Feelings For Taken Friend That Seems To Maybe Like Me

[ashadetree]

This is complicated. I can't believe I let this happen to me but such is life. I could really use some advice and thoughts, and I apologize if this gets long.

 

TL;DR: I have fallen for a friend. She is in a failing/toxic relationship. We have amazing chemistry and I get the sense that she may return the feelings although it's not confirmed. Our good friends have independently made subtle comments on chemistry/energy between us. My feelings have reached a strength where I now no longer want to date other people. What are my options?

 

 

I've never before had a crush on someone who was taken...until now. I met this person...we will call them X...through mutual friends. I liked X right away but knew she was in a relationship and didn't think much about it.

 

I knew X's relationship was rough and thought maybe I'd have a chance in the future. I couldn't help myself and eventually became friends with X. We have hung out a lot over the past few months and bonded over a mutual hobby as well as lots of other things. We click so well...same sense of humor, same interests, same pace at things.

 

Through all this she has extreme ups and downs with her SO. They broke up another time about 2 months ago (X's doing) only to get back together because I guess her SO wanted to work on things and try counseling. I heard her SO was moving out but I don't think it actually happened. So yeah....they are constantly on the rocks and X does not seem to enjoy the relationship. I can't understand why she is still in it....mutual friends who know her better think she's afraid of being single and is a bit co-dependent in some way. Sounds like a very toxic relationship to me. One time while hanging out with mutual friends I left to use the restroom and when I came back they were all talking about X's relationship and the bad state it was in. I didn't do anything to steer or bring up that conversation...I just listened. (I only mention that to say that I'm not simply imagining or hoping her relationship is bad.)

 

Meanwhile I get the sense that maybe X likes me, but it's very hard to tell because obviously I am biased. I want to see what I want to see. However, many friends have independently made comments about her and I...like X pays more attention to me or that they had already paired us up in their minds. So I definitely think people (including 2 friends that have known her for a while) are noticing that we have chemistry. I haven't mentioned my feelings for X to these friends.

 

She remembers very obscure things about me...I can tell she's really paying attention. She participates on my social media posts way more than her other friend's. She doesn't ask about my dating life and rarely mentions her SO except in offhand ways, and for people that have been hanging out as much as we have it's odd that we don't talk about relationship stuff. We talk about plans to do activities together and it always seems like it's unspoken that her SO wouldn't be there. She will go out of her way to hang out with me much more than her other friends it seems. We have a ton of inside jokes. She has only once invited me to hang out when her SO is around, but I am not a secret to her SO.

 

The last couple weeks I feel like we've been talking a little bit more over text. We never did that before. She also told me two days in a row about dreams she had, and I was in them. They were non-sexual as she described them, but it was interesting....personally I tend to only dream about friends if I have a crush on them.

 

A few days ago we went on a mini getaway...just myself, X, and X's other good friend. X had initiated and invited me. It was fun and platonic for the most part, although when X was off doing something else and it was X's friend and I, the friend told me that X needed a break from her SO and hence the reason for the mini getaway. Then she said "I don't know why she doesn't just date you." I was speechless and didn't even reply. I just kind of gave a "Heh". I wasn't ready to bring my feelings into the open. This friend has known X for like 12 years...I wonder if she sees something in X's behavior.

 

I felt like X and I had a good energy going on that night but it never got pushed to flirty except towards the end of the night when we were playing a game at the bar and we were high fiving...except they were those high fives where you kind of grab the other person's fingers for a second longer than normal. We seemed to have a lot more eye contact too.

 

It's not an emotional affair. She doesn't confide in me over her SO or bring things to me before her SO. She also doesn't discuss her relationship with me at all...good or bad. Sometimes I almost forget she has a SO. It's funny...despite how often we hang out our friendship seems rather surface-level in certain areas, and sometimes I think our friendship is a bit stunted because we can't or won't get closer in the way we want. She seems like a loyal person overall, I can't see her cheating.

 

Then there are things that make me think I'm crazy and it's all in my head.... she will sometimes turn down plans with me, although I think it has more to do with the fact that she obviously does have to spend time with her SO. She usually always makes an alternate date if she can't go. We don't flirt overtly and don't chat over text very much. Once or twice she's put out a feeler about me thinking a girl is cute, but she stays largely away from that topic.

 

She's a bit hot and cold with me sometimes...when it's just me and her I see a much more bubbly side to her that isn't there (to that degree) around her other friends.

 

I don't have any idea what to do. I honestly feel that the best possible scenario is to just wait let her relationship run its course. It seems obvious it won't last forever but who knows how long it will drag on. However in the last few weeks I've fallen for her so much harder and now I realize I only have eyes for her. Early in this crush I was willing to date other people and honestly did try to go on some online dates to play the field and distract myself, but now I can tell I am unwilling to do that any more.

