Sam1986 Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 The title says it all really. Last fall, we broke up after about 2 months of dating (short, I know), and I was kind of devastated as I was really into her. Soon afterwards we tried the classic "friends" thing, where we would still have dinner with wine together. During this month however, she started getting close to an aquaintance of ours from school, and after one month of us being "friends who do date'ish things" she broke the news of them going out. They were in a rather quick relationship (6 months, broke up in late February, still longer than ours though), and then at a mutual work party we had our first conversation (superficial, but lasting more than 10 minutes), after which she texted me the other day "just to let me know that it was nice talking to me again". I replied coldly a few days later that "We'll see what happens", after which she seemed to gain interest. One month later, I learned through a mutual friend of mine that she had been asking her questions about what I was saying about her, and a few days after that she came into my office at work and was almost begging for us to be on more friendlier terms again (I took the news of her dating him very badly at the time). Since then, we have been talking briefly with one another at work, but nothing special. It really messed with my head though, as I was starting to forget about her during the period of February/March when she started taking contact with me again like that. We had a long talk together about two weeks ago, because I couldn't stand the whole situation of "pretending to be friends at work", while I am still quite hurt over how she behaved towards me by leading me on after the breakup (we still held hands and had what obviously were date'ish activities, like dinner with wine). During our talk, I told her about how I was quite curious as to what she wanted from me after such a long time, and that I was not happy with it if she was getting back to me in case she just wanted attention after a breakup. I didn't mention a reunion of sorts at all, just that I was curious of her motives. She said she didn't do it for the attention, but that it felt draining on her to not talk to me anymore (strange though, considering she had no problem with it when she was dating him), and then emphasized that she -only- wants us to be friends now, even though she doesn't expect us to be friends anymore if I don't want to. I initially said that I didn't think it would work out being fully friends again, but we have texted a bit back and forth since. I notice that I still have residual feelings for her, even though I can perfectly manage to live without her. Nevertheless I told her that in the event that we further explore friendship, it would require a lot more talking since I dont trust her at this point, and that "in any case, dinner and wine is off the table". She agreed to that today, and wants us to further explore long talks if that's what it takes, but is content with us not being friends. What I wonder is: What does this woman want from me, and why is she so concerned about us being friends? Right now I am looking for a girlfriend or at the very least a FWB arrangement, and have been dating (unsuccessfully) with different women over several months now. She has been clear that she only wants us to be friends again, but I dont understand why it's so important to her. Also, I may add, she has been less vigorous about it over the last month than when she was probing my friends or contacting me actively, but still gives replies with very long texts about how she is interested in this friendship. Was she just looking for an ego-boost back in early spring? Could she want something more than friendship despite her saying otherwise, and why is this friendship so damn important to her? What should I do? Long story short: I still have residual feelings but I'm hell-bent on not getting hurt again. Friendship is also something I definitely don't desire with her, as my I want to focus my attention on women that can reciprocate my feelings. Should I further explore her motives (in case she has a hidden agenda of reunion), or just cut the cord completely? We will no longer be working together in 3 weeks by the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 At this point.... you have two options. The one that protects your feelings the most is to cut her off cold and go NC. Forget she exist and move on. The one that might get you this woman is to be really direct and say you want to date her. It sounds like she will likely shoot you down if you do that....but if she does not shoot you down then you're dating her. If she say anything about not wanting to date then just walk away and go NC. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I'm sorry, I don't even have to read the details of this. All you are is an emotional crutch for her. Don't do it, especially since you do still have feelings. Stop talking to her...block and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Used2KnowU Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 i read your first paragraph. please dont do it my brother. she wants to be friends after her current relationship fails? seems to me she is looking for a shoulder. keep your pride my friend and keep her at a very far distant. she seems very selfish and is only concerned about herself 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sam1986 Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 Having posted this in another forum, I got a good question: Do I feel love, crush or lust towards her? Good question.. I certainly don't have a crush on her anymore, and as for love.. well, I guess there is a connection between us that lives on in the form of good memories and the sharing of secrets that we know about each other that makes our connection a bit different. I do however feel a great deal of lust at the moment. Having had a long dry spell, I really mostly desire to get some action these days. Therefore I wonder now if I should just be blunt with her, seeing as she wants the friendship so badly, to just toss an offer of a FWB arrangement out there, or otherwise no closer relations at all. Definitely saving my emotional energy for a girl that will reciprocate. She could of course shoot me down on this, but I see us dating again as even more unlikely anyway. Any thoughts on such arrangements, or if being blunt on the subject would even work? (I am definitely not getting into a "friends" type of deal where I hope for something like FWB or dating, as being around her as a true emotional friend is too draining on me) PS: I am definitely not feeling the need for her anymore. I would at the most consider a relationship if she begged me and worked really hard for it, but seeing as that's not gonna happen I'm not gonna bother to even push the issue. Plus, I got a date lined up in a few weeks, which looks somewhat promising. Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I have always had a hard time "being friends" after a romantic relationship, but there is one exception. I remained friends with - we will call her Sabrina - mostly because we attended the same church and her brother was my best friend. We were close for several years until I moved away. The feelings of attraction and the desire for more never left, however, and she definitely took advantage of that from time-to-time! That never changed until she got married. While you are working together there is always a need to be cordial. It's expected and if you're not it can create problems. If you don't want a friendship with her it's best to be honest and upfront. You can let her know that your feelings are too raw and you can't go there. Trying to read more into what her motives are is never really a good option whatsoever. Take her at her word, hold her to it. Link to post Share on other sites
foolinlove79 Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 I honestly think when an ex says they just want to be friends its either because they feel guilty they hurt you and it makes them feel better or they are keeping you as a back up in case they dont meet someone else. Either way it really is all about them. Personally ive never been able to do it. It makes it very hard to move on. All the things about NC are true. You need it for your own sanity and to heal and move forward. Maybe years from now when you have both moved forward it could work. But i can only see it causing you pain right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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