Question for betrayed....do they bring the OP up a lot?

[StillHurtin]

If you are working on your relationship w/ the person that betrayed you do they sometimes, out of the blue, bring the OP up still? 2nite H asked me "Guess who showed up at work to visit me 2day?" I asked him who and he said "Her." I said "Who's her?" and he said "You know, HER." My stomach sank, he looked so serious! I asked him WTF she would come in and see him (we live 100 miles from her). He finally told me it wasn't, it was his best friend from back where we use to live (where the OW lives) he was passing through town. WTF? Why does he pull smart a$$ remarks like that? Several months ago out of the blue he told me that he was disgusted w/ the OW b/c she told him to f#ck her in the a$$ when they were having sex! I guess she yelled out "F#ck me in the a$$!!!" when they were going at it. And now he wants anal sex once a month b/c I am out of service. I know I have asked him in the past what they did (maybe I shouldn't have but I wanted to know) and he told me she had said that (that was shortly after we got back 2gether. Then several months later he thinks about it again??? I don't know why he brings her name up out of the blue. If he still has feelings for her I want him to get the HE!! out of my house! I still love him very much but I am not going through the rest of my life having him bring her up. If she is on his mind don't ya think there must be a little something there? Once in awhile something will remind me of an ex but I don't mention it to H. I don't know, maybe he is just being overly truthful w/ his thoughts. I could ask him to stop bringing her up, but then again if he never does how will I know if he is thinking about her? And if he is, do I want to know? In away I do, in away I don't. It just confuses me what is going on in his head.

[Merin]

That was just a sh*tty thing to do...

 

I don't have much else to add here.. I would tell him that you didn't think it was clever or funny for him to tell you that crap (that the OW had come to see him)

 

AND I really think if I was in your situation and my Dude had told me he was disgusted when his OW told him to hit it in the a** THEN insisted on having it with me once a month I would've told him that you're disgusted that he told you about that detail between him and her (for real he needs to have some class) and I would've yelled out during sex with him "Let me stick my foot in YOUR a**!"

 

The rude a**!!!!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

If she is on his mind don't ya think there must be a little something there?

 

Not necessarily. It sounds from your post like its been relatively recent since it happened - and when someone is involved with another person the feelings/emotions/memories don't just disappear - regardless of whether they are negative or positive. I don't know if its him 'thinking about her' in the way that you think. It could be more like working that infection out of his system. Better out than in.

 

Its when he's hiding these things from you that you want to worry about. It doesn't make your pain any easier - but if he's talking to you about it openly like that, there's less of a chance that he's still doing her, because your knowledge of it no longer is a threat since he no longer has anything going with her. If he were protecting his feelings for her, he wouldn't share them with someone he perceived as a threat to those feelings. He tells you these things likely to see your reaction to them - maybe a way of inciting anger he feels he deserves? A misguided anger toward you?

 

Think of this affair as a cancer. You don't recover from cancer by ignoring it or hoping it will go away. Nor does cancer just disappear if you cut out the affected part. It spreads, and you have to continue treatment even after you cut away the affected parts. You take it head on, pain and all - through painful treatments and recovery and then hope for remission afterward. What you are going through now could be said to be like chemo - painful, but working toward recovery.

 

Have you and he gone through any kind of counseling to help you both deal with this anger?

 

And now he wants anal sex once a month b/c I am out of service.

 

What is this about? Are you unable to have regular vaginal or oral sex? Maybe he thinks that anal is the only other way for him to have sex with you? I'm not entirely certain that he only wants this from you just because he got it that way from the other woman. I'd be highly concerned if you were able to have sex with him and he decided that he didn't want it any other way but anal. What is the story on this?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

I asked him who and he said "Her." I said "Who's her?" and he said "You know, HER." My stomach sank, he looked so serious! I asked him WTF she would come in and see him (we live 100 miles from her). He finally told me it wasn't, it was his best friend from back where we use to live....

 

WTF?!!! He tells you that he saw her, and then AFTER you get upset....he recants?

