Teenagers and grades

[strangeluv]

My teenager just doesn't seem to care about his grades anymore. He used to be a 4.0 student but now getting him to focus is like pulling teeth. He's not doing drugs (that I can tell) but he has some slight depression issues, I tried meds but those were a big FAIL - I'm on the hunt for something natural or homeopathic. He says he just can't concentrate and has just chosen not to do some of his work (even classwork) because he didn't want to. He says he feels overwhelmed a lot.

 

I have tried controlling his internet and cell phone - grounding him from them when he's not doing what he's supposed to. We just end up fighting and it's miserable. The more I try to control the more he rebels. He'll yells that I am the reason his grades are low - because I'm such a "dictator" that he doesn't want to do anything "for me". I tell him that his grades aren't for me, they are HIS grades. I try telling him that being a student is his job and I expect him to prioritize accordingly… school comes first, and he seems to understand that but then I see him on YouTube instead of writing that past-due essay. We try to follow a contract we both agree to but then there are unforeseen loopholes I come across and it just ends up being worthless. I am beyond frustrated.

 

I really feel like not saying another word about schoolwork or classwork and let him receive the natural consequences… having to retake some core classes, maybe even graduate late, lessen his potential opportunities for college (if he wanted to attend). I threatened summer school but then realized I won't be able to make him go to that any more than I can make him do his homework.

 

And if I did this, not say anything more about grades or homework, I know it would be really hard for me to watch him gaming on his computer or going off with his friends on the weekend. Part of me feels like he should be grounded from all the fun stuff if school isn't priority, but then I think that NO, I shouldn't make me stepping back from his grades contingent on him being disconnected… that he needs to be given the reigns to make his own decisions and mistakes and not be "forced" to bring up the grades in order to get his stuff back.

 

^^^I have tried this for short times and I'm telling you, it's a damn nightmare and doesn't seem to work for me. I usually just end up giving his stuff back because he can't do half his homework without his comp anyway. It just really feels SO not worth the effort. I'll confess too that I worry about taking away all that is meaningful to him. I don't want to contribute to his depressed state.. I just don't think the benefits outweigh the potential consequences. It feels like a fine line I am walking right now.

 

If I can be honest, I sometimes wonder if school is even worth this much family turmoil. Is it? The public school system here pretty much sucks and the negative sh*t he is exposed to every day is scary. Why ruin my relationship with my son over some grades… his health and well-being is far more valuable than any grade he could ever get.

 

I am going to get him (or us both if useful) into therapy and he's good with the idea. In the meantime though his grades are bottoming out.. they're not as bad as 2 weeks ago but they are LOW considering he only has a few weeks of school left.

 

How do you guys handle homework troubles?

[littleplanet]

At what grade level is your teenager?

Is this the first school year he's behaved like this?

 

If academic achievement has always come easy to him - then what has changed is not his good brains. It's his attitude toward the necessity of a good education......for his own behalf, in so many, many ways.

 

If school bores him, it could very well be that it is because he is unchallenged, uninspired, and unmotivated. When it becomes that boring - any kind of distraction from it looks far more inviting.

 

Therapy could and probably should address this. Certainly if he's wasting good brains on bad pastimes.

Many kids struggle mightily with academics...for the simple reason that schoolwork bewilders them. Yet they fight on - because their work ethic demands it, and it is expected of them.

 

I think it is a good idea if a competent third party gets in on the action.

Then it reduces the friction between the two of you.

Has he any academically high-achieving friends?

Has he any outside interests that challenge his intellect?

 

I wouldn't throw in the towel, though.

If he bombs out one particular school year, it doesn't mean life is over.

Lots of teenagers go through stages where the purpose of the thing seems to disengage - only to come back later with a vengeance.

Growing pains, and all that.

 

I work in the high end of academia.....with young people who have been through all of this - and yet are now where they are, because they found a way through. For many, it was never a rosy cakewalk.

 

If academic counselling itself is available....that might help, too.

Good luck with this!

[Hawaii51]

Jesus Christo- "I tried meds"- nonchalantly.