 

I worry that she does like me but isn't sure I return those feelings and doesn't want to leave a relationship, however bad, for uncertainty...especially uncertainty where a friendship might be on the line if I don't reciprocate. And it's that worry that makes me wonder if I should say something. It's obvious that I can't go on much longer like this anyway.

 

We have another group trip coming up in a month and a half...Just me, X, and other couple. X's SO is not coming yet again...weird right? I have to keep the peace until that trip because lots of $$ is invested on plane tickets. But after that I have more options.

 

Please give me advice! I'm struggling. I don't want to be a home-wrecker and I don't want her to be a cheater. This is why I haven't flirted or done anything and I've kept a bit of distance and very much hid my feelings.

[preraph]

You could certainly tell her, "Hey, if you ever do decide to dump him, you can date me." But beware that if she clings to this type of chaos that's in her present relationship, that may be the norm for her. She might NOT be any better with you.

[Satu]

Be careful that you don't end up being the emergency exit from her current relationship, only to be quickly discarded when she meets somebody else.

 

These things happen.

[ashadetree]

You could certainly tell her, "Hey, if you ever do decide to dump him, you can date me." But beware that if she clings to this type of chaos that's in her present relationship, that may be the norm for her. She might NOT be any better with you.

 

 

I might be considering this as a last resort option, but after this next group trip. I'd have to say it then get some distance.

 

You're right, and I worry that maybe she likes to have drama. I can't do drama so if so, it wouldn't last long. But at least then I know I tried.

 

It sucks because she seems like such a great option, the timing is just ****

 

 

Be careful that you don't end up being the emergency exit from her current relationship, only to be quickly discarded when she meets somebody else.

 

These things happen.

Is that always true though? Anyway, from what I know of her she seems loyal and her relationships seem pretty long overall.

[ashadetree]

I'm asking this because I'm at a crossroads. I have strong feelings for someone who is in a rocky relationship. I'm currently single. I have reason to think that the feelings are somewhat mutual.

 

I'm just wondering for those who have been in a similar situation and had it work out (I've seen some people post about their similar situations where they were in a relationship and left it to be with a better match)...when and how did you breach the topic? Was it just out of the blue? Or was it following an event that made it an unavoidable conversation?

 

I want to put my feelings out there and move on, in whatever way it may be. I just want to know how it maybe happened for people who made it work.

[Hawaii51]

Gotta be true to you

 

 

But, it rarely works out.. and I wouldn't go chasing a girl on the fringe of a rocky relationship.

 

Sounds like an overzealous friend-zoned white knight.

 

How's the relationship with your mother?

[LadyDeadpool]

There's no time like the present. Tell her how you feel only once you are prepared to accept either outcome. But also make sure that if she does reciprocate, she dumps her current boyfriend. If she really feels the same way she shouldn't make you the middle man.

[lana-banana]

I didn't even realize I had feelings for my now-boyfriend until I was thousands of miles away on a work assignment. I had no intention of saying anything because I knew he had a very serious girlfriend. But just two days following my discovery he made a mildly flirtatious joke. We were also kind of nerd-flirting, chatting all day with gifs and telling stories and whatnot. It wasn't much of anything but my imagination seized on it, and I resolved to have a discussion with him when I came home. I insisted we talk. He proposed Gchat, IM and phone calls, but I refused. This had to be face-to-face.

 

That conversation was one of the most awkward of my life. I had memorized my opening line ("I think things between us have been ambiguous lately, and I'd just like some clarity") and once I said it I realized how ridiculous I sounded. But however ridiculous I sounded, he was worse. He promptly responded with a metric ton of word vomit: he didn't mean to be flirtatious, he was miserable in his relationship at home, had tried ending it before and was planning to do it again in the next few weeks when their lease expired, he had fantasized about being with me but knew it could never happen, he was planning to move out of the country within a year anyway, and on and on. We talked about how we obviously liked each other but the timing was terrible so it would never work. There could be no relationship. There could be no connection. Oh well, that's life sometimes. About midway through the conversation I was gesturing passionately and he took one of my hands. We held hands like that over the table for the rest of the night, all while insisting we couldn't be together. We parted ways after agreeing nothing could ever happen. And holding hands.

 

I had said my piece and that was it. There wasn't anything else to do. To his credit, he didn't try to contact me much afterwards except one email in which he admitted our conversation was weighing heavily on him. I didn't believe it could ever work out, but two weeks later he was single. He asked if I would be willing to go very, very slowly for a while. I said yes.

