In the interest of moving on

[Grapesofwrath]

I don't know if he is truly emotionally available, and then again, I''m probably not either. I am where I am, and he is where he is. The question I have, and that he is maybe starting to answer, is whether it's possible for us to walk a path together of healing that might lead to us getting into an R.

 

We made plans this morning to attend a one-day meditation retreat in two weeks. Just the two of us. He has been practicing meditation and finds it helps with his healing, balance, and centeredness. I could use more of that in my life right now and I'm grateful that he suggested doing this together. I think it says something that he wants to go on a one-day meditation retreat with me. To me, that is an indication that he is open, emotionally.

[Mazerati]

From the penile perspective: (Sorry popsicle )

 

Grapes, from what I see, he is interested, but he is cautious. His kids are his priority, and he is looking at all the interactions between the families.

Very early on he was interested, he shared his feelings, you listened, empathized and it led to a beginning, and quickly to the bedroom.

The relationship seemed to blossom, then suddenly withered due to scheduling, etc. Some will explain you were a rebound, and it drifted to the friend zone.

Contact was maintained as time passed, but it did not return to that intimate level, yet there was familial interaction, and he very much enjoyed your company. Yes, very much.

As I mentioned, it started fast then ebbed. Time passed. In this case time was your and his ally. He was able to finalize things, and is now thinking clearer. He is taking it slower this time. He too is vulnerable, but his words indicate to me how much he cares for you. I may be old fashioned, but by not engaging physically he is showing you he respects you, and your family. He snuggles, cuddles, brings wine, he is very, very interested Grapes.

At this stage, I don't believe you are a rebound. If you are comfortable, you should ask him about you and he. I understand your feeling vulnerable, but so is he. You also are working your way out of a somewhat toxic relationship, that is I think much fresher than his situation. He has been separated for over a year and is now officially free. And as I remember you work at the same place with your ex? MM, and I better this relationship ended only a short while ago. Sorry if I am off base. Nothing is ever easy.

I believe your feelings are of greater concern, are you ready to move forward with this man? He has shared with you, have you shared with him?

Grapes, if you are, and have then I suggest you go for it. He sounds like an excellent man, and worth the effort IMHO. I believe he will follow your lead out of respect, then take on more of the lead.The chemistry is there, but sometimes the different compounds need to be added slow and in the correct order for it to work.

Again this is my perspective, but honestly I think he is more ready than you. Especially if he knows your recent history. He wants you to be sure too. So show him.

Best wishes Grapes!!!

Maz

[Hope Shimmers]

I don't know if he is truly emotionally available, and then again, I''m probably not either. I am where I am, and he is where he is. The question I have, and that he is maybe starting to answer, is whether it's possible for us to walk a path together of healing that might lead to us getting into an R.

 

We made plans this morning to attend a one-day meditation retreat in two weeks. Just the two of us. He has been practicing meditation and finds it helps with his healing, balance, and centeredness. I could use more of that in my life right now and I'm grateful that he suggested doing this together. I think it says something that he wants to go on a one-day meditation retreat with me. To me, that is an indication that he is open, emotionally.

 

I think this sounds great.

 

This man may or may not be 'emotionally available'. It's not a switch to be flipped; like you said, it's more of a path. Who knows where he is on it. Just because he is divorced does not automatically put him in the 'unavailable' category. When I divorced I was very emotionally available because I had worked through that process long before the actual D.

 

Have fun! Who knows where it might lead.

[Hope Shimmers]

From the penile perspective: (Sorry popsicle )

 

Grapes, from what I see, he is interested, but he is cautious. His kids are his priority, and he is looking at all the interactions between the families.

Very early on he was interested, he shared his feelings, you listened, empathized and it led to a beginning, and quickly to the bedroom.

The relationship seemed to blossom, then suddenly withered due to scheduling, etc. Some will explain you were a rebound, and it drifted to the friend zone.

Contact was maintained as time passed, but it did not return to that intimate level, yet there was familial interaction, and he very much enjoyed your company. Yes, very much.

As I mentioned, it started fast then ebbed. Time passed. In this case time was your and his ally. He was able to finalize things, and is now thinking clearer. He is taking it slower this time. He too is vulnerable, but his words indicate to me how much he cares for you. I may be old fashioned, but by not engaging physically he is showing you he respects you, and your family. He snuggles, cuddles, brings wine, he is very, very interested Grapes.

