darkmoon Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 the sooner you get out there and look for others the better, companions of either gender, or pretty f8ck-buddies, nothing heavy atmo you were good enough to be marriage material, and also you make good money, you are vulnerable for exploitation as a good catch i can almost hear her in ten years' time saying "i was stupid when i was younger" ... best wishes, you have me in tears on reading your post Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 There was a guy laying in your bed next to your woman and you didn't even confront him? =/ You just took a cellphone video of it? Having a great job and making good money is awesome, but I don't think as a woman she could ever really respect you again after that. The guy had sex with your wife and you just left him in your bed with her. I'm not trying to rub it in or make you feel worse but if that's the attitude you take with her in general that's what you did wrong, since you were asking. I don't see any way you can fix this. Unless you're comfortable living with a woman who has no respect for you. He did the smart thing, not the STUPID thing you seem to be advocating. The next smart thing to do - if not already done - is expose the other man to his wife (if he's married) or at his job, and this is especially so if he's in a supervisory position over his wife. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 but post here too, do not go away unecessarily Link to post Share on other sites
Author ivelostmyself Posted May 10, 2015 Author Share Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) There was a guy laying in your bed next to your woman and you didn't even confront him? =/ You just took a cellphone video of it? Having a great job and making good money is awesome, but I don't think as a woman she could ever really respect you again after that. The guy had sex with your wife and you just left him in your bed with her. I'm not trying to rub it in or make you feel worse but if that's the attitude you take with her in general that's what you did wrong, since you were asking. I don't see any way you can fix this. Unless you're comfortable living with a woman who has no respect for you. I know you're not. Im not planning to fix it, im planning to end it. Trust me the thoughts that went into my head after walking in there, "confronting" the guy would have ended very badly for him and for me. Shes not worth going to jail for. I dont care if she respects me, given her actions its already clear she never did anyway. So really....what would have been the point? Showing her how upset I am by confronting this guy wont do any good, it wont make her respect me, and I dont want her respect because its not worth having, I wanted answers. My respect will come from walking away, and finding someone better down the road. Edited May 10, 2015 by ivelostmyself 9 Link to post Share on other sites
thestaircase Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I'm a woman, so let flip this situation around.. Let's say IF I caught my husband in bed with another woman. I wouldnt' grab the woman out of the bed neither. It just not my nature. Heck, I wouldn't even grab my husband out of bed. I would just close the door, go pack my stuff and LEAVE. I will make sure he get my husband get the divorce papers. I will resent him so much that I don't even want to look at his face, or talk to him. IF we have kids, it willl be joint-custody/co-parenting our kids. And that is the END to us and to our marriage. I will divorce him and give him back his single status, so he can have all the freedom to go after that woman. Mr. OP, if I was in your situation, I would leave. It just too much damage done mentally. Even if you force yourself to forgive your wife and save the marriage, in the long run you will eventually resent her. I don't think any marriage can still remain the same after you caught your spouse in bed sleeping with someone else. Unless yo uboth agree on an open-marriage, but I assume this is not your case. Good luck to you OP, take care of yourself too, you didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lemoncello Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I know you're not. Im not planning to fix it, im planning to end it. Trust me the thoughts that went into my head after walking in there, "confronting" the guy would have ended very badly for him and for me. Shes not worth going to jail for. I dont care if she respects me, given her actions its already clear she never did anyway. So really....what would have been the point? Showing her how upset I am by confronting this guy wont do any good, it wont make her respect me, and I dont want her respect because its not worth having, I wanted answers. My respect will come from walking away, and finding someone better down the road. You're a better man than gaius, because you knew ahead of time what the consequences would be if you had confronted your wife's coworker. The fact that you didn't shows that you are mature, have a lot of class, and know when to pick your battles. That battle, would have been a mistake and come back to haunt you legally. You have a lot of insight so trust yourself that it will lead you in the right direction. By walking away now, you save yourself from years of agony wondering if your wife is being faithful while you're away on business trips. Walking away now, you open yourself up to healing from her betrayal, so that when your heart is ready to love again, you will have this scar to remind you of what you survived, and what you deserve. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thestaircase Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) Added just to say, there different ways to confront. You don't need to confront right at the affair scene, when you caught your spouse in bed with someone else. IF that happen to me, of course I will confront my spouse. He will have a big talk with me when I serve him the divorce papers. He can explain, give excuses, yadda yadda, blah blah... all he wants. I will make d-a-m-n sure he sign the divorce papers. And uh... BYE! I don't ever want to see your face again, ex-husband! Edited May 10, 2015 by thestairs 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ivelostmyself Posted May 10, 2015 Author Share Posted May 10, 2015 I'm a woman, so let flip this situation around.. Let's say IF I caught my husband in bed with another woman. I wouldnt' grab the woman out of the bed neither. It just not my nature. Heck, I wouldn't even grab my husband out of bed. I would just close the door, go pack my stuff and LEAVE. I will make sure he get my husband get the divorce papers. I will resent him so much that I don't even want to look at his face, or talk to him. IF we have kids, it willl be joint-custody/co-parenting our kids. And that is the END to us and to our marriage. I will divorce him and give him back his single status, so he can have all the freedom to go after that woman. Mr. OP, if I was in your situation, I would leave. It just too much damage done mentally. Even if you force yourself to forgive your wife and save the marriage, in the long run you will eventually resent her. I don't think any marriage can still remain the same after you caught your spouse in bed sleeping with someone else. Unless yo uboth agree on an open-marriage, but I assume this is not your case. Good luck to you OP, take care of yourself too, you didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. I would never forgive her for this and I couldnt even if I wanted to and tried to. I still havent spoken to her and have no idea if shes still locked up in that room. I dont want to see her face either as much as it hurts to say because I did love her and we shared so much for such a long time. Seeing her would make me sick. Im not sure how the whole divorce process works as ive never had to go through it or felt the need to gather information until now. Ill certainly learn tomorrow when I speak to a lawyer. Serving her the divorce papers will suck, as ill have to go over there and see her and have her ramble on more bull**** to me sobbing and what not. As good as it will feel handing them over with a big mental middle finger in her face, I wonder if my lawyer would deliver them instead? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lemoncello Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I would never forgive her for this and I couldnt even if I wanted to and tried to. I still havent spoken to her and have no idea if shes still locked up in that room. I dont want to see her face either as much as it hurts to say because I did love her and we shared so much for such a long time. Seeing her would make me sick. Im not sure how the whole divorce process works as ive never had to go through it or felt the need to gather information until now. Ill certainly learn tomorrow when I speak to a lawyer. Serving her the divorce papers will suck, as ill have to go over there and see her and have her ramble on more bull**** to me sobbing and what not. As good as it will feel handing them over with a big mental middle finger in her face, I wonder if my lawyer would deliver them instead? Have your lawyer mail the divorce paperwork. Only see your wife and her family to say goodbye in so many words. But since your wife is prone to hysterics, prepare yourself for the drama akin to a Shakespearean tragedy if you do go see her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Goodguy Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Deepest symapathy for you bro. And much respect for not doing anything that could have landed you in jail. Here is my take. The guys are right probably not the first time and to do that on your anniversary and bring him to your house and into your bed is pretty raw. That means this woman is capable of anything. Short of her doing some intense therapy I would say that you are always going to wonder. They say some couples come back stronger from this but I dont believe you will never be the same. She is doing this because there is a lack of respect for you somewhere. Just make sure you from here on out are loving yourself more then you love her. Good luck in whatever decision you make my friend 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lemoncello Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) Deepest symapathy for you bro. And much respect for not doing anything that could have landed you in jail. Here is my take. The guys are right probably not the first time and to do that on your anniversary and bring him to your house and into your bed is pretty raw. That means this woman is capable of anything. Short of her doing some intense therapy I would say that you are always going to wonder. They say some couples come back stronger from this but I dont believe you will never be the same. She is doing this because there is a lack of respect for you somewhere. Just make sure you from here on out are loving yourself more then you love her. Good luck in whatever decision you make my friend ^This is great insight and advice. I agree. You walked in to find your wife and her coworker asleep at your house, in your marital bed, on your wedding anniversay. That is just unfathomable. On your anniversary! Your wife doesn't respect you or your marriage. That's very clear. Don't fall for her crocodile tears and hysterics. It's all a smokescreen to keep you from divorcing her, and most importantly, removing the financial security she grew accustomed to. That's the part she probably doesn't like the most: the bank is now closed. Did you close her bank account yet? Cut off her access to your shared credit cards? Do that asap. Protect your assets. And if your friend had an inkling that she was just using you for your financial stability (you paid for her nursing school), then you at least have outside confirmation that your wife deep down has some serious, serious issues that you were the target of for the 3 years of your marriage. No lie detector test is necessary. I don't know who suggested that to you, but the fact that you caught your wife in bed with her coworker, is proof enough of her character as a liar. The more distance you get from your wife, the clearer you'll see the bigger picture here. You're still young so your life is not ruined. You can recover from this. You will. Have your divorce lawyer do the paperwork, mail it, and try to go on with your life the best that you can. Edited May 10, 2015 by lemoncello Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Deinitely have your attorney serve her the divorce papers so you don't have to see her. Don't put yourself through that drama. You are doing the right thing by divorcing her. What a slut. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mazerati Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I echo the advice given, and respect you for not lashing out. You are courageous and strong. You did nothing wrong, and I agree with your action plan. You are still in shock, and aside from those here, is there anyone else you can share and vent with? I can't see a reconciliation here. To do this on your anniversary and in your marital bed is cold. This is going to be a nasty rollercoaster ride, don't weaken. She will pull out all stops and gas light you to come back. She is not worthy of you, and she does not respect you. Best wishes in this trying time. I wish I could offer more, but the advice here is solid IMHO Never give up, never surrender. You will get through this. Maz 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ivelostmyself Posted May 10, 2015 Author Share Posted May 10, 2015 Deepest symapathy for you bro. And much respect for not doing anything that could have landed you in jail. Here is my take. The guys are right probably not the first time and to do that on your anniversary and bring him to your house and into your bed is pretty raw. That means this woman is capable of anything. Short of her doing some intense therapy I would say that you are always going to wonder. They say some couples come back stronger from this but I dont believe you will never be the same. She is doing this because there is a lack of respect for you somewhere. Just make sure you from here on out are loving yourself more then you love her. Good luck in whatever decision you make my friend Thanks, yeah that was the ultimate kick in the face. I cant emagine any worse way to walk in on a cheating spouse and here I am in the exact situation. The most painful "I dont give a ****" thing on her part. It hurts all kinds of hell you wouldnt believe.... Ill more than likely need therapy after this process is done, just to try and get this out of my head but it'll probably never go away. She was damn good at hiding it until now, very ballsy on her part. I had no clue what was going on, never saw any signs and she wasnt very secretive....man I feel so stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Wow, that image will be burned into your memory for life and so will the smell of sex and alcohol you smelled when you walked into your bedroom. Don't talk to her until you've talked to a lawyer. The law says you can't keep her out of the home you share together. My guess is everything he may have used or touched in your home is still laying out, get rid of it all. Toilets are harder to replace, towels, glass's, forks knives the bed has to go. Give her all those things as part of the divorce if divorce is what you want. Your vision of life together is different than her vision. She may be thinking that you will always be number one but others will be number 2,3,4,5. In her mind what you don't know won't hurt you. Expose the POS to their employer. I doubt this just happened and some form of relationship was already in play, it just happened to be the one time you were away on business and came home early, she got caught. Some planning had to happen in advance or how could they meet up? You have to wonder as to the level of respect she has for you. It takes a special kind of cheater to trash your sanctuary, your marital bed and on your anniversary. I'm sure she knew it was your anniversary when her legs were wrapped around his a$$, she knew what bed she was in and who's car was in your driveway for all the neighbours to see. Nothing that she can ever say will take that image away from you. It will be a sh*t sandwich you will have to eat if reconciliation is on the table. Talk to a lawyer, protect the video(are you in a fault state, do alienation of affection laws apply?) Pictures and video are proof of fault just as connivance and condonation are often used in defence. Do not have sex with her until you talk to a lawyer and have decided your path. My advice, no children, she's a nasty kind of cheater, your young, run. A lifetime is too long to spend worrying about what she is up to while your working and at the same time too short to get that memory out of your mind. Your mother in law dealt with her cheater and look at her now, happily married to someone faithful. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 The length of the divorce depends upon where you live. Also the length of the marriage is a factor in how much she will take out of a divorce. Just call a lawyer. Some offer a feww consulation, to give you an idea of what is likely to happen. Set aside a day for her to pick up her clothes, or better yet, put them in bags and boxes and let her pick them up off of the porch. Find out if you can change the locks from a lawyer. And just get going on moving on to your new life. There is nothing left for you with her, in my opinion (I,too am female, but this would be my feeling.) My marriage failing was not about infidelity. If there had been any, I never knew about it. But it would have only taken once. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Don't. Feel stupid. Women who are cheating usually fall into one of two categories. (1) they are so obsessed with the Om and the affair sex and excitement that their husband becomes less desirable and the intimacy reduces or stops. the common comment from BH is "she became distant". In these cases the signs are there but the Bh just overlooks them out of trust. but the behavior makes it more likely to catch this type become something is obviously wrong and your gut says something. (2) the ones that can "compartmentalize" and carry on as if nothing was wrong. Sex can actually increase because they are always horny thinking about next liason with OM. Your travelling made this easier. They never think they will get caught because they hide it so well. I believe your wife would fall into 2nd category. This type is MUCH more difficult to detect and with them working together adds to the ease of deception. She did not even have to make excuses to see him every day. I believe the overwhelming number of people who cheat for the first time have some "nerves". To brazenly have this other guys car there where neighbors might even notice makes it highly likely these two were at it a lot. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GO ANYWHERE NEAR HER TO HAVE HER SERVED!!!! And with no kids you do not have to have any communication with her. get to a bank, take half of all your funds and open new accounts in your name only. Do that tomorrow. You do not want to be paying for her and her boyfriend to put a deposit on a new place to live. The sooner you start to treat this woman like your ENEMY the better off you will be. Once the dust settles get whatever therapy you need. You have dodged a major bullet by this happening now and the way it did. kids and debt would make this much more complicated. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Serving her the divorce papers will suck, as ill have to go over there and see her and have her ramble on more bull**** to me sobbing and what not. As good as it will feel handing them over with a big mental middle finger in her face, I wonder if my lawyer would deliver them instead? Court papers are always served through a disinterested 3rd party. Either a court officer/ sheriff's deputy or a process server. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 My thoughts are him parking in the driveway and spending the night are pretty bold. I doubt if this was any where near the first time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I have two points of advice to offer - #1. Get a good divorce attorney. #2. Do what attorney says. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 oooops, one more point of advice - - show common courtesy and politeness to your mother in law but ignore everything she says. She has an agenda and that agenda is for her little girl to have a roof over her head and food on her table and to not be known in the community as an adultress and divorcee that screwed around on her husband while he was out earning a living. Her agenda and your well-being are not congruent. ignore her agenda and stick to your well-being. She also probably has a lot of denial that her little girl would do such a thing and your STBX has surely given her a water-down and churched-up version of what took place. If you MIL keeps pushing the issue seems to be in denial, forward the video to her so she can see with her own eyes. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I never heard of having to serve papers yourself...where do you live? That should not be the case. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) ivelostmyself, I tend to be in the "try and reconcile" camp, but I don't see anything here to save. There are no kids to consider, and no future, any self respecting man could look forward too. Get out. All I can hope is that this does not stop you from finding a good women who is faithful and will love and respect you. You are angry right now, but remember there are good women out there. Please do not let bitterness stop you from having a marriage with someone worthy of you. Keep the anger on her, where it belongs, and use it to remove her totally from your life. Do not try and second guess yourself, follow what you know is best for you. The view of your "wife" is shattered, and now you see how she really is. I would also let her workplace know what she did, if for no other reason as a warning to the next guy who may think he has her love and respect. She is a women who will only bring misery as she goes trough life. Do not take any more from her. Good luck to you, and I wish you the best. 112114116118186 Edited May 10, 2015 by understand50 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Not sure I'd let workplace know. If they fire her ass you may owe her spousal support and I am sure her Mommy who is trying to fool you is going to back her up. Talk to your lawyer . He or she will tell you exactly what to do 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mazerati Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) ivelostmyself, I tend to be in the "try and reconcile" camp, but I don't see anything here to save. There are no kids to consider, and no future, any self respecting man could look forward too. Get out. All I can hope is that this does not stop you from finding a good women who is faithful and will love and respect you. You are angry right now, but remember there are good women out there. Please do not let bitterness stop you from having a marriage with someone worthy of you. Keep the anger on her, where it belongs, and use it to remove her totally from your life. Do not try and second guess yourself, follow what you know is best for you. The view of your "wife" is shattered, and now you see how she really is. I would also let her workplace know what she did, if for no other reason as a warning to the next guy who may think he has her love and respect. She is a women who will only bring misery as she goes trough life. Do not take any more from her. Good luck to you, and I wish you the best. 112114116118186 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ All of this. Every letter, syllable, word, sentence, and paragraph. (Except the work notification, until after the divorce is finalized.) If it is remotely possible, to try reconciliation is logical. Sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn't regarding spousal infidelity. Each circumstance has its own merits and detriments. But in this case should reconciliation NOT be considered Ivelostmyself, you are not lost. Your soon to be ex wife (stbxw) is. You know what to do, your path is sadly very clear. What you think you lost, you never had. The most important thing is to not blame YOU! AND do not let her blame shift. She will try. I said it before what she did was brutally cold to you. Brutal. She does not deserve any accommodation by you. You are number one. She is less than nothing. Normally I am not this harsh. Best wishes in the grueling challenges that lie ahead. Maz Never give up, never surrender. Edited May 10, 2015 by Mazerati Link to post Share on other sites
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