His request is making me crazy

[NotSoSoft]

Hi there- long time lurker, first time posting. Sorry, this will be long.

 

My husband somewhat blindsided me the other night and I'm struggling with it.

 

I've been struggling with very low desire lately, partially because my husband has really let himself go- he's gained a significant amount of weight and spends most of his free time playing video games and drinking. I on the other hand make fitness and health a priority. He watches porn pretty much every night after I go to bed- which I never cared about because it was just fantasy and release for him. He's constantly horny and is always trying to get me to have sex with him. 1-2x per week is our average right now which is way too little for him but I would be fine without it entirely. I still have libido, just not for him. It's extremely frustrating and worrisome to me.

 

So, after sex he starts telling me that he's a bit jealous of his best friend because he and his wife have a very open dialog about fantasies and sex. He tells me that he wants to know my fantasies. I completely panicked. I had no idea what to say because quite honestly, my fantasies are me with another man completely and I'm not about to say that to him and break his heart. So...I just froze. Well, he realizes that the conversation is not going how he planned and tells me that he really wants me to consider a threesome. I tell him probably not but "maybe someday" I would consider it if it happened organically (true). At this point I jokingly said "besides, what hot person is going to want to bang us?". He pauses and finally gets to the truth- he HAS someone in mind. This person happens to be a frickin porn star in another state and is coming to town next month. They were friends in college and they are now friends on social media. I was shocked. And then pissed that he really had this proposition on his mind throughout this entire conversation. I told him I had to think about it because I was really not comfortable with the thought of being with a sex industry worker because of the STD risk.

 

I finally told him that I would commit to nothing sexual but would agree to go to the bar with her. He is ecstatic. Fine. But now he's obsessively planning this whole get together and I think he's totally convinced that I'm going to wind up back at her hotel room afterward despite what I clearly said.

 

I feel like if I go back on the offer to hang out with her, he's going to be really upset and disappointed. He's mentioned that he wants to see her while she's here regardless of if we all want to get together- I am NOT ok with him getting together with her without me at all. I know that he'd not shame me for it, but I do think that it would hurt our marriage while we're already in a vulnerable place. I don't know what to do. I feel trapped into this and pressured. WWYD?

[d0nnivain]

If you aren't into a threesome, tell him that. Don't waste everybody's time going to meet this person.

 

What you really want is a healthy sex life with him, only you want him to be a little slimmer, less drunk & more attentive. I suggest you find kinder words then I chose but tell him that.

[redtail]

1-2x per week is our average right now which is way too little for him but I would be fine without it entirely.

 

I am NOT ok with him getting together with her without me at all.

Cut to the chase, the threesome idea is not a good idea given the state of your marriage. A solid marriage that is ready for curious exploration, is in a better position to weather the realities of a threesome, IMHO.

 

However, I noticed two things that are concerning. While I understand your lack of attraction, you must also understand that your husband still seems to have all of his. Given that, you are not willing to meet his needs and yet you are also seemingly adamant that he can not seek to satisfy his needs elsewhere. So he is stuck at this point.

 

So the meeting of each others' needs is where the conversation with your husband should be going, not a threesome. Perhaps a therapist can help you with getting your husband more motivated to improve his physical appearance and you with seeing your husband as desirable.

 

Just a thought, best of luck to you!

[Clay]

If you are not having those feelings for him in the bedroom you clearly have other issues you need to work on long before even thinking about bringing someone else into the relationship. I think you need to be honest with him so he can choose the path in life he wants to take. Sure it would hurt like hell to hear that you dream about being with other men and not about being with him but at least he would know where he stood.

 

 

 

Wow. Sounds like a wreck waiting for a place to happen.

 

Clay

[jen1447]

It was probably a mistake to agree to the bar - mixed signals and all that. But I agree it would be bad form to go back on that now.

 

I have to ask - is the 'college pornstar friend' thing really legit? Seems unlikely, at least in the context it's been put. No offense but is there a good reason other than money for an old friend pornstar to want to hang around with a heavyset guy who drinks a lot and doesn't appeal to his own wife very much sexually?