At this stage, I don't believe you are a rebound. If you are comfortable, you should ask him about you and he. I understand your feeling vulnerable, but so is he. You also are working your way out of a somewhat toxic relationship, that is I think much fresher than his situation. He has been separated for over a year and is now officially free. And as I remember you work at the same place with your ex? MM, and I better this relationship ended only a short while ago. Sorry if I am off base. Nothing is ever easy.

I believe your feelings are of greater concern, are you ready to move forward with this man? He has shared with you, have you shared with him?

Grapes, if you are, and have then I suggest you go for it. He sounds like an excellent man, and worth the effort IMHO. I believe he will follow your lead out of respect, then take on more of the lead.The chemistry is there, but sometimes the different compounds need to be added slow and in the correct order for it to work.

Again this is my perspective, but honestly I think he is more ready than you. Especially if he knows your recent history. He wants you to be sure too. So show him.

Best wishes Grapes!!!

Maz

 

Maz, your posts are always so well-thought out and spot on.

[Mazerati]

Maz, your posts are always so well-thought out and spot on.

 

Thank you Hope, I don't post much, but try to make it count. And if I may, you were a survivor, but now are a thriver!!!!

 

Here's looking at you kid! ?

 

Hugs

 

Maz

[Grapesofwrath]

From the penile perspective: (Sorry popsicle )

 

Grapes, from what I see, he is interested, but he is cautious. His kids are his priority, and he is looking at all the interactions between the families.

Very early on he was interested, he shared his feelings, you listened, empathized and it led to a beginning, and quickly to the bedroom.

The relationship seemed to blossom, then suddenly withered due to scheduling, etc. Some will explain you were a rebound, and it drifted to the friend zone.

Contact was maintained as time passed, but it did not return to that intimate level, yet there was familial interaction, and he very much enjoyed your company. Yes, very much.

As I mentioned, it started fast then ebbed. Time passed. In this case time was your and his ally. He was able to finalize things, and is now thinking clearer. He is taking it slower this time. He too is vulnerable, but his words indicate to me how much he cares for you. I may be old fashioned, but by not engaging physically he is showing you he respects you, and your family. He snuggles, cuddles, brings wine, he is very, very interested Grapes.

At this stage, I don't believe you are a rebound. If you are comfortable, you should ask him about you and he. I understand your feeling vulnerable, but so is he. You also are working your way out of a somewhat toxic relationship, that is I think much fresher than his situation. He has been separated for over a year and is now officially free. And as I remember you work at the same place with your ex? MM, and I better this relationship ended only a short while ago. Sorry if I am off base. Nothing is ever easy.

I believe your feelings are of greater concern, are you ready to move forward with this man? He has shared with you, have you shared with him?

Grapes, if you are, and have then I suggest you go for it. He sounds like an excellent man, and worth the effort IMHO. I believe he will follow your lead out of respect, then take on more of the lead.The chemistry is there, but sometimes the different compounds need to be added slow and in the correct order for it to work.

Again this is my perspective, but honestly I think he is more ready than you. Especially if he knows your recent history. He wants you to be sure too. So show him.

Best wishes Grapes!!!

Maz

 

Bulls eye! Thank you for that thoughtful response. I have shared some things with him in the past and allowed myself to be more vulnerable with him today than I have before. i am fearful, too, and have been hurt, too, so I'm not taking risks either. Your council here helps encourage me.

 

This is a good man. He has integrity. He is loyal and honorable. Hes a great father and he values family. He's also funny and smart and all that other good stuff. I would like to give things a chance of succeeding between us.

[Sassy Girl]

Bulls eye! Thank you for that thoughtful response. I have shared some things with him in the past and allowed myself to be more vulnerable with him today than I have before. i am fearful, too, and have been hurt, too, so I'm not taking risks either. Your council here helps encourage me.

 

This is a good man. He has integrity. He is loyal and honorable. Hes a great father and he values family. He's also funny and smart and all that other good stuff. I would like to give things a chance of succeeding between us.

 

when the time comes when you start becoming emotionally intimate will you be honest about your relationship with MM or keep it from him?

[Popsicle]

From the penile perspective: (Sorry popsicle )

Maz

 

 

 

Popsicle

[Mazerati]

Bulls eye! Thank you for that thoughtful response. I have shared some things with him in the past and allowed myself to be more vulnerable with him today than I have before. i am fearful, too, and have been hurt, too, so I'm not taking risks either. Your council here helps encourage me.