 

My heart breaks a little inside. he's a 4.0 going through puberty and the logical solution entails altering his chemical make-up?! No bueno. Highschool, arguably, is more about social adaption than education. Let his grades slack, he can still be an amazingly successful human being even if he fails the rest of his classes in highschool. His education will only come though his own drive to learn, not a mom or state-mandated curriculum.

 

HE has been conditioned by decades I didn't grow up in. I played outside with fire. In highschool, the only one who could afford a pager was the dealer. Nowadays, too much artificial everything is getting jammed down kid's throats it seems. From food, to stimuli, to a defunct family unit. If he is smart, and has given up on memorizing crap for school, he must be thinking about something. I suggest you spend as much time as you can (coerce peacefully) with him.

 

He needs exercise, nature, and good role models. And probably a gf.

 

Which begs my next questions.. Where are you? Where is his father? Do you both work? Other Children?

[preraph]

There's nothing homeopathic. You need to get him into therapy so he can air whatever it is. You know he's depressed, so maybe a psychologist can help. It can't hurt.

 

Sometimes when kids become teens, they just rebel and change. If you've removed all his electronics for longer than a day and he's just moping and not studying , get him into therapy. You probably should first have a discreet talk with any and all of his teachers or coaches to see if any of them have any insight about why he's having problems. Could be bullying. Could be puberty. Could be he's unpopular and hasn't any friends. Could be fixated on a girl. Get all the info you can with a phone call to all his teachers and try to find out what's up first.

[mrs rubble]

My own mum was always on at me over my school work and I was a good student. She dictated to me what subject's I took. I wanted to do Journalism and photography as I loved to read and write and follow news. I dreamt of being a journalist, my mother told me it was too comptetive and I wouldn't be able to make it and I should just study maths and science and get a regular stable job. (which I did, I'm a lab.tech.)

I did as I was told, but rebelled in other ways (sex, drugs) and have always wished I'd had a go at journalism.

Then came along my eldest son, my mum got onto his case too and told him he had to buck his ideas up and study the subjects she thought he should. I told him not to listen to grandma and do what he had an interest in and enjoyed. He was a gamer, computer fiend and a doodler. He followed my advice, now he has a degree in graphic design and animation and is very happy and employed. (he even had a choice of 3 jobs!!)

My youngest son, I've battled with trying to get him to even turn up at school, let alone study and this kid has a serious brain going to waste in there!!! He's dropped out and taken up hairdressing, he's a different kid, happy to get up and go to (hairdressing)school every day and do his thing.

So in essence what I'm trying to say is, find your son's passion and encourage it, don't waste your time banging your head against a wall trying to get him to comply when he'd live a much happier life doing something else! Life's too short to battle needlessly.

[Tayla]

no where in the post did i read: "when i am listening to my teen ". I sense there is a level of stringent tug of war. No good is coming from that.

 

Can you recall your teen years? How did you want to be treated?

 

Teens may need guidance and some regulations, mostly they need support that even if they choose wrong, you are there to work thru it. You know your child better then anyone here, so basically what isn't working needs to be halted. Contact the guidance counselor and see what suggestions they have.

[BlueIris]

My oldest hit a nasty depression in HS so I offered to send her on foreign study for a year. It was a great solution since she wanted to be away from us anyway. She ended up going to one of the “happiest countries” in the world and got a reality check, changed her perspective on everything, and it made her much more confident and strong. It also cost less than a year of her living at home. Much less. I HIGHLY recommend it. She also became a comfortable world traveller and has been so since. She visits her host family at Christmas every 3 years, even now that she’s 28 and married (her husband comes too). Look up AFS and YFU and really consider it. It might sound crazy at first but it is truly a great experience and not as expensive as you might expect- and my daughter loved it.

[strangeluv]

Jesus Christo- "I tried meds"- nonchalantly.

 

My heart breaks a little inside. he's a 4.0 going through puberty and the logical solution entails altering his chemical make-up?! No bueno. Highschool, arguably, is more about social adaption than education. Let his grades slack, he can still be an amazingly successful human being even if he fails the rest of his classes in highschool. His education will only come though his own drive to learn, not a mom or state-mandated curriculum.

