Just Venting After Affair

[TeddyPSmith]

My wife told me in September of last year that she wanted a divorce. I tried "The Love Dare" to which she said she felt nothing. Months went by and still no sign of divorce. In January she said she wanted a divorce again. I bought and read three different books about saving a marriage. In March she made an appointment with a lawyer. I accepted my fate because she was very serious about it. In April I found a picture of her kissing a coworker. Through intense interrogation (no I did not waterboard her) and phone bill/bank statement scrutiny, I determined that she was involved in an emotional affair that led to a full blown affair starting in July of last year. We have a 2.5 y/o daughter that is my world. I showed her a picture of the guy and she said his name and "we get ice cream and see the duckies". The wife took her to work where they all three hung out. One day they went to the pond outside the office to look at the ducks. Another day she and my daughter picked up ice cream and brought it to him. I feel like they've probably done more together as "a family" than I'm being told. After all, she was capable of living a secret life for 9 months. My biggest concern is her introducing this person into my daughter's life. She says she won't do it for a while but why should I believe anything she says? She justifies their previous outings on the basis of my daughter not knowing the involvement of their relationship. I feel like Im going crazy here! Am I wrong for thinking she's a complete psychopath for bringing my daughter around him? Is she lying about the amount of time the three of them have spent together? My daughter quickly recognized his picture yet couldn't name her other coworkers when shown their pictures.

 

I hate this woman with all of my heart and soul. 11 years down the drain. A new family destroyed. I feel like she will do nothing but let me down for the rest of my life.

 

Thanks for listening!

[jen1447]

There's actually a plausible explanation for bringing your daughter around him, but I don't think your prepared to hear it right now due to your (justified) anger. But no, not a psycopath.

[Tayla]

So she admitted to stepping outside the marriage?

As a first time poster I will reserve my advisal and simply say, get your ducks in a row now that she had her duckie day.

[TeddyPSmith]

Jenn I am probably not ready but I think I know why. She wanted to see the how well they got along before deciding to pursue the relationship. Is that what you mean? She swears that they didn't act as a couple in front of my daughter or do anything to confuse her. I just can't believe anything she says anymore.

 

This really is the oddest and most unexpected thing. She is normally very responsible, polite, and honest. NOBODY could believe that she did this. It's really caused me to question the reality of my entire world.

 

Yes, she admitted it. She had no choice once I saw the picture. She did try and play stupid as to how long its been going on. It wasn't until i showed her phone records and bank transactions that she slowly admitted to more.

[No Limit]

Chances are that skank will tell your daughter that you cheated and left them so she'll be easier around her new guy. Sorry this happened to you.

 

... Have you ever thought of DNA testing your daughter?

[TeddyPSmith]

I appreciate you calling her a skank. It's probably the most polite thing she's been called recently.

 

As for DNA testing my daughter, she was the product of in vitro fertilization. My wife was practically infertile so we spent about $20K on this procedure. I did my thing in a cup. They extracted her eggs. Fertilized them. Put them back in. One took and it was the biggest blessing in my life.

 

I regret ever marrying that whore but I am so thankful to have my precious daughter. It's unfortunate that I will see a resemblance of my wife whenever i look at my daughter.

[velvette]

Consult your attorney about what you can include in your agreement regarding your daughter being introduced to this person and/or especially this person not spending the night in the house when your daughter is there.

 

 

While I understand your feelings and they are normal for the stage you are at, you are going to have to accept that you will not be able to control who your wife is involved with in the future if you divorce.

 

 

If you find yourself stuck in those feelings, perhaps time to see a therapist.

 

 

Your daughter needs you to be a whole/healthy person. Nursing hatred will not get you there.

[velvette]

I appreciate you calling her a skank. It's probably the most polite thing she's been called recently.

 

As for DNA testing my daughter, she was the product of in vitro fertilization. My wife was practically infertile so we spent about $20K on this procedure. I did my thing in a cup. They extracted her eggs. Fertilized them. Put them back in. One took and it was the biggest blessing in my life.

 

I regret ever marrying that whore but I am so thankful to have my precious daughter. It's unfortunate that I will see a resemblance of my wife whenever i look at my daughter.

