Overthinker...but maybe i'm right about this one? ?!?

[beandel]

So I've been in my current LDR for almost 10 months officially and over 1 year 3 months unofficially.

 

My bf is the gamey type- he can get lost in video games for hours and can get quite addicted sometimes. Now since we've been together there have been three distinct phases I can remember- one was pretty soon after we first made it official - he was just totally unaware of his lack of communication and I had to spell it out for him in a serious conversation after I could no longer take it. He really apologized for it and I saw a drastic change the very next minute! For months!

 

Then he fell into it again, a couple months later- just not being aware that we only have skype and text and phone calls and his absence due to video games (or so he says- which I've seen with my own eyes when I'm around) can cause a problem. He apologized again and I am sure it was also just as genuine as the first. He fixed it again and tried even harder.

 

The third time is happening right now- we are due to see each other soon (3 + weeks- eeeek!! :laugh:) and he has been once again really down with his communication. To break it down :

 

- He works nights and I dance and work days. When he's home from his shift, I am at work. We have a 1 hr window before he goes to bed. He extended it to 3 hrs to "talk to me". He now gets up at 6pm and i'm already at dance by then. I get home at 10 and we have 45 mins before he goes for his shift- Sunday to Thursday this is the schedule. Now this is fine for us because we use the weekends and really try to message even when he's at work or i'm at dance as well and we get a lot of talking done there.

 

-Recently however, his messages are few and far between, I have to "give him 10 mins" most times before we can Skype whenever I ask. This happens quite often regularly but it picked up this last round of communication breakdown.

 

-His messages are short and it seems rushed most of the time. He knows I overthink things and I unhealthily think he's cheating sometimes (which I am trying to fix). Twice I asked him if anything was wrong- once when he went out with his sis and didn't answer his phone after the movie (though he did message 10 mins later to say he was home) and once later last weekend.

 

 

I couldn't take it anymore and I told him it was unacceptable. He listened to what I was saying, he apologized again, made a couple jokes (as is his nature to ease the situation) and he said he understood and noticed that he didn't message a lot these past days. He also said he knows i've brought it up before and that he thinks he just goes into phases where he gets too addicted to his games and he has to be pulled up on it ever so often (he really is the type of person you have to spell things out for sometimes). I asked if he thinks its anything else and he said there's nothing he can think of. He reiterated that he's excited to see me and that he really doesn't think his behaviour had anything to do with me or our relationship or even the stress of being in an LDR.

 

He also said he thought I would think he had someone else that night that he didn't answer the phone after the movies. Which I thought was both spot on in his analysis of my thinking or also weird that he went there even though I didn't mention that I would have gone there in my thinking (could it be that he actually was with someone?)

 

I say all this to ask the following:

 

1. Do you think there is the possibility that there is something that he is not telling me?

2. Based on the fact that this keeps happening in waves - can it really be video games or maybe a personality trait where he just isn't in the mood for a relationship?

3. I'm tired of always bringing this up- is there a way to deal with it permanently (i really hate being a nag, i have no problem with video games- just his awareness of the relationship in there-) so that i don't have to do this again (i fear he will eventually resent me or find me needy/controlling/naggy)

4. The fact that it happens multiple times- can it be that he gets distracted/bored of the relationship? Most times its just after or close to before we meet. So maybe as he knows he going to see me he just relaxes and isn't as anxious to communicate? This to me still isn't ok.

5. Does it seem that he may have someone/others and his time (staying up later in the morning) is being given to them and not me?

 

I wish I could explain this in more detail but I suppose with responses I can clear any issues up.

 

To end- he is a kind hearted guy- and I really do love him and want a long term future with him but at the same time- I'm scared to always have to deal with forgetfulness. I know there are things to accept in a relationship and I wouldn't mind if I know 100% that its the video games. I listen to phrases about intuition and this time something seems wrong. I want to know if i'm not overthinking and if it can indeed be something else and not just video games.

 

HELP?!?!?

[d0nnivain]

Since you have pointed out that he puts gaming over spending time with you on 3 occasions when are you going to realize that you will never come 1st?

 

The fact that it happens around the times you do get to see each other in person tells me he likes the virtual aspects of your relationship better than the real thing.

[beandel]

I hear what you are saying which is why I'm wondering if its me and its just that he simply isnt 100% as interested as he says/thinks.

 

I still would't also go with that fully based on the fact that this happens months in between and the moment i mention it he straightens up. He never seems to be forcing it once I tell him - its always a sort of self realization moment for him and he swiftly attempts to change which is why I cannot say i'm not number one. If i weren't he wouldn't even try to change and the relaspes would happen by the next week not months in duration. The effort wouldn't make sense.