 

Many pornstars - even upper tier ones - have certain types of business ventures going - escorts, stripping, online services like skype sessions etc. - in addition to their porn careers.

[Phoenician]

Not point fingers but sine realistic facts;

He is hd and ur ld,could be just for him , but at the same time claiming that 2times per week is enoigh is alarming ,u r stuck on number of times rather than quality,

 

What turns u off? His weight,his drinking?

Was it alwaus like this since begining ?

Or at what ppint ut changed.

His addiction to porn is related to disatisfaction of quality and may be quantity

 

The questions is before u assume he is a jerk :

Did u try few exitment methods ,is he selfish in bed?

How u view/give/get oral?

One fact i see that makes me admire him is that he is honest to u , i feel

If u llshow him care he will not turn his fantasies into reality

Onr thing u should understand is that the language of love in us men is physical we can indulge in romance through physical actions.

 

On the other hand if he is porn addict ? It is a sickness that u need to help him with remember your vows.

If they r not real u need no stay in this marriage...

[MJJean]

It was probably a mistake to agree to the bar - mixed signals and all that. But I agree it would be bad form to go back on that now.

 

I have to ask - is the 'college pornstar friend' thing really legit? Seems unlikely, at least in the context it's been put. No offense but is there a good reason other than money for an old friend pornstar to want to hang around with a heavyset guy who drinks a lot and doesn't appeal to his own wife very much sexually?

 

Many pornstars - even upper tier ones - have certain types of business ventures going - escorts, stripping, online services like skype sessions etc. - in addition to their porn careers.

 

He doesn't seem to look much like he did in college, so are you sure she is fully aware of his changed appearance and the fact that he let himself go? Might be she has no clue and is picturing the body he had however many years ago.

 

He wants more sex. You want him to take better care of himself so that you can feel aroused by him and give him the sex he wants, threesome not withstanding unless perfect conditions are met.

 

Seems to me the solution to your problem is to suck it up, tell him how you feel about his weight gain and habits, and then help him to get healthier.

 

You also might want to mention the damaging effects weight, poor diet, and drinking have on sexual performance. If he's gained a lot of weight and been drinking while whacking off to porn every night I'm inclined to say he would fall short of the mark in an attempted 3-way. Frankly, he's likely not capable in his current condition of porn star sex with one woman, much less two.

[NotSoSoft]

It was probably a mistake to agree to the bar - mixed signals and all that. But I agree it would be bad form to go back on that now.

 

I have to ask - is the 'college pornstar friend' thing really legit? Seems unlikely, at least in the context it's been put. No offense but is there a good reason other than money for an old friend pornstar to want to hang around with a heavyset guy who drinks a lot and doesn't appeal to his own wife very much sexually?

 

Many pornstars - even upper tier ones - have certain types of business ventures going - escorts, stripping, online services like skype sessions etc. - in addition to their porn careers.

 

Mmm hmm. Trust me, the bolded has definitely occurred to me as well.

 

To clarify though, he wants SHE AND I to get together while he watches (I'm sure he's hoping to be invited in but he probably knew I'd never agree to that).

 

From how he tells it, she approached him saying that I was hot in a "just sayin..." kind of way and he ran with it.

 

I honestly don't know what to believe.

[MJJean]

Mmm hmm. Trust me, the bolded has definitely occurred to me as well.

 

To clarify though, he wants SHE AND I to get together while he watches (I'm sure he's hoping to be invited in but he probably knew I'd never agree to that).

 

From how he tells it, she approached him saying that I was hot in a "just sayin..." kind of way and he ran with it.

 

I honestly don't know what to believe.

 

Ok, so does he want a full participation 3 way or just you girls with him watching? Would you want to be with this woman if it's just you and her together with him only watching?

 

Put like you phrased it above, it sounds like she is interested in you and willing to put up with him to get you.

[NotSoSoft]

Not point fingers but sine realistic facts;

He is hd and ur ld,could be just for him , but at the same time claiming that 2times per week is enoigh is alarming ,u r stuck on number of times rather than quality,

 

What turns u off? His weight,his drinking? Both. Just his general college-like lifestyle really. The drinking is the biggest thing though and it's causing the weight issue

Was it alwaus like this since begining ? No. We've been married 8 years and it was once great.

