It's Been 4 Years, For Pete's Sake

[radrluv72]

First of all, if this isn't the correct place for this particular matter, I apologize ahead of time. But I digress...

 

 

4 years ago I met a guy on Match.com who started messaging after temporarily relocating to a town near me from his home in New Jersey. He was here to work with a guy who owns a big riding stable and learn some of the ropes of the business as he was a rider himself and wanted to eventually have his own farm and train new riders. We talked for several weeks and when we would talk about finally meeting up for a dinner date, he would always have to break it because he wound up having to be on the the road for work. The one time we finally nailed a night down, he wound up standing me up. When I got a hold of him with "what the hell just happened", supposedly he had tried to text me that afternoon to let me know that he couldn't make it because his horse was injured and went as far as sending me a screenshot of the actual text that I never got. To make up for it, he met me for drinks later that night, and it went okay although I was a little...well, put out. But who wouldn't be, right? The day after we finally were able to meet, he flew out of Los Angeles for some business, we exchanged some messages for a few more weeks, but eventually I lost my patience with the whole scenario, told him what I thought in not such a nice way, and we had a blow out. Yes, of course, I realize that I probably could have handled it a little better, but I was extremely frustrated. Needless to say, after that he blocked me on Facebook, I dumped his number and we never spoke again. Done deal.

 

Fast forward to literally, last night. I have an Instagram account that I don't use *that* often, but I do use it. Last night I got some weird notification on my phone that some farm out of Connecticut started following my account. I looked, followed the link to the home page, and BOOM...there he is, the head trainer at this stable in Connecticut, 4 YEARS LATER. I think it took me about ten minutes to pick my jaw up off the floor. Then I went on Facebook, and I don't know how or when it had occurred, but I'd been unblocked.

 

Now of course, I have to look at what he didn't do first. He wasn't following me through Instagram through his own personal account, but the account for the farm. And as far as Facebook went, he never sent me a message or a friend request. And it's not like I'm a person who has vested interest in horse jumping. I don't ride, I don't follow the sport, and I'm nowhere near the East coast, so it's not possible that it's some freak coincidence.

 

So here's the question...if you were in my shoes and this happened to you, what would your gut tell you is going on? I mean, did I like the guy? Of course I did, which added fuel to the fire when I got so sick and tired of the whole setting up and breaking date thing. But I mean seriously...it's literally been almost 4 years and we went out ONCE. I'm flabbergasted that he would even remember my name after all this time to even look me up. So...what the hell is up with this?

[Ruby65]

Yeah, it sounds weird! I've had guys pop up after a really long time, too. What's that about?

 

I guess it's really up to you if you want to follow up and take steps to initiate contact. In your shoes, I'd probably do nothing and wait and see if he does more than just unblock you or follow you on Instagram.

 

I know you liked the guy, and he has that whole "one that got away" type of vibe, but it doesn't sound like he was treating you very well when he had the chance to date you.

[No Limit]

I'm a former equestrian (now only passive due to college), so I can tell you why it shouldn't matter to you what it means;

 

Doing horses and riding for a living isn't just a job, it's a lifestyle. And in case the guy does it professionally (considering that you mentioned show jumping) he has to be in this even more than the casual rider with a holiday farm with ponies for kids. Sport horse training alone is tough and must be well-scheduled, they need special food, you must win to compete and qualify for other tournaments... I could go on and on but when you do equestrianism for a living it becomes a science that can always be improved.

 

So unless you are willing and able to drop everything, move over to his farm and start training your riding skills it doesn't really matter why he did it or not. There's just no room for a relationship between you two, as you've already experienced.

[radrluv72]

Yeah, it sounds weird! I've had guys pop up after a really long time, too. What's that about?

 

I guess it's really up to you if you want to follow up and take steps to initiate contact. In your shoes, I'd probably do nothing and wait and see if he does more than just unblock you or follow you on Instagram.

 

I know you liked the guy, and he has that whole "one that got away" type of vibe, but it doesn't sound like he was treating you very well when he had the chance to date you.

 

That was my first thought as well. I learned a long time ago that when someone from your past turns towards your general direction without any provocation on your end, best just to sit back as see what happens next instead of jumping all over it like white on rice. I will however say that I'm not quite sure that I'd so go far to put him in the "one that got away" category. I mean, we only did "go out" once, and as far as getting to know him went, I maybe scratched the surface a smidge but not enough to feel lousy about it not working out back then. My own experience is that anyone who's popped up from my past and made actual contact with me is someone that I was much more involved with and invokes the ol' Monty Python "run away" warning go off in my head. But like I said, this one is just weird. Thank you for your input!!

