there is no foundation strong enough to keep the marriage intact. Seek legal advice once your head clears. Seek emotional support immediately, from friends and family and a therapist if you think that will help. Do not suffer through this alone. That won't help you. Edited May 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Response to deleted post redacted 2 Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Even if it turns out to be a one off deal for her, ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY!?!? Had you stuck to your original travel plans, you would likely have never known about her betrayal. I supposed she would have carried on with your anniversary plans as though nothing ever happened? It takes a special kind of coldhearted person to do this on such a special day for your marriage. I wish you well with however you choose to handle her actions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ivelostmyself Posted May 10, 2015 Author Share Posted May 10, 2015 Thank you everyone for the support, I have alot of thinking and planning to do and as much as it hurts this will probably end in a divorce. Reading what you all have said has brought some new light to my mind. After some time ill talk to her about this but im sure she will probably just say anything to keep me around. She is a selfish drama queen who only cares about herself. I refuse to deal with this and it is literally tearing me apart. Alot of you are right....this will stick in my head forever if I stay and it will always eat away at my heart and mind. It will hurt to leave but it will hurt more to stay. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Thank you everyone for the support, I have alot of thinking and planning to do and as much as it hurts this will probably end in a divorce. Reading what you all have said has brought some new light to my mind. After some time ill talk to her about this but im sure she will probably just say anything to keep me around. She is a selfish drama queen who only cares about herself. I refuse to deal with this and it is literally tearing me apart. Alot of you are right....this will stick in my head forever if I stay and it will always eat away at my heart and mind. It will hurt to leave but it will hurt more to stay. As I stated earlier, she will attempt to convince you that what she did was your fault, the result of your deficiencies as a husband. Exposed cheats always do that. Don't be manipulated. Don't fall for it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Just remember, she is undoubtedly more sorry she got caught than that she actually did the deed... 8 Link to post Share on other sites
lemoncello Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) Just remember, she is undoubtedly more sorry she got caught than that she actually did the deed... I agree with CarrieT. Just keep that in mind as you move forward, OP. Cheaters have the ability to separate their feelings from their actions, if that makes any sense? Cheaters tell themselves lies "my husband doesn't love me" to justify cheating on him "my affair partner is attracted to me so sex with him is ok." Your wife knows infidelity is wrong, but she *still* chose to do it. She needs to explore why she feels a self-esteem boost when she cheated on you. I mean that she probably already suffers from low self-esteem, and uses cheating to cover those feelings up, so she doesn't have to do the inner work of facing what she's insecure about with herself. She will probably continue to manipulate you, or any future men in her life as a way to avoid confronting the way she already feels about herself. Just a theory. Edited May 10, 2015 by lemoncello 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 If I may. If you think you found comfort from the bottle of Jack, then you added one more problem. Your already hurting and now a king size hang over to go along with it. Not to mention that after you drank the booze the hurt is still there along with the betrayal and disgust so put the booze away and get you mind back on track because you need a clear mind right now to separate the fact from the fiction she's about to throw at you. She knew this guy better then she let on. This might not be the first time with her and this guy. Right now, those tears are from getting caught...............not remorse. She's going to tell you that it was a mistake and throw him under the bus and do everything she can to get back in the home and use everything she has to do it and there's why you need a clear head because it's going to be a big time job trying to figure out the wheat from the chaff.............the lies from what little truth you get. Lay off the sauce and think with your big head because too many times us guys think with our small head. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Teh fact that her mother attempts to manipulate you only makes it worse. Red flags all around. You're not yet bound by her with children - by the way, do you want to raise your own biological children, or her co-workers? If the latter is your nightmare then you better run from this sham of a marriage. And, honestly people - the 1st time of an affair isn't done at home, in the marital bed, it's done in a parking lot or hotel room. She's been having her affair for a long time to feel this comfortable and to be able to always cover her tracks before you got home, she's a professional at cheating. Again, divorce. And whatever you do, don't sleep with her anymore, she might attempt to baby trap you or who knows what else. All communication should be handled by your lawyer. Protect your assets, let your lawyer advise you on these matters. