Walked in on my wife...

[fireflywy]

I'm going to risk being the insensitive a••. This sounds like a load of bull. Maybe you've altered or exaggerated details of your story, but human behavior does not preclude that you would be crying BEFORE discovering your wife in bed with another man. I'm surprised no one in this forum thought your story sounded fishy, as well. Also, you include details that are out of balance with the general tone of the story. If this is a hoax, grow up.

 

*Also, how do you open a bedroom door, see a man laying horizontal in a presumably darkened bedroom and determine it's one of your wife's co-workers?

 

I agree. This sounds fishy. We had that guy named JoshCube posting on here a while back who gets off on trolling various forums and then posting videos on his youtube channel. I'm really wondering if this isn't him making another go at it but with a different name. This is too Hollywoodish to believe from the location to the the OP handled the situation. Very scriptive.

[bubbaganoosh]

I dont want her respect because its not worth having, I wanted answers.

 

You want answers. Let me give you a bit of advice. I had to wait 40 years. I said 40 not 4 and years not days, weeks or months for answers and when I got them they still were so full of holes and lies and it wasn't worth the 4 decades waiting for.

 

One question will lead to another and another and truth be told you'll never be satisfied so don't bother.

 

You walked in and saw you wife in your bed with another guy IN YOU HOME AND YOUR BED. There's your answer. Anything she can say to you is worthless so stop banking on any kind of plausible answer because it wont be good enough trust me please. I went through it.

 

Go find a lawyer. Have her served and be done with it. Anything else is nothing but a waste of time.

[No Limit]

I know you're not.

Im not planning to fix it, im planning to end it.

Trust me the thoughts that went into my head after walking in there, "confronting" the guy would have ended very badly for him and for me. Shes not worth going to jail for.

I dont care if she respects me, given her actions its already clear she never did anyway. So really....what would have been the point? Showing her how upset I am by confronting this guy wont do any good, it wont make her respect me, and I dont want her respect because its not worth having, I wanted answers.

My respect will come from walking away, and finding someone better down the road.

 

Boy, feel bear-hugged.

[givnofuxxbro]

at least u know she can have sex..mine is asexual.....move on and live life.

[Yasuandio]

Dude, this so sucks (and so do the non-believers). It's true. Selfish, self-serving people DO exist that are completely absent of conscious, morals, decency and true empathy.

 

You are thinking good and straight. Do not waver one iota. Don't even waste your breathe talking to this person that violated your marital bed so haphazardly (with the perk's car in the driveway, for God's sake). Can you imagine what type of parent "that" might turn out to be - you dodged a bullet alright (more like a bulldozer). She would have ruined your entire life. It is hard to see it right now, because you are in shock. But I'm telling you, you're one lucky son of a gun that you found out now (with your own two eyes), that's for sure.

 

There is no reason to chat with her or her family. They are soon to no longer be your family. Change the phone number, cut the cord - that's it. You cannot maintain a relationship with these in-laws now - it's too late. I would say, No Contact Rule in effect ASAP. No call, texts, or smoke signals. Any contact or news through secondary parties will just rip open your bleeding wounds. Over, done, period. Talk through attorney only. I would even go so far as to change tour email address - make it impossible for her to contact you. Any letter by mail give to attorney - unopened.

 

Absolutely no reaction or response, it will just fuel and enable her tantrum tactics. And you never know, she might make a scene, or pull some other kind of drama stunt - sounds like that profile, be prepared. Screwing a second marriage is a huge loss for this person at her age - who knows what kind of crap she might do.

 

Total disgrace - no going back, just think of it as a bad nightmare of the past. Like getting a stupid tattoo removed. Your attorney can handle the lazar surgery, and you re-invent your love life when you're good and ready. The girls will be chasing you.

 

Deepest sympathies. You will be fine. You sound like a wonderful young man. Keep posting, do you research. Begin the grieving processes, and "letting go." It is not easy - but critically necessary under these circumstances, in my opinion. A good therapist is a wise investment during your coping phases. Go easy on the Jack. Yas

[jen1447]

olshirt's right about service of process - you won't have to do that.

