a change for our A.

[m4p]

To put it in the simplest form, all types of relationships have their own routines and "norms".

 

I guess the OP's main concern is the fact that MM had shown deviation from their "routine". It has to be abnormal or else she wouldn't bother to bring it up here.

 

She did the right thing to bring up a solution that will help her, instead of waiting all the time for him, but now he's probably pissed because he feels that she is dealing with it too aggressively by bringing it up in the first place. It's ironic but this might have drew him in and back to her (unintentionally, as all guys do, at the slightest threat of losing someone).

 

I hate to mention this, but he might had been momentarily been too contented and even well, happy at home with his W. When he is with his W in their comfort zone, it could be harder for him to be *mentally motivated* to pick up the phone and secretly text the OW. When someone really wants to do something, they will find all ways to do it. Nobody can actually stop them but themselves.

 

xMM knows that I'll get panicky/moody if he disappears for too long so he is always checking on me and being very affectionate before telling me that he's off to chill/relax. It helped then. Shrugs.

 

PS: But anyway, OP seems to have disappeared from this thread aside from her first post. So I would wager that things are going well between her and her AP again. lol.

[RoseVille]

I think the OP's fair was fair.

 

When MM's pattern changed in our A, it was the first sign of the end.

[goodyblue]

With all due respect, in an affair it's not realistic to stick to times. The MM is home with wife /family and he may have planned to call, then the wife decides she wants to makes love and takes him upstairs or his child needs help with homework.

 

Expectation regarding communication have to be lowered by very nature of the relationship.

 

There's no denying it's a relationship at all, but when you're in an affair I don't believe you can expect as regular contact or response, because the person is committed to another.

 

If the MM doesn't want to get busted, he has to be extremely careful and that can mean ignoring text messages. He has too much to loose and if he's a serial cheater, he will know complacency can mean a dday. If he's cheated before the wife will be very alert to him sneaking off with his phone.

 

Even if he has a burner phone, he has to keep it in his pocket on silent and pray the wife doesn't see it.

 

Unfortunately, it's one of the downsides of an affair whether OW likes it or not.

 

Well, agree to disagree. From what I know, MM will go to great lengths to keep in contact with OW, even going so far as to text while BS is close by. They know that if OW don't get what they need the possibility is great that she will find someone else. Not to mention the MM craves the attention, the ego stroke as much as possible.

[Sub]

They know that if OW don't get what they need the possibility is great that she will find someone else.

If it's that simple - if you don't contact me when I want then I'll just find someone else - why even settle for the drama of being with a MM?

[goodyblue]

If it's that simple - if you don't contact me when I want then I'll just find someone else - why even settle for the drama of being with a MM?

 

Look, it is the same as any other relationship except this... the wife is married to MM and it is Much more difficult to leave than it is for OW. Sure, we put up.with some things, but we still can end it if we have had enough.

 

Beyond that, in lots of cases the OW is being fulfilled. The MM is wooing her. She.gets what she needs and so does he.

 

How often do you read OW describe their MM as their best friend? Because needs are beiNg met. Not that complicated. If it stops being that, they can walk.

Edited May 13, 2015 by goodyblue

[Gotthetshirt]

Ty for all the insight, it certainly helps to have a place to talk about these issues.

 

Mm and I spoke yesterday and we agreed that if we stop our communication it is going to effect our relationship. So we agreed that we'd give each other a heads up when we can't text/talk this way neither of us needs to be waiting for a text that we can't reply to.

 

This A stuff is hard in many ways!

[Giggle]

For us its beyond when he can't talk.. It's when I can't message him. up to a month ago I would text him whenever and he would just get back to me when he could. There were times it'd be a few hours. Now he can't have any messages on his phone from me so he has to tell me when he gets home so I don't leave a message she could see. The result was actually that I know more what's going on with him.

Ok babe, I'm home ugh. Shhh lol

 

It's been a hard switch.

[minime13]

It may not be a conventional relationship but it IS a relationship whether you like it or not, Sandy. Having boundaries and parameters is perfectly okay. If they usually talk at a certain time and he suddenly stops doing that, she has every right to know why and to have her list of what she will accept in his behavior or not accept. Even if it means she will walk if he won't comply.

 

And I agree, leading a double life would be difficult. I have never cheated on anyone so I would not know, and it was horrible for my guy, which is why be left his ex.

