Am I Wasting My Time?

[PreppyPoppy]

There is a guy that I have been talking to from online for close to three years now. We started chatting because we shared a mutual interest and a close friendship seemed to blossom from there.

 

Over time though I have developed feelings for this guy. I really, really like him a lot and I want to meet him to see where things might take us. He has talked about how he would love to meet me as well, but nothing has materialized, which is a constant source of frustration for me personally.

 

We live on opposite ends of the country and I have offered to fly out to meet him. I am OK with paying for my own airfare, hotel cost, etc. He keeps telling me how he wants to meet up, but it is always some excuse with him. Most recently he says it is because he is getting a new boss at work (which is true) and because of that, he won't be able to take many days off. So because of that I would be “bored” if I came out to see him. But then a few weeks later he talks about possibly going on a trip with his mom out of the country later this year.

 

Another example: I bring up how I would love for him to be here when the company that I work for has their formal holiday party in mid-December. He says “I will look into it and see if it is possible” and then changes the subject. That was a month ago I brought that up and he has not mentioned a word about it since.

 

I really don't know what to do at this point. He has told me before that out of everyone he knows, he confides in me the most. He mentioned once when someone asked him that he hasn't seen in awhile if he has a girlfriend, he told me he responded with “Well there is this girl that I know. I don't know if we are boyfriend and girlfriend, but I can say we are really close.” I was the girl he was referring to.

 

It has gotten to a point though where I am seriously conflicted. I love our almost daily conversations, he is the type of guy that I can see myself with. But it hurts my feelings so very much that we still have made no progress in meeting up. He knows how I feel about it, but nothing ever changes.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can bring this up with him? Should I give him an ultimatum or should I just pour my damn heart out and basically tell him straight out “I like you” (I never told him that specifically) and he is really hurting my feelings the longer this continues?

 

I feel like I have reached a point where I don't know how much longer I can wait around for him. We are both in our late 20's now... and I am beginning to wonder if I am wasting my time with him...

 

(And no, because I have a feeling someone might bring this up, he does not have a girl on the side. This much I DO know.)

[lemoncello]

Do you just email daily, or do you call/text/video skype too? 3 years is a long time to invest in someone whom you've never met in person.

 

If he hasn't made an effort to meet you by this time, I would think he just likes the ego boost from your virtual, daily conversations. If he wanted you to be in his life offline, I think he would have made that happen. But it sounds like he's given you excuses for three years as to why he can't meetup with you in person.

 

I don't think he's a good investment for you if he refuses to meet you in person, especially when you live in the same country, just on opposite sides.

[PreppyPoppy]

Thank you for your response!

 

We instant message each other, but we also talk on the phone, text, and have video chatted before.

 

I do feel like they are excuses, and I know he is trying to improve his situation with getting a better job and everything. But at the same time, I find it difficult to believe that in almost three years, there was no way that he could not take a few days and allow me to meet up with him.

 

The stupid part of it is, I believe he is sincere when he says he wants to meet up. The one time where I did get really mad at him (when talking about this) he did seem to be pretty hurt.

 

But nothing ever changes.

[CarrieT]

After three years, it is time to give up...

[lemoncello]

Thank you for your response!

 

We instant message each other, but we also talk on the phone, text, and have video chatted before.

 

I do feel like they are excuses, and I know he is trying to improve his situation with getting a better job and everything. But at the same time, I find it difficult to believe that in almost three years, there was no way that he could not take a few days and allow me to meet up with him.

 

The stupid part of it is, I believe he is sincere when he says he wants to meet up. The one time where I did get really mad at him (when talking about this) he did seem to be pretty hurt.

 

But nothing ever changes.

 

It's ideal in a LDR to meet within the first 6 months from the first time you met (whether in person or online). Since it's been nothing but 3 years of excuses, I don't think it's likely that he'll ever follow through to meetup with you in person.

 

The reason he won't take a few days to fly to meet you is because he doesn't want to make this virtual relationship real. That's what I don't like about meeting people online. You never know who you're really talking to, especially when they make up excuses as to why they can't meet you in person.

 

I think after 3 years of being led on, you may want to think about ending this virtual connection and try dating offline?

[justwhoiam]

There is a guy that I have been talking to from online for close to three years now. We started chatting because we shared a mutual interest and a close friendship seemed to blossom from there.