 

What happened next is for another post, but I think the critical thing to remember is you can't make anyone do anything. You can tell her how you feel but then you have to back off. And don't expect things to go according to plan; I would never have guessed we'd end the night holding hands while swearing we couldn't be together. Be aware that if she ultimately chooses to be with her current guy, it will probably cost you your friendship. And if she does choose to be with you, watch how she deals with her ex-boyfriend. It's already a sticky situation, and while a lot of hurt feelings are unavoidable, you want a partner who handles their breakups with kindness and grace.

[preraph]

You need to leave the person who already has a partner alone, rocky relationship or no, and see if they are really leaving the relationship or not. Because a LOT of people who tell people they are always having problems have no intention of making a change. They are just huffing and blowing. You will do yourself more harm than good to encourage someone who may have zero intentions of ending his primary relationship. You are single and you should just stop focusing on this person and find someone also single. Most of the time in situations like this, the man may be willing to cheat and his complaining may be the way he justifies cheating to himself, but in all likelihood, his ideal situation is not to leave her for someone else but to have both.

[oldshirt]

I've posted about this before several times and I know it's controversial and a lot of people have a problem with this but I am now 51 years old and looking back at my youth, my single biggest regret is that I was in your position many times and did nothing because I didn't want to be "that guy" and didn't want anyone tongue-clicking at me that I was making an offer to someone who was dating someone.

 

Now that I am older and wiser and know more about how the world really works, I know that countless young women are simply seeing the dude they're dating out of habit and because they don't have their next one lined up yet.

 

Trust me, if she is the least bit attractive she will monkey swing to the next dude in a very short period of time when she dumps this one.

 

.....and that guy will have put his reservation in well before she dumps the current one.

 

If I could go back in time, I would make a valid offer to the people I was interested in and give it my best shot. I know some would have passed on the offer but I also know some would've taken me up on it.

 

Some day you will be 51 years old and when you look back, you will never once regret taking the chance, even if it didn't pan out. In fact you will not regret pi$$ing off a BF or even regret a good ol' bar fight.

 

What you will regret is being a pu$$y that didn't take the chance.

 

This gal and her friends are rolling out the frick'n red carpet for you to make your move! Don't be a pu$$y that let's opportunities go by.

[oldshirt]

....I will tell you something that did happen several times when I finally did start mustering up the giblets to ask out girls that were dating other guys.

 

I won't lie to you, I did get told no a number of times.

 

But then months and even a year or more later, I'd get phone calls (this was in the days before text and emails and Facebook etc) asking if the offer was still open.

 

 

You see here's the thing, women monkey swing from one guy to the next. They don't just dump some dude because the relationship is bad and then they are completely free and single for months.

 

9.99 times out of 10 when a gal "needs space" or takes a "break" or dumps a guy, she has the next one warming up on deck ready to step up to bat.

 

The one that's going to be up next on deck is the one that made the strongest play while she was still with the first guy.

 

If you aren't one of the ones getting your hat in the ring while she's still involved, you ain't gonna be the one coming up to bat next.

 

She and her friends are warming you up on deck right now. Take the bat and walk up to the plate and be ready, willing and able to make your best swing.

[oldshirt]

 

I'm struggling. I don't want to be a home-wrecker and I don't want her to be a cheater. This is why I haven't flirted or done anything and I've kept a bit of distance and very much hid my feelings.

 

Here's another life-lesson that took me years to learn the hard way.

 

When you hit on a married woman with kids and a mortgage and care payments and a family insurance plan, you are just a dirtball, douchebag poacher.

 

When you are all young and single with no actual legal, moral or ethical commitments, whoever rides off into the sunset with the pretty girl is simply the better man.

 

People are committed when they are legally joined and share joint assets and have a family together. When everyone is single and no actual joint assets, it's every man and woman for him/herself, survival of the fittest. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen, stay out of the way, and watch the real men ride off with the pretty girls.

 

When a single woman, chooses a single guy, it's because she thinks he's the better option. It might make some people tongue-click and shake their heads for a few moments and the ex BF's sister may be upset (mostly with her) but in two days no one else is going to give a $hit.

 

....except him and if he comes to pound your a$$ and you're willing to go toe to toe with him, then you've earned it regardless of who takes the worst beating.

 

 

My point is, it's only home-wrecking when their is an actual home and family established. When it's just singles dating, it's being the one that comes out on top in the end.

[ashadetree]

I didn't even realize I had feelings for my now-boyfriend until I was thousands of miles away on a work assignment. I had no intention of saying anything because I knew he had a very serious girlfriend. But just two days following my discovery he made a mildly flirtatious joke. We were also kind of nerd-flirting, chatting all day with gifs and telling stories and whatnot. It wasn't much of anything but my imagination seized on it, and I resolved to have a discussion with him when I came home. I insisted we talk. He proposed Gchat, IM and phone calls, but I refused. This had to be face-to-face.