 

It isn't a conventional relationship, and that is exactly why expectations that are there in a normal relationship shouldn't be expectations with an affair. Their top priority is their husband/wife/family, not the other man or woman.

 

That's also the reality of an affair. If one is expecting to be a top priority, then one should not seek out an affair.

[goodyblue]

It isn't a conventional relationship, and that is exactly why expectations that are there in a normal relationship shouldn't be expectations with an affair. Their top priority is their husband/wife/family, not the other man or woman.

 

That's also the reality of an affair. If one is expecting to be a top priority, then one should not seek out an affair.

 

And I.Will argue that in MY affair, and in lots of others, the OW becomes the top priority. Certainly not all, and I agree it is not a 'conventional' relationship, but it gives MM things the M does not. I was absolutely the one he cared to please, didn't want to upset or hurt, the one that mattered.

 

It gets really old hearing that OW is just a lay. Most times not the case at all. I am going to step out of this now because I will always have someone trying to reason that OW do not matter.

[Sub]

It gets really old hearing that OW is just a lay. Most times not the case at all.

I don't think anyone said that here. There's a wide range of possible scenarios between "a lay" and "top priority". I think a vast majority fall in the grey area.

[RoseVille]

Maybe sending a text message to give you a heads-up that wife is home so he cannot text you is too direct an admission that he is hiding the truth from her. Perhaps he prefers to keep his head in the clouds and just not admit what he is really doing.

 

I'm re-reading this thread, thinking about the end of the A.

 

We went from texting all-day, everyday... To him saying he needed to "limit" texting in the evenings and weekends when he's home, which essentially meant that I wouldn't hear from him at all during those times. If we'd started off that way, I probably would have been okay with it. But the change meant something had changed for him. To me, anyway. His request was an obvious statement to my face that he needed to hide the truth from his W. Prior to that, he was reckless and I think he didn't care if she found out. Then suddenly, he did.

 

That's when I realized I was being put into a box and put on a shelf. That he couldn't deal, anymore. Shortly thereafter, he ended it.

[RoseVille]

The thing is it's NOT the same as a 'normal ' relationship. You don't quite know what your MM is doing at home that makes him unable to respond. Sorry to say, but the things you don't want to hear are true.

 

I bet if most MM get a text from the wife when he's with OW , he responds quickly. It's par for the course and having high hopes will leave you rather disappointed.

 

If he keeps his phone glued to him, it can make the wife suspicious. Lots of spouses have passwords to each others device's as well. Many wives get suspicious if the H doesn't look at his phone when a text comes through. It makes them feel he wants to check his phone in private. If he puts the phone on silent, then he might forget to check the phone.

 

MM are very good at compartmentalising, so probably when he gets home, you're somehow placed in a box. That's his coping mechanism. He puts you at the back of his mind when he's with the wife and vice versa.

 

Leading this double life doesn't come easy for everyone and he clearly doesn't want to get busted.

 

Truth is, it's not only people in affairs that can be poor at responding to texts quickly, but if you're the OW, you naturally become a bit tense.

 

Every bit of this is true, especially the bolded.

 

MM has all his texts sent to silent, except his W. Hers make a sound, and he responds right away. And none of them pop up on his screen, just the little "1" on the iMessage bubble to alert him that he even has a text. So with his password protection, he can leave his phone out and his W would never know he's getting texted. No sound, no pop up

 

And yeah, being an OW amplifies all the anxiety involved in relationship-communication.

[minime13]

And I.Will argue that in MY affair, and in lots of others, the OW becomes the top priority. Certainly not all, and I agree it is not a 'conventional' relationship, but it gives MM things the M does not. I was absolutely the one he cared to please, didn't want to upset or hurt, the one that mattered.

 

It gets really old hearing that OW is just a lay. Most times not the case at all. I am going to step out of this now because I will always have someone trying to reason that OW do not matter.

 

Nobody here has said that an OW is just a lay. However, as you have admitted and a couple of us are explaining, it is not a conventional relationship. The rules are different. The boundaries are different. There are times you both have to put on an act, and at least one of you has to carry a lie. You are not the top priority, whether you wish to believe it or not. The MM's top priority is keeping up appearances to his family, unless he leaves her to be with the OW.

 

That is what I am trying to get through. Expectations like the ones in this thread may be justified because of the relationship, but they are not as reasonable or automatically to be expected with an affair.