 

HE has been conditioned by decades I didn't grow up in. I played outside with fire. In highschool, the only one who could afford a pager was the dealer. Nowadays, too much artificial everything is getting jammed down kid's throats it seems. From food, to stimuli, to a defunct family unit. If he is smart, and has given up on memorizing crap for school, he must be thinking about something. I suggest you spend as much time as you can (coerce peacefully) with him.

 

He needs exercise, nature, and good role models. And probably a gf.

 

Which begs my next questions.. Where are you? Where is his father? Do you both work? Other Children?

 

Well, first off you should not assume that I am "nonchalant" about giving my son meds. I simply mentioned that we had tried them but by no means did the decision to do so not come without careful consideration. Meds were something that he himself wanted to try because he was tired of feeling unfocused, uninterested and down. He was only on them for 2 weeks anyway, probably not even long enough to have affected him but enough unsettling side effects to warrant me taking him off of them IMO.

 

Where am I? Western US.

 

His father is not particularly involved. He lives close and does want to see him, but their history together has steered our son away from spending much time with him. His dad isn't the best influence and doesn't lead a healthy lifestyle for a teen to be around and therefore, I don't force visitation. His father works as do I. He remarried and had a daughter roughly 5 years ago. My son sees her when he visits, which isn't all that often.

 

I decided today that I am backing off his grades, even emailed the teachers. Maybe it's not the right decision but I can tell you that the opposite is NOT working. I'm going to give him the space he needs to make his own decisions about schoolwork. If he chooses to not stay on top of them then he will have to deal with the natural consequences, and if that means summer-school or retaking certain classes next year, so be it. It's not the end of the world. In the grand scheme of life, grades just aren't that important.

[amaysngrace]

Depression is a mental illness.

 

To try to fix an illness in two weeks is unrealistic.

 

There is more than one medication to treat depression.

 

No offense but it's no wonder why your son isn't overly dedicated since you don't seem to be either.

 

He has homework to do but you want to revoke his home privileges? Take him to the library.

 

You want to limit his internet access at home? Switch the password on the wifi.

 

You want to limit his phone use? Put a restriction on his data usage with your carrier.

 

You need to make an appointment with his guidance counselor for the three of you to meet. You don't know if he wants to go on to college? How can you not know that? You are his mother.

 

You need to be more involved in his life but in a positive way. You can't just nag him but need to actually get involved to oversee that he stays on the right path.

 

He's a smart kid and school at one time came easily for him. Something changed and whatever that "something" is needs to be addressed.

 

But telling him to give up on school, something he once excelled at, is you sending him the clear message that his future is just not worth much. By doing that you're reaffirming the same narrative that plays in his head. That's what depression is....having no hope for the future.

 

You need to think, Mom. And act. He's still a child and needs guidance now more than ever.

 

"It's your job."

[strangeluv]

Depression is a mental illness.

 

To try to fix an illness in two weeks is unrealistic.

 

There is more than one medication to treat depression.

 

No offense but it's no wonder why your son isn't overly dedicated since you don't seem to be either.

 

He has homework to do but you want to revoke his home privileges? Take him to the library.

 

You want to limit his internet access at home? Switch the password on the wifi.

 

You want to limit his phone use? Put a restriction on his data usage with your carrier.

 

You need to make an appointment with his guidance counselor for the three of you to meet. You don't know if he wants to go on to college? How can you not know that? You are his mother.

 

You need to be more involved in his life but in a positive way. You can't just nag him but need to actually get involved to oversee that he stays on the right path.

 

He's a smart kid and school at one time came easily for him. Something changed and whatever that "something" is needs to be addressed.

 

But telling him to give up on school, something he once excelled at, is you sending him the clear message that his future is just not worth much. By doing that you're reaffirming the same narrative that plays in his head. That's what depression is....having no hope for the future.

 

You need to think, Mom. And act. He's still a child and needs guidance now more than ever.

 

"It's your job."

 

Yes I KNOW it's unrealistic - I did not expect improvement until closer to 6 weeks in but he had a horrible meltdown and after I shared this with his doctor we together decided pulling him off was the best choice. Yes I know there are other medications and I am researching them but not prepared yet to give it another go. I would like to keep him off them unless there aren't any other options. I don't think it's fair of you to say I'm not dedicated when you don't even know the reason I pulled him off.

