Some guys will remain single and alone no matter what

[dgf]

These guys might have careers, nice houses and cars, be kind and caring and all that but they just can't [arouse] the emotional and sexual energy in the ladies. These guys can lower their standards all they want and it won't make a damn bit of difference.

Modern dating.

Edited June 11, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[2nd tyme]

It's true that some guys will remain single and alone, but its not because "no matter what", its precisely because of the "what". They'll say "no matter what" but it's a cop-out.

[dgf]

It's true that some guys will remain single and alone, but its not because "no matter what", its precisely because of the "what". They'll say "no matter what" but it's a cop-out.

 

Not are single but no matter what but some are single no matter what. He will get rejected by ladies of all shapes and sizes and all the self help in the world won't help him if he can't turn on whatever ladies hVe inside that that triggers attraction. About 2 or 3 out of 100 have no chance. It's impossible for some of the guys.

Edited May 12, 2015 by dgf

[Vintage79]

Not are single but no matter what but some are single no matter what. He will get rejected by ladies of all shapes and sizes and all the self help in the world won't help him if he can't turn on whatever ladies hVe inside that that triggers attraction. About 2 or 3 out of 100 have no chance. It's impossible for some of the guys.

 

No - it's only impossible for some guys who don't want to try to improve themselves and make the effort to actually meet someone. Everyone has the opportunity and ability to improve themselves and date someone, many chose not to take advantage of that opportunity and are hence stuck in a bad, undatable place. Being unable to date is self imposed, even if the person doesn't want to admit it...you get plenty of women in the same boat.

[Jonp219]

I agree with this guy most men are just ****ed. I can't even get a date let alone have the opportunity to get reject for a 2nd date.

 

1st date= Bigfoot

2nd date= UFO

Another relationship= Unicorn

Marriage= bahahahaha....*sigh* yeah

[dgf]

No - it's only impossible for some guys who don't want to try to improve themselves and make the effort to actually meet someone. Everyone has the opportunity and ability to improve themselves and date someone, many chose not to take advantage of that opportunity and are hence stuck in a bad, undatable place. Being unable to date is self imposed, even if the person doesn't want to admit it...you get plenty of women in the same boat.

 

Yeah right. Improving oneself isn't enough for some.

[cessna]

I have to agree with the others here. There certainly are people, men and women, who go through life alone having never found love. But that isn't because no one was out there for them or they were 'meant to be single'.

 

I don't think anyone is meant to be single. I also don't think anyone is meant to be in a relationship. And I certainly don't believe the whole "there's someone out there for everyone".

 

But at the same time you have to work for these things. Some might have to work harder than others and that might not be fair but that's life. I have to try a lot harder than other men I know because they have more of what women want. Doesn't mean I'll necessarily be single forever. Who knows, maybe I will be but it's definitely not out of my hands.

[Vintage79]

Yeah right. Improving oneself isn't enough for some.

 

It is enough - you just have to keep working at it. If they're not getting dates yet, there's still more to be done - this could be anything from getting into great shape (possible for everyone, even if they say otherwise), dressing well, working on your personality so that you can have smooth interactions with people, learning where to meet the right people and spending time there, etc. I'm not saying it's easy, and you may get dozens, or more, of rejections, but it is possible for everyone - I've even seen people with high cervical injuries (lifetime wheel chair), the super nerds from high school, people who hardly say a word, the overly serious with no sense of humor (initially), etc., all get dates.

 

A lot of people give up when faced with a challenge - that's different than not being able to get a date, that's an unwillingness to put the effort in to get one.

[fitnessfan365]

These guys might have careers, nice houses and cars, be kind and caring and all that but they just can't around the emotional and sexual energy in the ladies. These guys can lower their standards all they want and it won't make a damn bit of difference.

Modern dating.

 

I think it's because guys like this rely too much on what they think they can "give a woman" and not enough on actual interaction and chemistry. Are there gold diggers out there? Sure. In my opinion though, the average every day woman wants a guy that can stimulate her mind and push her buttons. That isn't something you learn with higher education or buy with financial resources. It comes from instinct and repetition.

[johndoe2]

I have to agree with the others here. There certainly are people, men and women, who go through life alone having never found love. But that isn't because no one was out there for them or they were 'meant to be single'.

 

I don't think anyone is meant to be single. I also don't think anyone is meant to be in a relationship. And I certainly don't believe the whole "there's someone out there for everyone".

 

But at the same time you have to work for these things. Some might have to work harder than others and that might not be fair but that's life. I have to try a lot harder than other men I know because they have more of what women want. Doesn't mean I'll necessarily be single forever. Who knows, maybe I will be but it's definitely not out of my hands.

