a change for our A.

[Gotthetshirt]

Hi

I'm new to your forum and have a situation I'd like some insight from others who may have experience in this matter.

MM and I have been seeing each other about a yr now. Things have been good between us,a few disagreements,2 splits.

 

Last wk we didn't have much communication due to his w being home,which was pointed out before hand.

Fast fwd to yesterday. I didn't hear from him after a few morning texts. I sent him a text in late afternoon,no reply until evening from him.

 

He did say he was busy and wasn't able to text earlier.I understand we all get busy but come on it takes 2 seconds to send a text say I'm busy but will text you later.

 

So, I offered up a solution to our communication issues. I said its not fair to either of us to be waiting for a reply and let's just do this...we let each other know when our spouses will be home and we don't text.

He replied with a "whatever you want" and you know this will lessen our talks.

 

(Duh) and it will lessen our spouses suspicions.

Since HE mentioned taking preventive measures because of our frequent texting. I was offering a plan and he is now acting pissy about it.

 

I just don't get it...I guess its because I conjured up the idea and not him.

He also said ,let me know when H is home so I don't disturb you.

 

I'm a little bit pissed today because of his attitude!

 

[Sub]

Without much to go on regarding what type of R you have, I'd say there's a chance he's pulling away. You may be a little sensitive about text reply times. Unless it's something time sensitive or my W, I may take a while to text back as well. Sometimes a day or so. Waiting from late afternoon to evening seems very, very minor. He may see this, and the accompanying rules, as no fun. He probably thinks he has someone at home to badger him about something that's relatively trivial.

[Grapesofwrath]

My guess is that he thought you were making a big deal out of nothing. When you're in an A, you text when you can do so without raising suspicion. You never know what is happening on the other end of the conversation, and that's true regardless of who you are texting. Who knows what was happening on his end. Taking a few hours to respond is par for the course for most people.

[RoseVille]

In the beginning of my A, MM would text me back within 10 minutes, always. But, he's glued to his phone. He would often initiate. If we started texting, it would turn into a back and forth that went on for hours. Towards the end, he asked that we limit the texting on the weekends and evenings when he's with his family, which meant NO texting on weekends or evenings. Then he called it quits entirely.

 

I would have found waiting that long to hear back strange, too. But only because of the pattern we'd set up. But even still, I would never have commented on it if it changed, because I knew that he likely had other stuff going on...

Edited May 12, 2015 by RoseVille

[Poppy47]

I tried all kinds of rules with MM for 7 years and it still didn't work out to be satisfactory.

 

It just can't. An affair is fraught with uncertainty, jealousy and a whole cart load of other issues. It's dysfunctional, no matter how great the sex and the feeling of connection.

 

Poppy.

[Adoraxx]

Thing is, and I'm only speaking from my own experience obviously , is that they set up a pattern. It doesn't really matter what kind of pattern it is. Some are used to receiving daily good morning texts, some are used to texting throughout the day, others don't text at all but will receive a daily phone call or whatever.

 

So there is some kind of pattern. And in my case, I could ALWAYS pinpoint when the MM's interest in me started to wane again. One morning I would NOT receive a good morning email for example. Or he would stop calling me daily.

 

Tiny changes, but if you've been with someone for a longer period of time , you start to recognize the pattern.

 

And sure, someone can be busy but 99% of the time it was the first signal that the MM had started his 'devaluing & discarding' process again.

 

Of course this is NOT always the case, but in our situation it was.

 

In the case of the OP, probably I wouldn't have said something right away but I would have waited until it happens again. And I do agree that it's not too much to ask to send a 'I'm busy' text. It can be done in 2 secs

[still_an_Angel]

Don't be sensitive about it until you've talked to him. Sometimes text messages come across differently from what the person meant and even more different for the person reading it. He is at home and being careful, as he should be if he wants to continue having an A with you, it takes only one slip up for this whole thing to blow up. You guys should set up text codes that looks innocent even if either of your spouses read it. My MM and myself have such codes that I use when I have to text him urgently and I know its his home or family time. Only he would know what they mean.

[GirlStillStrong]

Maybe sending a text message to give you a heads-up that wife is home so he cannot text you is too direct an admission that he is hiding the truth from her. Perhaps he prefers to keep his head in the clouds and just not admit what he is really doing.

[Popsicle]

Maybe sending a text message to give you a heads-up that wife is home so he cannot text you is too direct an admission that he is hiding the truth from her. Perhaps he prefers to keep his head in the clouds and just not admit what he is really doing.

