Torn in 2 directions: When Reconcilliation Goes Wrong-Should I Get Out???

[Shey]

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OK, this is complicated, but I am truly feeling torn and need some advice...here's my situation - I married and had children at a young age, I was 20 when my daughter was born, 22 when I had my son. Their father is the same age as me, and we married shortly after our 2nd was born (a bit backwards I know)...I had moved away from my friends and family to be with him, since he had moved away shortly after we started dating...had a LTR for about a year before I moved in with him...we have always had ups and downs in our relationship, and I have left him on more than one occasion. The first time was after he confessed to me that he had cheated on me ( a year earlier, and had kept it to himself for that long)...I moved back home w/ my kids in tow and stayed w/ my mom for a month. We talked on the phone quite a bit during this time, and I found the strength to forgive him and I went back to him.

We went through a period of financial difficulty and ended up having to move in w/ his mom to make ends meet. I agreed to it, knowing that it was temporary until we could get back on our feet. Well, after a YEAR of putting up with his mom's alcoholic fits and verbal abuse, I told him that I could no longer take it, and that we needed to find our own place...we had the money to do so, but yet he was very hesitant about doing it, and so I gave him an ultimatum...either we move or I was going to have to move out w/o him...I couldn't see putting our kids through all the BS his mom was causing...it got so bad that she and I ended up having a yelling match in front of the kids...that was the last straw for me, and I called my mother and she helped me and the children move back to my hometown...my husband never stood up for me when it came to his mom's abuse, and though I had pleaded w/ him, it never seemed to make a difference.

So here I was, 24 and a single mom, raising 2 kids by myself...I was scared to death, and I still loved my husband, but couldn't keep myself in the situation I had been in...and he wasn't willing to take care of it so I felt I had to do something. Well, I found a job and worked full time, and tried to juggle the whole parenting thing with this too. I was overwhelmed by the responsibilities I had placed on myself, and didn't know what to do...my husband was torn apart by me leaving, and kept begging me to come back, but I WOULD NOT go through the hell I had gone through all over again...I told him that there was no possibility of me coming back while he still lived w/ his mom...and I thought perhaps it would get through to him that he either needed to come up and live w/ me or move out of his moms, but he never did...and so I told him I thought we should file for divorce. I just simply couldn't see spending the rest of my life w/ somebody who couldn't even see how unhappy I was, or who was not man enough to do something about it if he did see it...after that, he became very distant from me and very cold when I did hear from him. He stopped calling, and when I would call to ask if he was going to see the kids (we lived about 4 hrs away from eachother), he would always say he had to work and couldn't see them. This upset me very much.

After about 7 months of being seperated, we began to talk more regularly...neither of us had actually filed for divorce, and he had gotten a little better about seeing the kids (maybe one weekend a month or so)...he came to me and told me he wanted to be a full time dad...he wanted the kids...I had told him that I would rather be a part time mom, where my kids would get to see BOTH of their parents, than a full time mom and not have them see their dad at all...I KNEW I would see them on a regular basis, and that I wouldn't make excuses not to...and so I let him have his chance...I was financially struggling at the time and felt it would be better for the kids to be with him...it was very hard to do this, but I felt it best.

So he took the kids, and I began to work on myself...I got in touch with old friends, went back to college, and tried to move on with my life, under the impression that my marriage was over....I did pretty well, but was often lonely w/o the kids at home. I ended up meeting up with an old friend and we started a relationship...I told him I wasn't ready for a serious relationship yet, and that I wasn't even "officially" single yet, and he seemed ok with this. We dated for a few months, and then he moved in with me. I know it probably wasn't the smartest idea, but I was lonely and having somebody at home made me feel better...plus I was really falling for this man and was comfortable with him. We stayed together for almost a year, and I kept asking my husband about the divorce...he said he was going to file, and because of the state I lived in, I had to wait a year before I could file myself...he kept saying he was going to file, but it never happened. And then my relationship w/ my b/f went bad...he cheated on me, and I kicked him out of my life. I just couldn't handle trying to fix it at that point...

I spent a lot of my time with my family and my friends, and was doing good, though I was still lonely...thoughts of whether or not I had really given my marriage the chance it deserved would come flooding into my mind...after all, I still loved the guy when I had moved out of his mom's....but I still firmly believed I could not survive in her house...I was happy with my new home, I had lost about 30 lbs simply by getting out of that depressing situation, and I was doing better financially. I wrote a letter to my husband on the year anniversary of me leaving, explaining how I was feeling about maybe not giving it the best shot possible, and how I wish we could have done things differently, how I missed my family terribly, etc...and sent it off to him. I really didn't know what to expect, but he called me and we began talking again and discussing life and what eachother wanted, etc...well, about 4 months ago, he finally told me he was going to move out of his mom's, and he wanted me to go with him...I thought long and hard about everything, and decided to tell him yes. I was scared to do so, but I needed to make sure I gave my marriage the best shot that I could, and I wanted to try w/o his mom in the way...

