Have I over reacted

[Dragster]

Hi All

 

Need to vent as I cant talk to anyone about this and its driving me crazy.

 

Me and my girlfriend met a year ago, having spent time together and apart in diff countries and are currently on our final leg apart before we can be together, at least we'll be in the same country lol

 

At the end of last year a previous fling of mine came to light as in she questioned who this womans number was on my phone so i told her. A short fling that occured before we got together with a woman i had known from childhood but no emotional investment what so ever. She was really insecure about it and gave me loads of grief for it as the woman lives on the same street. This went on for some time on and off and it got really tedious as there is no attachment or residual feelings and the girl is in a relationship (not when we had fling) but it eventually quietened down.

 

I have recently found out she is very close and connected with an ex (short relationship, that she ended) but in a purely platonic way, I have met the guy (didnt know about their past at the time) as she used to work with him but she no longer works at the same company and there is nothing to worry about, but i feel upset that she gave me all that grief over my fling, with whom i have little contact with, yet she is still in regular contact wiith her ex. She has accepted she was wrong with her insecurity but it still leaves a bad taste and screams of double standards.

 

When i found out her colleague was an Ex, i naturally asked questions etc and she assured me they're platonic etc, this was all over text, I wanted to skype this out and clear the air once things had calmed but its remained a text convo and now ive been told we can chat in 2 days 5 days after i asked her about the guy. She is on training a the moment and says cant make the time to skype as its hectic finishing up!! Wouldnt you allow some time to skype to ease things and clear the air... 20-30 mins? whats worse is now she doesnt even want to skype as I got uppity about it because she thinks she can set the date for when we can talk and I just have to accept it.

 

I have upset her as i asked the question about the ex over text and have apologised as it isnt the way i should have asked but none the less two people who love each other should be able to discuss this face to face (skype).

 

Its like shes using time as a punishment knowing it hurts to have this hanging but doing so because shes been upset by my approach, but thats life.

 

Shes also upset because i challenged our relationship by asking if there was residual feelings for the guy for which i apologised as i was drunk when i asked the question and didnt need to ask that question. She told me how im her everything, soul mate etc but its the double standard thing it seems to have cut deep and i cant figure out why, am i jealous...dont feel so, maybe feel disrespected.

I cant for some reason let it go that she gave me all that grief while she was still connected with her ex. And its all worse now because its taken days to discuss it face to face and now she doesnt even want to skype This is the worst ramble ever, very disjointed but i cant write succinctly at the moment.

 

Maybe a break is required, a simple face to face chat could have sorted it, not so much to ask which afterall isnt the worst argument. text messaging always goes wrong in these kind of arguments and blows them out of proportion. Or maybe there is residual feelings on her part hence the delay in skype. But i havent let this lie, is it an over reaction?...my gut isnt saying so

 

one sad dude

[lolablue17]

This is one of the difficulties in LDR, Every small thing that could have been fixed quickly when it's small, becomes such a big issue because of lack of communication and insecurities.

 

Her double standards + skype punishment are really annoying and may imply a pattern - She wants the upper hand (It can be because of her own insecurities) with you.

 

In my past relationships many times i was the one who wanted to talk. Some girls took advantage of me because of it. That's what your Gf doing now. If you reverse it, (Don't ask or demand to talk about it, but don't cooperate any other conversation, and act as if you're in a soft break, without telling her anything.

 

It will definitely cause her to make some efforts to contact you, asking you to tell her what's wrong. And if it isn't, so it's not worth it.

[justwhoiam]

Hi sad guy,

 

Welcome to the LS LDR forum.

 

I cant talk to anyone about this

Why not? Didn't you make your relationship official yet?

 

i feel upset that she gave me all that grief over my fling, with whom i have little contact with, yet she is still in regular contact wiith her ex. She has accepted she was wrong with her insecurity but it still leaves a bad taste and screams of double standards.