 

 

The bolded is normal for you to feel right now. But, you really need to take hold of this and here is why.

 

 

Just as you can see a resemblance to your wife in your daughter.........even more will she always see herself as the child of both of you.

 

 

When you disparage your wife, you are disparaging the part of your child that came from her. If she ever hears you say things like the bolded or senses it, she will take it on board as possibly applying to her as well.

 

 

Your daughter is too young to understand exactly what is going on right now. But, never underestimate a childs ability to sense that things are very wrong.

 

 

As hard as it is, you need to take the high road for your daughter's sake.

[TeddyPSmith]

That's great advice. I am able to put on a happy face when we are all around each other. I don't speak badly of her in front of my daughter. But there is always room for improvement. I think a therapist is in order. As I said, the future ex will always disappoint me. She will always date sooner, introduce sooner, and make decisions that benefit mostly herself. I will need to learn to let go of this and control what I can control. Namely the "morality clause" you mentioned to add to the divorce petition. Thanks again for your insight.

[aliveagain]

Lawyer up, implement the 180, change your banking, expose both of them. You can't control her and you can't stop her from being with him which means your daughter will be part of their new life. Just because she dates sooner or for that matter more, it doesn't mean she will be happier. The best revenge you can have is being happy and living an amazing life in spite of her. Show her what real happiness looks like.

[velvette]

That's great advice. I am able to put on a happy face when we are all around each other. I don't speak badly of her in front of my daughter. But there is always room for improvement. I think a therapist is in order. As I said, the future ex will always disappoint me. She will always date sooner, introduce sooner, and make decisions that benefit mostly herself. I will need to learn to let go of this and control what I can control. Namely the "morality clause" you mentioned to add to the divorce petition. Thanks again for your insight.

 

You're welcome. It almost goes without saying that someone who cheats their way out of a marriage has issues that mean they will be a pain to deal with in the future. A therapist can help you learn ways to deal with that and minimize the impact on you and also your daughter.

 

 

And, for you and anyone who experiences it, betrayal is a trauma. I think its wise to get some help dealing with it.

 

 

Good luck. I hope you find some peace soon. I think you will by doing proactive things to help yourself.

[TeddyPSmith]

Aliveagain - you bring up an interesting point...exposing both of them. I've struggled with this because I would love nothing more than for the bright, harsh light of truth to shine on them both. I've told most of MY friends and family. She told a very modified and sympathetic version to a few of her friends. But I'd like for her family to know. I'd like the rest of their coworkers to know. Her more judgmental friends, etc. But I think I should take the high road and not be seen as the scorned lover that has no control of his emotions. I've considered telling a few key people that would spread the word.

 

What is the commonly accepted way to handle this?

[velvette]

Aliveagain - you bring up an interesting point...exposing both of them. I've struggled with this because I would love nothing more than for the bright, harsh light of truth to shine on them both. I've told most of MY friends and family. She told a very modified and sympathetic version to a few of her friends. But I'd like for her family to know. I'd like the rest of their coworkers to know. Her more judgmental friends, etc. But I think I should take the high road and not be seen as the scorned lover that has no control of his emotions. I've considered telling a few key people that would spread the word.

 

What is the commonly accepted way to handle this?

 

 

I think it depends on what you expect to accomplish.

 

 

In an ongoing affair, nuclear exposure where everyone you know is told can end an affair.

 

 

Where one or both of you have decided to divorce, I think it pays to be more selective.

 

 

In either case, I would expose to the affair partners spouse if there is one, because they deserve to know and if they knew and you didn't you would want them to tell you.

 

 

Your inlaws I would expose because they are your childs grandparents and in exposing I would also enlist their help in protecting your daughter their grandchild. Keeping in mind they will love their daughter no matter how wrong she is and choosing your words carefully, especially if you want to maintain any kind of R with them for your daughters sake.

 

 

Otherwise, her friends.....maybe tell any who you think can be a positive influence on her with regard to your daughter. But, not just for the sake of revenge or humiliating her.

 

 

Your friends/family, I would tell whomever you think can provide you with support. You are under no obligation to protect her from the consequences of her actions.