 

That's messed up. Either he told you the truth, and he did see her....then guaged your reaction and back-peddled. Or, he's engaged in some kind of passive/aggressive behavior designed to get a negative reaction from you. (That's not the same thing at all as the sharing of random thoughts.)

 

Whatever the case....he's NOT holding up his end of the reconciliation. You are still not where you need to be in the process.

 

I agree with Lucrezia...if you're not in MC, it's time to get there. And if you are in MC, it may be time for a change in your treatment plan.

 

p.s. You should NOT be participating in sexual practices which make you uncomfortable. The risk of built-up resentment on your part outweigh the benefits of momentary sexual gratification for him.

[Pocky]

It's so nice having LB around the boards. I get to type less, but the person still gets the comments I'd like to make. I agree with the statement below.

 

 

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Not necessarily. It sounds from your post like its been relatively recent since it happened - and when someone is involved with another person the feelings/emotions/memories don't just disappear - regardless of whether they are negative or positive. I don't know if its him 'thinking about her' in the way that you think. It could be more like working that infection out of his system. Better out than in.

 

Its when he's hiding these things from you that you want to worry about. It doesn't make your pain any easier - but if he's talking to you about it openly like that, there's less of a chance that he's still doing her, because your knowledge of it no longer is a threat since he no longer has anything going with her. If he were protecting his feelings for her, he wouldn't share them with someone he perceived as a threat to those feelings. He tells you these things likely to see your reaction to them - maybe a way of inciting anger he feels he deserves? A misguided anger toward you?

 

Think of this affair as a cancer. You don't recover from cancer by ignoring it or hoping it will go away. Nor does cancer just disappear if you cut out the affected part. It spreads, and you have to continue treatment even after you cut away the affected parts. You take it head on, pain and all - through painful treatments and recovery and then hope for remission afterward. What you are going through now could be said to be like chemo - painful, but working toward recovery.

 

[only1life]

9 months ago, W confessed everything, and she and I began our "recovery" and we're still together. One of the main reasons we have been able to stay together is that we both pretty much discuss everything on our minds, and we work to be understanding of each others' feelings. And part of that is that I have to understand that she really loved this guy, and I know that means that she does still think about him sometimes. Can't help it, I'm sure, they got to be really close friends. No, I don't like it, not at all, but I have to accept it. And sometimes she does talk about him, and the feelings that were there and partly still are. But I also believe that she has had no contact with him, regardless of feelings, since we decided to try and rebuild the great marriage we once had. And that is her way of understanding my feelings. Which continues to give me hope!

 

Regarding doing sex acts that you don't like - hey, it's your body, and NO ONE has the right to make you do ANY thing that you are not comfortable with. No debating this one! And if he keeps bringing it up, then let him know that it disgusts you, and makes you want to not do anything romantic with him at all.

[StillHurtin]

Have you and he gone through any kind of counseling to help you both deal with this anger?

 

 

quote:And now he wants anal sex once a month b/c I am out of service.

 

 

 

What is this about? Are you unable to have regular vaginal or oral sex? Maybe he thinks that anal is the only other way for him to have sex with you? I'm not entirely certain that he only wants this from you just because he got it that way from the other woman. I'd be highly concerned if you were able to have sex with him and he decided that he didn't want it any other way but anal. What is the story on this?

 

 

LB, we have both went to counseling. I was going shortly after I moved away (back to my hometown where all my family is) and he started counseling where he was living (where we lived since we met for almost 13 years, and where the OW lives). Anyhow, we didn't seek couple counseling at the time b/c we lived almost a 100 miles apart. He talked to his counselor a lot about his anger issues. B4 the A even took place (a few months b4) I told H I was tired of his anger issues and he either quits drinking, and gets help w/ his anger or me and the kids were leaving. He did both. Our doctor perscribed him an anti-depressant which really worked but he quit taking them shortly afterwards and said he didn't need them. Then he started the EA w/ the OW which led into a physical A.