Or at what ppint ut changed. I've been having desire issues since he started gaming and drinking everynight- about 2 years

His addiction to porn is related to disatisfaction of quality and may be quantity

 

The questions is before u assume he is a jerk :

Did u try few exitment methods ,is he selfish in bed? No, he's not selfish- and when we do have sex it's not bad. It's getting excited/motivated for it that I have an issue with

How u view/give/get oral? we both give and get

One fact i see that makes me admire him is that he is honest to u , i feel

If u llshow him care he will not turn his fantasies into reality

Onr thing u should understand is that the language of love in us men is physical we can indulge in romance through physical actions.

 

On the other hand if he is porn addict ? It is a sickness that u need to help him with remember your vows.

If they r not real u need no stay in this marriage...

 

answers in bold above

[NotSoSoft]

He doesn't seem to look much like he did in college, so are you sure she is fully aware of his changed appearance and the fact that he let himself go? Might be she has no clue and is picturing the body he had however many years ago.

 

He wants more sex. You want him to take better care of himself so that you can feel aroused by him and give him the sex he wants, threesome not withstanding unless perfect conditions are met.

 

Seems to me the solution to your problem is to suck it up, tell him how you feel about his weight gain and habits, and then help him to get healthier.

 

You also might want to mention the damaging effects weight, poor diet, and drinking have on sexual performance. If he's gained a lot of weight and been drinking while whacking off to porn every night I'm inclined to say he would fall short of the mark in an attempted 3-way. Frankly, he's likely not capable in his current condition of porn star sex with one woman, much less two.

 

I know. I really do care about him though and I really don't want to hurt him. He's really sensitive and he's already very prone to depression. I just don't know how to get the point across without being blunt and hurtful. Subtle hints have not worked.

[NotSoSoft]

Ok, so does he want a full participation 3 way or just you girls with him watching? Would you want to be with this woman if it's just you and her together with him only watching?

 

Put like you phrased it above, it sounds like she is interested in you and willing to put up with him to get you.

 

If he's portraying this accurately to me, then yea, that is the case. But he's SUPER excited to watch.

 

Honestly, yea she's pretty hot and if she came on to me in a bar randomly, I probably would be interested. It's the disease risk that gives me pause.

[redtail]

If he's portraying this accurately to me, then yea, that is the case. But he's SUPER excited to watch.

 

Honestly, yea she's pretty hot and if she came on to me in a bar randomly, I probably would be interested. It's the disease risk that gives me pause.

 

You seem really caring about your husbands feelings, and I appreciate that. However, not to pick on little details of things you're mentioning, but you're excited about sex with a woman and your only reservation is possible STD? Pardon my naiveté but what am I missing?

[CarrieT]

Be honest with him:

 

You would have considered it if it had happened organically and unexpectedly. But now that he has been setting it up, the entire situation is contrived and you are feeling pressured and are not interested in this type of scenario.

 

Diffuse it before the chick shows up. You can still go and have drinks, but he needs to understand that the situation is no longer organic and his expectations are out of line.

[NotSoSoft]

Be honest with him:

 

You would have considered it if it had happened organically and unexpectedly. But now that he has been setting it up, the entire situation is contrived and you are feeling pressured and are not interested in this type of scenario.

 

Diffuse it before the chick shows up. You can still go and have drinks, but he needs to understand that the situation is no longer organic and his expectations are out of line.

 

This is exactly how I feel and the wording is perfect. Thank you.

 

And to the other commentor- sex with a female is something that I've done (in a threesome setting) before we were married, just as a fun time, not as a major sexual preference. I'm pretty adventurous sexually, but that did happen organically and I wasn't committed to anyone at the time. This....along with our other issues...just seems like a bad idea.

[strongAce]

You seem to have great communication with each other and imo, that is the key for a succesful relationship. Whatever you decide, just make sure you are entirely honest and can live with the regrets that might arise.

 

Tell him about his health and drinking. Tell him you worry about him and only want the best for the both of you. Afterall, if you two are open about talking a threesome, I dont see why you cant be open about your concerns and turnoffs. Dont do anything you are not entirely sure you want to do, and if you do give in, dont blame anyone else but yourself If you end up regreting it (dont hold it against him)

 

I too, thought that I could be open with my wife, but her lies pretty much destroyed our relationship.

