hawkeye_pierce Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 OP, you've handled this situation better than I would. I don't know what I would do if I had walked on like you did, but I doubt I would have been as calm as you were. Keep your head up. Have you thought about therapy to help you talk out your feelings? I've been going for a while now. It really helps. It doesn't make things magically better, but having an outside perspective is very helpful. My story is similar to yours in that I caught my EX kissing a guard where she worked on our 6 month anniversary. Unlike you, I was not able to show my cool and collected side. In fact, had there not been a chain link fence topped with razor wire I would have been on them with a ball bat. Instead, I called her all the nastiest things I could think of, in front of her co-workers and embarrassing her. I also let hew know that it was unsafe for her to come home that night, if ever. Having no other place to go she moved in with the OM. At first she had no remorse, until one day she discovered that I too had not slept alone the previous night. In fact I had spent the previous night screwing the wife of one of her co-worker OM's. It was then she went nuts and wanted to reconcile. As you I still loved her, but knew I could never trust her again, so was adamant in not taking her back. She kept trying for the next 3 - 4 years, with Xmas, B-day, Valentine and wish you were here cards. Me, I lost all faith in being able to trust in love and marriage and swore I would never fall in love or marry again. It took about a year before I was once again able to perform with single women again. Then my sex life took off. I lasted for another dozen years, when one night cupid caught me, first kiss second date and have been in love with her ever since. All of this happened almost 35 years ago. A couple of years back I Googled my EX and found a photo. The years have not been kind to her. While for the past 20 years I have shared my life with a gal who is totally out of my league in the looks department. She is now a granny of a 20 year old and still has an hour glass figure and flat stomach. And at the same time is the sweetest most kind, loving person I have ever met. Divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me Trust me with time you will get over this, and like myself find someone who is many times better than what you now have This really gives me hope. Neither I nor my wife have filed yet but as soon as I get a job, one of us will. When you're going through it, it's hard to see that things can and will get better. I'm so ready to be with someone that actually respects me and loves me. I've got to focus on me and my kids first though. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 File and just never talk to her again. Don't give her a second of your time. Your clearly better than that and you deserve better than what she gave you. You already know what she is going to say anyhow. Save yourself that hell and just move on. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 To people that have difficulty believing this thread all i would say is that in the past i have read stuff on here and thought "NO WAY" then just recently i found out about a friends situation and my jaw dropped. There are some really selfish messed up people around. I'll second that. I admit, I had/have my doubts about this thread as well but I have also had personal friends in real life that have had things happen to them that make this look tame by comparison. Even if this specific story is completely fabricated, the advice given is legit and can help someone who is in the real situation some day. What the OP is claiming, does really happen to real people in real life all too often. Even if it's fabricated, it's not at all unrealistic. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Any updates? Have you seen a lawyer yet? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted May 16, 2015 Share Posted May 16, 2015 Years ago,I walked in on my wife(ex now), while we were having problems, and good friend once. She told me that "he was too drunk to drive,so he stopped there". I told him to get in my car and I'd take him home. He knew I was the fighting type of guy and always had a gun on me...I drove him the loooong way home,through some dense forest areas/country back roads,ect.. I didn't touch him or say a word the entire time(I was done with her at this point). A couple years after my divorce I started to talk to him again and he told me he thought I was going to kill/bury him that night. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Gah, what a horrible story. I am sorry this happened to you. If she continues to beg, give her a list of things she must do for you to even consider reconciliation... - quit that job and cease all contact with that guy and everyone else from that place, including on social media - quit drinking completely. Not even wine with dinner - go to regular individual counseling to figure out why this happened and how to prevent it from happening again - move into her own place and prove to you that she is capable of being alone without other guys Of course, she won't be able to do all this. But by having the list, it gives you something to point to when she comes begging for a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 Gah, what a horrible story. I am sorry this happened to you. If she continues to beg, give her a list of things she must do for you to even consider reconciliation... - quit that job and cease all contact with that guy and everyone else from that place, including on social media - quit drinking completely. Not even wine with dinner - go to regular individual counseling to figure out why this happened and how to prevent it from happening again - move into her own place and prove to you that she is capable of being alone without other guys Of course, she won't be able to do all this. But by having the list, it gives you something to point to when she comes begging for a chance. Thankfully OP was smart enough not to consider reconciliation with someone who started an affair early in their marriage. At least that was the last update. Link to post Share on other sites
princesslady Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 Wow, what a story. I feel for you, this is horrible to go through! This is just my opinion, but I would advise you to leave her. You sound like such a great guy and that you really cared for her. She is only 25, I believe, so that's still very young and definitely immature, in her case. I would never think of doing what she did, but I guess we're all different and our standards are different. I was once told a great thing, and that was - "people don't change that much". I agree 100%, and if she did it once, she is prone to do something again. Maybe it won't be cheating, but how can you ever trust her again? I have seen this happen to another marriage (not my marriage), and the person was forgiven, but things were just not the same since. You are still very young. You can find happiness and someone who would truly love you for who you are and wouldn't use you. I always thought cheating is so low, just fess up to the person that you don't need them anymore, but why lie? It's hard, but find a good support group, be it family or friends; get the strength within and leave her. Good luck. I wish you all the best! Hugs! Link to post Share on other sites
