Stressed boyfriend unsure if he wants to be with me

[Elif]

Back story:

He was my co-worker who asked me out about 2 months before I was going to study abroad for a year. I had always found him attractive so I just thought it would be a nice... thing before I leave. We ended up spending every day together for the next 2 months. About 2-3 weeks into it he asked if I wanted to be serious with him and even if he is unsure about long-distance maybe we can make it work. Around this time he also said he had fallen in love with me.

 

Im studying quite far away (Im in Asia, he is in Europe) but he managed to come to visit me during Christmas/NY.

 

The problem:

We have had some communication problems before, because we have different ideas how to communicate and Im a bit hasty I suppose. The main problem the past half a year has been that I need more attention that he gives me.

 

He worked full time (now a little less) and also started school the same time I left. He isnt happy with either right now, and from stress his health has not been that good either. Basically he feels like nothing in his life is right at the moment. And now he has also discovered that he is not sure if all of this long distance is really worth it because we are very different people. He said I am fantastic the way I am and he just needs some time and space to figure it if he wants me. He says there isnt enough "harmony" in our relationship and he is sick of long distance on top of it. He asked me to give him some space and time to deal with his problems and think. He is expecting me to "remain positive" and act as if this is not happening.

 

 

My feelings:

Im feeling heartbroken. Ive read before how you should never wait around for someone to make their mind up about you... from my previous experience it seems to be true... that nothing good can come of this. That Im just put on this waiting line and all Im really waiting for is a disaster. Just last week or so we pretty much concluded we would be moving in together when I go back and now Im just so heartbroken. Even if he decides he wants to continue.. how am I going to feel safe again and can I trust him again?

 

Does what he asked make any sense at all? And should I pretend everything is OK until he feels better about his life and makes up his mind about me?

[Satu]

Its already over.

 

Go no contact and shed your tears.

 

Then move on to something, someone, better.

[madjac74]

Yes I agree. This is done. Move on to something else

[acrosstheuniverse]

It's over, sorry. I was with a guy five months and fell in love with him when he suddenly started acting distant and pulled the whole 'I'm so busy and stressed I don't know if I want this anymore let's have some space' thing. All I heard from 'I don't know if I want this' was 'I am not sure I want you' and I deserve better than a relationship with someone who doesn't know whole heartedly that he's into me and wants me in his life.

 

The right partner helps to alleviate stress and provides a welcome relief and joy in comparison to a busy and hectic life. Sadly, this is the cowards way of ending it, aka making YOU end it while he plays the non committal 'I don't know if I can give you what you need' card. If you have any self respect you'll tell him you want a partner who knows how lucky they are to have you, and you'll walk away. He doesn't even have the respect to dump you.

 

I was heartbroken too, I went no contact and told him if he changed his mind or felt he'd make a mistake he should get in touch but that I couldn't guarantee how I'd feel by then cos I was moving on. He didn't get in touch and I did move on and within weeks I realised it had been a lucky escape early in the relationship to get away from someone who didn't love me enough for the long haul and would bail when life got tough. A few months later I met a guy more intelligent, driven, attractive and funny who was so sure about me that when I mentioned I may have to move away to find work six months into the relationship, without a second thought he said he was coming with me, left his friends and job behind to get a flat in another city together, found a new job and basically put a lot of effort into making sure he wouldn't be without the girl he had found and fallen for, as in his words he knew how lucky he had gotten finding me and wasn't letting me go. We've only been togetner 15 months now but I have never had such an awesome relationship or felt so loved and cherished and even if this didn't work out, I now know that there are guys out there who'll move heaven and earth to be by your side: stay single and hold out for one of those, don't cling on with little dignity to a guy who basically isn't bothered if you're there or not.

[justwhoiam]

Hi Elif,

 

Welcome to the LD LDR forum.

 

We have had some communication problems before, because we have different ideas how to communicate

That should have been tackled BEFORE you left.

 

The main problem the past half a year has been that I need more attention that he gives me.