[stillafool]

If you don't want to do it I don't know why you don't just tell him so. Tell him about your fantasy, that you would consider a 3 some if it's with another man, then he can watch.

[jen1447]

I honestly don't know what to believe.

Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I don't know any pornstars, but I assume there are many perfectly honest and delightful ones, but ....bias I guess - they wouldn't be my first choice to put a lot of random faith in.

[redtail]

And to the other commentor- sex with a female is something that I've done (in a threesome setting) before we were married, just as a fun time, not as a major sexual preference. I'm pretty adventurous sexually, but that did happen organically and I wasn't committed to anyone at the time. This....along with our other issues...just seems like a bad idea.

 

Okay, cool, thanks for the explanation, it seems you have a handle on the situation, just a matter of sharing it with your husband.

[spanz1]

he wants a threeway, but with another woman? after tubbing out on you???

 

 

I do not see the benefit to you at all. it is fairly likely you will get an STD.

 

 

How about instead saying NO! I will do a threesome, but only with a man of MY choosing

[oldshirt]

Wow, there are multiple levels of messed up here!!

 

 

There are issues that run so deep, you aren't even noticing other issues.

 

 

First off let me say I agree with you in that you two are in no position where you should be bringing any 3rd parties into your bedroom. You need to fix the cracks and holes in your foundation before you start picking out wallpaper for the storeroom.

 

 

 

 

I am going to address a few things in bold below and then maybe add some other info down at the bottom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've been struggling with very low desire lately, partially because my husband has really let himself go- he's gained a significant amount of weight and spends most of his free time playing video games and drinking.

 

 

. He watches porn pretty much every night after I go to bed-

 

 

So when were you planning on addressing these issues? At what point were you going to step up and do something about this???

 

 

 

 

He's constantly horny and is always trying to get me to have sex with him. 1-2x per week is our average right now which is way too little for him but I would be fine without it entirely. I still have libido, just not for him.

 

 

 

 

So why are you having sex with him AT ALL if you find him so unappealing and slovenly? Why are you engaging in an activity you do not wish and do not desire?

By engaging in 2 x sex per week, he thinks everything is hunky dory and is making no effort to shape up, quit drinking or laying off the porn.

You may think you are being "NICE" but you are actually destroying your marriage. You are becoming more repulsed by him and are building up more resentment and bitterness and in time that will blow over into a big crisis.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's extremely frustrating and worrisome to me.

 

So why aren't you taking any action to correct it??

 

 

So, after sex he starts telling me that he's a bit jealous of his best friend because he and his wife have a very open dialog about fantasies and sex. He tells me that he wants to know my fantasies. I completely panicked. I had no idea what to say because quite honestly, my fantasies are me with another man completely and I'm not about to say that to him and break his heart.

 

 

So you had an opportunity to address the issues but you didn't want to rock the boat........the boat that is already sinking fast.

You do realize that it is just a matter of time before some guy that you do find attractive gives you the nudge-nudge-wink-wink right?

At this pace, it is almost inevitable that one of these days, you will become involved with another man and that will break his heart a hellofa lot more than addressing the current issue.

You are being penny-wise but dollar-foolish. You are trying to save some discomfort now, which will build up and cause tremendous pain for both you down the road.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So...I just froze. Well, he realizes that the conversation is not going how he planned and tells me that he really wants me to consider a threesome. I tell him probably not but "maybe someday" I would consider it if it happened organically (true).

 

 

You aren't even having sex with HIM organically. Why are you even discussing theoretical 3somes with him as a possibility in the future when you don't even want to have sex with him now??

you are just digging yourself in deeper and setting him up for having the rug completely pulled out from under him.

He thinks everything is ok here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

At this point I jokingly said "besides, what hot person is going to want to bang us?".

 

 

 

 

What you were really trying to say is, "what person is going to want to bang YOU?"

You have lost attraction and desire for him (presumably for legitimate reasons) There for you are assuming that no one else will want him either.

