My older brother is in a severely controlling, abusive relationship.

[acapelo_dp]

Alright so my brother is 2 years older than me (26 years old) and he is in a relationship with another man probably for 2 years. He came out a couple of years ago. I live in a city across the country where I moved almost 2 years ago and my brother lives in the town I grew up along with my father. My brother lives with this boyfriend but my father and I have no idea where he lives, if he has a phone, and he hasn't been on Facebook or social media in months.

 

Strange things have happened. My mother passed away March 14, 2014 and I got a call from my brother telling me. Ever since then my brother has asked me for money a few times over Facebook, stating he and his bf were having financial problems - I told him I couldn't help him out due to my own finances. I flew back home for my mothers memorial and I was supposed to meet up with my brother but he didn't show last minute saying he didn't have the money (it was a $15 meal max).

 

Ever since then I have tried about 5 times to get in contact with my brother with no response. I texted my best friend back home today and she said something that rang so many red flags. She is a stylist and she said she saw my brother come in with his boyfriend. My brother didn't speak, the boyfriend spoke for him, took his jacket, told the stylist how to cut his hair and my bro just sat there in silence while his boyfriend sat in a chair right next to him not taking his eye off my brother. When she told me that my heart sank....he is being controlled by this guy. I called my father immediately and he is extremely worried. My brother already has depression and God knows what this monster is restricting him from.

 

I messaged this boyfriend on Facebook and said to have my brother contact me immediately, and also messaged my brother. No answer as of yet.

 

I don't know what to do. I have a sick feeling in my stomach, this guy is isolating my brother from his own family and controlling his every move. I just want to break down and cry from this I can't take thinking my brother is depressed and alone especially after going through losing our mother. And I didn't realize what was going on until now.

 

How do I help? My dad wants to phone the police in a week if I don't hear from my brother by then. He is worried and so am I......

[Josmatjes]

Can you somehow find his address? Go there? Ask your stylist friend if she knows, usually they have that information. Snoop around and go to him and find out what's going on!!

[acapelo_dp]

Can you somehow find his address? Go there? Ask your stylist friend if she knows, usually they have that information. Snoop around and go to him and find out what's going on!!

 

I asked her and she said she didn't have it in the system

 

I am at a loss. If he doesn't answer me on Facebook it will be up to my dad to find out where he is. My dad used to know where my brother worked but that company has since closed so now we have absolutely no idea...

[Lunay]

What about messaging anyone on their facebook friend list? There must be a way to get a hold of him. That is scary.

Be prepared for him to tell you everything is okay. Even if it is not

[preraph]

Maybe he's just mad at you about the money? Do you know where he works? Why not try to call him at work.

[acapelo_dp]

Maybe he's just mad at you about the money? Do you know where he works? Why not try to call him at work.

 

He's not mad at me about the money, he was understanding. I simply didn't have the funds.

 

Because he doesn't work there anymore. I don't know where he works now, neither does my dad since he doesn't talk to us.

 

His boyfriend messaged me back and said "Sure thing, I will let him know when he gets home. We lost our phones a few months ago. Whats your number in case?"

 

I call bullcrap. How the the hell is my brother supposed to call me when he said they both don't have phones. My brother has not messaged me back on his Facebook. So something is fishy.

[CC12]

I have a sick feeling in my stomach, this guy is isolating my brother from his own family and controlling his every move.

 

That could be one possibility, but be careful about jumping to any conclusions. It's also a possibility that your brother's depression has crippled him to the point where he can't bring himself to interact with strangers and his boyfriend is assisting him with going out in public and getting simple needs met like getting a haircut. Or maybe there's another illness that has incapacitated him. In any case, that boyfriend may be the only way you (by "you" I mean your family) have access to your brother at this point. Don't alienate the boyfriend by accusing him of horrible things. Even if he is being an abusive or controlling partner, you should still try to stay on good terms with him if only so that he doesn't turn against you and cut off communication completely.

 

I don't think you all need to wait a week to call the police. Have your father call them tomorrow and explain to them that your brother hasn't been in contact with his family and you believe he is depressed and ask them to do a welfare check on him and provide him with mental health resources.

