mrv59 Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 I recently help throw a bachelor party for one of my best friends. I had told my wife all were planning for the weekend, Golf and cookout with a pub tour. There were about 15 guys there and during the afternoon, there was a consensus that we should hire a stripper to come to the house and dance for the bachelor. The strippers showed up and danced for bachelor and left, They were there about 30 minutes, they left and a bunch of the guys decided to go to a strip club. I did not go with them because I knew I had to get up early the next morning to make it home for my wives birthday, (I know, Bad idea to even go on her birthday weekend). When I awoke in the morning I discovered that my wife went through my email and found out that we hired the strippers for the bachelor. She is devastated because I lied to her and is threatening me with a divorce. I don't know what to do or how I can make it better. Even though I didn't participate with any dancer or do anything, I guess I should have told her, I didn't because I wasn't sure how she would react and thought it would be OK since they were just coming for the bachelor. She told me she hated me and could no longer trust me and now I am physically sick over it. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 How was your sex life before this happened? If it was great, beg forgiveness and try to reconcile. If not, let her go as she is very uptight, judgmental, and does not trust you when you said you did not participate in any bad behavior. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 She is threatening you with divorce? That is no way to resolve a conflict. If she truly wants a divorce then it's unlikely that this is the only issue, and there's precious little you can do to prevent it. If she's using the threat of divorce as a manipulation tactic then I say call her bluff. So in both cases the response should be "you want a divorce? OK then file" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 After you knew about the stripper did you affirmatively tell your wife there would be no stripper? I can see why she'd be mad about the lie. Her behavior threatening you with divorce is problematic but a mea culpa & some apology flowers ought to at least get you a civilized discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrv59 Posted May 11, 2015 Author Share Posted May 11, 2015 I never told her there were no strippers. I talked to her earlier in the evening and she jokingly said, "sure you're not at a strip club" and I told her no because we weren't. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 tell her your sorry and there was no stripper at first but then everyone wanted it so peer pressure you fell victim to peer pressure. honestly if she loves you and wants to be with you she will forgive its not like you cheated (you didndt cheat right?) kiss her butt 1000 times and let her KNOW that you are sorry but if there was another underlying reason and she just wanted an excuse to do the divorce/separation then this is prob it. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 but if there was another underlying reason and she just wanted an excuse to do the divorce/separation then this is prob it. It's my feeling just from reading this that your wife was looking for an excuse to go for a divorce. Otherwise, why was she snooping in your e-mail to begin with? She didn't trust you, or there is something else going on, either in her head or in her life, that is pushing her in this direction. In my opinion, going by what you wrote, that's an awfully flimsy reason to seek a divorce. I would suspect that there is more going on in her head. I'm not sure that I would call her bluff, because if she wants a divorce, that's exactly what she is hoping you will do. I think I would attempt to discover the underlying reasons why she's ended up in this position, and why she was snooping in your email, etc. I think a heart to heart talk with her, and/or marriage counseling might be a good next step, if you actually want to save your marriage. If she's only using the threat of divorce as a tactic to get what she wants from you, that's really childish and manipulative and no way to run a marriage, IMO. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrv59 Posted May 11, 2015 Author Share Posted May 11, 2015 definitely no cheating, I did not even participate with strippers, they were there strictly for bachelor. She is upset over the fact that I did not tell her, which at the time I thought was fine because I thought no need to upset her when I am not going to be directly involved with them. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 The truth is better then protecting her / not upsetting her. This is fixable. Again, call a florist. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 Wives, gfs, strippers and bachelor parties just do not mix well. There are enough stories circulating about grinding, groping and every guy getting laid by strippers, for her to be livid and very upset. There is also the "what happens at the bachelor party stays at the bachelor party" attitude amongst some men too, so she will be on high alert. Add some lying/omission to the mix, as in your case and you are in deep water. From the golf, cooking and drinking you told her about ie acceptable in her eyes, it turned sexual as soon as strippers were involved, which may or may not have been acceptable in her eyes BUT you hid that from her, so that is very highly suspect. She may be bluffing re the divorce, but if she really thinks this is the last straw, then an attorney may be your next step. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 definitely no cheating, I did not even participate with strippers, they were there strictly for bachelor. She is upset over the fact that I did not tell her, which at the time I thought was fine because I thought no need to upset her when I am not going to be directly involved with them. This seems like at least a lie of omission so I understand her frustration. Though I agree with other posters, her reaction seems overboard and based on a different agenda. What is the current state of discussion? