LDR boyfriend, losing interest or depression?

[missingj]

I'm hoping someone can provide some input into my current situation.

 

I've been seeing a guy based in Europe for 6 months now. We have visited each other 3 times over this period for about 2 weeks at a time and said we loved each other after the second visit. He also told me at this time that he suffered from depression and was on medication for it, I want fazed as I have a sister with the same disease.

 

The last time he was here we had some serious discussions around what the future looked like for us and decided that all going well I would look to move to his country at the end of the year but planned a to go away together in August this year. We also discussed the fact that he may not want kids (I do) and he was going to go home and think seriously about that.

 

Since he returned home (about a month ago) he has been inconsistent with his contact and told me about two weeks ago that he is in a depressive state again due to work and family pressure. I have backed right off and not tried to pressure him about our future, but not knowing and having no plans is killing me! He has not mentioned our future or the trip we have planned at all. Do I just keep up with this softly, softly approach, I have let him know that I'm here if he needs me but won't reach out to him anymore just wait for him to come to me. I should mention that 2 days after he got him he wrote me that he loved me but wasn't head over heels in love - this hurt, but I accepted it given his state of mind. He has since told me he loves me, misses me and wishes I was with him....but I can't get that statement out of my head.

 

Any help is appreciated!

[acrosstheuniverse]

Sorry, but those are the words of a guy who's lost interest, possibly because of the strain of LDR. He may well have depression but many people have depression and still form and nurture relationships. If you had been togetner for years and cohabited and he went through a clear depressed period where he began to see the whole world negatively and expressed doubts about the relationship that would make sense, sometimes with severe depression everything seems hopeless, you feel worthless and sabotage the good things in your life.

 

But you've been together six months, the time when many relationships fail due to the infatuation wearing off for one person, and the kicker here is that he's admitted he's not deeply in love with you as he should be. You also have incompatible goals for the future. I dated a guy four months when we both talked about kids and realised I saw myself with them in my early thirties and he his early forties if at all, I think he went away and realised we couldn't work and then dumped me a month or two later. Sometimes it takes a discussion about major life goals for one person to realise there's an expiration date.

 

Whatever is causing this, you aren't getting what you need from the relationship. You don't feel secure and loved. Very few people in a LDR would feel happy or comfortable with zero plans for meeting up again as when you love someone and are far away that's what keeps you going. I think he's doing a typical cowardly fade out where he is too weak to end it, maybe afraid of hurting you or still 1% wonders if it's worth holding onto, but deep down he doesn't want this anymore. You can either hang on in miserable purgatory or end it and be free to meet someone who loves you deeply and wants a future together. I know it sucks but LDR are hard for the most committed of couples, it's going nowhere when one person isn't even sure, and as a person with a lot of experience with depression I think you have to be careful not to pin his actions and lack of interest on that. Sorry for your pain.

[elaine567]

First off, huge incompatibility issue. You want kids, he doesn't.

How do you think that realistically will pan out?

You will persuade him? Not likely.

You will remain childless if you stay? Very probably.

If you do manage to persuade/coerce him into having kids, he may then feel trapped, bitter and resentful - is that what you want?

 

BUT, forget the depression, forget the incompatibility.

He gave you the "I love you but I am not in love with you" speech which equals "I want to split up, but I do not have the balls to end it."

Despite his more recent capitulation into saying he loves you, I would be loathe to believe he really means it.

 

This is going nowhere. Move on.

Find someone close to home for your next relationship.

LDRs are so very often a complete waste of time.

[justwhoiam]

Hi missingj,

 

Are you willing to always have him as primary focus in the couple? You and your needs would always come second to that. Because he has a condition, and everything will probably revolve around that and will be the excuse to anything.

 

Your life would be much easier and more rewarding with a different man, who will also be able to take care of you. That's nice for a woman, at least now and then, even the most independent woman. The feeling that you can count on someone.

 

All that combined with the fact that his feelings for you are not as strong as they should be at the start of a relationship lead me to just say: drop the whole thing. ASAP.