 

Ultimately, though, your brother is an adult and he has chosen to not be in contact with his family. And his family has allowed him to drop off the radar. I want you to know in case you don't already that it's not really normal for a father to be out of touch with his son for so long that he doesn't know where his son lives or works or if he even has a phone. It's also unusual that his sibling has allowed 14 months go by with no contact and only sounds the alarm when someone outside of the family (the hairdresser) expresses concern.

 

There must be a lot of deep issues within your family that have allowed things to get to this point, but I hope you all can resolve this and have healthy relationships with each other. This is a very sad situation. I wish you all the best.

Edited May 12, 2015 by CC12

[CC12]

I forgot to mention this above.

 

His boyfriend messaged me back and said "Sure thing, I will let him know when he gets home. We lost our phones a few months ago. Whats your number in case?"

 

I took that to mean, "We lost our phones a few months ago and a lot of our contacts, possibly including yours, were lost with it."

 

I call bullcrap. How the the hell is my brother supposed to call me when he said they both don't have phones.

 

A payphone? Borrow a friend's phone? A collect call?

[acapelo_dp]

That could be one possibility, but be careful about jumping to any conclusions. It's also a possibility that your brother's depression has crippled him to the point where he can't bring himself to interact with strangers and his boyfriend is assisting him with going out in public and getting simple needs met like getting a haircut. Or maybe there's another illness that has incapacitated him. In any case, that boyfriend may be the only way you (by "you" I mean your family) have access to your brother at this point. Don't alienate the boyfriend by accusing him of horrible things. Even if he is being an abusive or controlling partner, you should still try to stay on good terms with him if only so that he doesn't turn against you and cut off communication completely.

 

I don't think you all need to wait a week to call the police. Have your father call them tomorrow and explain to them that your brother hasn't been in contact with his family and you believe he is depressed and ask them to do a welfare check on him and provide him with mental health resources.

 

Ultimately, though, your brother is an adult and he has chosen to not be in contact with his family. And his family has allowed him to drop off the radar. I want you to know in case you don't already that it's not really normal for a father to be out of touch with his son for so long that he doesn't know where his son lives or works or if he even has a phone. It's also unusual that his sibling has allowed 14 months go by with no contact and only sounds the alarm when someone outside of the family (the hairdresser) expresses concern.

 

There must be a lot of deep issues within your family that have allowed things to get to this point, but I hope you all can resolve this and have healthy relationships with each other. This is a very sad situation. I wish you all the best.

 

We lost contact because he chose not to contact us. As I live on the other side of the country, I cant just spend a thousand dollars to fly home and investigate. It was very easy for me to lose touch since he can ignore me through social media. He also did not tell my father where he lived because he came out to my dad and was concerned. We didn't "allow him" to drop off the radar. My dad even showed up to his work to try and find my brother. Don't say we didn't make any effort, that's offending. We both tried SO many times.

 

I guess there's nothing to be done then. And yes we have had "deep issues" ever since childhood. There's no way to fix that.

 

I'll just wait until he tries to contact one of us. If not, it's on him I guess.

[minime13]

We lost contact because he chose not to contact us. As I live on the other side of the country, I cant just spend a thousand dollars to fly home and investigate. It was very easy for me to lose touch since he can ignore me through social media. He also did not tell my father where he lived because he came out to my dad and was concerned. We didn't "allow him" to drop off the radar. My dad even showed up to his work to try and find my brother. Don't say we didn't make any effort, that's offending. We both tried SO many times.

 

I guess there's nothing to be done then. And yes we have had "deep issues" ever since childhood. There's no way to fix that.

 

I'll just wait until he tries to contact one of us. If not, it's on him I guess.

 

There could be many things going on, and being in a controlling relationship is just one of those things.

 

He may be going through a depression low, and his boyfriend was with him at the stylist, speaking for him, because he didn't want to speak himself. I've had a partner that would go through spells like that before. That, alone, does not mean the partner is controlling. I think you'd need more to justify that conclusion that you've come to.

 

Also, if he cut ties with the family, then it may simply be his choice not to contact you back. You can't say that nothing can be done about childhood issues - something can always be done. Reaching out, talking about it, and moving past it. Mending. That could be something he's waiting for, especially if he feels he has been wronged. I mean, he moved across country from his family - that says a lot.

 

Maybe reaching out and sending a message on facebook that there are some things you would like to talk to him about and move past. Maybe make it about you, and see if he reaches out then. He may not feel very open to discuss his own problems with you right now, whether they be simply financial, depression, or even relationship problems.