 

 

 

 

He pauses and finally gets to the truth- he HAS someone in mind. This person happens to be a frickin porn star in another state and is coming to town next month. They were friends in college and they are now friends on social media. I was shocked. And then pissed that he really had this proposition on his mind throughout this entire conversation.

 

 

 

 

OK, I get that. But how he should have brought it up?? She he have walked in the door after getting home from work and said, "hey honey, do you remember that porn star I used to know in college? well she's gonna be in town next week and wants to doughnut-bump on you while I watch. Is that ok?"

 

 

He brought it up OK? It may not have been perfect but if you have the perfect way to broach the subject, I'd like to here it. My wife and I have been swinging ourselves for almost ten years and I still haven't quite figured out the perfect way to set up a play date.

 

 

I told him I had to think about it because I was really not comfortable with the thought of being with a sex industry worker because of the STD risk.

 

 

 

 

Again your degree of avoidance and deflection are striking. Your husband approaches you about a 3some with porn worker and your response is you'll "think about it" and the only reason you can come up with to have hesitation is STDs????????????

 

I finally told him that I would commit to nothing sexual but would agree to go to the bar with her. He is ecstatic. Fine. But now he's obsessively planning this whole get together and I think he's totally convinced that I'm going to wind up back at her hotel room afterward despite what I clearly said.

 

 

OK, as a guy, (and formerly a very active swinger) I have to admit, if I approached my wife about hooking up with porn actress and the only thing she said was she would meet up with her with no pressure and her only hesitation was STDs, I would buy a box of condoms and would have the Jacuzzi in the hotel suite nice and warm and would have several bottles of wine chilling on ice and I would be popping vitamin pills and Viagra like popcorn.

I don't care what you clearly said. What you clearly did not say was 'no.' That's good enough for any guy under similar circumstances.

 

I feel like if I go back on the offer to hang out with her, he's going to be really upset and disappointed.

 

 

Gee do ya think?

You have a golden shovel and are digging yourself in deeper by the minute.

 

 

He's mentioned that he wants to see her while she's here regardless of if we all want to get together- I am NOT ok with him getting together with her without me at all.

 

 

Have you or have you not expressly told him that????

Again, going back on my perspective as a guy. If I asked my wife if she wanted a 3way with a porn actress and she gave me the lines you have given him and at the last minute she said she wasn't really in the mood for a 3way after all but didn't lay down any boundaries, I'd be saying, " see ya in the morning as I was heading out the door."

 

 

I know that he'd not shame me for it, but I do think that it would hurt our marriage while we're already in a vulnerable place.

 

 

It would hurt your marriage if you didn't agree to have sex with a porn worker you've never met???? it would hurt your marriage to not let your husband go on a date with a porn star without you there????

Are you picking up what I'm lay'n down here??

Are you seeing the picture I am trying to draw?

I'm trying to say that your marriage is ALREADY hurting real real bad and your head in the sand approach is making it fester worse by the day.

 

 

 

 

I don't know what to do.

 

 

What would your grandmother say to do if you told her all of this?

 

 

Please read below

 

 

 

 

I feel trapped into this and pressured. WWYD?

 

 

 

I know I'm kind of coming off sounding like a sarcastic ass, but I really don't mean to hurt your feelings or put you down, but rather kind of whack you upside the head and make you see what's right in front of your face.

 

 

One of the reasons I am so adamant is one of my good female friends had her whole 25 year marriage go up in a ball of flames in just a matter of weeks over something quite similar to this (it was a stripper and nude model but not a porn star per se)

 

 

And it was her head-in-the-sand approach and passivity and lack of addressing the underlying issues that directly lead to the implosion of her marriage. She completely neglected the underlying issues and passively let him move a stripper into her home and allowed him to bang the stripper in her bed while she was trying to sleep and she just kept letting it go on because she didn't want the hassle of anyone arguing or thinking she was mean.

 

 

Instead of pointing out that she wasn't interested in that lifestyle, she sat on her hands and did nothing because she wanted him to decide that he didn't want the stripper living in their house. She didn't want to be the bad guy by laying down rules and boundaries.