 

Yes he has homework to do and damn right I want to revoke his privileges… because after repeatedly telling him to get off the game sites or Skype with his friends and start his assignments and him not doing it, I get kinda ticked about him abusing his privileges.

 

I know how to boot him off the internet. I now have a program to do just that and can blacklist him from the router when necessary. I have an ap on my phone that boots him off HIS phone at the push of a button. I can have him on full lockdown when I want to, and I have used my various techniques frequently over the last 6 months. No matter what I do it's a struggle to get him to complete the assignments. Perhaps you missed that from my post.

 

I have been in touch with his teachers - we email somewhat regularly and I am on SchoolLoop more than my own email. I am involved - ask my son and he says I am OVERLY-involved. Hows that working? It's not!

 

The one thing I do agree with you on is that I need to be more involved in a POSITIVE way… that is true. I feel like a sh*tty mom for constantly fighting him over grades and his chores for the last 6 months. I think I made him feel like all I care about are those things and not him. School and chores. The things he was NOT doing that he should have been doing had started to become all I noticed. Maybe he was striving for the negative attention because that's what I've been giving him. I don't know, but I'm trying to fix all this and am starting by backing off. By no means am I telling him to "give up on school" but by backing off I can give him the space to make his own decisions about his grades. If he chooses to not work at it a little for the next few weeks then the natural consequences will follow - either summer school or retaking some classes next year. After all, they are his grades, not mine. He is right, and he has been telling me this for months.

[amaysngrace]

I know you are frustrated and how overwhelming it can be. I get that.

 

But he is overwhelmed at school and he's open to counseling. These two things together is him asking for help.

 

I know you don't want to make things harder for him by restricting the things that he enjoys but those things alone aren't going to take away his depression. How open are you to counseling for yourself? Have you ever been?

 

And very often medicine can help treat depression. His doctor isn't going to prescribe a new med unless you agree. Were you receptive to the doctor switching it up or did his doctor not recommend a new med at all when you insisted on stopping due to the adverse side effects your son was experiencing?

 

If his doctor diagnosed him with depression but didn't offer an alternative then I'd look for another doctor to treat your son immediately.

[preraph]

I wanted to add that even more effective than him being in therapy is your family as a whole being in therapy.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't see where you mentioned his age but it sounds like he's actually kind of "normal" if you ask me.

 

I have a teenage son and he went through a very similar period when he was 12-14. It was brutal and very concerning.

 

Although I never put him on meds, I certainly did all the same and expected things most parents would do when their child does a 180 for the worse including backing off and just loving him unconditionally. After talking with other mothers of teenage boys I found out that this was pretty much par for the course in so many cases.

 

Being a huge advocate of therapy, we sent my son to therapy for a short while to get an assessment and give him an opportunity to express things he might be too afraid to tell me or his father. Even the therapist said that there were no alarms bells and that he was just a normal teenage boy trying to get through teenage years.

 

In the end it all kind of sorted itself out but not without a very watchful and loving eye on him at all times.

 

Regardless, I would highly recommend the book The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary. Excellent book on parenting especially for teens.

 

Good luck.

[strangeluv]

I know you are frustrated and how overwhelming it can be. I get that.

 

But he is overwhelmed at school and he's open to counseling. These two things together is him asking for help.

 

I know you don't want to make things harder for him by restricting the things that he enjoys but those things alone aren't going to take away his depression. How open are you to counseling for yourself? Have you ever been?

 

And very often medicine can help treat depression. His doctor isn't going to prescribe a new med unless you agree. Were you receptive to the doctor switching it up or did his doctor not recommend a new med at all when you insisted on stopping due to the adverse side effects your son was experiencing?

 

If his doctor diagnosed him with depression but didn't offer an alternative then I'd look for another doctor to treat your son immediately.

 

I am open to counseling and yes, I have been before. I am trying to get him in somewhere and once I figure out where that will be I will then ask him or her about family therapy. Whatever it takes.

 

I was restricting him but am not now. I'm basically letting have his stuff and have backed off on school. I do wonder and do hope that he will start working on what he can so the grades don't slip further, but I know HE knows what his grades are, so I keep trying to remind myself to not ask him about them. This is something he's just going to have to figure out.