[Mr. Lucky]

Aliveagain - you bring up an interesting point...exposing both of them. I've struggled with this because I would love nothing more than for the bright, harsh light of truth to shine on them both. I've told most of MY friends and family. She told a very modified and sympathetic version to a few of her friends. But I'd like for her family to know. I'd like the rest of their coworkers to know. Her more judgmental friends, etc. But I think I should take the high road and not be seen as the scorned lover that has no control of his emotions. I've considered telling a few key people that would spread the word.

 

What is the commonly accepted way to handle this?

 

Do you know if her AP is married? If so, I'd tell his spouse, it's the right thing to do.

 

IMHO, anyone else is a waste of time and energy. Your focus needs to be on the logistics of moving forward and creating a life for yourself and your daughter. Residence, legal representation, custody, finances and separation/divorce will all be on your plate and need to be addressed.

 

That's where your head should be, not worrying about telling your side of the marital story. Most people's minds already made up anyway.

 

Also TPS, there's a better than 50% chance your wife will come to her senses and approach you about reconsidering the split. Be prepared...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jen1447]

Jenn I am probably not ready but I think I know why. She wanted to see the how well they got along before deciding to pursue the relationship. Is that what you mean?

No, but that could be a possibility too.

 

My take is simply that people like to share the things they love with ppl they care about. I'm sure that doesn't make you feel warm and fuzzy inside, sorry, but it speaks to some measure of love and humanity on her part (misdirected or inappropriate as it may be), not psychopathy.

[TeddyPSmith]

Mr Lucky - luckily for me, the soon to be ex was the one who initiated the divorce, set up all appointments with mediating attorney, and did the leg work on custody. We are fortunate that we both make the same salary (no alimony) and both have the same desire for custody (50/50). She was very easy to work with as far as that goes...bc she probably was eaten alive with guilt. I had no idea of the affair when we were writing our divorce petition. So I'm lucky as far as that goes. I think I'll resist the temptation to tell people. I won't keep it a secret. If someone probes, I'll gladly tell them why. I just won't turn into a megaphone.

 

Jen - you're absolutely right about that. She's made the comment "I share our daughter with everyone bc I love her so much". I think what separates her from most people is that the daughter should be considered sacred when an affair partner is involved. It has extra special meaning and consequence when she's sharing her with this person. I couldn't imagine doing that. It's like id be robbing my daughter's innocence. Maybe it's just me.

 

Thanks for your responses.

[KBarletta]

Mr Lucky - luckily for me, the soon to be ex was the one who initiated the divorce, set up all appointments with mediating attorney, and did the leg work on custody. We are fortunate that we both make the same salary (no alimony) and both have the same desire for custody (50/50). She was very easy to work with as far as that goes...bc she probably was eaten alive with guilt. I had no idea of the affair when we were writing our divorce petition. So I'm lucky as far as that goes. I think I'll resist the temptation to tell people. I won't keep it a secret. If someone probes, I'll gladly tell them why. I just won't turn into a megaphone.

 

Jen - you're absolutely right about that. She's made the comment "I share our daughter with everyone bc I love her so much". I think what separates her from most people is that the daughter should be considered sacred when an affair partner is involved. It has extra special meaning and consequence when she's sharing her with this person. I couldn't imagine doing that. It's like id be robbing my daughter's innocence. Maybe it's just me.

 

Thanks for your responses.

 

Personally, I think it's wrong of your wife to introduce your daughter to a new man while she's still married to you. That's a personal opinion, of course, and others probably would disagree. That said, there's not much you can do to change it at this point. But I think you're correct to be upset about it. That said, given how quickly your wife has done this, I would talk to your attorney and seek language in any co-parenting agreement that ensures that you are the only one that is to be referred to as "dad" or whatever moniker you use - that can be made a part of those documents and can be very important for a child that age when custody is 50-50.

 

I wish you luck - this sucks, but you seem to be putting your child first, and focusing on rebuilding your life, which is exactly where your focus should be at this point. Good luck.

[Tayla]

speak not ill if at all. defamation of character is not a case you want to be caught in. Speaking ill of her to family or others may not be wise. What does your lawyer advise on that ? Peace to your daughter, she doesnt deserve parents who criticize a behavior by labeling the person. Again you are new here so I welcome you to read up on this from other posts... its common topic on this forum.