Divorce because of lack of sex?

[elaine567]

This is exactly what she tells me. Exactly. Almost word for word.

 

 

That affair happened years and years after the drought started. It could not have caused it. No way. And I don't think she knows about the sex.

 

As I said before, this lack of sex, started 10 years ago when she was around 50, that is exactly the age when she would have been going through the menopause. Pain with Penetration, Sexual Side Effects of Menopause | The North American Menopause Society, NAMS

 

The affair - no woman who knows her husband is not getting sex at home, is going to believe there is no sex involved when he starts seeing another woman.

She may not KNOW, as in having proof, but she believe me she KNOWS.

[Be_Strong]

I know Bustoff you are 60, so what is your realistic dating value? Are you certain you could meet other women, who would give you the sex you desire?

Would you be swapping married life, companionship, comfortably off, nice house, looked after, albeit with no sex, for a single existence, smaller house/flat, wandering about by yourself, alone every night, and still no sex?

Dating is hard, I guess at 60 it will not be easy.

Being single and having the hope (even if slim) of potentially meeting someone new and having sex is eternally better than being trapped in a sexless marriage with no hope of ever having sex.

[Bustoff]

I guess I just need to take the plunge and go see a lawyer.

[elaine567]

Being single and having the hope (even if slim) of potentially meeting someone new and having sex is eternally better than being trapped in a sexless marriage with no hope of ever having sex.

 

My point being that he probably needs to first make a serious attempt to sort it out at home, rather than strike out for something that may be impossible for him to achieve.

BUT he appears to be adamant to divorce.

 

Ageing alone: Isolation and loneliness await growing number of men - Home News - UK - The Independent

[thestaircase]

I'm sorry, since this thread is on the topic of "Low/No Sex Drive" lead to no sex and it effect marriage, may I ask a question.

I'm not really sure if I understand the term "Low Sex drive" correctly. Please excuse me for English being my third language.

 

Also please pardon me for my sexually inexperience, because sexually I only have one guy that is my husband.

But from what I know 'low/no sex drive' is the mind state. The women with low/no sex drive means in their mind have No desire to have sex.

 

But it not really a problem that the wife have lower sex drive than their husband. It is a problem when the wife reject sex, NOT give their husband sex.

 

I use myself as an example:

My husband sex drive is high, much higher than mine. But when ever he initiates sex/when he wants sex, I give it to him regardless.

He's happy, as long as he get sex from his wife. Eventhough my sex drive is much lower than him, but I don't hold off sex.

 

Frankly, my husband doesn't care that my sex drive is 'lower', as long as he get sex when he wants sex, then it all good to him.

In my situation, husband want sex, I get arouse, we have sex. Husband orgasm everytime, I orgasm too.

So what is the problem here that my sex drive is 'lower' than my him?

 

I think in general, women sex drive is mostly LOWER than men sex drive. It isn't much of a problem, unless the woman low sex drive meaning she NOT giving her man sex.

 

I considered myself to be a woman that have much lower sex drive than my husband, but why my husband doesn't see it as a problem? Everytime he needs sex, I give him sex. It doesn't seem like he care that my sex drive is low.

I'm kindda confuse...

Edited May 13, 2015 by thestairs

[elaine567]

I considered myself to be a woman that have much lower sex drive than my husband, but why my husband doesn't see it as a problem? Everytime he needs sex, I give him sex. It doesn't seem like he care that my sex drive is low.

I'm kindda confuse...

 

The OPs wife went through the menopause, so sex became very painful (very common due to lack of oestrogen) and so the frequency of intercourse understandably dropped.

Unfortunately, she did not seek help for the condition.

[No Limit]

She shut down long before my affair. The affair was with a mutual friend. A close friend. My wife doesn't know we had sex, and we only had sex twice. I didn't care for that sex. My wife broke off our friendship with the other woman. So no, I do not think that is a factor in her shutting down.

 

Now that explains it pretty well. And honestly, how stupid do you believe your wife to be?

[SoleMate]

Please read the Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis. This is a complex problem and needs careful, thorough responses by both of you.

[Bustoff]

I requested a copy of the book from the library.

I really don't think the affair had anything to do with her attitude. Somebody we know offers me a quickie after I hadn't had any for a long time. That was it.

[elaine567]

I requested a copy of the book from the library.