[radrluv72]

I'm a former equestrian (now only passive due to college), so I can tell you why it shouldn't matter to you what it means;

 

Doing horses and riding for a living isn't just a job, it's a lifestyle. And in case the guy does it professionally (considering that you mentioned show jumping) he has to be in this even more than the casual rider with a holiday farm with ponies for kids. Sport horse training alone is tough and must be well-scheduled, they need special food, you must win to compete and qualify for other tournaments... I could go on and on but when you do equestrianism for a living it becomes a science that can always be improved.

 

So unless you are willing and able to drop everything, move over to his farm and start training your riding skills it doesn't really matter why he did it or not. There's just no room for a relationship between you two, as you've already experienced.

 

Oh yes...it's definitely more than a passing hobby. He was/is a professional jumper. His folks owned stables in New Jersey and Florida, and at the time we were speaking we was trying to train for the Olympic trials, which was his second go. However, I think he might have put it aside because that "business trip" he took the day after we finally met up was to meet with the producers of a jousting competition show that was only aired for one season. I think he might still compete, but training show jumpers might be his main focus right now, but that's just a wild guess.

 

I also completely understand what you're telling me about the lifestyle...or rather, "the life". I has the gist of it when we first started speaking and knew that was a professional athlete. But back then I really wasn't in check about my level of patience as I am now. But I kind of have to disagree with you about that it doesn't why after 4 years he just pops up on the scene and looks me up on the internet. I mean honestly, the idea of moving to his farm and learning to ride and care for horses all day, *if* that was an option--sure, sign me the hell up, because working a 9 to 5 office job and burning brain cells staring at a computer screen gets a little monotonous. But the reason I'm saying that I think that it does matter is because if we *both* know that it already wasn't working out because of the fact that being an equestrian was his life and it was virtually impossible just to have the one "date" that we had, why in the world would he even be looking me up? I couldn't possibly imagine that his life is any less busy than it was 4 years ago because from what I saw from the website, not only does he have the stables in Connecticut, but Florida as well.

 

But then again, if doesn't do anything other than what he's done, then yes, my initial question is invalid. The whole thing is still weird, but would be still invalid.

[No Limit]

Oh yes...it's definitely more than a passing hobby. He was/is a professional jumper. His folks owned stables in New Jersey and Florida, and at the time we were speaking we was trying to train for the Olympic trials, which was his second go. However, I think he might have put it aside because that "business trip" he took the day after we finally met up was to meet with the producers of a jousting competition show that was only aired for one season. I think he might still compete, but training show jumpers might be his main focus right now, but that's just a wild guess.

 

I also completely understand what you're telling me about the lifestyle...or rather, "the life". I has the gist of it when we first started speaking and knew that was a professional athlete. But back then I really wasn't in check about my level of patience as I am now. But I kind of have to disagree with you about that it doesn't why after 4 years he just pops up on the scene and looks me up on the internet. I mean honestly, the idea of moving to his farm and learning to ride and care for horses all day, *if* that was an option--sure, sign me the hell up, because working a 9 to 5 office job and burning brain cells staring at a computer screen gets a little monotonous. But the reason I'm saying that I think that it does matter is because if we *both* know that it already wasn't working out because of the fact that being an equestrian was his life and it was virtually impossible just to have the one "date" that we had, why in the world would he even be looking me up? I couldn't possibly imagine that his life is any less busy than it was 4 years ago because from what I saw from the website, not only does he have the stables in Connecticut, but Florida as well.

 

But then again, if doesn't do anything other than what he's done, then yes, my initial question is invalid. The whole thing is still weird, but would be still invalid.

 

If his main focus is training show jumpers (even if he doesn't own most of them) he'll be even more busy. Even in the training business the customer is the king; if the customer expects the horse to be able to jump certain obstacles - no matter the height - in a certain amount of time, a trainer has to be able to do just that. If he has to present them in competitions his schedule is pretty full, when a friend of mine was working as a trainer for a few horse traders she was training them during the week, and drove a huge truck with several horses loaded in it to competitions on weekends. I think it's pretty safe to say that he doesn't do it professionally anymore - if you want to get up there you need to buy the best horses before others get them, in other words that means you have to do a "lucky buy" and pick an untrained yearling and guess his chances as a sport horse merely from pedigree and anatomy. And even that yearling won't cost below 10.000$; but that's still cheap considering the several hundreds of thousands that a 3-year-old costs in an elite auction etc.

 

But I digress. Perhaps he was just curious?