 

This is a good man. He has integrity. He is loyal and honorable. Hes a great father and he values family. He's also funny and smart and all that other good stuff. I would like to give things a chance of succeeding between us.

 

Sometimes all we need is a little push.

 

WE made plans this morning to attend a one-day meditation retreat in two weeks. Just the two of us. He has been practicing meditation and finds it helps with his healing, balance, and centeredness. I could use more of that in my life right now and I'm grateful that he suggested doing this together. I think it says something that he wants to go on a one-day meditation retreat with me. To me, that is an indication that he is open, emotionally.

 

See the word I bolded? We... That was the amplifier being plugged in. Him thinking of you and sharing this gift speaks volumes in of itself, Grapes.

Again from the penile perspective, I believe he has opened the

the emotional door and he is holding it for you. He is thinking of you no doubt in my mind.

Not to sound too funny, but you have a target on your back, coz he has his sights on you ? ?

 

Be patient, open, and honest. Integrity is your ally.

 

Best wishes,

 

Maz

[Mazerati]

 

 

Popsicle

 

I laughed loudly Popsicle, coz sometimes I wonder about the "Y" myself.

 

?

 

Maz

[Grapesofwrath]

when the time comes when you start becoming emotionally intimate will you be honest about your relationship with MM or keep it from him?

 

I have been, and will continue to be, honest with him about all the previous relationships I've had. I told him, in the past, about the exit EA at the end of my marriage and he did not judge me.

[Grapesofwrath]

The meditation retreat is booked and we are confirmed.

 

Yesterday, he asked me for a huge favor (his words.) He has a last-minute business trip to Chicago on Monday. His ex-wife can't take their kids and he couldn't get a nanny booked on such short notice. He wonders if I can have them at my place Monday night and into Tuesday evening. This would mean care, feeding, sleepover, school transport, etc. He knows it's a big ask, and would understand completely if I said I couldn't.

 

I think I can swing it, and will agree to help. Being a single parent myself, I know how it can feel to be without resources, and at minimum I'd like to have that kind of friendship with him where we can help each other out. Neither of us have family in the area, which makes for a lean support system. I'm not hoping for the at minimum, though. I'm hoping that this demonstration of trust is another step toward something more developing.

[Popsicle]

The meditation retreat is booked and we are confirmed.

 

Yesterday, he asked me for a huge favor (his words.) He has a last-minute business trip to Chicago on Monday. His ex-wife can't take their kids and he couldn't get a nanny booked on such short notice. He wonders if I can have them at my place Monday night and into Tuesday evening. This would mean care, feeding, sleepover, school transport, etc. He knows it's a big ask, and would understand completely if I said I couldn't.

 

I think I can swing it, and will agree to help. Being a single parent myself, I know how it can feel to be without resources, and at minimum I'd like to have that kind of friendship with him where we can help each other out. Neither of us have family in the area, which makes for a lean support system. I'm not hoping for the at minimum, though. I'm hoping that this demonstration of trust is another step toward something more developing.

Absolutely do it.

[gettingstronger]

This makes my heart happy! I'm thrilled you have relationship where the wonderful things you do for others can be shared openly with the world. Beautiful!!

[Mazerati]

The meditation retreat is booked and we are confirmed.

 

Yesterday, he asked me for a huge favor (his words.) He has a last-minute business trip to Chicago on Monday. His ex-wife can't take their kids and he couldn't get a nanny booked on such short notice. He wonders if I can have them at my place Monday night and into Tuesday evening. This would mean care, feeding, sleepover, school transport, etc. He knows it's a big ask, and would understand completely if I said I couldn't.

 

I think I can swing it, and will agree to help. Being a single parent myself, I know how it can feel to be without resources, and at minimum I'd like to have that kind of friendship with him where we can help each other out. Neither of us have family in the area, which makes for a lean support system. I'm not hoping for the at minimum, though. I'm hoping that this demonstration of trust is another step toward something more developing.

 

Grapes,

 

From my perspective this is a sign of burgeoning trust. You should feel very happy that you are number one on his list. And yes, in more ways than just this one.

I suggest that just before he leaves, you plant a romantic kiss on him, and tell him to hurry back coz you'll be waiting. I know what his reaction will be. ?

Your relationship is moving forward, and I sincerely believe it will continue.

Enjoy the upcoming mediation retreat, Grapes!?