 

I'd skip the polygraph ideas or anything like that. All you need is to know, not know how much, when, where, etc. You already got the answer you need.

[ivelostmyself]

Im in michigan, as far as I can tell theres no law on spouses being unfaithful. Apparently they abolished it based on the fact it could be used as a "revenge" tactic. The credit cards are in our own names (I have 3 and she has 2) and we have one joint bank account which ive cancelled my direct deposit on that most of the bills would be automatically withdrawn from. The house, and the two vehicals are in both of our names but I make the payments on my truck and she makes them on the car. Her parents gave us the down payment on the house as a wedding gift but I paid 80% of all the bills up until about 6 months ago when she finished her nursing program and got employed. So we will have to figure that out with the lawyer (as I said, never done this so I dont know the process). She can have all the furniture in the house. I just want the things that I brought from my apartment when we moved in and ill just buy new furniture, and the TV in the basement is coming with me and all my tools. I plan on getting a small 1 bedroom apartment for a while.

Ive been staying at a friends house, there was no way I was going to stay at our home (who the hell could after that?) so ill be going over there later today to get stuff packed up and figure out whats staying and whats coming with me. Even though it will suck....I have to.

Not going to do the polygraph because I know what I need to know, and eventually ill confront her about what happened just to see whatever nonsense she comes up with out of curiosity....maybe.

It sucks badly and the feelings of betrayal, resentment, sadness and pain are basically consuming me right now and its almost unbearable. Im trying really hard to keep a clear head but its haunting me and I feel physically sick and drained. My parents got divorced also (not because of cheating, the love just wasnt there anymore and it was like a business agreement) and I never thought it would happen to me. Wasnt prepared for this and definitely wasnt prepared for what she did. Trying to keep myself together but inside I feel like im crumbled to pieces and I can barely think, and alot of the time I dont want to because the images keep popping up...

[gaius]

I know you're not.

Im not planning to fix it, im planning to end it.

Trust me the thoughts that went into my head after walking in there, "confronting" the guy would have ended very badly for him and for me. Shes not worth going to jail for.

I dont care if she respects me, given her actions its already clear she never did anyway. So really....what would have been the point? Showing her how upset I am by confronting this guy wont do any good, it wont make her respect me, and I dont want her respect because its not worth having, I wanted answers.

My respect will come from walking away, and finding someone better down the road.

It's an overall attitude thing, it's not just one decision you made on one day. The way you react and respond to things in general probably dictated what you did when hit with that situation. And I've definitely noticed a lot of the guys who end up getting cheated on are the ones who don't react when stuff like that happens. =/ That play it safe and conservative. There's just something about it women don't like.

 

Even lemon if she doesn't want to admit it wouldn't be happy with a guy who wouldn't react finding out something like that. I can tell. I'm glad to hear you're moving on though.

[I_Give_Up67]

The most important thing for you right now is to find a decent divorce attorney. If you move out of your marital home, legally it could probably be seen as abandonment.

 

Please speak to an attorney before you make any moves to vacate your home. Do not share any of your plans with your wayward wife or her family.

 

You must act quickly to protect yourself in the future divorce proceedings.

[Mr Carson]

I give you credit, if I walk in and there's a man in MY bed with MY wife. The only crying is going to be the guy on his knees begging for his life. I'm pretty laid back but my rage would be off the charts! I would cry later.

[CarrieT]

Please speak to an attorney before you make any moves to vacate your home.

This is critical.

 

From the sounds of it, OP, the overall debt and assets will probably be about even. The fact that her parents paid for the deposit may mean nothing; Michigan is not a community property state so it will be up to the courts (possibly with a mediator) to divide the assets and debts accordingly.

 

Gather your bank statements to validate what you have paid for and it is possible you will be owed money on the home if you supported your wife during her education.

 

But - in the grand scheme - all the money stuff and *things* is minutiae to your well-being and peace of mind. So don't sweat it too much: You WILL survive and years from now, realize that piddling over money will be a minor thought.