[radrluv72]

If his main focus is training show jumpers (even if he doesn't own most of them) he'll be even more busy. Even in the training business the customer is the king; if the customer expects the horse to be able to jump certain obstacles - no matter the height - in a certain amount of time, a trainer has to be able to do just that. If he has to present them in competitions his schedule is pretty full, when a friend of mine was working as a trainer for a few horse traders she was training them during the week, and drove a huge truck with several horses loaded in it to competitions on weekends. I think it's pretty safe to say that he doesn't do it professionally anymore - if you want to get up there you need to buy the best horses before others get them, in other words that means you have to do a "lucky buy" and pick an untrained yearling and guess his chances as a sport horse merely from pedigree and anatomy. And even that yearling won't cost below 10.000$; but that's still cheap considering the several hundreds of thousands that a 3-year-old costs in an elite auction etc.

 

But I digress. Perhaps he was just curious?

 

I'd get the curiousity thing if it was a situation where we'd have been more involved. I've been curious about people from my past too, but not usually people that I'd only been out with *once*. I know I'm in danger of sounding like I'm analyzing it to death, but it's not like my Instagram account is private. Even if he was just curious for a moment, following my account wouldn't have been necessary.

 

All I can do is sit back and see what he does (if anything). 4 years after one date is a long time....but stranger things have been known to happen, I suppose.

[Ruby65]

To be honest, his career sounds busy and all, but if someone wants to see you they make it work no matter if they're doctor, lawyer, Indian chief, etc.

 

It sounds like he just wasn't very into you back then.... and is only giving the very most minimal effort into *reconnecting*. Literally just hitting a key on his smartphone.

 

I'd give this guy one big "meh" for effort.

[radrluv72]

To be honest, his career sounds busy and all, but if someone wants to see you they make it work no matter if they're doctor, lawyer, Indian chief, etc.

 

It sounds like he just wasn't very into you back then.... and is only giving the very most minimal effort into *reconnecting*. Literally just hitting a key on his smartphone.

 

I'd give this guy one big "meh" for effort.

 

I agree. Although it's mysterious, it's been a couple of days and he hasn't done anything else to reach out to me. So I still don't get it. But yes...there needs to be a bigger effort.

[Popsicle]

He's too busy to date you but it makes him feel good to at least keep the pilot lit.

[radrluv72]

For anyone that might be interested, there was a conclusion to this of my own making, yet a somewhat uneventful one.

 

A couple of days after this happened, I bit the bullet and decided to message him through Facebook; partially because I really wanted to find out the motive behind following me through the Farm account, and partially because I wanted to see if he would actually respond or not. I told him in the message that I had followed the link in the Farm's Instagram profile back to the profile and saw the he was the head trainer, and asked if the Farm following me must have been some kind of really strange mistake because last I knew, I wasn't exactly on his list of favorites. Well, the message got a "read" indicator 1 minute after I sent it, but he didn't reply. So I gave it 3 days, and still no reply.

 

3 days is enough time to at least say "boo"--at least in my book, it is. No one is *that* busy. Given the circumstances, I knew that the Farm following my Instagram in no way could have been any kind of an accident because this guy was the only person at the Farm who even knew who I was, I don't live in that part of the country, and in no way do I follow the equestrian sport. But the last thing I was going to do was be left waiting...and waiting...and waiting. So, I shot him one last message on Facebook stating that since I hadn't heard from him that I was going to go ahead and assume that the Farm account following me was probably in error (yeah right), and that I was going to go ahead and remove the Farm as a follower, but in the off chance that it wasn't and there was something on his mind, that he could give me a call and left him my cell number. And with that, I promptly blocked the Farm account to remove it from my list of followers and then privatized my account so anyone wanting so see my pictures would have to ask. Since then, it appears he's not yet read my last message on Facebook, and I've had no requests from the Farm account or his own personal account to follow my Instagram.

 

The way I see it (I think most would agree with me), if there's a real want on his part to reconnect in some fashion, following my Instagram in a half-assed manner isn't the way to do it. I'm completely and totally open to talking to him again, and if he wants to know how I am, he can ask. Contrary to 4 years ago, I don't "bite". I know what my part was in things not working out, and I would hope that he would see his part too. But the last time I'm going to do is chase him around trying to find out what he's after. Bottom line is that he's just a guy like any other guy, and until he puts himself out there to reconnect, I need to close the book on this again. Right decision made, I think.

[Ruby65]

I would say, by contacting him twice now -- you've already done much much more to connect than he did.

 

I would've just walked without sending him any messages, but what's done is done! Block him everywhere, if he's ever got anything of value to say, he'll figure out a way to reach you.

 

Onward and upward!