 

This is what I believe it is. It's unromantic to do what you asked.

[RoseVille]

Yeah, I wouldn't be down with any of that code business, letting me know he's with his W. I'd rather just assume that evenings and weekends are off limits.

[Got it]

Sorry a high maintenance OW here. I expected communication based on our pattern of a lot of communication. And if one can't communicate then you should indicate so. Nothing chaps my hide more when people leave you hanging especially when they have read the text.

 

I agree that texting can be misread and so you might be reading into it. Bring it up in a face to face discussion and work it out.

 

But this thing is an issue even when they become husbands! lol. My MM/husband gets harped on for not giving me a head's up when he is leaving work even when he knows he is supposed to. He just gets myopic on other things. I think I harp more on this now than I did in the affair. He definitely jumped through more hoops in the affair and was on best best behavior!

[goodyblue]

I just do not understand why OW feel they do not have a right to demand certain things. If a text, email, phone call is what you are used to, is your pattern, then you have the right to expect it. I don't want to hear about being the side piece or second fiddle and having no right to demand things that are necessary for your happiness. He is engaging in a relationship with you and if he wants to change the rules, it is only right to give a heads up.

[violet1]

I just do not understand why OW feel they do not have a right to demand certain things. If a text, email, phone call is what you are used to, is your pattern, then you have the right to expect it. I don't want to hear about being the side piece or second fiddle and having no right to demand things that are necessary for your happiness. He is engaging in a relationship with you and if he wants to change the rules, it is only right to give a heads up.

^^This I completely agree with. An affair might not be a normal or moral relationship, but it's still a relationship. If one person isn't happy then they have every right to express their concern. With my exMM, we communicated all day and everyday. The problem with constant communication though is that you naturally get sloppy or too comfortable. That's exactly how I got caught. I fell asleep with my secret app open and my H saw some very racy messages.

[goodyblue]

^^This I completely agree with. An affair might not be a normal or moral relationship, but it's still a relationship. If one person isn't happy then they have every right to express their concern. With my exMM, we communicated all day and everyday. The problem with constant communication though is that you naturally get sloppy or too comfortable. That's exactly how I got caught. I fell asleep with my secret app open and my H saw some very racy messages.

 

I think people get sloppy no matter how much you are in touch. My feeling is the longer the affair goes on the more comfortable you get and that is when sloppiness happens. It had to have been tough to be caught like that. You prepare for it, try to plan what your response will be, but it never prepares you enough!!

 

I communicated with my guy constantly during the affair. First person I talked to in the morning, all day texts, phone calls, last person I talked to at night. Since our affair went legit relationship things are about the same as far as communication... He actually just brought me a coffee and a kiss between his clients , and if it ever changes I will let him know if it bugs me. But, I am a needy cry baby so he knows I need communication.

[sandylee1]

I just do not understand why OW feel they do not have a right to demand certain things. If a text, email, phone call is what you are used to, is your pattern, then you have the right to expect it. I don't want to hear about being the side piece or second fiddle and having no right to demand things that are necessary for your happiness. He is engaging in a relationship with you and if he wants to change the rules, it is only right to give a heads up.

 

The thing is it's NOT the same as a 'normal ' relationship. You don't quite know what your MM is doing at home that makes him unable to respond. Sorry to say, but the things you don't want to hear are true.

 

I bet if most MM get a text from the wife when he's with OW , he responds quickly. It's par for the course and having high hopes will leave you rather disappointed.

 

If he keeps his phone glued to him, it can make the wife suspicious. Lots of spouses have passwords to each others device's as well. Many wives get suspicious if the H doesn't look at his phone when a text comes through. It makes them feel he wants to check his phone in private. If he puts the phone on silent, then he might forget to check the phone.

 

MM are very good at compartmentalising, so probably when he gets home, you're somehow placed in a box. That's his coping mechanism. He puts you at the back of his mind when he's with the wife and vice versa.

 

Leading this double life doesn't come easy for everyone and he clearly doesn't want to get busted.

 

Truth is, it's not only people in affairs that can be poor at responding to texts quickly, but if you're the OW, you naturally become a bit tense.

[Sub]

Communication is always good in an R. But start throwing around words like "demands" and "rules", and a lot of people may find that overbearing. Even if there is a set pattern, sh*t happens. People have meetings. People are active, doing things other than holding their phones. We're all still individuals. Even in a M, I don't think I have to know where my W is or what she's doing at all times. If I need her for something in a timely manner, I'll call her. And vice versa. This may be an unpopular thing to say here, but maybe it's a bit of insecurity from being in the role of OW that leads to "demands" and "rules".