I really don't think the affair had anything to do with her attitude. Somebody we know offers me a quickie after I hadn't had any for a long time. That was it.

 

How did that woman know, you hadn't had any for a long time?

[hoping4love]

Bustoff:

This is why I'm divorced. But to be honest after much introspection on myself and the relationship, it was about more than sex. Originally, I would say everything is great except the lack of sex. After years of hearing the various reasons-medical, psychological, lack of time, etc.--you name it, I heard it--I realized it wasn't just about sex. If my ex husband at any point in the marriage said something we were doing or not doing in this case, was causing him to feel sad, depressed, lonely and unloved, I would have done everything in my power to change that. When I finally looked at how many years had gone by, how many excuses and he had done as little as possible to make any real, sustained change, I realized this was about more than sex. He was not committed to our relationship, our marriage and his love for me did not include the willingness to consider my happiness or feelings as important enough to change. That the vows of "to have and to hold" matter and would continue to be broken by him. At that point, I decided this was not how I wanted to live my life. With that realization, I no longer felt any guilt about considering a divorce "just" because of sex. The divorce became about my right to find my happiness and possibly a healthy, loving relationship.

 

Disclaimer: I'm not saying you should get a divorce. Obviously, only you can decide that. But perhaps, rather than looking at it from the perspective of it only being about sex, look at it from the perspective of "Why isn't she willing to change it?"

[Bustoff]

Bustoff:

This is why I'm divorced. But to be honest after much introspection on myself and the relationship, it was about more than sex. Originally, I would say everything is great except the lack of sex. After years of hearing the various reasons-medical, psychological, lack of time, etc.--you name it, I heard it--I realized it wasn't just about sex. If my ex husband at any point in the marriage said something we were doing or not doing in this case, was causing him to feel sad, depressed, lonely and unloved, I would have done everything in my power to change that. When I finally looked at how many years had gone by, how many excuses and he had done as little as possible to make any real, sustained change, I realized this was about more than sex. He was not committed to our relationship, our marriage and his love for me did not include the willingness to consider my happiness or feelings as important enough to change. That the vows of "to have and to hold" matter and would continue to be broken by him. At that point, I decided this was not how I wanted to live my life. With that realization, I no longer felt any guilt about considering a divorce "just" because of sex. The divorce became about my right to find my happiness and possibly a healthy, loving relationship.

 

Disclaimer: I'm not saying you should get a divorce. Obviously, only you can decide that. But perhaps, rather than looking at it from the perspective of it only being about sex, look at it from the perspective of "Why isn't she willing to change it?"

 

 

I suspect this is an accurate assessment of my marriage. "Why won't she take this problem seriously? Why won't she go to counseling?"

I think we are both in this marriage out of convenience. I'm a self-propelled fix-it appliance with a paycheck. We get along because we have very similar personalities. We're both quiet people, and we are into our own lives in an intense way. We don't intrude upon each other. In a way it works out - except for me, the lack of sex and companionship is a problem.

I hesitated mentioning the affair. It was just another attempt by me to find a solution to this problem, but it didn't work. I think there are some people who have been cheated on and they focus in on the affair thing and project a lot into it that just isn't there in my case.

I am very active, I keep up my social contacts, and I take care of myself. She works and watches tv and smokes and likes to be left alone.

I requested that book from the library and I'm going to read it. If she won't read it then I'll know she just doesn't care.

[LifeNomad]

sometimes we have to put our foot down and she needs to know we mean it, or at least think we do

 

 

most people would probably not recommend giving an ultimatum but if I put myself in your situation I would just tell her you have needs that need to be met and if she cant meet them you will have them met somewhere else, once she starts throwing her tantrum then let her know the only other option is divorce, because you don't want to go around behind her back.

 

 

Obviously take it easy, "I have needs as a man, and this is what they are--********, I want you to help me and be there for me, I know you have needs to and things you would appreciate from me, please tell me what they are and I will work towards being a better person for you, if you cannot fulfill those needs I will have either those needs met elsewhere or am considering divorce"

 

 

And from there the cats out of the bag and one way or the other it should be a downhill process.

 

 

some women don't understand sex is a real need for men, we need it, theres only so much "self alleviating" we can do, its something that we need and at times its what drives men to cheat on their spouse. (not all men of course, but some, some cheat regardless)

[Methodical]

Let's say hubs was no longer interested in sex, we would have a heart to heart discussion and I'd find out why. If there was a medical issue, I'd be supportive *provided* he put forth effort to help himself. Sticking his head in the sand and denying a problem, such as ED, existed would irritate me. If he no longer found me attractive, we'd separate, period. I could not live a life where looking in the mirror would crush my self-esteem.