I don't think you read your own post. You basically admit that, despite your trying, you could well end up alone. In other words, the definition of it being 'out of your hands.'

 

So yes, all the effort in the world is no guarantee that you will not remain, till death, alone. And it is harder for some than for others, and for some it may even be basically impossible. It is also true that it is a vicious circle in which, the more a man is rejected, the more insecure he gets and consequently the more he gets rejected. But many seem to fail to appreciate how difficult such a cycle is to break. It's hard to just forget everything you know about yourself and pretend your hot **** for long enough to impress a woman with your personality. It's hard to completely disconnect your attitude from results.

 

Also, on the topic of self-improvement, that seems to miss the point. Plenty of ****ty people do great in the romance department. And plenty of guys who, by any measure, are quality human beings, do terribly. What does 'self-improvement' have to do with it? You can be the best guy in the world and its no substitute for charisma and social intuition. Especially I think for those of us who had no romantic experience when we were young (high school and college), we're trying to learn new things with an already fully developed brain. There is a strong psychological handicap (like trying to become fluent in Chinese when you're an adult). I think that leaves a lot of us pretty far behind in the race and, again, its a vicious circle, so the farther behind you fall, the harder it becomes to make up lost ground.

 

Having done a good deal of watching 'normal' guys interact with women, the ease with which they interact, and the awkwardness with which I attempt to, I personally am quite certain the difference between me and them is not merely in my head. Some people can't do math no matter how much you try to teach them, it's a neurological impossibility; maybe some have corresponding irreparable social deficits that it is impossible to overcome in the settings that pervade the social world?

[Dallers]

I don't think you read your own post. You basically admit that, despite your trying, you could well end up alone. In other words, the definition of it being 'out of your hands.'

 

So yes, all the effort in the world is no guarantee that you will not remain, till death, alone. And it is harder for some than for others, and for some it may even be basically impossible. It is also true that it is a vicious circle in which, the more a man is rejected, the more insecure he gets and consequently the more he gets rejected. But many seem to fail to appreciate how difficult such a cycle is to break. It's hard to just forget everything you know about yourself and pretend your hot **** for long enough to impress a woman with your personality. It's hard to completely disconnect your attitude from results.

 

Also, on the topic of self-improvement, that seems to miss the point. Plenty of ****ty people do great in the romance department. And plenty of guys who, by any measure, are quality human beings, do terribly. What does 'self-improvement' have to do with it? You can be the best guy in the world and its no substitute for charisma and social intuition. Especially I think for those of us who had no romantic experience when we were young (high school and college), we're trying to learn new things with an already fully developed brain. There is a strong psychological handicap (like trying to become fluent in Chinese when you're an adult). I think that leaves a lot of us pretty far behind in the race and, again, its a vicious circle, so the farther behind you fall, the harder it becomes to make up lost ground.

 

Having done a good deal of watching 'normal' guys interact with women, the ease with which they interact, and the awkwardness with which I attempt to, I personally am quite certain the difference between me and them is not merely in my head. Some people can't do math no matter how much you try to teach them, it's a neurological impossibility; maybe some have corresponding irreparable social deficits that it is impossible to overcome in the settings that pervade the social world?

 

It is difficult to see past the long term effects of what you describe.

 

But it can be overcome. You need to be able to address your fears and work tirelessly to improve yourself learning to succumb to failure and turn it into an experience which pushes you forward not holds you back.

 

Yes you do need to do a huge amount of research online and spend countless hours reading about how to create passion and understanding what women want but you have to put it into a real life situation or you will never go anywhere.

 

I was very insecure and lacking in confidence so much that I was without a woman for two years after I separated from my previous girlfriend. Want to know how I overcame it all? I approached a girl I fancied in the middle of the street and asked her out the ultimate fear right? For me at least I had walked past her for 6 months. The funny thing was she actually gave me her number as well as I pulled it off and although it did not go anywhere it was the beginning of my recovery.

 

Funny enough I saw her earlier and she smiled at me. Obviously her loss.

 

Over time you learn to love yourself and your own life and girls who you would normally add to the pile you pass by and choose to be single and give up sex for the chance at something more meaningful with the right person rather than an easy drama filled quickie.

 

It is not about choosing to be single or being "one of those guys" you need to just learn to love yourself, your life and what you have. She will either come along or she won't. You lived isn't that enough?

[Jonp219]

She will either come along or she won't. You lived isn't that enough?

 

In my opinion, living without a partner is not a life worth living. That sad reality is starting to sink in for me.

