Not happy in marriage....

[CarrieT]

If our relationship hasn't changed by August I'm going to move out.

 

Did you give him that timeline or is that your mental cut-off date?

 

Does he know there is a deadline approaching?

[beach]

Yes actually just last night I told him that we need to make changes. If our relationship hasn't changed by August I'm going to move out.

 

August? Why then? You are unhappy now and have been a long time.

 

Nothing is changing because you're not changing it.

 

If you are that unhappy file for divorce now and move right away.

 

Waiting three month just to leave everything the same makes no sense.

[No Limit]

The feeling I have now are the same feelings I had before the affair.

 

Very unlikely. Affairs change the people who are involved in it, whether they admit it or not.

[dreamingoftigers]

To be fair, I'm the one who attached the 12 hours to the golfing thing, not the OP. That was my ex. And I ask the same questions - what is possibly so appealing about it. I'll never get it.

 

Sorry, when I reread I realized that it was you and not OP who posted.

[dreamingoftigers]

I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that there are men like this. You did the lingerie thing and he still rejects you?

 

I'm going to disagree with the poster above and suggest that the sexual dysfunction in the marriage is all (or mostly) on him.

 

Do you ever give him an ultimatum, such that things have to improve because you are so unhappy that if they don't, you will file for divorce? Does he realize the seriousness of the situation?

 

Both autumnight and I had the same BS from our husbands.

 

I have read other threads etc.

 

Some men just don't care and don't care that their wives are suffering for it either.

[starglider]

Hi Jos,

 

We've intersected before on the boards with our similar lives … my heart goes out to you as always.

 

I'm struck by your post in that you seem like you are feeling stuck in life and kind of dead inside: "just sucking it up and living like this."

 

I know I was feeling that way myself during Jan/Feb when my EA had ended and I started thinking about separation. Thoughts of divorce then were kind of naive on my part and I'd think absurd and childish thoughts like "what will I do when no one is here to make omelets for me?" Then I'd worry about dating again, making the same relationship mistakes, $$, lawyers, retirement, loss of our shared family culture we built. Then I got the advice that I should stop worrying about divorce logistics or worrying about both men in my life and just focus on myself, especially on my self-esteem.

 

It was then that I realized my exAP was filling up a sense of deep loneliness inside of myself, a more profound loneliness than even a sexless marriage had created (but that was a contributing factor for sure). I did a lot of processing of deep, "negative" emotions, like fear, shame, and pain. Then I started to feel a sort of rebirth and feel grateful to be going through this transformation, healing, and growth. Then the fears of "omelets" or even lawyers and custody and divorce fell away, and it all started to feel more inevitable and I was getting stronger and getting ready. I'm at the stage of giving my H and myself one last chance to resurrect our lifeless M, but I'm on the verge of being ready to go forward with D.

 

You mentioned therapy and I wanted to see how this is going for you. My IC has been very useful, but it has also been my 12 step program in Codependents Anonymous (CODA) which has been one of the most helpful experiences in the journey of all. It has really filled up my sense of self while changing my thought patterns and this truly helped me get over the OM. He and I never fully did NC, but rather LC, and now it is like "poof" the power he had over me has magically gone. (Mine was an emotional affair only - maybe with a PA you do have to go NC, I don't know, but I can imagine getting over that could be harder than an EA).

 

I think the need for separation and possibly divorce will be inevitable once you are ready for it in your own journey. Only you will know at this stage if you are over your OM or not (hint: in my case, I stopped reading the infidelity and Other Woman boards -- that stuff is just people spinning in circles of craziness at times, I was/am one of them ... and I started reading the divorce/separation board), and if you have the personal strength for divorce and the feeling of life destiny outside of the current M that helps give you momentum to do it.

 

So in short, keep reading, keep working, keep processing, keep going to IC, but consider doing it with the goal of working on your own self-esteem. When that is restored, everything you need to know and need to do will surely follow. And your relationship with your kids will be so off-the-charts-great when your sense of self is strong and restored … it will be magical times with them and that will fill you up more than the OM ever did.