 

His doctor had mentioned a couple other med options and I wrote them down so that I could do a little research on them. She left it at that and told me that I could call her and she would prescribe it if I decided that's the way I wanted to go.

[strangeluv]

I don't see where you mentioned his age but it sounds like he's actually kind of "normal" if you ask me.

 

I have a teenage son and he went through a very similar period when he was 12-14. It was brutal and very concerning.

 

Although I never put him on meds, I certainly did all the same and expected things most parents would do when their child does a 180 for the worse including backing off and just loving him unconditionally. After talking with other mothers of teenage boys I found out that this was pretty much par for the course in so many cases.

 

Being a huge advocate of therapy, we sent my son to therapy for a short while to get an assessment and give him an opportunity to express things he might be too afraid to tell me or his father. Even the therapist said that there were no alarms bells and that he was just a normal teenage boy trying to get through teenage years.

 

In the end it all kind of sorted itself out but not without a very watchful and loving eye on him at all times.

 

Regardless, I would highly recommend the book The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary. Excellent book on parenting especially for teens.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for the book recommendation.. I'll check it out.

[amaysngrace]

I am open to counseling and yes, I have been before. I am trying to get him in somewhere and once I figure out where that will be I will then ask him or her about family therapy. Whatever it takes.

 

I was restricting him but am not now. I'm basically letting have his stuff and have backed off on school. I do wonder and do hope that he will start working on what he can so the grades don't slip further, but I know HE knows what his grades are, so I keep trying to remind myself to not ask him about them. This is something he's just going to have to figure out.

 

His doctor had mentioned a couple other med options and I wrote them down so that I could do a little research on them. She left it at that and told me that I could call her and she would prescribe it if I decided that's the way I wanted to go.

 

Chances are he just wants to feel better. The sad thing is that the worse he does in school the harder he's most likely to be on himself and get down on himself.

 

And so the cycle continues.

 

I've been in your shoes and I know how hard it can be to have a child with depression. We just only want them to be happy...that's what we've told ourselves all along...but when you have a child with depression it switches to just wanting them to be okay.

 

I'd give the medicine a fair shake if I were you. My daughter takes 40mg of Prozac every day and it really helps balance the chemical imbalance in her brain.

 

And I'd listen to him more. I had a hard time doing that because I'd see things from my perspective to try to lift her out of it. I'd tell her to think happy thoughts or that it will pass or to be grateful for what you have because there are kids much worse off...you know, stuff that would work on me to help me feel better...but she's not like me the same way that your son isn't wired like you are.

 

In talking to my kid I realized that when she'd come to me and I'd try all my optimistic happy talk it only left her to feel even more misunderstood which only added to her struggles.

 

Your son really needs a good counselor who will validate his feelings. And he needs you to understand where he's coming from too. He needs people who "get it" because depression can be lonely, especially for a kid.

 

Is there a child psychologist at his school? You may want to reach out to them to express your concerns about his grades slipping. There are so many laws now that will protect your child so that he can thrive in school. The school psychologist may even be able to recommend a therapist for your son to see regularly. That may be a really good place to start.

 

Whatever it takes is a great mantra, by the way! Love that!!

[turnera]

How do you guys handle homework troubles?

It was plain and simple. "As long as you are making As and Bs, you can have your electronics. Any time you have a C on a report card, you don't get your electronics back until your next report card. I'm glad to help you or get you a tutor, but the rest is up to you. If you want to veg out and ignore school - go ahead. But you won't do it with any electronics."

 

That takes the emotion out of it and sets the rules and lets him then choose, so he can't blame anything on you. If his grades dip, he has six weeks (or whatever your system is) to get them up to get his electronics back, or else he then has another six weeks to get them up and thus get his electronics back.

 

ETA: Letting him have his electronics without EARNING them is a huge mistake. All it says is if he bitches enough, you back down. Not a great life pattern to teach him. When his grades come out this month and he is in Cs and Ds, PLEASE show some strength and calmly say 'you did not earn the privilege of electronics with these grades. You can sit down with me and negotiate to get them back before next semester or you can go get a job to earn a new one but unless you do one of those, you will spend the summer without them.'