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 Why was your wife going through your e-mail? Why is she wanting a divorce so badly? Sounds fishy to me. Cheaters tend to project their own behavior on others... 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 Ok, so maybe you should have told her there were strippers or whatever . But DIVORCE !!! Give me a break. Like I think NO LIMIT just said , sometimes cheaters take the offensive and do the accusing tomcover up their own behavior. And for her to even bring this up , I am assuming your wife never had been to a bachelorette party where they are grabbing dicks and giving blow jobs. But for some reason that in some people's minds falls into the category of just "good old girls fun". For your wife to be screaming divorce over what you have described here indicates either she is absolutely off her rocker or there is something going on with your marriage that you are clueless about. If she wants a divorce over what you described , your best bet is to accommodate her as quickly as possible Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 She is upset over the fact that I did not tell her, which at the time I thought was fine because I thought no need to upset her when I am not going to be directly involved with them. Try saying to her some version of, "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to have a maybe over-the-top reaction that was going to upset me. I was dishonest/not fully truthful with you, to protect my own wants/comfort of the moment. And I am really, truly sorry that I didn't even see it at the time." Even if you don't see that, right now, say it anyway . And promise her that you are not going to do that ever again. And then learn how to not, ever again, confuse the two...you meeting your own wants while pretending that it has something to do with protecting your wife's feelings and/or "not upsetting" her. Give her back something of yourself that is solid, stable, honest and decent...and that she can trust. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 Hire a lawyer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I recently help throw a bachelor party for one of my best friends. I had told my wife all were planning for the weekend, Golf and cookout with a pub tour. There were about 15 guys there and during the afternoon, there was a consensus that we should hire a stripper to come to the house and dance for the bachelor. The strippers showed up and danced for bachelor and left, They were there about 30 minutes, they left and a bunch of the guys decided to go to a strip club. I did not go with them because I knew I had to get up early the next morning to make it home for my wives birthday, (I know, Bad idea to even go on her birthday weekend). When I awoke in the morning I discovered that my wife went through my email and found out that we hired the strippers for the bachelor. She is devastated because I lied to her and is threatening me with a divorce. I don't know what to do or how I can make it better. Even though I didn't participate with any dancer or do anything, I guess I should have told her, I didn't because I wasn't sure how she would react and thought it would be OK since they were just coming for the bachelor. She told me she hated me and could no longer trust me and now I am physically sick over it. What should I do? Yeah, being conflict-avoidant has killed many relationships. Successful partnerships require communication and consideration. If you wanted to find out how she would react, you ASK. Now you know. I would divorce as well. Trust is gone. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I never told her there were no strippers. I talked to her earlier in the evening and she jokingly said, "sure you're not at a strip club" and I told her no because we weren't. *facepalm* Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 honestly if she loves you and wants to be with you she will forgive its not like you cheated (you didndt cheat right?) kiss her butt 1000 times and let her KNOW that you are sorry I disagree with this. Sorry for what? For being 1 of 15 guys at a bachelor party that had a stripper. Wow how many extra divorces would there be a year around the world over this common scenario....5-10 million? Can he divorce her for enjoying watching the movie Magic Mike. What about divorcing for looking at a Penthouse magazine or online porn. imo her has done nothing wrong to kiss butt once let alone a 1000 times for. If she can have him do that over this, she will have the upper hand on him in the relationship going forward and be reminded of anytime she is unhappy and him for some transgressions in the future and him having to suck up to her again and take her on a shopping spree to keep her forgiveness. If he promised not to go to strip joint and then went, I could understand her being angry, but even then with that, to threaten divorce is way OTT. I think he should be angry that she has threatened him with divorce over this issue. How deep is her love for him, that she is prepared to burn the marriage at a snap over this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Her looking at your private messages is not okay, Imo. Clearly there were trust issues on her side to make her check. Unless she always does this, which is also not okay. But I guess each couple has their own guidelines about privacy and if they are allowed any. Jmo bachelor/ette parties are stupid and cause more trouble than fun in many cases. People of both sexes can't seem to handle drinking/partying and maybe a stripper. I wish the custom would just go away. I am sure people lie about what goes on all the time, or lie by omission. Hoping she is not serious about divorce, if you did not have other marital issues, though it seems there must have been since she was snooping and reacted in this over the top way. Good luck... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Her looking at your private messages is not okay, Imo. Clearly there were trust issues on her side to make her check. Unless she always does this, which is also not okay. But I guess each couple has their own guidelines about privacy and if they are allowed any. Jmo bachelor/ette parties are stupid and cause more trouble than fun in many cases. People of both sexes can't seem to handle drinking/partying and maybe a stripper. I wish the custom would just go away. I am sure people lie about what goes on all the time, or lie by omission. Hoping she is not serious about divorce, if you did not have other marital issues, though it seems there must have been since she was snooping and reacted in this over the top way. Good luck... I agree with this post. This type of event is this type of event, period. There is no way to "pretty up" a typical Bachelor Party. Certain entertainment is expected, sometimes parties get out of control - that happens. Firstly, OP was given permission to attend/participate in the event - so, the wife is limited at that point in controlling the entertainment selection, and direction the party takes as it proceeds. Case closed on the party. From now on, wife should try not to sanction husband's attendance and participation in Bachelor Parties if she does not approve of such events. End of story. Here is where I see a real issue - as other LS members, too, have mentioned. There would not have been any problem had wife not invaded husband's privacy. Clearly, if there was something he was ashamed of, guilty of, or hiding in the email, he would have deleted it, like duh. So, I think husband is the person who should be upset that he is suddenly not trusted, and his email was cracked, and his entire life as he knows it is being threatened - over a silly entertainment issue that everyone knows goes on at these Bachelor Parties. The lie of omission wife finally obtained was captured by a form of entrapment, as I see it (the police are not even allowed to use such a method). Divorce threat? Over this nonsense? Come on. There is something else going on in this woman's head, as other smart LSer's have detected. Her response is like so over the top it is pathetic. If I was in this husband's shoes, I would always be concerned about what move I make, that it might be misconstrued - and that threat might get in my face again. That threat of divorce was totally uncool - and makes for an insecure future marital partnership. She needs to take that back, and eat it. Finally, I'm with "No Limit" on the "projection angle. Been there, seen it, have the T-Shirt. I would reverse the PI work, and find out what the heck is going on, in reality. If you can work it out, you might want to avoid those type of parties in the future. You are a married man, after all. That point made, it does not release your wife from the hook in my analysis of situation. Guys are guys. Wives need to comprehend this fact. Just my take. Hope this helps. Yas 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BeingMe Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 Has there been any cheating and/or flirting with others previously? You see, the checking etc and the ultimatum....sounds more like something an already betrayed wife might say. Of have you previously agreed that strippers count as cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 I disagree with this. Sorry for what? For being 1 of 15 guys at a bachelor party that had a stripper. Wow how many extra divorces would there be a year around the world over this common scenario....5-10 million? Can he divorce her for enjoying watching the movie Magic Mike. What about divorcing for looking at a Penthouse magazine or online porn. imo her has done nothing wrong to kiss butt once let alone a 1000 times for. If she can have him do that over this, she will have the upper hand on him in the relationship going forward and be reminded of anytime she is unhappy and him for some transgressions in the future and him having to suck up to her again and take her on a shopping spree to keep her forgiveness. If he promised not to go to strip joint and then went, I could understand her being angry, but even then with that, to threaten divorce is way OTT. I think he should be angry that she has threatened him with divorce over this issue. How deep is her love for him, that she is prepared to burn the marriage at a snap over this. sorry for purposely misleading her. if you want to get really technical he didn't lie to her because she asked if he was at a strip club when he wasn't, but then again if were being technical, by her asking if he was at a strip he already knew what she was "really asking" and if he knew he wasn't doing anything wrong he would've told her they were gonna have strippers. Im just putting myself in his shoes here, saying something like that is something that a lot of us (including me) would do and probably do however the goal is not getting caught. Once were caught the best course of action is to apologize to her. As far as the divorce I def don't think its even remotely worth something close that would make him sleep on the couch. btw I didn't say or imply there was anything wrong with being around strippers, its the fact he misled her purposely Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 If she's threatening divorce over this, give it to her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Trishern Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 I think she's overreacting personally. If she asked you outright and you said there were no strippers, or there would be no strippers, then that's not good. She may be thinking that you lied for a reason. Is it the fact that a stripper was there, or the fact that you lied that is bothering her? I agree with other, that divorce as already on her mind. Mrs. Trishern Link to post Share on other sites
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