[Methodical]

Since you noticed an odd car in the driveway, the neighbors probably did too. Guess she assumed they wouldn't say anything to you, which was pretty bold and presumptuous.

 

I have to hand it to you, I wouldn't have thought to prop my phone up and video the confrontation the way you did and I certainly wouldn't have shown the restraint and diplomacy that you managed. Any video evidence captured of me walking in to another person in my bed would condemn me. You have a lot of self-control and make very calculated decisions. Sorry for the emotional distress you are dealing with.

[ivelostmyself]

Ill be speaking to the attorney and before I go and get an apartment, I know better than to just run off and get my own place and move everything I own out before having this settled in a legal sense. I just want to pack up a few things ill need while im at my friends place for a few days and get an idea of what will be coming with me when its all said and done.

I know some may think the way I reacted was a weak move, that I just walked out of there like I didnt even care without yelling, punching and throwing ****. I guess I felt she wasnt worth the reaction. If you dont give a **** then why should I sort of thing. It probably got to her and shes wondering why I didnt react, why I didnt show her that I was pissed off and upset. I would always react when she would bring up the "creepy" dude that hit on her at the grocery store or at work. When guys would hit on her at the bar while we were both there and id step in. She never flirted back (atleast when I was there and said she never did when I wasnt....yeah thats probably BS) but liked the attention she got and she liked the way I would react as her "protector".

I wanted more than anything to drag the guy kicking and screaming into the street, and to stand there with a smile on my face waiting for the ambulance to show up and scrape up whats left of him off the pavement with a shovel.

I wasnt going to give her the satisfaction of a reaction, Id rather have it sting deeper to hand her the divorce papers and leave her in the dust.

[Mr Carson]

Showing great control is not a sign of weakness, just the opposite! I'm saying how I would have felt.

 

Keep your reslove and dump her...I wish you the best!

[I_Give_Up67]

Ill be speaking to the attorney and before I go and get an apartment, I know better than to just run off and get my own place and move everything I own out before having this settled in a legal sense. I just want to pack up a few things ill need while im at my friends place for a few days and get an idea of what will be coming with me when its all said and done.

I know some may think the way I reacted was a weak move, that I just walked out of there like I didnt even care without yelling, punching and throwing ****. I guess I felt she wasnt worth the reaction. If you dont give a **** then why should I sort of thing. It probably got to her and shes wondering why I didnt react, why I didnt show her that I was pissed off and upset. I would always react when she would bring up the "creepy" dude that hit on her at the grocery store or at work. When guys would hit on her at the bar while we were both there and id step in. She never flirted back (atleast when I was there and said she never did when I wasnt....yeah thats probably BS) but liked the attention she got and she liked the way I would react as her "protector".

I wanted more than anything to drag the guy kicking and screaming into the street, and to stand there with a smile on my face waiting for the ambulance to show up and scrape up whats left of him off the pavement with a shovel.

I wasnt going to give her the satisfaction of a reaction, Id rather have it sting deeper to hand her the divorce papers and leave her in the dust.

 

 

How you handled this is called taking the high ground. That is nothing to be ashamed of or be criticized for. Had you lost it and beat the crap out of this guy, you would have been arrested and thrown in jail on battery charges, and still would have come home to a cheating wife. Don't ever second guess the way you reacted, no shame in having class.

[ivelostmyself]

How you handled this is called taking the high ground. That is nothing to be ashamed of or be criticized for. Had you lost it and beat the crap out of this guy, you would have been arrested and thrown in jail on battery charges, and still would have come home to a cheating wife. Don't ever second guess the way you reacted, no shame in having class.

 

It took every ounce of strength I had left. Literally all of it. You have no idea the thoughts that flooded into my head at light speed. Standing there in the same room with my wife and some prick in our bed on our damn anniversary. All I was thinking was dont let this guy make it out of this room breathing, hes not going to make it out of here at all.