[Grapesofwrath]

Yeah, I wouldn't be down with any of that code business, letting me know he's with his W. I'd rather just assume that evenings and weekends are off limits.

 

My xMM and I had "rules" that, if he texted me when he was at home, I had 30 min to respond. If it was more than 30, I should hold off because it wasn't "safe." He would also sometimes text me and write "OW" at the end, which stood for "one way." (Of course, I read it as something else entirely). That meant I should not respond at all because his wife was around. I think he meant these texts to make me feel good, i.e. that he was thinking of me on the weekends or at home with his family. They did not. Rather, quite the opposite.

[goodyblue]

The thing is it's NOT the same as a 'normal ' relationship. You don't quite know what your MM is doing at home that makes him unable to respond. Sorry to say, but the things you don't want to hear are true.

 

I bet if most MM get a text from the wife when he's with OW , he responds quickly. It's par for the course and having high hopes will leave you rather disappointed.

 

If he keeps his phone glued to him, it can make the wife suspicious. Lots of spouses have passwords to each others device's as well. Many wives get suspicious if the H doesn't look at his phone when a text comes through. It makes them feel he wants to check his phone in private. If he puts the phone on silent, then he might forget to check the phone.

 

MM are very good at compartmentalising, so probably when he gets home, you're somehow placed in a box. That's his coping mechanism. He puts you at the back of his mind when he's with the wife and vice versa.

 

Leading this double life doesn't come easy for everyone and he clearly doesn't want to get busted.

 

Truth is, it's not only people in affairs that can be poor at responding to texts quickly, but if you're the OW, you naturally become a bit tense.

 

It may not be a conventional relationship but it IS a relationship whether you like it or not, Sandy. Having boundaries and parameters is perfectly okay. If they usually talk at a certain time and he suddenly stops doing that, she has every right to know why and to have her list of what she will accept in his behavior or not accept. Even if it means she will walk if he won't comply.

 

And I agree, leading a double life would be difficult. I have never cheated on anyone so I would not know, and it was horrible for my guy, which is why be left his ex.

Edited May 12, 2015 by goodyblue

[violet1]

Communication is always good in an R. But start throwing around words like "demands" and "rules", and a lot of people may find that overbearing. Even if there is a set pattern, sh*t happens. People have meetings. People are active, doing things other than holding their phones. We're all still individuals. Even in a M, I don't think I have to know where my W is or what she's doing at all times. If I need her for something in a timely manner, I'll call her. And vice versa. This may be an unpopular thing to say here, but maybe it's a bit of insecurity from being in the role of OW that leads to "demands" and "rules".

If both AP's are married and don't want to get caught, there has to be some sort of guidelines that both people follow. A's are relationships, but they can't be compared or treated like a normal dating relationship or marriage. There is a lot of planning when it comes to an A. Both people can't just hang out or call at any time. That's what IMO makes A's hard. Nothing (at least in my situation) is spontaneous. You always have to keep your AP at arms length to protect yourself from getting hurt. Way too much work! I'm so glad I'm no longer in an affair.

[Sub]

If both AP's are married and don't want to get caught, there has to be some sort of guidelines that both people follow. A's are relationships, but they can't be compared or treated like a normal dating relationship or marriage.

 

I understand the need for guidelines, but I don't think that means you sacrifice a certain level of understanding and patience for the sake of them. I would think the fact that it's not a conventional R, like you said, would call for more flexibility, not less, based on what's at stake. The guy's married. Maybe he has kids, too. There are a host of unexpected responsibilities that could keep someone in that position from their phone at various times. Maybe the need for planning and the difficulty of the A itself bring about hypersensitivity.

[Babs22]

I think relationships do evolve and change, even As. I have been in an A for over 2 years. As far as texting goes, things look very different from the way it started. Initially, there was lots of texting, at work, in the evenings, on weekends. Slowly things began to change. I think we see each other more now than in the beginning, but we text each other far less. We walk/exercise every day after work. We are usually together for 1.5 hours daily doing this. Then we each go back to our own homes. We are both married so maybe this is different than if I was a S OW. We rarely, if ever text in the evening now. And we text much less during the work day or on the weekends. I wouldn't say this change happened over night, it was a gradual thing and I think I had more difficulty with this reduced contact than he did. We never actually talked about the change, it just happened over time.