 

Anyhow, about the anal, I am able to have vaginal and oral sex but when I'm having my time of the month he wants anal b/c he doesn't want to have vaginal sex when I am menustrating. I give him oral, but he never has an orgasim when I do this. I don't know why, he says I am good and he can't understand why he can't orgasim when I do oral. I can only do it for several minutes and then my jaw starts hurting, lol. Of course I was concerned about it b/c he is the only man I have been w/ that wont/can't ejaculate during oral so I asked him if the OW made him, and I told him I wanted him to be honest. He said she couldn't either and she did it for about a half an hour and also asked him what she was doing wrong and he told her nothing, it was just him. Maybe H doesn't like ejaculating w/ oral and tries not to, I don't know. When we have vaginal or anal sex (anal sex is not very often) he can ejaculate several minutes later. B4 the OW it was very rare he wanted anal, and I always told him no but a couple of times. It just seems like now he wants it that way more than he did b4.

 

 

Regarding doing sex acts that you don't like - hey, it's your body, and NO ONE has the right to make you do ANY thing that you are not comfortable with. No debating this one! And if he keeps bringing it up, then let him know that it disgusts you, and makes you want to not do anything romantic with him at all.

 

only1life, first I want to say I am sorry that you have to deal w/ an unfaithful spouse yourself. It seems you are doing well w/ your recovery. I hope it continues to get easier. As for your reply about the anal sex, I never use to want to do it, it was very rare that we did. I want to please him, b/c he pleases me but if I am not in the mood for anal, I wont do it. I have told him I am not in the mood for that and he will just have to wait. It's not like I don't hate it, I am a very willing participate when it comes to different things in bed w/ him but at times, I am not comfortable w/ it and I wont do it.

[only1life]

StillH' thanks for your concern. It has been very hard, for me, but also for her. She says, and I believe, that she regrets what happened. Most of her affair happened while she was away on a 3 week "conference" overseas last sumer and it wasn't until she was back about a month before she confessed. During that month, I could tell something was wrong, but really would never have guessed (I had the highest respect and trust in her) if I didn't accidentally come across an email she had written. Then I confronted her, and she told everything. But during that month, she was a whole different person, including trying new kinds of sex. Some things which we really enjoy now, but prior, she was totally unwilling to even try (and I can't enjoy something which results from pushing her into something she doesn't want). And once she confessed, and then made up her mind to end it completely with the OM, she seemed very relieved, and as far as sex, she's been even more open to new stuff. Well, I guess that's the one good thing that came from all this, altho I don't think it was worth it. No way.

 

I've only asked her a few details about if she did these things with the OM, each time she has said no. I guess as far as sex, they just had intercourse. And when it comes down to it, I really don't want to know. Kind of disgusts me when I think about the first night she was home, and we made love, and now I realize that it was probably less than 12 hours earlier that he was inside her... Grrrr Yeah, some things still bother me.

 

You sound like a very understanding person. I hope your H realizes what a special person he has married and appreciates it! Good luck with the whole situation. In my case, I think that it will be worth all the trouble to try and rebuild our 25 plus years of marriage, and I really hope it works for you guys as well.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by only1life

StillH' thanks for your concern. It has been very hard, for me, but also for her. She says, and I believe, that she regrets what happened. Most of her affair happened while she was away on a 3 week "conference" overseas last sumer and it wasn't until she was back about a month before she confessed. During that month, I could tell something was wrong, but really would never have guessed (I had the highest respect and trust in her) if I didn't accidentally come across an email she had written. Then I confronted her, and she told everything. But during that month, she was a whole different person, including trying new kinds of sex. Some things which we really enjoy now, but prior, she was totally unwilling to even try (and I can't enjoy something which results from pushing her into something she doesn't want). And once she confessed, and then made up her mind to end it completely with the OM, she seemed very relieved, and as far as sex, she's been even more open to new stuff. Well, I guess that's the one good thing that came from all this, altho I don't think it was worth it. No way.