[No Limit]

Some women will also always remain single. *shrug*

[thecharade]

My new guy has always been single . . . because women don't enjoy covert abuse. But he doesn't get it.

[PogoStick]

You're right. Some people will just never get it. Does that make you feel better?

 

I already got blown off by 2 girls this week, and it's only Tuesday (And this is why guys multidate!) but I'm not crying. I went and had a drink all by my lonesome and chatted up some dude about the NBA.

 

Life goes on, so then I lined up a date with a 3rd girl later this week.

[johndoe2]

It is not about choosing to be single or being "one of those guys" you need to just learn to love yourself, your life and what you have. She will either come along or she won't. You lived isn't that enough?

Um, no, merely living is not enough for me. And who is "she?" See, this 'there's the one woman out there for you who will come along" is, in my opinion, a outrageous superstition.

 

Let's consider my limited experiences, which I think are relevant to the topic at hand. The handful (3) women who have gone on more than one date with me all broke it off in an eerily similar manner: they hugged me *except for the one who did it over email), told me I was a great guy but that there was 'something missing', that 'special something', etc. I made the point of asking each why specifically, politely, as it is of course the only way to get feedback. Each insisted that it was not me; but it always seemed to come down to some indescribable "special something", "chemistry" or whatever. And to some extent, I'm willing to believe that they were not entirely just flattering me. I'm smart, I have the test scores to prove it, I'm well read, I'm nice and polite. So what am I missing?

 

"That special something." Some indescribably but palpable personality trait, some social intuition, that is necessary for real meaningful social interaction. Like I'm an intricate machine that seems to run just fine, but there is some small piece in it somewhere that is broken, and though the machine is running smoothly it still isn't producing what it's suppose to, because of that imperceptible defect. If it were something obvious, it'd be easier to fix. But even the tiniest of pieces may be necessary, and if one of those pieces are defective, how can you fix it? You can't even see it, you can't tell precisely what's wrong with it. You can only toss out the whole machine and look for one that isn't broken.

 

I think most programmers would agree with me that the hardest bugs to fix are the ones where everything in the program seems to be running fine, but somehow, the whole program doesn't work. Same goes for human beings I guess.

[PogoStick]

Well you learned English, and presumably math, and who knows what other thousand things you've figured out. None of those things came inherently to you. You learned them. Why can't you learn about social interaction and romance? Fear, apathy, laziness?

[johndoe2]

Well you learned English, and presumably math, and who knows what other thousand things you've figured out. None of those things came inherently to you. You learned them. Why can't you learn about social interaction and romance? Fear, apathy, laziness?

 

Um, no. Both mathematical and linguistic ability are largely innate. The difference between me and a Fields medalist is not merely one of education. The Fields has a mathematical brain that even the best education in the world couldn't have given me. And besides, even if these things weren't 'innate', one's ability to learn them declines to almost zero once one is fully developed. I'm sure you're aware that it is much more difficult to learn foreign languages once you reach adulthood. The fact is, it is impossible for a native English speaker to learn to speak Mandarin without an accent if they do not begin learning during early childhood (perhaps as early as age 3).

 

I'm saying the same is likely more true for social interaction and romance as people like to admit. I'd love to be able to speak Mandarin, but with all the courage, effort, and diligence in the world I would never be able to speak it even as well as a Chinese toddler.

[neowulf]

Well you learned English, and presumably math, and who knows what other thousand things you've figured out. None of those things came inherently to you. You learned them. Why can't you learn about social interaction and romance? Fear, apathy, laziness?

 

+1

 

If you take an objective view of your beliefs, you only have to ask one question.

 

"How is this working out for me".

 

In other words, you can actively choose to believe the following;

 

1) I am useless and undesirable. I suck with woman. I will always suck with women. I will never find a partner. I will old and alone and miserable for the rest of my life. I must simply accept this.

 

or

 

2) I am worthwhile. Sure, I have my quirks. But I have my strengths too. The world is huge place, full of many different people. I don't need a string of lovers to make me happy, just one woman to share my life with. I'm sure if I just keep at it, keep practicing, eventually I'll find a person who's a good fit for me. It's just a matter of time.

 

^ So, tell me. Which one of those beliefs do you think is going to get you out of bed in the morning? Going to keep you moving forward. Keep you motivated to try again, even when you suffer set backs.

 

I put on about 20 kg over 2 years, due to medication / depression.

This drastically effected my energy levels, my self esteem and my attractiveness.

 

So, 2015, day 1. I woke up and said "screw this".

Now, 5 months in, I'm exercising regularly, watching what I eat. I'm well on my road to getting back in shape.

 

Was it fun? Easy? No. Not it was not.