 

I'll go so far as to say if I was in an accident that left me unable to take care of his physical needs, I wouldn't expect him to become celibate for the remainder of his life. I'd want him to have a fulfilling life and if that meant seeking sex outside our marriage then so be it. Forced into a celibate lifestyle breeds resentment and I wouldn't want that for either of us.

[Bustoff]

I have asked myself, " is sex really that important?" All I know is I still have a strong sex drive and I get frustrated, and sometimes angry without it. Am I weird? I mean, that's not the kind of question you go around asking people.

[Methodical]

Sexual activity is HIGH on my list so I don't think it's weird at all .

[lolablue17]

Maybe your wife is stuck in a situation where it's not good, but not totally bad, and she lives in some convenience maintenance routine which doesn't urge her to solve her miseries.

 

So I advice you to start the process of divorce, but make a lot of noise with it. Tell her that you're going to see a lawyer. Tell her that you've reached the understanding that she doesn't love you anymore, and it's painful for you, I you think you should leave. Publish (to her) every move you make.

 

She might accept it, or she might get into a distress zone, starting doing something... and maybe, just maybe this something will be saving your marriage by making some changes...

[oldshirt]

I have asked myself, " is sex really that important?" All I know is I still have a strong sex drive and I get frustrated, and sometimes angry without it. Am I weird? I mean, that's not the kind of question you go around asking people.

 

Romance/sexuality is a critical component of life IMHO. And it's one thing that is supposed to come from our special someone and them alone.

 

 

I already have work buddies and fishing buddies and poker buddies and good neighbors, good friends and close and extended relatives. I don't need just a roommate.

 

 

If your special someone has no interest or desire in romance/sexuality, then they are just another friend and buddy or roommate. They are no longer "special."

 

 

I think everyone has a right to have a special someone in their life and to pursue that component in their life. If their current spouse no longer wants sexual relationship, that is their right and their prerogative. But it is your right to leave them behind in pursuit of that component.

 

 

IMO if a spouse no longer wishes to have a sexual relationship, that is their right but they must also realize that the other person has a right to seek that and that there is a realistic chance that they will get left behind.

And if they no longer wish a sexual relationship, I think the denying spouse should either make a sincere, good faith effort to either step up to the plate or get out of the way and let the other person go in peace and not fight the divorce.

 

 

I don't however think that affairs are the answer. The only true long term solutions are either try to work out the issues that is causing the other person to lose desire and try to get back their attraction and desire. Or divorce as amicably as possible and move on in search of someone else.

[Bustoff]

After getting rejected so much I don't even know if I want it - from her - anymore.

[RoseVille]

I have asked myself, " is sex really that important?" All I know is I still have a strong sex drive and I get frustrated, and sometimes angry without it. Am I weird? I mean, that's not the kind of question you go around asking people.

 

No, you're not weird. Sex really is that important to many people.

[Mittens]

After getting rejected so much I don't even know if I want it - from her - anymore.

 

Exactly what happened with me. After being rejected/putting up with bad selfish sex from my husband for so many years, I just plain didn't want it with him anymore. On the very few times we had it, it was all about his pleasure...once he was 'finished' so was the sex.

 

So after 5 years of this (and a total of 11 together) when someone showed sexual interest in me I didn't hesitate. I didn't feel guilty about it then, and I still don't 9 years later. I ended the marriage and moved on.

[autumnnight]

Please read the Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis. This is a complex problem and needs careful, thorough responses by both of you.

 

This is a good book. Note her use of the word BOTH.

 

In other words, you can memorize a thousand marital books. If your wife won't step up too, then it is all for naught.

 

I was the sex-starved spouse. All I will say is that, even past my "prime shelf life" (whatever the hooey that means), deciding to end the marriage was the best decision I ever made.

 

People who do not care enough about sex to have lived through the tortue of a SSM cannot possibly fathom the pain.

[autumnnight]

After getting rejected so much I don't even know if I want it - from her - anymore.

 

I got to that point. It wouldn't have mattered if he had become The Love Doctor. Too much rejection and water under the bridge. My love, desire, attraction, and respect for him was dead.