Well now I am here w/ him, and while we aren't at each other's throats or anything, I feel extremely isolated and cut off from everyone else in my life. I have no friends out here, I left them all behind to try and work this out. I only live about 4 hours away from my mom, sisters, and friends, but my husband told me he doesn't want me to talk to any of my friends up there because it will only cause troubles in the long run...he doesn't trust me, even though I have done nothing to make him not trust me, and he is so caught up in his work it seems he doesn't even realize I am back....he begged and pleaded w/ me for so long to have me come home, and now that I am here it as if I had never been gone. I go to school online full-time, work part-time, and take care of my son while my daughter is in school. He works nights, and comes home and sleeps, then gets up and goes back to work. On the weekends, he doesn't talk to me much at all, and never helps me w/ anything around this house, including raising the kids. I help our daughter w/ our homework, I give them baths, I make their meals, I tuck them in (even though they go to bed before he leaves for work) I almost feel like he wanted me back here to be his NANNY, not his wife....don't get me wrong, I love my children dearly and I love taking care of them, but it is the way HE is being towards me that is making me unhappy. I have talked to him about this and all he says is that he does love me and that he is still adjusting to having me back...but nothing changes, and he goes on with his zombie-like behaviour day after day.

I find myself thinking that maybe I made the wrong choice by coming back here, and I cry myself to sleep thinking about all that I left behind to be here...I was happy where I was...and now I am miserable. I feel torn because I love my kids so much, and I wouldn't want to leave them again, but I am not financially able to take them with me if I did go...so now I am stuck trying to figure out what to do...when my husband touches me I feel numb...I can't seem to open up to him anymore, I feel that he doesn't even know who I am, and I long for freedom from the numbness...HELP! Any input would be greatly appreciated....sorry it is so long!!

[Velveteel]

Wow. You are in a very painful and difficult situation. I think you expected to go back to work on the relationship, to really be engaged with each other, not living parallel lives, and that maybe he just expected to walk back into a standard 1950's-style marriage, where he doesn't have to talk with you deeply or try to connect in any way other than sex and paying the bills.

 

If you could get him to agree to counseling, maybe that would help.

 

A "date night" every week is also a good idea. That way, at least one night a week you are facing each other over a dinner table and not having to care for the kids at the same time.

 

It's probably true that he hasn't adjusted to you being there, but this is a man who's willing to live under very bad conditions for years. After all, he lived as a grown man in his alcoholic mother's house, even though his wife left him over it, and he couldn't get around to divorcing you, even when you lived for a YEAR with another man. It sounds like getting him to change any behaviors or address your feelings--or even his own--is going to be very difficult.

 

If counseling and the "date night" don't work out, you could give yourself a private deadline, say, a year or two from now, and decide to leave then if nothing has improved. On the plus side, it's probably good for the children for the two of you to live with them, even if you and your husband aren't interacting much.

 

Good luck with this hard time you're facing.

[Shey]

Thanks for responding =) I do appreciate it. Well it has been about a month since I first posted that thread, and my situation hasn't changed too terribly much. I've been here now for almost five months. I did have a night where I almost packed up my things and left, but I sat there and thought about everything and decided it best to just stay put and talk to my husband about how I was feeling, and about why I felt I needed to leave...something I didn't do in the past. Before, I would have just gone...no questions asked, no nothing. I realize that is self-destructive behavior and doesn't do anybody any good, and I have tried to change that behavior. I waited until he got home in the morning and I told him that we needed to talk. We went outside and I told him everything about how I almost left and why I felt like I needed to leave, and he listened. He didn't get mad (which he very rarely does), and said that if I am going to leave, there is nothing he can do to stop me. We talked for about an hour, but at the end of it I didn't really feel much better and nothing was said of it afterwards. That's the way things seem to go in our relationship...we may TALK about our problems, but after the talking is done...nothing else happens to correct it. It's like he feels that by talking about it, that solves it...actions speak much louder than words I"m afraid...

