Divorce because of lack of sex?

[Bustoff]

I'll try posting again. Last thread didn't help.

My wife and I have been married over 20 years. For at least the last 10 she has for the most part lost interest in sex. Last few years it has got worse.

we have a comfortable lifestyle. We own our home, we both work, we have some savings.

We have no children of our own nut we raised two from her previous marriage. They are grown and have families now.

The lack of sex is driving me nuts. I've tried talking to her, and I went to a counselor alone, because she wouldn't go. She has just shut off. Question is, do I leave and get a divororce just for this reason? I am at my wits end.Any help would be appreciated.

[Bustoff]

I am very close to calling a lawyer and finding a place to live on my own. In fact I may start on that today.

[central]

Yes, you leave. You've talked to her, and probably tried other things. Do you know why she lost interest? Is it hormonal? Have you let yourself go? Are you affectionate with her in non-sexual ways? It could be many things, and it can be very difficult to find the root cause - and even if you do, it may not be fixable or fixable within a time frame and level of effort that is worthwhile.

 

I spent 20 wasted years trying to find out and fix my ex's lack of sexual interest. I was foolishly optimistic that I could and that the relationship was worth saving. She apparently did not feel the same.

 

The decision to leave was one of the best I've ever made. I soon went on to be happy in a far, far better relationship with a very sexual and loving woman. My advice is to spend no more than a year dealing with and trying to fix a relatively sexless relationship. If there's no improvement, leave. You'll both be happier eventually, and if the left spouse is not, then it's on them to fix their own situation.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I haven't had a chance to read your previous threads so I'm going to respond blindly to this one for now.

 

Your life sounds like a carbon copy of my own except in the reverse. You can read some of my ramblings regarding it if you wish but suffice it to say that I spent 20 years with my husband and probably a good 7 years of it was completely sexless (I stopped counting after about 6 years).

 

He was in denial. He didn't think it was a big issue. He refused counselling but ended up going reluctantly after I threatened him. Nothing ever changed in that regard. And it doesn't get better in my experience.

 

I had a good life with him...a really good life. He was a good man and great father BUT I was dying a little everyday. I wanted and needed physical intimacy and felt I was much too young to shelf it forever.

 

It took me years but I finally found the courage to ask for a separation. It was painful as hell but I knew it was the only way to remedy our situation which had become very toxic. You can only go so only without getting your needs met before it poisons every other aspect of your life and your relationship. It's not a matter of if but when.

 

I don't have any answers for you nor do I have a happy ending to share with you regarding my marriage BUT in the end it became a happy ending because when the dust settled, I've never been happier.

 

Good luck.

[Yasuandio]

I had the same issue in my marriage. Exact. A decade of very little sex - a few times a year. Then the last few years - ZERO. It affected my self esteem, and confidence. I tried everything. It became obvious that it was affecting me, emotionally. Actually, as I look back on it, I find it to be a form of emotional abuse, withdrawal of affection one would expect in a marriage.

 

There are three or more possible "obvious" reasons your wife declines sex. One, you do not turn here on for some reason - if that is the case, do you know why? I realize, after being denied affection for a decade, I put on some weight. That didn't help matters.

 

Is it possible she is fulfilled elsewhere? This, I believe was the case in my marriage. My doctor told me that it was highly unlikely that a grown man in my former husband's excellent physical condition went without sex for years at a time. But it took me a VERY long time to process this possibility - a very long time. Like, duh.

 

A hormonal, chemical imbalance, early menapause, whatever. This is for a doctor to determine - and she must care enough to look into it.

 

Those factors mentioned, (and, of course there are others), have you confronted her about your needs as her husband? You must make this perfectly clear. No side-stepping. Just the facts - lay them out. Then tell her, you are not prepared to live a sexless life - and what to know what she sees as an option. And that is it.

 

You have to lay the cards on the table, and mean it.

 

I didn't do this, I kept trying to be patient, bought into the "I'm tired," routine. My advances were rejected over and over and over, until I finally started getting depressed and angry. That didn't help. Trying to hold in my anger and pain I think factored into me eventually developing massively high blood pressure (it doesn't go away once you get it).

 

So -- do something, via the good old word "communication." You are not prepared for a sexless marriage." Ball in her court. If she does not provide options, then you provide the options and see what happens. You are not alone. Hope this helps. Keep posting. Yas

[Josmatjes]

I have the same problem in reverse..... Read my posts.... I want to separate and file after cause I am dying a little everyday also....

[BikerAccnt]

As the other posters, I had the same problem.

 

 

The bigger problem of no/lack of sex is what it does to the other parts of your relationship. That's the poison that ultimately dooms things.

 

 

When you are getting sex with your spouse, it's a small part of the overall whole, but when you aren't getting it, it looms larger than all else, and taints it as well.

 

 

In most cases, the denying spouse doesn't even realize what they are doing because it's not a problem for them. They just. don't. see. it.

 

 

Only you can decide if it's right for you or not. As you can tell, for many of us, leaving was right. I'm sure for many, many more. It's not. There are plenty of people who remain married and sexless, and are happy. The question is, can you be one of those people? I wasn't.