Edited May 16, 2015 by turnera

[Tayla]

It was plain and simple. "As long as you are making As and Bs, you can have your electronics. Any time you have a C on a report card, you don't get your electronics back until your next report card. I'm glad to help you or get you a tutor, but the rest is up to you. If you want to veg out and ignore school - go ahead. But you won't do it with any electronics."

 

That takes the emotion out of it and sets the rules and lets him then choose, so he can't blame anything on you. If his grades dip, he has six weeks (or whatever your system is) to get them up to get his electronics back, or else he then has another six weeks to get them up and thus get his electronics back.

 

ETA: Letting him have his electronics without EARNING them is a huge mistake. All it says is if he bitches enough, you back down. Not a great life pattern to teach him. When his grades come out this month and he is in Cs and Ds, PLEASE show some strength and calmly say 'you did not earn the privilege of electronics with these grades. You can sit down with me and negotiate to get them back before next semester or you can go get a job to earn a new one but unless you do one of those, you will spend the summer without them.'

 

And some kids have moments in education that will not grant an A or a B.

Sorry but i disgree with the method being suggested. Taking away ( rewards system used in a negative fashion warrants negative results) .

 

i would have been without many things if my parents used that tactic, for i went thru a strugglin stage with my school system. They understood, got me a tutor and I got a c plus. not an A or B. They were pleased that i gave my best and even my tutor thought I was deserving of a better grades, yet teachers liked the sliding scale ...

 

And yes there is homeopathic meds to aide ....

[turnera]

That would be easy to fix, to 'reward' him if he only got a C. IF the mom saw the son working his ass off to get that C. She isn't seeing that.

 

So for him to give no effort, he should not be given the electronics. It really IS that simple. It's not our job to make our teenage kids like us. It's our job to teach them how to handle problems, find solutions, work hard to deserve what they get and thus respect what they get. Because that's how they'll turn into happy, successful adults.

 

rewards system used in a negative fashion warrants negative results

Look up authoritative parenting. It's the most preferred way to raise happy, healthy kids and this is straight out of it. What I describe is NOT punishment nor negative rewards - it is POSITIVE rewards based on a child's work and activity. And it is clearly laid out - do this and get that, don't do this and don't get that, your choice - and it is completely on the shoulders of the child. While the parent stands on the sidelines and says "I'm here for you for whatever help you need; just ask and I'll make it happen." Teenagers are old enough that they need to start learning to solve their own problems; they'll be out on their own in a few short years and NObody out there is going to be rewarding them for something they haven't earned. Edited May 17, 2015 by turnera

[ASG]

Look up authoritative parenting. It's the most preferred way to raise happy, healthy kids and this is straight out of it. What I describe is NOT punishment nor negative rewards - it is POSITIVE rewards based on a child's work and activity. And it is clearly laid out - do this and get that, don't do this and don't get that, your choice - and it is completely on the shoulders of the child. While the parent stands on the sidelines and says "I'm here for you for whatever help you need; just ask and I'll make it happen." Teenagers are old enough that they need to start learning to solve their own problems; they'll be out on their own in a few short years and NObody out there is going to be rewarding them for something they haven't earned.

 

Meh... When I was a kid, I was a straight A student. As soon as I hit puberty, that went down the drain. I mean... BOYS! I wasn't failing any classes or anything, but was getting mostly Cs, with the occasional B or A. My parents never took me to task and never demanded anything else.

 

My brother was always a terrible student. He repeated EVERY YEAR of high school. So that's 4 years done in 8. Again, nothing was taken from him. He had tutors and the like, so it wasn't like my parents were ignoring the situation. But they never thought it would be a good idea to rewards/punish due to grades.

 

These days he has a degree and is very successful in his line of work. I don't have a degree, as I dropped out of university, but I am also successful in my chosen field.

 

Grades aren't the be all end all...

[turnera]

I agree; they aren't. In fact, I was the parent who pushed pushed pushed to get DD to get all As. By the time she was a junior, it wasn't working. I couldn't MAKE her care, and I was making her a nervous wreck. So I pulled back and did what I describe here. Told her it was on her, she was old enough to be responsible for her own future. No, I wouldn't give her electronics if she went to a C. Those are things that have to be earned. And if she didn't want them badly enough to do what is EXPECTED of high schoolers, well, I couldn't make her. Again, all her choice.