But how much do you love him? Can you move mountains for him? Because if you really were head-over-heels in love with him, you'd get on the first plane and go there to be with him and solve any problem.

 

He worked full time (now a little less) and also started school the same time I left. He isnt happy with either right now, and from stress his health has not been that good either. Basically he feels like nothing in his life is right at the moment.

That can happen. He's going through some hard times. And the fact that you're away makes it harder. All is doom and gloom for him right now. Are you supporting him? I guess not because supporting him would mean being positive, and now you're just heartbroken. At times, in a relationship, you need to have strength for both, and if the relationship is good, there'll be times when he'll be strong for the both of you, when you'll be feeling low. That's how it works. If everything crumbles at the first difficulty, then it was not love, or not meant to be.

 

People can say things when they feel really low, things that hurt, but not necessarily true. So he might be having second thoughts about you, or maybe he doesn't know either. A LDR can bring up the worst in us: frustration, dissatisfaction, negativity, loneliness, nagging, etc. He got to know a side of you that he didn't know. And that started the second thoughts. He might feel he's unable to make you happy, and no man wants to be in a relationship knowing that the other person is unhappy. If he's generally a good and loving boyfriend, just not good at dealing with the long distance, don't torment him. I'm not sure what your feelings for him are right now. If I were you and I loved him a lot, I wouldn't think twice and take the first flight to see him, and try to fix everything.

 

Ive read before how you should never wait around for someone to make their mind up about you

Well, I guess in your case it won't help. Will he feel like six months ago when you're together? Or his feelings are just very mild and he's not in love? You'd know that just by being with him in person. Also, did you show your true colors while being away, or did you see sides of you you had never seen before? Because if it's the latter, it was just your way to cope with huge stress levels. And you can work on that and control it. Or do you really need lots of attention all the time, and you're what a man would define as a "high-maintenance" woman?

 

how am I going to feel safe again and can I trust him again?

You need to look into his eyes and let him say what he feels in front of you. I guess you'd know if he's lying or being uncertain.

 

And should I pretend everything is OK until he feels better about his life and makes up his mind about me?

No. Were you sweet with him? I guess he wants his sweet girl back. But if he wants time on his own no matter what, then tell him you'll consider that as him breaking up with you and then just go no contact.

[Elif]

An update just in case anyone is curious or is going through something similar.

 

 

Its been a little over a week. We never stopped talking, we continued doing the things we did before. Im giving him space as in.. not whining, trying not to argue, get jealous over stupid things etc. I let him contact me on his own time, which he is still doing every day. Yesterday when I was out he send me a message that he misses me and Im very dear and important to him.

 

Id rate it as so far, so good.

 

Ive been away for 8 months. I last saw him 5 months ago and Ill be returning home in 3,5 months. Im pretty sure that the problems we have been having will be gone with the distance.

 

Just randomly going no contact and considering things as over, as suggested by several, would have been an overreaction. ( also, I just do not have the money to go over to him any time I want, I also cant just quit my studies because Im doing research I got a scholarship for and it would be irresponsible to leave that. )

[preraph]

He went back to school. School = college girls every direction he turns. Out of sight, out of mind, especially for men, most of whom are highly visual. You are wanting maintenance that will only get tedious long distance. Let it go for now. If it's strong, at some point in the future you'll find each other.

[Elif]

He went back to school. School = college girls every direction he turns. Out of sight, out of mind, especially for men, most of whom are highly visual. You are wanting maintenance that will only get tedious long distance. Let it go for now. If it's strong, at some point in the future you'll find each other.

 

Read the update. Also the last sentence is stupid. In my opinion once you let go its done. You cant be with someone who bails when things get hard and then expect to return later. You cant trust someone like that. Also it implies that there is somesort of " destiny" involved. Thankfully he doesnt think like you either.

[d0nnivain]

Since he's been reaching out again, is it possible the you created the problems by being needy & smothering him?

 

You have backed off & he's come forward.

 

LDRs do require balance & trust. It's impossible to maintain one if you are constantly insecure.

[Els]

Read the update. Also the last sentence is stupid. In my opinion once you let go its done. You cant be with someone who bails when things get hard and then expect to return later.