[LoveMyCat]

Wow, this seems to happen in so many marriages. Mine went this way also, for various reasons. I have been separated for five months now, after twenty-plus years with my husband. We were both to "blame" for the lack of sex...he had some emotional issues, depression etc. and certain medications causing issues. I have chronic pain after a hysterectomy. So gradually, we just seemed to...stop..and it really damages a relationship. We grew apart, passive/aggressive toward one another, etc...

 

I still have not had sex, lol...but am happier and more at peace on my own.

[elaine567]

I still have not had sex, lol...but am happier and more at peace on my own.

 

I think that has to be taken into consideration.

I know Bustoff you are 60, so what is your realistic dating value? Are you certain you could meet other women, who would give you the sex you desire?

Would you be swapping married life, companionship, comfortably off, nice house, looked after, albeit with no sex, for a single existence, smaller house/flat, wandering about by yourself, alone every night, and still no sex?

Dating is hard, I guess at 60 it will not be easy.

 

Is it worth laying your cards on the table re the fact you are seriously considering divorce here and perhaps shocking her into some action. Obviously if there are deep divisions in your marriage as well as the sex then just divorce, but if you get on well and it is just the sex, then shock tactics may be enough to spur her into action and get you both talking about it, at least.

I doubt at 60 she will want to be flung out of her cosy nest and back out into the world; it may be the impetus she needs.

 

10 years ago she would have been menopausal, her libido would have dipped then. I think you should investigate the effects of the menopause on women, perhaps that may give you a platform to start from.

Study Finds Viagra Works for Women - ABC News

 

Also does she know about your affair? If she does or suspects, that may explain why she has shut down on you.

[Bustoff]

She shut down long before my affair. The affair was with a mutual friend. A close friend. My wife doesn't know we had sex, and we only had sex twice. I didn't care for that sex. My wife broke off our friendship with the other woman. So no, I do not think that is a factor in her shutting down.

[elaine567]

My wife broke off our friendship with the other woman.

 

She knows you had sex.

[Phoenician]

I am sure that sex went out of the window befote your affair.

 

When a spouse is LD they cant feel urge to have

Intimacy ,for instance an LD wife do not feel intimacy urge

Just rhey dont.it is like u lent for chicken but u dont

Eat chicken anyway

 

Would u in this case feel any urge.my W on top of being

LD she is lazy and selfish.her bpd personality sucks ,it us black/white

Mode.

 

What i want to say is that her lack of desires means two

Possibilities :

She diesnt love u.

 

Or loves u the way as just a bridge to her security and

In an egoistic way. She is at least selfish do not respect

Ur feelings accordingly you.

 

Go divorce her a$$ and live a new life.

[Mr. Lucky]

The lack of sex is driving me nuts. I've tried talking to her, and I went to a counselor alone, because she wouldn't go. She has just shut off. Question is, do I leave and get a divororce just for this reason? I am at my wits end.Any help would be appreciated.

 

Is your wife open to ways you can still be married and satisfy your sexual interests outside the relationship? Have you discussed the possibility? Would you be interested in that?

 

Also, if separated/divorced, would you be looking for another monogamous relationship or just some late-in-life fun?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Josmatjes]

Is your wife open to ways you can still be married and satisfy your sexual interests outside the relationship? Have you discussed the possibility? Would you be interested in that?

 

Also, if separated/divorced, would you be looking for another monogamous relationship or just some late-in-life fun?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I would be open for that but he says no.

[Yasuandio]

I noticed you are getting some great feedback as I wrote my long post.

 

Elaine567 make a great point. You are only a shade older than I. Should you pick up and walk out the door (or file for divorce), I wanted to also point out out you must be prepared for the consequences. That is easily said, and easily read. I'm not sure such advice is always easily digested into consideration when the libido in calling.

 

I can tell you my marriage is over due to my libido. While most any human being would have understood what I did, and why I got involved in it (it is a long story, I won't go into here). I also had a shytt-load of rationalizations for what I did, as well, even God.

 

It took a long time for me to realize that I really created my own divorce and situation as it stands now. I wish I had it to do over again, I would have handled things much differently. I came to conclude that my former husband obvious conduct outside the marriage was not an excuse for what I did, nor was his withdrawal of affection. (I was successful in tricking him to admit to me that he had a woman - and he said it was my fault for not telling him to stop seeing her. Days after, once separated, I put more pieces together, and found signs, and old phone records, not absolute proof - common sense speaks to this, and naturally, he lied in Court).

 

On reflection, I wish I had been less focused on "sexless marriage," and the number of months adding up to a year, then two years. I also regret what became immature, sarcastic behavior on my part, demonstrating my anger. I was obnoxiously creative (as mentioned in another post on this topic), in expressing my dissatisfaction. I didn't take into consideration that such hijicks were not productive, and eventually, may have been considered emasculating. [if you indeed asked your wife if outside sexual relationships would be an acceptable alternative, I wonder, if that might be somewhat like my unproductive stunts and possibly a more dehumanizing request than you realized].