 

 

 

 

You are doing exactly and I do mean EXACTLY what she did. You are passively accepting his drinking, his obesity, his porn addiction and his fantasies of porn stars by acting like everything is hunky dory and hoping he will just magically stop the booze, hit the gym and give up the porn.

 

 

.....and in the mean time you are getting more and more resentful and bitter towards him and your connection is becoming less and less.

 

 

And just like my friend, in a matter of days, weeks or months, you are going to meet and fall for someone else and he is going to be banging away on some stripper/porn star and it's all going to come crumbling down in a matter of days when the dam breaks.

 

 

It's time to grown some ovaries and start standing up for yourself and drawing some lines in the sand.

 

 

You either fight for your marriage and stand up for what will make your marriage work for you - or you throw in the towel right now and walk away. Make a stand either way.

[NotSoSoft]

Oldshirt...thank you. I needed that slap in the face. It hurt, but I needed it.

 

I suck, and I mean SUCK at conflict and dealing with uncomfortable situations. I freeze, panic, and make bad quick decisions to try and get out of it as quickly as possible.

 

It's honestly the fact that I KNOW I will hurt him by bringing up his weight that is stopping me. I've struggled with it in the past and he stood by me and didn't mention anything, but I got on the program myself and fixed things for my own good. I guess I was waiting for him to do that, but it's clearly not going to happen that way.

 

The drinking I know I need to address. I am just scared.

 

His overall lifestyle- the video games and the porn...well I have a hard time with that one because he's always enjoyed these things since we've met- and I truly have no issue with the porn unless it interferes with our relationship, which it never really did up until now. The video games- I never cared as long as he wasn't neglecting me in favor of them- he ONLY plays at night and that's why I've not considered it an issue. IF he were engaging in an otherwise healthy, well rounded lifestyle, I still wouldn't have an issue.

 

As to why I still have sex with him....well, I WANT a good relationship with him and most of the time once we're actually in the act, I enjoy it. It's getting in the mood and getting aroused that I have a problem with. I kept hoping that the "sex begets sex" thing would work and I would start enjoying it again, but the continual weight gain is pushing it in the other direction.

 

But yea, overall you are correct in saying that HE thinks that everything is hunky dory and that is not OK. I'm harboring a lot of resentment over it all and I know that resentment poisons marriages.

 

Thank you- really.

[MJJean]

Oldshirt...thank you. I needed that slap in the face. It hurt, but I needed it.

 

I suck, and I mean SUCK at conflict and dealing with uncomfortable situations. I freeze, panic, and make bad quick decisions to try and get out of it as quickly as possible.

 

It's honestly the fact that I KNOW I will hurt him by bringing up his weight that is stopping me. I've struggled with it in the past and he stood by me and didn't mention anything, but I got on the program myself and fixed things for my own good. I guess I was waiting for him to do that, but it's clearly not going to happen that way.

 

The drinking I know I need to address. I am just scared.

 

His overall lifestyle- the video games and the porn...well I have a hard time with that one because he's always enjoyed these things since we've met- and I truly have no issue with the porn unless it interferes with our relationship, which it never really did up until now. The video games- I never cared as long as he wasn't neglecting me in favor of them- he ONLY plays at night and that's why I've not considered it an issue. IF he were engaging in an otherwise healthy, well rounded lifestyle, I still wouldn't have an issue.

 

As to why I still have sex with him....well, I WANT a good relationship with him and most of the time once we're actually in the act, I enjoy it. It's getting in the mood and getting aroused that I have a problem with. I kept hoping that the "sex begets sex" thing would work and I would start enjoying it again, but the continual weight gain is pushing it in the other direction.

 

But yea, overall you are correct in saying that HE thinks that everything is hunky dory and that is not OK. I'm harboring a lot of resentment over it all and I know that resentment poisons marriages.

 

Thank you- really.

 

Print OldShirt's post and this one then give them to your husband.

[demrea]

many others have done a good job exploring the issues with you but can I address the STD comment?

 

 

its far more likely you will get an STD from a random hook up than from a professional. pro's not only are typically far more educated they take the necessary precautions that the Friday night bar stars don't.

 

 

not saying there is no chance of an STD but if you think having sex with a random will be safer, you are mistaken.