 

I agree with this. Do not hold out for someone if they are uncertain about wanting to be with you - you deserve better than that.

 

That being said, do make sure you are taking your own (good) advice. If he still isn't sure he wants to be with you, don't put your hopes and heart in the relationship. He can't just stand there with one foot in and the other foot out and expect you to still be waiting for him several months from now.

 

As for your original question - well, I agree that working full-time while going to school would really suck, and make a relationship difficult. Stress can be a huge, huge problem - but on the other hand you aren't obligated to put up with the ill effects of it either. Do you think he is putting in reasonable effort in view of his current workload?

Edited May 17, 2015 by Elswyth

[Elif]

Since he's been reaching out again, is it possible the you created the problems by being needy & smothering him?

 

You have backed off & he's come forward.

 

LDRs do require balance & trust. It's impossible to maintain one if you are constantly insecure.

 

Yes it is possible that I created extra pressure for him with being needy. I know sometimes I acted foolishly and felt ashamed later. Its just in the beginning when I just left he wanted to Skype all the time. So far I think our Skype record is 10 hours. Its not that we talked thorugh all of it but we had cams open. After visiting me I felt that the attention I had gotten before started to disappear. It made me angry and I started being more pushy and whiny. At times I felt him trying and then when I felt like he didnt I might have gotten emotional and lashed out. I did feel myself that if I cant get the attention I did before I wont make this LDR, and me not being happy put more pressure on him.

 

Ive been thinking a lot about what he said to me and re-reading it, trying to be calm, not react so emotionally and kind of.. "be his rock in his difficult times" by not demanding much and giving him the space and trust he needs.

 

I have been in a LDR before.. which lasted 2 years and I dont think it was that difficult then. (We didnt bear up because of distance)

 

I agree with this. Do not hold out for someone if they are uncertain about wanting to be with you - you deserve better than that.

 

That being said, do make sure you are taking your own (good) advice. If he still isn't sure he wants to be with you, don't put your hopes and heart in the relationship. He can't just stand there with one foot in and the other foot out and expect you to still be waiting for him several months from now.

 

As for your original question - well, I agree that working full-time while going to school would really suck, and make a relationship difficult. Stress can be a huge, huge problem - but on the other hand you aren't obligated to put up with the ill effects of it either. Do you think he is putting in reasonable effort in view of his current workload?

 

 

After his last relationship and decision to go get a degree he moved in with his family. His parents still have 3 kids aged 11 to 16 living with them (one of whom is handicapped) so when the parents are away he is taking care of them. So he has like no real personal space or social life either at the moment. So that along with work and school must be quite difficult.

 

I dont really like people a lot, or understand them or really click with them, never really have, and in general I dont seem to develop feelings very easily.. or I dont really feel a lot of attraction, when I do though, my feelings are pretty consistent. That is one of the reasons I would not like to give up too easily, and before I make any big changes I would like to be 100% sure that things are not working out. Basically I think that unless there is some sort of abuse, cheating or just loss of feelings involved, you should stick by the person you love. I mean.. isnt that what love is?

[Els]

 

 

After his last relationship and decision to go get a degree he moved in with his family. His parents still have 3 kids aged 11 to 16 living with them (one of whom is handicapped) so when the parents are away he is taking care of them. So he has like no real personal space or social life either at the moment. So that along with work and school must be quite difficult.

 

I dont really like people a lot, or understand them or really click with them, never really have, and in general I dont seem to develop feelings very easily.. or I dont really feel a lot of attraction, when I do though, my feelings are pretty consistent. That is one of the reasons I would not like to give up too easily, and before I make any big changes I would like to be 100% sure that things are not working out. Basically I think that unless there is some sort of abuse, cheating or just loss of feelings involved, you should stick by the person you love. I mean.. isnt that what love is?

 

 

It is, but I don't think you should waste your love on someone who doesn't seem to love you in return. Is HE willing to stick by YOU through the distance, or does he want to give up? How has he demonstrated his love for you?