 

That conversation was one of the most awkward of my life. I had memorized my opening line ("I think things between us have been ambiguous lately, and I'd just like some clarity") and once I said it I realized how ridiculous I sounded. But however ridiculous I sounded, he was worse. He promptly responded with a metric ton of word vomit: he didn't mean to be flirtatious, he was miserable in his relationship at home, had tried ending it before and was planning to do it again in the next few weeks when their lease expired, he had fantasized about being with me but knew it could never happen, he was planning to move out of the country within a year anyway, and on and on. We talked about how we obviously liked each other but the timing was terrible so it would never work. There could be no relationship. There could be no connection. Oh well, that's life sometimes. About midway through the conversation I was gesturing passionately and he took one of my hands. We held hands like that over the table for the rest of the night, all while insisting we couldn't be together. We parted ways after agreeing nothing could ever happen. And holding hands.

 

I had said my piece and that was it. There wasn't anything else to do. To his credit, he didn't try to contact me much afterwards except one email in which he admitted our conversation was weighing heavily on him. I didn't believe it could ever work out, but two weeks later he was single. He asked if I would be willing to go very, very slowly for a while. I said yes.

 

What happened next is for another post, but I think the critical thing to remember is you can't make anyone do anything. You can tell her how you feel but then you have to back off. And don't expect things to go according to plan; I would never have guessed we'd end the night holding hands while swearing we couldn't be together. Be aware that if she ultimately chooses to be with her current guy, it will probably cost you your friendship. And if she does choose to be with you, watch how she deals with her ex-boyfriend. It's already a sticky situation, and while a lot of hurt feelings are unavoidable, you want a partner who handles their breakups with kindness and grace.

 

 

 

Thanks for all the replies. I'm almost in the same position as you, lana-banana. I hung out in a group with this person and their SO recently (her SO is almost never around when we hang out, this is one of the only times), and she barely even came up to me the entire night which was unlike her, and she was being awkward. Then a few days later made a mildly flirtatious joke over text, and has been liking and commenting on all my Facebook posts.

 

How long were you friends with your SO before you had that talk, lana-banana? I almost feel like it's one of those situations where the other person needs a nudge to get the ball rolling in a breakup because they'll just stay stuck for a long time.

 

But yeah...if it doesn't work, oh well. I won't be able to live without trying, or waiting.

[TaraMaiden2]

My now-husband sent me the following text:

 

"I'm falling for you big time. But I'm not going to follow through while you're still married.

And if you divorce your husband, it has to be 'for' me, not BECAUSE of me.

I'm here, but only when you're single again."

 

That made me stop and think about my situation.

It was the necessary catalyst that obliged me to review where my life was going at that point.

 

Good luck, but don't hold your breath.

Edited May 29, 2015 by TaraMaiden2

[ashadetree]

Haha oldshirt, I like your enthusiasm.

 

Just recently she made a joke about some tickets to a show I have. I had asked her to come but she never gave me a straight answer, and so I told the group I had an extra still. My friend said I should bring a babe to the show (aka a date), and then X said "I thought I was your babe haha"---implying she wanted the ticket or thought I was already giving it to her. Sure it could be taken as a joke amongst friends but it seems pretty flirtatious given that we've never really drawn that line that we're just platonic friends (aka, calling each other dude/friend/talk about relationship tips and advice). So that really got my attention a couple days ago.

 

Also she likes and comments on most of my Facebook posts. She will comment on my posts but I've never seen her actually make comments on other friends posts.

 

Writing it here it seems very clear she likes me but what am I supposed to do?

Edited May 29, 2015 by ashadetree

[ashadetree]

interesting TaraMaiden2. Seems like there's a lot more to the story though. Did you guys have a mutual attraction or was this out of the blue?

[TaraMaiden2]

interesting TaraMaiden2. Seems like there's a lot more to the story though. Did you guys have a mutual attraction or was this out of the blue?

 

Yes, of course there's a lot more to the story, but it's your thread, not mine... and it would have taken the subject off-topic in part.

 

There was a mutual attraction.

We knew that it would be encroaching onto dangerous and deceitful territory.

Hence my H's comment to me.

[lana-banana]

He and I had been friends for a year. We actually met at work, but aren't coworkers; he was just in my office to work on a project with my team. We became fast friends over that time but also interacted professionally and learned how to disagree and debate with one another while still being respectful, which has helped our relationship a lot.

 

I don't think "liking" all your posts means anything. I mean, it might, but it could also be quite friendly, and it's not clear if she likes you or if she just likes the ego rush of getting your attention. Ask her and be straight about it. Either she wants to be with you and will do whatever it takes, or she doesn't.