boyfriend self-conscious about his manhood-help

[seekingknowledge]

My boyfriend is to me a decent comfortable size. He is unhappy with his manhood and swears he's small and it bothers him. To tell you a few things about us......

1) he is over weight

2) my vaginal muscles were weakened due to illness i once suffered. i am better now but internal muscle are weak, in that department.

i keep telling him he is NOT small (because he isn't) he is average in size (i think)

i feel if he lost weight we would fit better and he refuses to believe this. i love him just the way he is and am not unhappy with his weight. i do fee however it makes him sluggish and we can get into too many different positions, when it comes to making love.

i also feel, if i were tighter he wouldn't feel like he is swimming in me. he would get more satisfaction.

he swears he feels good when making love but does not feel like a real man. he says he feels as if it were like he had a shorter limb or something.

i find this most frustrating because to me it sounds like he is not happy with his love life, because he knows i am happy and he says he feels good, so what is this all about? he says he wants to now see a therapist, on his own to discuss this problem and get past it. i am scared he will end up getting "past me". i am much older than he is and we live far apart. we plan to get together in the future (in the same state). but i am scared his therapist will tell him to leave me. i know most will say its good he goes and sees someone, but i am scared. why is so obsessed with his anatomy?

he has everything going for him...its so depressing. i feel like a loser. i cant comfort him at all. nothing i say to him seems to work. i keep telling him when we are together i will give him all the attention he needs and i have told him i am concerned it might be me that is the problem because i had a baby (many many years ago...remember i am older) and that my muscles are weak. he says it not me. its him. this doesn't sound good to me. has anyone out there been thru something similar. and are there any men out there that can relate to (and will admit to) having been self-conscious like this...............

[Merin]

I think you're getting freaked out when it isn't necessary...

 

To start with you've mentioned several times that you're older than he is.. so I guess in some ways if this is your own insecurity coming out that you're worried he wants to be with someone younger or closer to his own age...

 

Secondly the 2 of you are LD.. and this often will bring couples irrational insecurity as well because you're not right there know what I mean? It's easy sometimes to allow your imagination to run wild regarding what your SO may or may not be doing...

 

It could be that your BF has a low self esteem regarding things about his physical appearance to begin with... you said he is over weight and although this may not be an issue for you, perhaps it is an issue for him...

 

I think most Men from time to time give some thought as to the size of thier Penis... and give some thought to "Am I pleasing my Woman sexually?" I don't think this makes your BF un-normal at all...

 

A therapist isn't going to tell your BF to leave you because your vaginal muscles aren't as tight as they used to be...

 

One word here sister.. KEGELS do them everyday... you CAN get those muscles tighter.

 

Sex in a relationship is great... but it isn't the only thing either...

 

Talk to your BF more here... don't make this about you (that you're not good enough or whatever) because I doubt thats whats on his mind or driving him... it's HIS OWN insecurities.

 

Hang in there

[moimeme]

If the therapist is any good at all, your bf will be told to lose weight. It's not the unit that's the problem, obviously, it's the rest of the body and for his health he needs to wise up.

[amerikajin]

Both of you have some insecurities that you need to work through. I wouldn't worry about what his therapist says. I seriously doubt a qualified therapist would ever tell a person (man or woman) to leave his spouse - that's not how therapists work. A therapist tries to get a person to sort through their own problems so that they, themselves, can make a determination about what's the right path to take in their lives, but therapists don't coach people in that area.

 

What you should worry about is 1) your own insecurities, because your own insecurities are the only insecurities you have control over. Only when you've done that can you work with your boyfriend to help him get to the bottom of his problems.

[HotCaliGirl]

I don't see a reason why the therapist would tell your bf to leave you. I think it is a good thing that he is choosing to see one. The goal is for him to overcome his insecurity about his manhood and possibly his weight - not about you and your age.

 

He loves you enough to be working on his issues, otherwise instead of getting therapy, it would be easier for him to leave you. As difficult as it may be for you, why don't you straight out ask him if your age bothers him and that you want him to give you an honest answer.

 

Maybe you need to hear from him that he is ok with that so that you will not feel so insecure about it and you'll be happier...Try to support him right now and tell him that you are proud that he has decided to seek help for something you think he should not be feeling insecure about...

[seekingknowledge]

Hotcaligirl------- thank you for your reply. : ). I have asked him if the age bothers him. He swears it doesnt. he also says its not my anatomy, its "his," that's the problem. He feels strongly he is not average in size. personally I feel he is. But he weighs close to 300 lbs. i try to tell him delicately, that (for better health) if he lost weight, he would probably benefit by seeing his manhood differently. it may seem larger to him. he doesn't believe that perspective and feels it is in fact his manhood size that is the problem and it wont change. sighs..i dont agree with him on that.

but, yes, today i will tell him i am proud of him for seeking help. Good advise and I will take it. thank you.

 

amerikajin-----I am insecure. we are several years apart and so far away.

odds seem great enough at this point. but he is wonderful and an old soul and very sincere. you are right, i need help with my own insecurities. i just didn't need more to think about. this is adding to that for me. but i want to help him and not make this about me. and i am failing in that department. so i know i have to separate myself from this somehow. thank you for your post reply.

 

moimeme-------Amen!! I agree!! I think its the weight. he would be more agile too. i always let him i am happy in the love making department. i mean i never complain and i am happy : ). but i think youre right. if he lost weigh i think he would feel more powerful. (so to speak)

 

merin------ I did freak out, internally. i tried not to show it on the outside but he saw my self consciousness. this distance is hard. i cant be there everyday right now to help build his confidence sexually. he denies its the weight. so then i start thinking its me. i am not tight. and i think its me and his weight because he doesn't seem small. yes i do need to exersize. i hope its not too late and it can be restored on my part.

 

thanks guys for all the advise. appreciate it.

 

ps i know a therapist wont tell him to leave me, i just keep thinking he will figure that out on his own and say,,,,gee shes far, older, loose (uggg) and get the courage up to leave me. but then again thats not giving him more credit. yes i am insecure . i just keep asking myself why does he think hes so small.

[faux]

If your boyfriend is overweight, losing a lot of that weight could help him feel better about his penis. Fat builds up around the pelvic region, and an overweight guy can lose some of his penis. I went from being very thin, to being rather fat, to being a healthy weight again. During the transition I definitely noticed that there were some differences in the appearance of penis size, at least for me.

 

A therapist shouldn't tell your boyfriend to ditch you because of what you mentioned. A therapist would help your boyfriend to figure out what is best for him, and help him find ways to do what is best. It was mentioned before that there are some exercises which can strengthen the vaginal muscles; you could try that.

[seekingknowledge]

wow faux. thank you so much for your input. going from thin to heavy to normal and you saw changes in perspective, gives me hope for what he may see IF he loses weight. this is exactly what i am talking about. i think if he tried to lose enough weight at least some of the perspective would change. i dont say that he would suddenly feel large, but it might help balance out the way he is thinking right now.

 

tonight we discussed this issue again and he said he was thinking on it more and he doesnt want to make it so important in the grand scheme of things. but he had mentioned this in the past and it keeps coming up. so my thoughts are he doesnt want to make this important, but it is to him.

 

i told him i was proud he was thinking of talking to someone to rid himself of this complex. i wonder of he will actually go through with it and i hope i didnt

dissuade him too much before i found this forum.

 

thank you for your reply.

 

ps i agree with the access fat/skin that covers him causing him to look smaller to himself and obstructing his full pleasure.