 

The only code we ever made was very early in our R. He said, if we couldn't text we would send PBJ to the other person. I have never sent PBJ. He has sent PBJ maybe 10 times or less. Usually, it is a scenario where they are in the car driving a long distance, or he had to let her use the phone. If I saw PBJ, I ceased any texting until he contacted me again, usually within a few hours.

[Hope Shimmers]

My situation was a little different, but I wouldn't put up with it. If there would have been communication restrictions I would have walked. He knew it. Even after he went back to her, when I was in the limbo "affair" portion of it, I called and texted when I wanted and he answered and did the same.

 

For years we would average 100+ texts a day (or more) and 10,000+ cell minutes a month.

[sandylee1]

It may not be a conventional relationship but it IS a relationship whether you like it or not, Sandy. Having boundaries and parameters is perfectly okay. If they usually talk at a certain time and he suddenly stops doing that, she has every right to know why and to have her list of what she will accept in his behavior or not accept. Even if it means she will walk if he won't comply.

 

And I agree, leading a double life would be difficult. I have never cheated on anyone so I would not know, and it was horrible for my guy, which is why be left his ex.

 

With all due respect, in an affair it's not realistic to stick to times. The MM is home with wife /family and he may have planned to call, then the wife decides she wants to makes love and takes him upstairs or his child needs help with homework.

 

Expectation regarding communication have to be lowered by very nature of the relationship.

 

There's no denying it's a relationship at all, but when you're in an affair I don't believe you can expect as regular contact or response, because the person is committed to another.

 

If the MM doesn't want to get busted, he has to be extremely careful and that can mean ignoring text messages. He has too much to loose and if he's a serial cheater, he will know complacency can mean a dday. If he's cheated before the wife will be very alert to him sneaking off with his phone.

 

Even if he has a burner phone, he has to keep it in his pocket on silent and pray the wife doesn't see it.

 

Unfortunately, it's one of the downsides of an affair whether OW likes it or not.

[goodyblue]

With all due respect, in an affair it's not realistic to stick to times. The MM is home with wife /family and he may have planned to call, then the wife decides she wants to makes love and takes him upstairs or his child needs help with homework.

 

Expectation regarding communication have to be lowered by very nature of the relationship.

 

There's no denying it's a relationship at all, but when you're in an affair I don't believe you can expect as regular contact or response, because the person is committed to another.

 

If the MM doesn't want to get busted, he has to be extremely careful and that can mean ignoring text messages. He has too much to loose and if he's a serial cheater, he will know complacency can mean a dday. If he's cheated before the wife will be very alert to him sneaking off with his phone.

 

Even if he has a burner phone, he has to keep it in his pocket on silent and pray the wife doesn't see it.

 

Unfortunately, it's one of the downsides of an affair whether OW likes it or not.

 

Um. You may want to read on this forum about communication between MM & OW. Esp. If OW is single. Look what Hope Shimmers said...100 texts a day, all those minutes talking... it may not be all, but certainly many OW get lots of communication. I know my a was the exception but we were in contact all day. Bentley also said she has expectations. I would say, in fact, that the majority have times to speak or not.

 

And I stand by my comment that they are in a relationship and so have the right to say what they need and to walk if they don't get it.

Edited May 13, 2015 by goodyblue

[sandylee1]

Um. You may want to read on this forum about communication between MM & OW. Esp. If OW is single. Look what Hope Shimmers said...100 texts a day, all those minutes talking... it may not be all, but certainly many OW get lots of communication. I know my a was the exception but we were in contact all day. Bentley also said she has expectations. I would say, in fact, that the majority have times to speak or not.

 

And I stand by my comment that they are in a relationship and so have the right to say what they need and to walk if they don't get it.

 

Goody,

 

Please don't misunderstand me. I don't disagree that there is a lot of communication between MM and OW. In fact there are usually hundreds and thousands of texts and emails between the two, way more than between husband and wife. What I'm saying is that once MM is at home with the wife and family, it's not that easy to keep up with the texting and he may just have to ignore the phone to avoid suspicion.

 

It's usually the amount of texts and the content that seal their fate and give the BS so much information about the A.

 

I guess it's up to the OW to have any expectations, but the reality of them being met is another story.

 

I agree with you that walking is an option, but so many for whatever reason just can't do it. If they could there wouldn't be quite so many OW struggling with breaking it off and keeping NC.