 

All my best!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Grapesofwrath]

Well....things didn't go as I'd hoped with my neighbor. We went on the meditation retreat, and that was great. I'm so happy to be learning this new skill and it has given tremendous benefits already. Lots of realizations about many things, and a feeling of greater balance and calm. But things with the neighbor are not moving in a romantic direction. Friends? Yes, absolutely. We've helped each other out several times with our kids, and all of that works really well. Even spending time with both families is fun. But nothing more between us romantically, of this I am certain. Maybe someday, but not for a while. He just isn't there, emotionally. He wanted to leave the retreat early for some reason he wouldn't explain, though we ended up staying the whole time. i think he was getting antsy or uncomfortable with all the introspection. He also declined my invitation to go to an upcoming concert together, saying he wouldn't feel comfortable in that environment since it's never really been his thing. To me, those are not the actions of a man who is trying to get closer to a woman.

 

After a few weeks of forced separation on my end (my kids with me, my family visiting) MM and I went out last week. He had been keeping in contact with me regularly, via text or phone, and once I knew that things were not going to develop with my neighbor, I agreed to see him again. He was jealous that I went to the retreat with a male friend, and I enjoyed seeing that reaction. I know this is weak. I was lonely. I wanted the affection, intimacy, and company. I love the sleepovers. Love the closeness. Once I agreed to see him again, he was at my house, spending the night with me again. Now we're back in our usual routine.

 

I'm disappointed in myself, on one hand, but also feeling more at peace with the situation and the limitations, plus the knowledge that it will have to end soon anyway. It appears that his niece and possibly his daughter will be staying in the family house in the city, come fall, to attend university. This will mean no more overnights for us, because they will know what he is doing and what hours he is keeping. If there are no more overnights, then I'm done. The thing I like most about this A is that it's overnights. It feels substantial. More like a "real" relationship. Without that, I just can't do it.

[Sassy Girl]

Well....things didn't go as I'd hoped with my neighbor. We went on the meditation retreat, and that was great. I'm so happy to be learning this new skill and it has given tremendous benefits already. Lots of realizations about many things, and a feeling of greater balance and calm. But things with the neighbor are not moving in a romantic direction. Friends? Yes, absolutely. We've helped each other out several times with our kids, and all of that works really well. Even spending time with both families is fun. But nothing more between us romantically, of this I am certain. Maybe someday, but not for a while. He just isn't there, emotionally. He wanted to leave the retreat early for some reason he wouldn't explain, though we ended up staying the whole time. i think he was getting antsy or uncomfortable with all the introspection. He also declined my invitation to go to an upcoming concert together, saying he wouldn't feel comfortable in that environment since it's never really been his thing. To me, those are not the actions of a man who is trying to get closer to a woman.

 

After a few weeks of forced separation on my end (my kids with me, my family visiting) MM and I went out last week. He had been keeping in contact with me regularly, via text or phone, and once I knew that things were not going to develop with my neighbor, I agreed to see him again. He was jealous that I went to the retreat with a male friend, and I enjoyed seeing that reaction. I know this is weak. I was lonely. I wanted the affection, intimacy, and company. I love the sleepovers. Love the closeness. Once I agreed to see him again, he was at my house, spending the night with me again. Now we're back in our usual routine.

 

I'm disappointed in myself, on one hand, but also feeling more at peace with the situation and the limitations, plus the knowledge that it will have to end soon anyway. It appears that his niece and possibly his daughter will be staying in the family house in the city, come fall, to attend university. This will mean no more overnights for us, because they will know what he is doing and what hours he is keeping. If there are no more overnights, then I'm done. The thing I like most about this A is that it's overnights. It feels substantial. More like a "real" relationship. Without that, I just can't do it.

 

Such a shame.

 

You know alone doesn't have to mean lonely,right?

 

Probably could work on enjoying your own company. But you won't. It was clear when you jumped from MM to neighbour within a week of breaking up. and then back to MM once you realised neighbour was a bust.

 

You're a smart lady. You know this.

[Grapesofwrath]

Sassy: Thanks for the judgement and chastisement. You have no idea how much time I spend alone or how much I enjoy it. I do get lonely, however. That makes me human. My choice to fill this need with a married man is the prolem. I recognize that, which is why I seek advice and support here.

 

 

Such a shame.

 

You know alone doesn't have to mean lonely,right?

 

Probably could work on enjoying your own company. But you won't. It was clear when you jumped from MM to neighbour within a week of breaking up. and then back to MM once you realised neighbour was a bust.