 

Good luck. Be brave. Stay strong.

Edited May 13, 2015 by starglider

[Josmatjes]

Hi Jos,

 

We've intersected before on the boards with our similar lives … my heart goes out to you as always.

 

I'm struck by your post in that you seem like you are feeling stuck in life and kind of dead inside: "just sucking it up and living like this."

 

I know I was feeling that way myself during Jan/Feb when my EA had ended and I started thinking about separation. Thoughts of divorce then were kind of naive on my part and I'd think absurd and childish thoughts like "what will I do when no one is here to make omelets for me?" Then I'd worry about dating again, making the same relationship mistakes, $$, lawyers, retirement, loss of our shared family culture we built. Then I got the advice that I should stop worrying about divorce logistics or worrying about both men in my life and just focus on myself, especially on my self-esteem.

 

It was then that I realized my exAP was filling up a sense of deep loneliness inside of myself, a more profound loneliness than even a sexless marriage had created (but that was a contributing factor for sure). I did a lot of processing of deep, "negative" emotions, like fear, shame, and pain. Then I started to feel a sort of rebirth and feel grateful to be going through this transformation, healing, and growth. Then the fears of "omelets" or even lawyers and custody and divorce fell away, and it all started to feel more inevitable and I was getting stronger and getting ready. I'm at the stage of giving my H and myself one last chance to resurrect our lifeless M, but I'm on the verge of being ready to go forward with D.

 

You mentioned therapy and I wanted to see how this is going for you. My IC has been very useful, but it has also been my 12 step program in Codependents Anonymous (CODA) which has been one of the most helpful experiences in the journey of all. It has really filled up my sense of self while changing my thought patterns and this truly helped me get over the OM. He and I never fully did NC, but rather LC, and now it is like "poof" the power he had over me has magically gone. (Mine was an emotional affair only - maybe with a PA you do have to go NC, I don't know, but I can imagine getting over that could be harder than an EA).

 

I think the need for separation and possibly divorce will be inevitable once you are ready for it in your own journey. Only you will know at this stage if you are over your OM or not (hint: in my case, I stopped reading the infidelity and Other Woman boards -- that stuff is just people spinning in circles of craziness at times, I was/am one of them ... and I started reading the divorce/separation board), and if you have the personal strength for divorce and the feeling of life destiny outside of the current M that helps give you momentum to do it.

 

So in short, keep reading, keep working, keep processing, keep going to IC, but consider doing it with the goal of working on your own self-esteem. When that is restored, everything you need to know and need to do will surely follow. And your relationship with your kids will be so off-the-charts-great when your sense of self is strong and restored … it will be magical times with them and that will fill you up more than the OM ever did.

 

Good luck. Be brave. Stay strong.

 

 

Thank you so much. What a nice post.

Yes I do feel my ic is helping but I think you are right, I need to build up my self esteem before I makecany life changes. I am in one way over my affair but it is still in my heart where I am hurting. My marriage has been difficult for years. I'm ready for a change but I need to workon myself first. Also you're right about those boards, they could make you crazy!

[Trishern]

The feeling I have now are the same feelings I had before the affair. I have tried but nothing happens. I ask him to come to bed with me, he says not tonight I'm turned, how about tomorrow night. So Saturday night comes, we go out for dinner and drinks with friends..nice night, lots of laughs,...go home he goes right to the den, puts tv on, chews tabacco and I go to bed alone....again. It's like a broken record repeating itself. I would even light candles and put sexy stuff on but I would always get rejected so I just can't bring myself to do that again. I just don't know what to do and I'm lost......

 

 

I've never and can never imagine having this problem with my H. Is it just a case of him having a low drive?

 

 

I imagine he won't want divorce, because it will cost him a lot in child and spousal support, but him not doing anything is really not helpful.

 

 

My understanding of Viagra, is not that it makes you want to have sex, but that it keeps it up for those who want it.