 

I've only asked her a few details about if she did these things with the OM, each time she has said no. I guess as far as sex, they just had intercourse. And when it comes down to it, I really don't want to know. Kind of disgusts me when I think about the first night she was home, and we made love, and now I realize that it was probably less than 12 hours earlier that he was inside her... Grrrr Yeah, some things still bother me.

 

You sound like a very understanding person. I hope your H realizes what a special person he has married and appreciates it! Good luck with the whole situation. In my case, I think that it will be worth all the trouble to try and rebuild our 25 plus years of marriage, and I really hope it works for you guys as well.

 

only1life, I am sorry. When I see a new person to the forum that has dealt w/ being a BS it breaks my heart. Even though I know how hard it was to hear her confession of her infediltiy I am glad that she told you b/c if she hadn't, you would be living a lie. Even though it hurt like he!! hearing the truth from H about his A I felt it was the start to rebuilding our M. If he hadn't finally told me the truth and continued lying it couldn't of worked b/c I couldn't go on living a lie. I was so tired of the lies, that hurt me more than the truth. Even though he denied the A I knew it was going on. I couldn't sleep, eat, always felt sick, and had terrible nightmares about him and the OW having sex like I was right there watching them, hearing her moan and cry out his name. I think once he admitted to everything it made it a lot easier for me to start healing b/c at least he was finally being honest. He told me if he wanted me back he would have to start by being honest w/ me.

 

It seems you are on the right track in recovering your marriage and I wish the best, for the both of you. It sounds like your W realizes she made the biggest mistake in your M and wants to work it out and I hope she is doing her best to prove to you how sorry she is.

 

I never thought that H would have an A our first 10 years into our M. But soon the OW came into the picture (they worked 2gether, he was her supervisor) and how much he talked about her, how he started dressing nicer for work, wearing cologne, taking better care of himself and working early and late hours I started suspecting something. I don't blame myself for the A but I do know that I didn't pay attention to him as much as I should have and he found that in the OW. We didn't have the best of M b/c H was gone a lot either drinking w/ his friends, or playing sports (I am not a sports person, and he knew this b4 he even proposed). I was home every day, and night raising our children while he went out and played, leaving me to raise our children, and taking care of our home. I resented him for not staying home more. He spent a lot of money on beer, and sporting events, fees, ect and of course I nagged at him about it b/c we had bills to pay, children to care for and he just didn't seem to care he was a father, a husband, and a grown man. He wanted the M and the fatherhood but he didn't want the responsiblity of it all. I finally made him quit drinking and stay home more or our children and I were leaving. I was serious this time and he knew it. He quit drinking, and did more w/ us as a family but a few months later, he started an EA that lead into a sexual one (we were separated, I kicked him out of the house b/c he said he wanted a D but shortly afterwards he said he was having second thoughts). He was looking for something he wasn't getting at home. Well, if he would of been a husband, and a father I wouldn't of been such a b!tch and paid more attention to him. I was so exhausted from being a mom, a full time business owner, and a housewife I didn't have the energy to give him. If he would of seen the problems in our M instead of going outside of the M to get what he wanted he wouldn't of had the A. We tried M counseling in the past but he said it wouldn't work. He basically gave up w/o even trying.

As for the sex w/ your W and trying the new stuff, it's too bad she had to sleep w/ the OM to do this w/ you. Sometimes an A can bring good things to a M, odd to say but it's true. However, I would NEVER want to go through an A again no matter how bad my M got. I can't do this again. And if he wants to be so stupid to loose us again then so be it, I wont take him back again and I have told him this and he knows it.

I hope that your W continues to show you how much she loves, respects, and shows you how sorry she was for having an A.

Take care

[sylviaguardian]

Think of this affair as a cancer. You don't recover from cancer by ignoring it or hoping it will go away. Nor does cancer just disappear if you cut out the affected part. It spreads, and you have to continue treatment even after you cut away the affected parts. You take it head on, pain and all - through painful treatments and recovery and then hope for remission afterward. What you are going through now could be said to be like chemo - painful, but working toward recovery.

 

What a great post LB.