Esraem Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 Yeah. You will never be able to trust the same way again as well as it will happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 You handled things perfectly. The video was a great idea. The only thing that could have made it better would have been to hide his pants with his wallet and keys before you woke them up. I would upload him looking for his pants to YouTube. Link to post Share on other sites
irishguy Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Sorry this happened to you .I think you handled it right to ,a baseball bat to his car might have been a bonus . Did you have to go away often for business trips . Link to post Share on other sites
unrequitedluv Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 yup. in rs we wonder. wad had we done wrong to deserve what we are getting now. mine not as worst as u in a sense I did not catch them in bed. but am no better of. i m 25. with 2 kids and 1 on the way. the man i love for 8yrs help him for 8 yrs he told me tt he had nv love me b4 its all responsibility he dun wan me neither does he wan the kids. can u imagine? 1 month ago everything was nice and sweet till i found out his affair. eventually i contacted his gal and tehy broke off. he was furious to knw tt i contact his gal and help her to leave him. he move out. and claim he now had all his freedom and a new gal. at least. u need not go thru wad i am having I am struggling to ask him back for a chance when i knw i did ntng wrong in fact. everyone has flaw including me. i am willing to change and forgive him but well he is nt remorse and clearly he does not want nor need me. at least u have a chance to knw others to knw those better suit u and no kids will be drag into ur pic. u will be strong! gambatte ne! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 would completely understand if I wanted a divorce Good, give her one. Short marriage, no kids, cheating wife = divorce. No need to talk to her. If her parents call again, tell them her behaviour is not your problem, and that the divorce papers will be in the post shortly. See a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 You handled things perfectly. The video was a great idea. The only thing that could have made it better would have been to hide his pants with his wallet and keys before you woke them up. I would upload him looking for his pants to YouTube. I wouldn't have let him grab them, if I was in the OPs shoes. I would have grabbed the guy by the throat and lifted him up out of the bed and thrown/shoved him out the door so hard into the hallway and told him to forget his shyte and get the **** out. Well I guess I'd have thrown his keys at him so he could start the car. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I would have grabbed the guy by the throat and lifted him up out of the bed and thrown/shoved him out the door so hard into the hallway And I guess you'd now be in jail for assault or grievous bodily harm. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 OP, you ever coming back to let us know what's up? Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Gee, I wonder what what became of him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 And I guess you'd now be in jail for assault or grievous bodily harm. Well I'll take that chance, that the cops and judge will think the guy in my house, ****ing my wife got off very lightly with that by getting thrown out the door and not got a proper assault my getting beaten up. I reckon quite a few cops were I live wouldn't file charges if a cheating prick came to them complaining about being thrown out of the bedroom by the husband.Where I live you certainly would not land in jail for what I described and I doubt very much a charge of grievous bodily harm would result. Maybe different in the states tho. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 (edited) Well I'll take that chance, that the cops and judge will think the guy in my house, ****ing my wife got off very lightly with that by getting thrown out the door and not got a proper assault my getting beaten up. I reckon quite a few cops were I live wouldn't file charges if a cheating prick came to them complaining about being thrown out of the bedroom by the husband.Where I live you certainly would not land in jail for what I described and I doubt very much a charge of grievous bodily harm would result. Maybe different in the states tho. I am not talking about the cops filing assault charges because you threw him out. I am talking about the part where you attempted to murder him by strangulation, and he banged his head on a table corner as you threw him, he suffered severe concussion, brain damage or even death. I think the cops and judge would be very interested in that case, and the defence that he's a "cheating prick" and deserved it, would not hold much water in any court. If you really think you can control your aggression to the extent that you can pick him up by the throat, throw him out of the bedroom and the house, whilst being so careful as to not cause serious injury - all the while your emotions and anger are all over the place from finding him ****ing your wife - then you need to seriously re-think. Violence is not the answer. Edited May 28, 2015 by PegNosePete Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 And I guess you'd now be in jail for assault or grievous bodily harm. Not necessarily. In my paramedic days I was involved in a situation similar to this. A guy came home one night and caught some guy in the middle of the downstroke with his wife. He started mopping the floor with this naked guy and before he actually beat the guy into unconsciousness the guy broke free and jumped through a second floor window splatting on the ground and cutting himself to ribbons on all the glass. The husband then called 911 and reported he came home and caught an intruder sexually assaulting his wife. In order to save her own skin at the moment the wife also stated she was assaulted and saved by the husband. Everyone from the judge on down knew it was all BS and knew they were getting in on consensualy but the prosecutor knew he wouldn't be able to prove that the husband wasn't legitimately in fear of his wife's safety with this other man in his home so no charges were ever filed. The concept of Castle Doctrine is very strong and in order to get a conviction the prosecutor is going to have to prove to a jury that the husband knew it was a consensual affair and intended to cause the OM bodily injury even though there was no threat to his home or family. People actually have a lot of legal leeway to protect their home and when there is a man in someone's house that isn't supposed to be there it is very challenging to make any kind of charges stick if that man gets his ass whupped. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 .....You don't have to convince a judge and jury that you sincerely thought your wife was being raped by an intruder. You just have to create a reasonable doubt that you knew darn well it was a consensual affair and knew there was no threat to your self, family and home and intentionally harmed him anyway. From a prosecution aspect, that is going to be hard to prove unless they can produce written documentation of the husband saying, "if I ever catch ___ ___ in this house fcking you, I am going to beat him bad and make up a story that I thought you were being raped." Without that written threat in advance, it would be very hard to make any charges stick. And most women are probably going to throw the OM under the bus and not stand up and testify against the H and testify that he knew there was no threat and knew without reasonable doubt that it was consensual. Link to post Share on other sites
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