 

The other thing I did was show her what her future would be like if she took different approaches. I showed her the jobs she could get if she dropped out of school. I showed her the jobs she could get if she graduated high school. If she she graduated college. If she got the PhD she said she wanted. And then explained that it was all on her shoulders now. I'd help, but it was on her. And I backed off.

 

It didn't turn out perfect. She tried going from AP classes to on level classes, and hated how nobody gave a damn. She skipped taking the AP tests that would have given her extra college credits. Again, on her.

 

But she learned from her OWN choices and mistakes, and then used that knowledge to fix things. She got her BS in 4 years, and lots of summer school. But it was all her choice.

 

And she tells me now that the difference was when I stopped trying to control her and her grades, and that I just said your choice, but don't expect to get the perks if you don't do the work (meaning her electronics, which, to a teenager, is about all that matters; of course if it had been boys, I would have restricted access to that). She has said it was me telling her that it was all on her shoulders - both getting the perks and her grades - that made the difference.

[turnera]

My teenager just doesn't seem to care about his grades anymore. He used to be a 4.0 student but now getting him to focus is like pulling teeth. He's not doing drugs (that I can tell) but he has some slight depression issues, I tried meds but those were a big FAIL - I'm on the hunt for something natural or homeopathic. He says he just can't concentrate and has just chosen not to do some of his work (even classwork) because he didn't want to. He says he feels overwhelmed a lot.

strangeluv, I do want to reiterate that you need to take a closer look at the change and the depression, and figure out what's behind it.

 

I'm a big believer in finding ways for kids to ACCOMPLISH something. Ask a therapist; they'll agree that accomplishing something usually gets rid of the depression or apathy or attitude. It gives them something to be proud of. To work toward (thus my discussion of earning the electronics). And it takes up a lot of their time, which kids nowadays have too much of.

 

Is there some sport or hobby you can urge him to take up?

 

And there's always the chance that it IS drugs. Or even just the people who take drugs that he may be hanging around with. The only reason I ever did pot was because my stepbrother did and if I wanted to hang around with him, well, I pretty much had to do it. It's a fair chance. Do you know all his friends? Really well? Does he have a new set of friends? Apathy is a learned behavior of kids if they hang around other kids who are apathetic and they want to be welcomed into that group.

 

Is it safe for him to talk to you? I told my DD when she was about 15 that I would never judge her, I might not like her if she chose to do bad things, but I wouldn't judge her. And that she could tell me anything without fear of punishment. She later told me that she didn't believe me, that she figured she'd have to lie to me, as 95% of teenagers do. But when she did something wrong, and I approached her in terms of how do 'we' work our way out of this, she was surprised that I kept my word. And ever since, she's told me EVERYTHING. Because I'm the one safe person in the world she can tell anything without judgment.

[Shepp]

Meds, really?

 

 

Like school just isn't where some people excel! Some of the brightest, most capable, successful people I know - flunked in school! Clever as you like, but it simply wasn't what interested them. Hence why I'm a big advocate for more land based & extracurricular studies in schools!

 

 

As it happens I did well in school but I barely worked! Hardly revised, hardly did homework, got straight A's in exams. I don't see why that should be rewarded compared to a kid who might sweat it for a C!

 

 

Everyone gets to decide how they want to parent, but I wouldnt be worried about C's IF my kid was showing interest, dedication and work in another area! Id just be gently pointing out school is important and worth it too.

But I wouldn't tolerate laziness!

 

 

If he's confidence and self esteem is down find something that he can achieve in to give him a boost - sport, music, engineering, building, horticulture, mechanics, anything really..

[Shepp]

Is it safe for him to talk to you? I told my DD when she was about 15 that I would never judge her, I might not like her if she chose to do bad things, but I wouldn't judge her. And that she could tell me anything without fear of punishment. She later told me that she didn't believe me, that she figured she'd have to lie to me, as 95% of teenagers do. But when she did something wrong, and I approached her in terms of how do 'we' work our way out of this, she was surprised that I kept my word. And ever since, she's told me EVERYTHING. Because I'm the one safe person in the world she can tell anything without judgment.

 

^ This too!!