 

I get how you could mention the virtual part but i feel like that is part of how we are - being in this ldr and communicating online but when we meet- i cannot begin to explain how extremely excited, alive and affectionate he becomes. When we leave again, he cries and cries, and i mean serious heaving sobs and is sad for quite a while upon his return - so its also difficult for me to agree that he's some virtual behind a computer desk boyfriend afraid of the world.

 

On another note- we should be bridging the gap in August for at least 2 years where i will be in his country so the ldr problem will be less as we will be a couple hrs (2 1/2 driving) from each other. His excitement for that and the fact that we are making such a step makes it harder for me to accept your "virtual preference" suggestion.

 

Given this information or my take on it- do you have any other analyses?

[d0nnivain]

See what happens when you are closer but until then do not invest in him.

[GoBlue]

I am sorry but I don't agree that this necessarily means that you aren't first in his life. I am going to point out three facts that need to be considered: LDR are unique and have built in problems that some couples can't over-come even in the best of cases; more and more men are video game addicts and this has caused problems in all kinds of relationships especially marriages; sometimes men really are dense and need to be reminded that the relationship requires intentionality. I do want to add, however, that characteristics of the relationship that appear during dating will also be present during marriage. These things don't usually get better they get worse unless there is a concerted effort put into changing them.

 

I think everyone would agree that human beings are not perfect. For that reason, even in good relationships, there are weaknesses and problems that have to be over-come and even dealt with time-and-time again. These are the considerations that have to be addressed in any relationship and they become magnified in an LDR. I suppose when you see each other in three weeks a good face-to-face discussion would be in order. Have you thought about the possibility of meeting with a counselor or Pastor while you are together just to gauge where the relationship is and where it is going? More and more couples are going through pre-engagement counseling these days just to verify that the relationship really is marriage worthy.

[justwhoiam]

We have a 1 hr window before he goes to bed. He extended it to 3 hrs to "talk to me". He now gets up at 6pm and i'm already at dance by then. I get home at 10 and we have 45 mins before he goes for his shift- Sunday to Thursday this is the schedule. Now this is fine for us because we use the weekends and really try to message even when he's at work or i'm at dance as well and we get a lot of talking done there.

Honestly, this sounds like work.

 

Recently however, his messages are few and far between, I have to "give him 10 mins" most times before we can Skype whenever I ask.

Wow. He needs 10 minutes to get on Skype. What's wrong with that? It can take me 15 or even 20 minutes, so what? I don't get it. I guess you are a bit suffocating. How old are you both?

 

His messages are short

My texts are very short. I don't like texting. I prefer to Skype from my laptop. I also have to pay if texts are sent abroad, so I try to avoid that. I'm not sure why his texts are short, does that happen while he's working? You shouldn't give him a hard time for not texting when he's working.

 

once when he went out with his sis and didn't answer his phone after the movie (though he did message 10 mins later to say he was home) and once later last weekend.

You need to let him breathe. If he answers the phone after an hour or two while he's with his family members, what's wrong with that? Maybe he was driving home, maybe he went to a mall, maybe he had a drink with his sister and they were talking... Don't be so suffocating.

 

I couldn't take it anymore and I told him it was unacceptable.

I don't think a couple can keep up with so much work. Your routine is too strict. There should be room for other things, or deviations from the standard plan.

 

Do you think there is the possibility that there is something that he is not telling me?

Of course, we all have something we don't tell.

 

Based on the fact that this keeps happening in waves - can it really be video games or maybe a personality trait where he just isn't in the mood for a relationship?

No, you just need to let him be. If then he doesn't look for you, then and only then it'd be a problem.

 

I'm tired of always bringing this up- is there a way to deal with it permanently (i really hate being a nag, i have no problem with video games- just his awareness of the relationship in there-) so that i don't have to do this again (i fear he will eventually resent me or find me needy/controlling/naggy)

Men tend to get comfortable when in a relationship, I don't want to generalize, but it's pretty common. Talk to him and set some rules for your relationship that he agrees with. If then it doesn't stick to them, you will remind him. I guess it's very very difficult to find a man who doesn't need to be reminded...... and with age, things might get worse. Men and women are different creatures, and we need to deal with that.

 

Does it seem that he may have someone/others and his time (staying up later in the morning) is being given to them and not me?

No idea about that. I don't have a crystal ball. But you can't take up all of his time permanently/long-term. So it can just happen in waves, because then he needs to catch up with the rest left behind.

 

I'm scared to always have to deal with forgetfulness.

Does he remember your birthday? Does he remember important holidays? Valentine's? If he does, then don't be too hard on him. It's a man. Not a chick. And you need to bear that in your mind.