 

So, my anger and demands made things much worse. I finally gave up, and excepted it, and then the event took place that he found dishonored him. I'm sure that is true.

 

So, I have a divorce now. Maybe "I" needed one as my spouse was abusive. Nonetheless, like I said, I have learned, the hard way, no matter the circumstances, I used some poor judgment. It took years for me to figure that out, but Dobb's well-known book: "Love Must Be Tough," really got through to me post-divorce.

 

Before you walk out the door - I would get a copy of that book. That is the best advice I can give you, now that I have the endgame as an alternative. I hope you take this advice.

 

One last point I want to make:

 

Do not underestimate the mental and emotional effects of the affair on your wife, damage done, and perhaps not processed nor healed properly. She knows you are not being truthful about the sex. Women know. They wish not to believe it sometimes, but a woman surely knows you had sex if there was an affair. Telling your wife there was no sex in the affair was akin to treating her as a fool. On the other hand, stating you only had two non-gratifying sex encounters during the affair is like telling the Judge you only had two beers (might be a good idea to keep that information to yourself). You may have shot yourself in the foot - possibly, with the affair - sadly. And lack of sex before the affair is a rationalization - ala Dobbs.

 

Sometimes there is no coming back after a deed is done (whether the facts and evidence are completely confessed or not). It has occurred to me that I sub-consciously sabotaged my own marriage - I instinctively knew what he had been doing all those years. Eh, something to think about.

 

When you are divorced, you have a lot of time to think about things, I'll grant you that. Think carefully about each step you take, Sir (especially if you love your wife). I hope these thoughts and revelations are helpful. Yas

Edited May 12, 2015 by Yasuandio

[Bustoff]

I'm back. I need to take some time to read over the new responses. I appreciate the feedback. That's what I was hoping for.

My wife said that sex is usually painful for her AND she has a low level of desire.

Ok. But she still avoids even affection.

Divorce seems drastic. And I know I would be giving up a lot. I look forward to reading over this thread later tonight whrn there is time.

[Daisy2013]

 

What i want to say is that her lack of desires means two

Possibilities :

She diesnt love u.

 

Or loves u the way as just a bridge to her security and

In an egoistic way. She is at least selfish do not respect

Ur feelings accordingly you.

 

Go divorce her a$$ and live a new life.

 

I wish you peace with whatever you decide to do. I tend to agree with this quoted above. You deserve intimacy and a woman who desires you. One who loves and desires you will want to give you pleasure and will find ways even if sex is painful. She will want to make love with you, it will not be a duty for her. Your wife may love you in the sense of security and stability, but that's about it. That is a sad way to live in a marriage.

 

Also, how long was your affair? Do you love that woman and could you have a future with her? Why didn't you enjoy the sex with her?

Edited May 12, 2015 by Daisy2013
Questions

[Bustoff]

If she wanted intimacy she would find a way. She does not and hasn't for years. Yea. She probably believes I had sex with our friend. My question is, do I leave and ne free to look for what I want or do I stay for material security.

I am we preserved for my age. I ride 10 miles per day on my bike. A female coworker told me I could get another woman. I don't know why she said that. I never discussed any inkling of this with her. I'm just trying to decide if I should take that plunge

[Bustoff]

As a note. I didn't enjoy the sex in the affair because of the dishonesty and guilt. Otherwise it could have been very satisfying, and in fact, I thought that is what sex should be like.

[LifeNomad]

OP just some feedback, I have a friend who is married and she was cheated on multiple times by her hubby, he works out of town and is hardly home, she told me when he comes home she doesn't want anything physical/sexual with him because the times they try to be intimate she cant help but to think of the other women he slept with and its a big turnoff for her.

 

 

So just some insight in a females mind

[elaine567]

My wife said that sex is usually painful for her AND she has a low level of desire.

Menopause

 

Ok. But she still avoids even affection.

I guess she is scared affection leads to sex or a demand for sex or the assumption sex is on the cards. She doesn't want to stir you all up, to then reject you, easier to simply ignore the issue all together.

[elaine567]

OP just some feedback, I have a friend who is married and she was cheated on multiple times by her hubby, he works out of town and is hardly home, she told me when he comes home she doesn't want anything physical/sexual with him because the times they try to be intimate she cant help but to think of the other women he slept with and its a big turnoff for her.

 

^^^ this ^^^

[Bustoff]

Menopause

 

 

I guess she is scared affection leads to sex or a demand for sex or the assumption sex is on the cards. She doesn't want to stir you all up, to then reject you, easier to simply ignore the issue all together.

This is exactly what she tells me. Exactly. Almost word for word.

 

 

That affair happened years and years after the drought started. It could not have caused it. No way. And I don't think she knows about the sex.

[Bustoff]

If the tables were turned I do not see how I could reject her. There's other methods besides intercourse.

[MJJean]

If the tables were turned I do not see how I could reject her. There's other methods besides intercourse.

 

Have you asked her if she would be willing to resume normal affectionate touching and if you were to get stirred up would she be willing to use her hands or mouth to give you release?

 

Has she spoken to a doctor about sex being painful and asked if there is any treatment available to her?