 

You're a smart lady. You know this.

[Sassy Girl]

Sassy: Thanks for the judgement and chastisement. You have no idea how much time I spend alone or how much I enjoy it. I do get lonely, however. That makes me human. My choice to fill this need with a married man is the prolem. I recognize that, which is why I seek advice and support here.

 

I actually really like you - you had so much resolve in your last thread that im surprised you went back there and am genuinely feeling sorry for you.

 

I'm not sure what support I can give you. You seem to want to be in the affair, which I don't think any friend would condone if they were looking out for your best interests. But you're right, I dont know anything aside from what you have written here so that's how I form my judgment - the same as everyone else. We all judge each other.

 

if you want advice or support what does that lol like? My advice is stop - in the Long term it destroys you. Right now you're back to bargaining why this is ok. But the fact that 'no overnights' means you'd end it shows me that you can only exist in an affair as much as it feels like a normally relationshi so you can have a level of denial that you're boyfriend isn't really your boyfriend - that he's a married mad committed to some else who only makes space in his life for you as far as it's convenient for him. When it's not convenient you're discarded.

 

I think you should go back and read all the advice you got last time, because i think you're just stuck. But hey, prove me wrong.

[jen1447]

If you can parcel the cheating out of the equation for a moment, as a poly person I don't necessarily see doom and gloom with having only a part of a person, or 'sharing' them so to speak. A lot of times our lives are busy enough that we wouldn't get much more than that anyway.

 

As far as the cheating goes, I tend to look at is as two consenting adults doing what they want to do. You can discourage it all you want, but in the end the players have autonomy and they decide for themselves. No one's incompetent or not age of majority etc. in these games. In my book, if you're a friend who makes bad decisions, you're still a friend and as such I've got your back.

[Sassy Girl]

If you can parcel the cheating out of the equation for a moment, as a poly person I don't necessarily see doom and gloom with having only a part of a person, or 'sharing' them so to speak. A lot of times our lives are busy enough that we wouldn't get much more than that anyway.

 

As far as the cheating goes, I tend to look at is as two consenting adults doing what they want to do. You can discourage it all you want, but in the end the players have autonomy and they decide for themselves. No one's incompetent or not age of majority etc. in these games. In my book, if you're a friend who makes bad decisions, you're still a friend and as such I've got your back.

 

Well that's all fine and dandy, but she clearly wasn't happy with the situation in her last thread. That's why she ended it.

[Miss Clavel]

The meditation retreat is booked and we are confirmed.

 

Yesterday, he asked me for a huge favor (his words.) He has a last-minute business trip to Chicago on Monday. His ex-wife can't take their kids and he couldn't get a nanny booked on such short notice. He wonders if I can have them at my place Monday night and into Tuesday evening. This would mean care, feeding, sleepover, school transport, etc. He knows it's a big ask, and would understand completely if I said I couldn't.

 

I think I can swing it, and will agree to help. Being a single parent myself, I know how it can feel to be without resources, and at minimum I'd like to have that kind of friendship with him where we can help each other out. Neither of us have family in the area, which makes for a lean support system. I'm not hoping for the at minimum, though. I'm hoping that this demonstration of trust is another step toward something more developing.

 

right before i read this i was about to poast and ask, where is he when you have his kids for a sleepover? what is he doing when he doesn't have the kids and he is not with you?

 

it seems to me that he has someone else.

[Popsicle]

How often did you keep in touch with MM while you were not seeing him?

[RoseVille]

If you can parcel the cheating out of the equation for a moment, as a poly person I don't necessarily see doom and gloom with having only a part of a person, or 'sharing' them so to speak. A lot of times our lives are busy enough that we wouldn't get much more than that anyway.

 

As far as the cheating goes, I tend to look at is as two consenting adults doing what they want to do. You can discourage it all you want, but in the end the players have autonomy and they decide for themselves. No one's incompetent or not age of majority etc. in these games. In my book, if you're a friend who makes bad decisions, you're still a friend and as such I've got your back.

 

Well... :love:

[Grapesofwrath]

right before i read this i was about to poast and ask, where is he when you have his kids for a sleepover? what is he doing when he doesn't have the kids and he is not with you?

 

it seems to me that he has someone else.

 

When his son is staying with me, he is at home with his daughter. The one night that I had both of them with me, he was out of town on business. It has definitely crossed my mind that he has someone else. Wouldn't surprise me.