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 When you are feeling a little calmer, if your wifes coworker/AP is married, do his wife the kindess of letting her know what you know. She deserves to know her husband is cheating on her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 No Limit got it exactly right . This has been going on for some time for him to feel comfortable and her to not only bring him into your house but to sleep overnight there. And to make it even worse , if that is possible , she works with him which is a major problem in itself Your first stop Monday morning should be your attorney and you should tell her ass hole mother to stay out of your life . She has been banging this guy before and you are going to get nothing but lies in an effort to manipulate you. What she is doing is totally predictable . You can do better than this. !!! Stay off the booze !!! Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I recommend you slip divorce papers under her door. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Ohmygoodness ! In your home , on your bed, on your anniversary! She is trying to manipilate you. Others people said it already , i dont think this was her first time, also ,she is using alcohol as excuse . Do you think she would regret it , if she was not caught? No!! Dont listen to her and her family, your are not the cause of her bizarre behavor now. They are trying to tell you that it is your fault , you should talk to her ! What a selfish family! Dont listen to them ! Sorry you are hurt. But you are young you can find a good woman. Be strong and good luck . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Esraem Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 The AP is lucky all he did in the kitchen was cry. Some would have grabbed a knife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Ohmygoodness ! In your home , on your bed, on your anniversary! She is trying to manipilate you. Others people said it already , i dont think this was her first time, also ,she is using alcohol as excuse . Do you think she would regret it , if she was not caught? No!! Dont listen to her and her family, your are not the cause of her bizarre behavor now. They are trying to tell you that it is your fault , you should talk to her ! What a selfish family! Dont listen to them ! Sorry you are hurt. But you are young you can find a good woman. Be strong and good luck . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ivelostmyself Posted May 10, 2015 Author Share Posted May 10, 2015 My god I cant stop feeling like this....I should be happy that I found out the sick person she really was now rather than later when we had kids in the mix....but this is the worst pain ive ever felt. I just want to know why? What the hell did I do wrong? What the hell does this guy give you that I dont? I supported your ass through the nursing program, helped pay for it, showed you how much I loved you constantly, I was always honest and loyal. What the **** is your problem? One of my friends told me today he always had this deep down bad feeling about her. That she was using me as emotional and financial support. He wasnt sure but it was just a gut feeling, he didnt say anything because he didnt want to cause waves in our marriage. What kind of sick person does this? Im going to find a lawyer on monday. Im glad I used my head and made the video. Atleast if she tries to flip the tables on me and say im lying I have proof of her cheating. All those years, memories, and the future we had together. Everything could have been amazing if she hadnt turned out to be such a heartless person. And I was stupid for believing what we had was real. Now its just all painful memories. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 My god I cant stop feeling like this....I should be happy that I found out the sick person she really was now rather than later when we had kids in the mix....but this is the worst pain ive ever felt. I just want to know why? What the hell did I do wrong? What the hell does this guy give you that I dont? I supported your ass through the nursing program, helped pay for it, showed you how much I loved you constantly, I was always honest and loyal. What the **** is your problem? One of my friends told me today he always had this deep down bad feeling about her. That she was using me as emotional and financial support. He wasnt sure but it was just a gut feeling, he didnt say anything because he didnt want to cause waves in our marriage. What kind of sick person does this? Im going to find a lawyer on monday. Im glad I used my head and made the video. Atleast if she tries to flip the tables on me and say im lying I have proof of her cheating. All those years, memories, and the future we had together. Everything could have been amazing if she hadnt turned out to be such a heartless person. And I was stupid for believing what we had was real. Now its just all painful memories. Her cheating is not your fault! Do not spend a minute trying to figure out what you may have done to cause, or contribute to her infidelity. She did it because she wanted to, and because she could. When you calm down a bit and think about it rationally, you will probably start to remember the "red flags" that you ignore at the time. When the dust settles, you may decide to listen to what she has to say. Be warned that you will probably only hear a bunch of self-serving bs from her. From this point on, you should only discuss your divorce plans with your attorney. I would also be cautious listening to people that now claim they had a "feeling" about her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Im glad I used my head and made the video. Atleast if she tries to flip the tables on me and say im lying I have proof of her cheating. The video is of use to you in case you go temporarily insane and consider taking her back. It's not germane to the legal process, you don't need infidelity to divorce. The only one that needs proof of her cheating was there, saw it with his own eyes... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Mr. Lucky said it right. If you are silly enough to even consider talking to her about anything except she she is getting the rest of her stuff out of the house , then I suggest you watch that video again before you meet with her . You might also tell her mother that if she pays for a polygraph that confirms theft his is the first and only time that you MIGHT consider hearing what her daughter has to say . You are going to get nothing but lies and trickle truth right now and you need to stop blaming yourself for anything . There is no gray area here of did she or didn't she. You now face years of wondering every time you walk out the door what you will find when you come home . Remember , not only did she do this , and probably repeatedly, but her conscience did not even prevent her from bringing him into your home and marital bed. You are going to be one sorry fellow if you let some tears blind you to what this wife of yours is at such an early time in your marriage . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ivelostmyself Posted May 10, 2015 Author Share Posted May 10, 2015 The polygraph sounds like a great idea. I doubt she would do it given what happened and this was way more than likely not the first time. It would only make her look worse and shes not going to do that. I know its not my fault....but when something like this happens it just causes your mind to race with questions, and to question yourself. I just have to accept it for what it is and that there was nothing I did to cause it. It was just what she wanted to do. Maybe its just some sick sexual game where she gets off on the excitement of possibly getting caught. Well that didnt work out in her favor. I doubt ill ever be able to watch the video with my own eyes, seeing what happened once was enough pain for me and just knowing its there will keep me rational if I ever reach a weak point. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Polygraph not the answer. You know she cheated. How many times is not going to change things much, Imo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Love My Cat has a point in that there is no doubt in what happened . However, if you start to weaken you may need to know if your gut is right . There is another reason the suggestion of a polygraph is something you should consider IF you even want to talk to her . Whether or not you intend on going through with it is not important . What is important is her reaction . Right now you are getting all these tears and apologies and swearing it was the only time. Well, if that is true she should be begging you to schedule the thing so she can prove that she is being truthful. My guess is she will crap in her pants at the demand and we all know why . If you go this route and schedule it you may get some more trickle truth of her hoping that will satisfy you. DO NOT fall for it !! Go through with the test . I think you already have enough sense to know this was not the first or only time. But you are not going to get the truth if you want it from her . She is in protection mode for her. Your best move is to do what has been suggested by most and that is proceed right to your favorite attorney and have her mother slip the divorce papers to her under the bathroom door Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 It's HER who has the issues, not you. You want to know the difference between you and AP? You provided the stability and comfort, he gave her the excitement, the "kick" that serial cheaters need to feel fulfilled. They can't live without having their ego stroked regularly. And you don't need a polygraph, you already know everything about her. Closure is a lie, the more details you get the more it can delay your healing - details are important for people who want to reconcile, which I strongly suggest you to not even think about. And don't think of "what could have been", your future with her would be that 10 years from now she would leave you for a random guy living in a gutter and taking the kids with her and taking half of everything you own with her. Your inner images of peaceful family life will be with a different person, a MUCH different person. Get the divorce done and at good speed, so your healing process can begin. Also, block her on everything - phone, internet social media, e-mail, everything. If she's already packed everything she owned in the bag she took that night that's fine, if not pack everything into other bags and packages and store it somewhere. Don't worry about having to give her a lot during the divorce, with an aggressive lawyer she'll leave empty handed. ... And buy a new bed. And get STD tested, who knows what rats she slept with. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 There was a guy laying in your bed next to your woman and you didn't even confront him? =/ You just took a cellphone video of it? Having a great job and making good money is awesome, but I don't think as a woman she could ever really respect you again after that. The guy had sex with your wife and you just left him in your bed with her. I'm not trying to rub it in or make you feel worse but if that's the attitude you take with her in general that's what you did wrong, since you were asking. I don't see any way you can fix this. Unless you're comfortable living with a woman who has no respect for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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