Phoenician Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 (edited) Married for 17 , happy for 17mn maybe . father of three adorable kids (16,13,6) Main issues with wife are laziness , disrespect , selfish and borderline personality ; of course intimacy suffers also from same issues... My fault I spoiled the Barbie girl and helped her whenever she should have done her tasks ; but what to do when you love your wife , your kids , what to do when you respect vows ? do you just kick her when you discover reality ? Gone through a separation of 3 month ,this year ;then the false indications made me think she is changing ; yet I discovered that she changed temporarily because she wanted to get some of her needs met . In less than 4 weeks , back again to square 1 . I told her this morning right in the face that I am enforcing a second separation , this time for six month ; she doesn't even react usually , silence of the lambs ! silent treatment , passive aggressivness... My question is , knowing that she will never change ; and I have now no hope that we will become suddenly compatible ; how reasonable it is to have separation under the same roof for the sake of the kids ? until they grow a bit more ? Edited May 12, 2015 by Phoenician Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Keep it simple. Do you want to be married to your wife? Yes/no. If yes, stay married. If no, divorce. Those are the only sensible options. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Knowing that there's little room for her to be what you want her to be, is this something that you can continue to live with? I don't think living under the same roof yet living separate lives actually work, you are still living with each other's eyes on the other, what is the point in that? Its either you separate or continue with the charade. If you are miserable in the home, is this really imparting what marriage is supposed to be to your kids? You can co-parent effectively even if you don't live together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 No I don't want her , I just don't want to hate her , she is what she is ! I don't want to draw a pic of her that she is bad , we are incompatible in everything ; for me working hard on anything is the beauty of life ( Kids,housework/improvement,DIY...) , for her the smart her is to avoid doing anything in life , happiness is to relax , 24x7. the main reason for my stay is that the kids will be smashed emotionally if I am not present , she is so lazy that she is doing nothing for them , nor me . She just slowly stopped parenting since years ,she comes back from work at 2 oclock pm , eat , sleep , watch Serial episodes ( 150 ++turkish or Indian) for hours ; as long as you ask her nothing to do she is great ... I am currently masking the kids requests from her ; if they approach her , she becomes aggressive ; last week she hit the boy on his eye -she say that she didn't mean too !- because of something silly ( he wants to play and become dirty again !,I told her next time bath him before sleeping ; he is a kid , wants to play). IF I leave , they will ask her for favors! ( what I call parenting! , what I enjoy ! ), and in this case she will show them the aggressive face . I don't mind serving them like a maid , but need a new pact , a new arrangement with her ; Im HD and crying for sex , but now the imp thing is having the kids , happy and safe . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 I have been through wars , I have been through tumor , I have been through bankrupcy once , And survived , But nothing is more hurtful than living with someone who never cry , never feel, who suck happiness from your heart . They do it just because they are lazy by nature ! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Then divorce and apply for sole custody yourself. If she is physically abusive to the kids then do not tolerate that. Get them safe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 Then divorce and apply for sole custody yourself. If she is physically abusive to the kids then do not tolerate that. Get them safe. In this part of the world / Middle east , I can get only the eldest , the other two will have to stay with their mom. The deal will be , I will have to leave alone , which is something that will rip me off. Seperation is still better in this case , the only issue will be my intimacy need; It is way beyond just physical , I need love . Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 In this part of the world / Middle east , I can get only the eldest , the other two will have to stay with their mom. The deal will be , I will have to leave alone , which is something that will rip me off. Seperation is still better in this case , the only issue will be my intimacy need; It is way beyond just physical , I need love . I've heard in some Middle Eastern countries the children stay with their mother until they are a certain age. I believe the country in mind had an age of 7 for children to be ready to be away from their mothers. Have you spoken to a lawyer and made sure of the age in your country? In your country do the children have a choice which parent they want to live with at a certain age? If so, let your wife be herself. Stop being a barrier between her and the children. Let them see how she is, leave and divorce, and then let the kids make their choice. If you can't do that, then your options are to stay married and honor your vows until the kids are older, stay married and have a discreet affair or affairs to get your needs met, or divorce now and do the best you can to care for the kids. If your wife is as lazy as you say, perhaps leaving her to be responsible for the kids will be too much work for her and she will decide to have you care for them if you do decide to divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 A separation has as its goal and purpose the reconciliation of the marriage by actually working on the issues present. Did you or her go to any counseling while separated the first time? I know that we are only hearing your side of the story but if you are as miserable as you say then drastic steps needs to be taken if you want to save your marriage and provide your children with a firm and secure upbringing. There is help available. One of the best organizations I know of is called The National Institute of Marriage. They specialize in intensive counseling which lasts four, five or even six days. It is intense because you have to go stay on the property and attend sessions most of the day, but it really deals with the core issues of the relationship. Their success rate is off the charts - 85% of the couples who attend are still married and doing better 2 years later. Listen, divorce is a major deal. It impacts your children, your pocket book (far more expensive to divorce than to pay for a service that actually works), and your lifestyle. I have been divorced for 6 years and I still have not recovered. If it was me, I would do whatever needed to be done to keep the family together, even sacrificing some of the needs I thought used to be so important back then. Those perceived needs don't seem so significant now that I live in a single room by myself where I can't really host my kids or grandson. Some of those needs don't seem as significant now as I struggle from check-to-check because I am still paying off debt. I just wish I could have understood these things while I was in the middle of a marriage that really wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was. I do not have my head buried in the sand. I understand that there are times that a divorce is absolutely necessary in certain situations, but definitely not the case in most. Two people who were attracted enough to one another to get married and then produce children can certainly give their relationship all the effort that it deserves in order to recover and move forward better than you ever thought possible. A little effort can go a long way if she is willing. If you would like some additional help behind the scenes feel free to send me a private message. In the mean-time, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 You are right, without you there to be the buffer, your kids will suffer. If custody is not an option for you, then I understand why you have to stay. You can't just abandon them and leave them with her. I don't have a solution, but I just wanted to say that you are a great dad and those kids are very lucky to have you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 You are right, without you there to be the buffer, your kids will suffer. If custody is not an option for you, then I understand why you have to stay. You can't just abandon them and leave them with her. I don't have a solution, but I just wanted to say that you are a great dad and those kids are very lucky to have you. Thanks for the support! I think with the fact that i cant get full custody i wont be abke To leave now.the only thing i canget now is staying for the Kids now and get some relief when i get touching words fdom ppl lije u. I will support then until they grow feathers to fly One day ahe will understand late what she has done for Me and the kids . I dont know if i will cheat ,but what i know is that if i do i no longet Care if she knows. My girls started to encourage me to have friends! They can feel how cruel she is... It is amazing that i dont want to cheat on them not her. If any women similar to my wife read this thread , i ask : is ur laziness more Imp than a family!!? Link to post Share on other sites
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