I also thought of what you said exactly. Thats also why I didnt do it. I hate taking the high ground and sometimes having class is ****ty and painful because all you want to do is hurt them like you are hurting, for them to feel the amount of pain you feel. Ugh.

[Mazerati]

Ill be speaking to the attorney and before I go and get an apartment, I know better than to just run off and get my own place and move everything I own out before having this settled in a legal sense. I just want to pack up a few things ill need while im at my friends place for a few days and get an idea of what will be coming with me when its all said and done.

I know some may think the way I reacted was a weak move, that I just walked out of there like I didnt even care without yelling, punching and throwing ****. I guess I felt she wasnt worth the reaction. If you dont give a **** then why should I sort of thing. It probably got to her and shes wondering why I didnt react, why I didnt show her that I was pissed off and upset. I would always react when she would bring up the "creepy" dude that hit on her at the grocery store or at work. When guys would hit on her at the bar while we were both there and id step in. She never flirted back (atleast when I was there and said she never did when I wasnt....yeah thats probably BS) but liked the attention she got and she liked the way I would react as her "protector".

I wanted more than anything to drag the guy kicking and screaming into the street, and to stand there with a smile on my face waiting for the ambulance to show up and scrape up whats left of him off the pavement with a shovel.

I wasnt going to give her the satisfaction of a reaction, Id rather have it sting deeper to hand her the divorce papers and leave her in the dust.

 

It took more courage not to lash out. You have great strength. Considering the circumstances, you are very strong to hold back. I don't think I could have. But you did it right. Well done

The advice here is solid.

Her road is dust, and by taking the high road yours will become a scenic wonderland.

Be strong!!!!

Edited May 11, 2015 by Mazerati

[tobrieornottobrie]

I can't even begin to imagine what you're feeling. I'm so sorry for what you're going through and I just want to encourage you to hang in there. Would be open to going to see a counselor or therapist? It may be really helpful to have a professional to talk to as you are trying to sort all of this out. Wishing you the best.

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[lemoncello]

Definitely get the house finances in order. Work out through your lawyer if you can sell the house and split the profit when you sell it. Or, sell her your half and have her parents buy you out. At least you have separate credit cards. Are your vehicles leased or do own them? If they are in both your names, make sure your name is taken off the title of the car that your wife drives. You don't want your name on two car titles.

[stillafool]

Ill be speaking to the attorney and before I go and get an apartment, I know better than to just run off and get my own place and move everything I own out before having this settled in a legal sense. I just want to pack up a few things ill need while im at my friends place for a few days and get an idea of what will be coming with me when its all said and done.

I know some may think the way I reacted was a weak move, that I just walked out of there like I didnt even care without yelling, punching and throwing ****. I guess I felt she wasnt worth the reaction. If you dont give a **** then why should I sort of thing. It probably got to her and shes wondering why I didnt react, why I didnt show her that I was pissed off and upset. I would always react when she would bring up the "creepy" dude that hit on her at the grocery store or at work. When guys would hit on her at the bar while we were both there and id step in. She never flirted back (atleast when I was there and said she never did when I wasnt....yeah thats probably BS) but liked the attention she got and she liked the way I would react as her "protector".

I wanted more than anything to drag the guy kicking and screaming into the street, and to stand there with a smile on my face waiting for the ambulance to show up and scrape up whats left of him off the pavement with a shovel.

I wasnt going to give her the satisfaction of a reaction, Id rather have it sting deeper to hand her the divorce papers and leave her in the dust.

 

 

I think you handled this situation great. You were right to not get yourself in trouble as she is certainly not worth it.

[No Limit]

No need to go to jail because of people you don't give a rat's behind about. Not all APs getting their butts kicked are just going to vanish after getting a few blue eyes and get the police involved; this way you'll be rid of her much, much faster and above all you're not locked into some cell like a criminal. Plus, you can hire others to do the dirty work should you ever feel the need arise, lol. And you can still give that video you made to their boss when the divorce is finalized.