I understand where you're coming from. And although I don't like double standards, I usually don't want equal treatment. In fact, men and women are not the same. Needs can be different. But regarding your case, let's assume she's in good faith. Maybe she didn't compare your situation to hers. Or she just knows that her situation with this ex boyfriend is not romantic, while she suspected yours might be, and she was just trying to protect the relationship. That's what we do when we really care: we try to remove the possible threat.

Another way to explain the "double standard" is that she's aware she's somewhat jealous while you are not. Maybe you made it known that you're not the jealous type of guy. If that's the case, she feels kind of entitled to be a bit invasive, while knowing you won't be that way with her. In this case, as you can clearly see, you can't even define it as a double standard, because she has no power on the way you feel about her. That just depends on you. And actually, let me tell you, someone with a healthy feeling of jealousy will have a hard time being with someone who's not jealous at all, because they will perceive the other person as being careless, not caring enough, etc. That said, there can be a whole spectrum inbetween.

 

she assured me they're platonic

The acceptation of platonic seems to deviate from its original meaning:

1) friendly or affectionate without involving sexual relations

2) free from physical desire

3) of or pertaining to an intimate relationship characterized by the absence of sexual involvement

First of all, let me spell it out for you, platonic comes from platonic love. Not platonic friendship. There's no platonic friendship. There's platonic love. So if a girl told me that her relationship with guy X is purely platonic, I won't think of friendship. There's something more, or simply who would define it as platonic?? He's an ex, so there was something with him, and you can't cancel that. They were attracted to one another, and attraction can stop (actually or apparently) in two cases:

a) it naturally wears off, but often not for both or not at the same time

b) it is forcedly stopped

There can be a combination of both too.

So what could possibly be there now? Well, she has a boyfriend, so anything else can be off limits. It means that if she didn't have a boyfriend, there might be something else..... Or maybe there wouldn't be anything anyway, not because there's no attraction, but rather because two people feel they are not made for one another and it would just end badly. Let's say you'd use "platonic" with someone you wouldn't rule out, but for whatever reason there's nothing going on sexually. Precisely like Plato meant it, it doesn't get sexual because you won't allow it. It's different than: there's no sexual tension whatsoever because we're not in the least attracted to one another. The guy being platonic with a girl can be kind of friendzoned, because it's quite rare that a guy friendzones a girl he likes. I hope I didn't mess with your mind now.

 

Wouldnt you allow some time to skype to ease things and clear the air... 20-30 mins?

Yes. She was probably just avoiding confrontation.

 

she thinks she can set the date for when we can talk and I just have to accept it.

You can allow that or not. It just depends on you. Be a man and don't let her wrap you around her little finger.

 

I have upset her as i asked the question about the ex over text and have apologised as it isnt the way i should have asked but none the less two people who love each other should be able to discuss this face to face (skype).

I guess a phone talk can do while being apart. Not necessarily a videochat.

 

Its like shes using time as a punishment

I don't know about that. I guess men often think women are punishing them or testing them, while the truth is women are just reacting to things the way they can or depending on their personality.

 

Shes also upset because i challenged our relationship by asking if there was residual feelings for the guy for which i apologised as i was drunk when i asked the question and didnt need to ask that question.

You got a bit jealous just like she did. She doubted you and you doubted her. So she shouldn't make a big deal out of it.

 

am i jealous...dont feel so, maybe feel disrespected.

I understand that.

 

I cant for some reason let it go that she gave me all that grief while she was still connected with her ex. And its all worse now because its taken days to discuss it face to face

Would guilt tripping her make you feel better? What would make you feel better? That you can have questions answered?

 

maybe there is residual feelings on her part hence the delay in skype.

Who knows... there might be a bunch of reasons, such as:

- She fears you'll ask her to cut the ex off and she's postponing that moment

- She doesn't want to go into details about the current relationship with the ex or her past relationship with him

- She feels the topic will make you upset

- She feels uncomfortable bringing up things of the past

- She's afraid she might lose you

Etc.

 

Don't raise your voice, be calm. Ask her if she'd feel comfortable if you were regularly keeping in touch with your ex, going out with her, etc. Sometimes, we need to make decisions, it's part of growing up and moving on with one's life.