First of all, let's get this straight, you didn't start to talk to each other because you were looking for a lover/bf/gf. It started out as a penpal thing and it developed into something else. So it's stupid to think that he didn't want to meet you in 3 years.

 

When did he start letting you know he liked you? When did you start talking about meeting up?

 

To me, it's very simple. You just let him know:

I think we should definitely meet next month/this Summer. I can come in 4 weeks for the weekend. Will you keep that weekend free to spend time with me?

Answer: yes/no

 

It's a no-brainer. If there's something up for that weekend you just move the trip one week ahead or before.

Do you have his home address?

His landline number?

Name, last name?

Names of every close family member?

Place where he works? Company name?

Name of his boss?

Make sure you know enough about him before meeting him.

 

Most recently he says it is because he is getting a new boss at work (which is true) and because of that, he won't be able to take many days off.

Would he have to take days off if you just met him during the weekend? How come you didn't think of it?

 

So because of that I would be “bored” if I came out to see him.

How could you second that?

 

then a few weeks later he talks about possibly going on a trip with his mom out of the country later this year.

A mamma's boy... That might be the real problem.

 

I bring up how I would love for him to be here when the company that I work for has their formal holiday party in mid-December. He says “I will look into it and see if it is possible” and then changes the subject. That was a month ago I brought that up and he has not mentioned a word about it since.

First of all, your idea is nice, but not as your first meetup. So he gave you an answer that kept it open, but I guess he thought that maybe he wouldn't be seeing you before that, and it can make him uncomfortable.

 

When did you actually see him live on video last time? Maybe he's out of shape and he's scared that if you meet him like that you wouldn't like him? Men can be very vain. They want to look their best for a date that is important to them. Also, look into the relationship with his mother. Does she know about you? Does he live on his own or with his family? He's in his late 20s. About time to grow up. It looks like he doesn't have much of a backbone.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can bring this up with him?

See above.

 

Should I give him an ultimatum

Probably, but gently.

 

or should I just pour my damn heart out and basically tell him straight out “I like you”

I wouldn't do that. But that's just me. I'm not sure what that should trigger. I guess you want him to want to meet you, not that he meets you because it's you wanting to meet him. Get it?

[isRaven]

It's ideal in a LDR to meet within the first 6 months from the first time you met (whether in person or online). Since it's been nothing but 3 years of excuses, I don't think it's likely that he'll ever follow through to meetup with you in person.

 

The reason he won't take a few days to fly to meet you is because he doesn't want to make this virtual relationship real. That's what I don't like about meeting people online. You never know who you're really talking to, especially when they make up excuses as to why they can't meet you in person.

 

I think after 3 years of being led on, you may want to think about ending this virtual connection and try dating offline?

 

Agree.

 

I have a close friend who met her current boyfriend online. They had Skype every single day and knew each other's friends and family. My friend was smart enough to ask him to come and meet her within 6 months, if no then they would break up. She knew he had enough money so she asked that. They met and they're getting stronger now.

 

If both of you are still high school students who don't have income, then it's understandable to not meet each other within 3 years. But the fact is you do.

 

Also IMO, it's better if HE will meet you, not vice versa.

 

It's been 3 years, you know what you should do. Good luck.

[Michelle ma Belle]

The excuses are exactly that...excuses and poor ones at that.

 

After three years I think it's perfectly acceptable to issue an ultimatum.

 

I get it that some people doing the online thing enjoy living in this kind of bubble they've created for themselves. LDR are no different in this regard particularly when things are going well but at some point someone has to make the move to see if what you have online works in the real world. Sometimes it does but sometimes it doesn't and that can be a very scary prospect.

 

The way I see it is you're putting your whole life on hold for someone you haven't met yet and have no real plans to meet anytime soon. How many more years can you keep this up?

 

Time to tell him to sh*t or get off the pot.

 

Good luck.

[fred123]

question- can you demand that the person should like you by now and know how they feel? even after 3 years of talking without meeting?

 

whats the right expectations??

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you already know you're wasting your time. It's obvious this isn't going anywhere and that he doesn't have a serious intention of meeting you. You even offered to do all the legwork and absorb the costs and he still didn't take you up on it. That should tell you all you need to know about his level of interest. You're not on the same page.

 

And how you do you know there's no other girl in the picture? It sounds as though you believe what he tells you, but how can you possibly verify whether it's true?

[madjac74]

This sounds like an episode of "catfish" and those shows almost never end well