[lemoncello]

Ill be speaking to the attorney and before I go and get an apartment, I know better than to just run off and get my own place and move everything I own out before having this settled in a legal sense. I just want to pack up a few things ill need while im at my friends place for a few days and get an idea of what will be coming with me when its all said and done.

I know some may think the way I reacted was a weak move, that I just walked out of there like I didnt even care without yelling, punching and throwing ****. I guess I felt she wasnt worth the reaction. If you dont give a **** then why should I sort of thing. It probably got to her and shes wondering why I didnt react, why I didnt show her that I was pissed off and upset. I would always react when she would bring up the "creepy" dude that hit on her at the grocery store or at work. When guys would hit on her at the bar while we were both there and id step in. She never flirted back (atleast when I was there and said she never did when I wasnt....yeah thats probably BS) but liked the attention she got and she liked the way I would react as her "protector".

I wanted more than anything to drag the guy kicking and screaming into the street, and to stand there with a smile on my face waiting for the ambulance to show up and scrape up whats left of him off the pavement with a shovel.

I wasnt going to give her the satisfaction of a reaction, Id rather have it sting deeper to hand her the divorce papers and leave her in the dust.

 

I said it before. You have a lot of class in the fact that you kept it together after walking in on your wife and her co-worker. Just because you didn't fly into a rage then and there and pummel the guy sleeping next to your wife, doesn't mean you're less of a man. Not at all. Everyone reacts the way they react. People who judge you for the way you chose to react aren't in your shoes so take their criticism of your choice with a HUGE grain of salt.

 

I am very impressed with how well you are handling the situation. It shows that you are mature and have your act together. So, don't feel the need to defend yourself anymore to people who criticize and judge you. I think you're on the right track. Keep it up. You'll be ok. Take it one step at a time. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. It will all work out the way it is supposed to.

 

Keep calm and carry on.

[Methodical]

ILM,

 

Were you able to make an appointment to see your attorney? Hope s/he can see you soon so that you can begin making plans to move forward. Also, has Sarah and her mother stopped calling and begging you to consider reconciling your marriage after this "one time accident?" I suppose when you didn't cave and cater to Sarah's temper tantrum she managed to come out of the room she'd barricaded herself in.

[Binster]

Just wanted to say that when you first posted I thought I would have gone berserk if this had happened to me then I realised that you did the right (smart) thing after a.

 

To people that have difficulty believing this thread all i would say is that in the past i have read stuff on here and thought "NO WAY" then just recently i found out about a friends situation and my jaw dropped. There are some really selfish

messed up people around.

[2.50 a gallon]

My story is similar to yours in that I caught my EX kissing a guard where she worked on our 6 month anniversary. Unlike you, I was not able to show my cool and collected side. In fact, had there not been a chain link fence topped with razor wire I would have been on them with a ball bat. Instead, I called her all the nastiest things I could think of, in front of her co-workers and embarrassing her. I also let hew know that it was unsafe for her to come home that night, if ever. Having no other place to go she moved in with the OM.

At first she had no remorse, until one day she discovered that I too had not slept alone the previous night. In fact I had spent the previous night screwing the wife of one of her co-worker OM's.

It was then she went nuts and wanted to reconcile. As you I still loved her, but knew I could never trust her again, so was adamant in not taking her back.

She kept trying for the next 3 - 4 years, with Xmas, B-day, Valentine and wish you were here cards.

Me, I lost all faith in being able to trust in love and marriage and swore I would never fall in love or marry again. It took about a year before I was once again able to perform with single women again. Then my sex life took off. I lasted for another dozen years, when one night cupid caught me, first kiss second date and have been in love with her ever since.

All of this happened almost 35 years ago.

A couple of years back I Googled my EX and found a photo. The years have not been kind to her.

While for the past 20 years I have shared my life with a gal who is totally out of my league in the looks department. She is now a granny of a 20 year old and still has an hour glass figure and flat stomach. And at the same time is the sweetest most kind, loving person I have ever met.

Divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me

Trust me with time you will get over this, and like myself find someone who is many times better than what you now have

Edited May 12, 2015 by 2.50 a gallon