I know this is just a rant...but tonight I'm feeling more frazzled than most and need an outlet...I feel like I am the only one raising our kids. Yes he is the financial backbone in this household, but honestly even w/o him working I would be able to handle all our bills on my own...we don't pay much for rent & utils., and don't have a lot of outstanding debts or anything. I was out mowing the lawn this evening after taking/picking up our daughter from t-ball practice, and he woke up at around 7pm. I came in and asked him if he could start marinating some steaks for supper, and that I would grill them before he had to leave for work (he usually leaves home at about 9 pm...) His reply was that he needed to take a shower and get ready to go. I reminded him that it was only 7, and he just sat at his computer w/ his back to me and didn't say anything. I went back outside and continued mowing, the kids playing outside and helping me by picking up sticks that were in my way. I am the one who is up w/ them in the morning to get them breakfast, I am the one who makes their lunches, plays w/ them, disciplines them, and everything else because he is in bed all day and doesn't wake up until an hour or so before he has to leave again.

Counseling is something that we had talked about in the past, and we did end up going, seperately while we were not living together. It didn't help much. Date nights are really difficult for us to do because of his schedule, and also because we seem to have nothing in common. We have no mutual friends, and he seems to have NO friends...he considers everyone he works w/ to be "acquantances" and nothing more...he never goes out with anybody for fun...(I find this strange too because while we were seperated he would go out almost every weekend w/ people from work, even when he had the kids full-time and his mom would babysit)...so why does he all of a sudden have no friends or desire to hang out and have a good time when I am back?? I know the reason I have no social life is because I left all of my friends behind when I moved out here...yet I still get invited to get togethers and I still keep in contact thru email and phone....I have tried to include my husband in my circle of friends but he wants nothing to do with it...and so I have not gone to see anybody since I moved out here. That is one of my biggest problems here...I feel so isolated, and I feel that my husband is a hermit and I hate that...when I think of the ideal life and relationship I dream about somebody who likes to hang out w/ friends, you know....bbq's, going out to shoot pool and drink a few beers, camping, fishing, taking the kids to the park...that kind of thing....somebody who is as active as I want to be. This is not happening here, and the hard part is that when I married him, he was willing to do a lot of those things. He has changed so much...he acts like he is 50 and he is only 25...

I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I am going to ask him for a divorce. I am not going to do it yet however, I want to give him a chance to see what is going on and to change it if he wants to. Also, I am not yet prepared to go it on my own again. I believe I would be taking our kids with me because I am so much closer to them than he is right now and I couldn't see leaving them here when he doesn't even know their daily routines or anything else about them for the most part. I want to be financially able to do this and it will take at least a few months before I would feel comfortable moving money-wise. I know that once this goes down it is the definite end of this relationship, as we have both discussed what would happen if things didn't work out this time, and were in mutual agreement about divorcing, to end the kids' teeter-tottering more than anything else. I don't like to put them through this, but I can't be untrue to myself....how is that setting a good example for them? I want them to always follow their hearts and to be happy with their lives, and to not let anyone else drag them down...and if I am in an unhappy hollow marriage, I feel that is worse for them than having a split home where at least maybe one of their parents is happy with their life. If anybody has anything they can say about this situation, please feel free to do so...I look for input wherever I can find it....this is not an easy situation and I can use all the advice I can get....thanks for listening...

[amish]

Wow, you two (you and hubby) sound so much like my ex-wife and I. I would like to think that I wasn't quite as bad as your husband but I probably was. In my case, no amount of discussion changed my ways. No amount of pleading from my ex would get me to "snap out of it." Threats of divorce didn't even work. It wasn't until she left me that I realized things were in an out-of-control tail spin in our relationship. That's a little too late, no?

 

But, it sounds like you've already done the move-out thing before?

 

My heart really hurts for you. I know now how painful, yet necessary, it was for my ex-wife to leave. Heck, it even IMPROVED the relationship I have with our son. I'm not advocating divorce or anything, but your guy needs a serious wake-up call.

[Shey]

Thanks for the reply Amish =) Yes we have already been through the moving out thing...and he did seem like it woke him up and "snapped him out of it" while I was not there...he would talk to me about all the fun things he had been doing, and how he wanted to do all these things with me and the kids if we'd come back, etc....but as soon as I came back, and I mean the INSTANT I was living with him, he seemed to make his going out and having fun days nonexistant. He settled right back into the same routine he had with me before I had left over a year earlier! I have told him how I am feeling, and even let him know I almost left once...none of this has changed the way he is towards me or the kids.

[amish]

I'll e-mail him a copy of my child support and alimony checks. Or maybe a pay stub from the 2nd job I had to get to pay for all that.

[Shey]

Now after doing a lot of thinking one cant judge on just one side after thinking many times over I must admit. I started all the cheating and bitter feelings between us. I had affairs before he told me of his and left many more times before that. There are more sides to the stories than I lead on just comming clean after a lot of thinking. It takes two and I know I was never in it from the start. So I used him as much as he used me. So I guess everything is even.