Did I suffer setbacks? Disappointment? Yep, all of the above. But that's life.

 

The argument isn't that people don't have challanges. They do. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

[Jonp219]

You're right. Some people will just never get it. Does that make you feel better?

 

I already got blown off by 2 girls this week, and it's only Tuesday (And this is why guys multidate!) but I'm not crying. I went and had a drink all by my lonesome and chatted up some dude about the NBA.

 

Life goes on, so then I lined up a date with a 3rd girl later this week.

 

How does one find dates? Where do you find women because I can't get one...

[PogoStick]

Listen I've struggled like any guy and had my low points. But I noticed something several times. Just show up! Sometimes it is so easy it will blow your mind. I've walked into a bar and 30 minutes later a girl was asking me back to her place. I didn't do anything.

 

New years, a girl just begged me to be her midnight kiss (and later sex), I didn't do anything.

 

I threw a house party and invited all the people I met at MEETUPS (New city, I didn't even have friends and I was crazy depressed)...and that was sick. 3 girls were competing for me at the party.

 

Hell I even met a girl while walking at the park just because her dog ran up to me; 3 weeks later she was in my bed.

 

What doesn't work? Working too much. Being too busy with school. Being depressed and staying home playing video games. That has never got me a girl.

 

After the first girl stood me up this week, I went to the bar alone there was a table of 10 or so collegish students (guys and girls) doing shots (2 of em threw some smiles my way), several female bartenders, and a couple girls across the bar from me. I kept catching one of the girls across the bar looking at me, or was she looking behind me? *Shrug* There's a handful of targets on my "ruined" night. I wasn't in the mood at that point but the opportunities were there.

 

So I'll say it again. Get out of your house and show up!

[Jonp219]

Listen I've struggled like any guy and had my low points. But I noticed something several times. Just show up! Sometimes it is so easy it will blow your mind. I've walked into a bar and 30 minutes later a girl was asking me back to her place. I didn't do anything.

 

New years, a girl just begged me to be her midnight kiss (and later sex), I didn't do anything.

 

I threw a house party and invited all the people I met at MEETUPS (New city, I didn't even have friends and I was crazy depressed)...and that was sick. 3 girls were competing for me at the party.

 

Hell I even met a girl while walking at the park just because her dog ran up to me; 3 weeks later she was in my bed.

 

What doesn't work? Working too much. Being too busy with school. Being depressed and staying home playing video games. That has never got me a girl.

 

After the first girl stood me up this week, I went to the bar alone there was a table of 10 or so collegish students (guys and girls) doing shots (2 of em threw some smiles my way), several female bartenders, and a couple girls across the bar from me. I kept catching one of the girls across the bar looking at me, or was she looking behind me? *Shrug* There's a handful of targets on my "ruined" night. I wasn't in the mood at that point but the opportunities were there.

 

So I'll say it again. Get out of your house and show up!

 

Not trying to make excuses here, but it sounds like you're a pretty good looking dude. The average dude does NOT get that type of attention from ANY female. I have NEVER received that type of attention no matter what bar I walk into on a Friday night.

[johndoe2]

Listen I've struggled like any guy and had my low points. But I noticed something several times. Just show up! Sometimes it is so easy it will blow your mind. I've walked into a bar and 30 minutes later a girl was asking me back to her place. I didn't do anything.

 

New years, a girl just begged me to be her midnight kiss (and later sex), I didn't do anything.

 

I threw a house party and invited all the people I met at MEETUPS (New city, I didn't even have friends and I was crazy depressed)...and that was sick. 3 girls were competing for me at the party.

 

Hell I even met a girl while walking at the park just because her dog ran up to me; 3 weeks later she was in my bed.

 

What doesn't work? Working too much. Being too busy with school. Being depressed and staying home playing video games. That has never got me a girl.

 

After the first girl stood me up this week, I went to the bar alone there was a table of 10 or so collegish students (guys and girls) doing shots (2 of em threw some smiles my way), several female bartenders, and a couple girls across the bar from me. I kept catching one of the girls across the bar looking at me, or was she looking behind me? *Shrug* There's a handful of targets on my "ruined" night. I wasn't in the mood at that point but the opportunities were there.

 

So I'll say it again. Get out of your house and show up!

Ah, I see where you get your sanguine disposition then. I'm not sure if you're blessed with good looks or something, but I can sit in a crowded bar for hours with no luck whatsoever (did get approached by an older gay guy once though). Usually my approaches (which are quite innocuous, like 'what's that your drinking' if she's drinking something weird-looking) bounce off like they're made of teflon, I get a reluctant answer, and they they go back to ignoring me. One time though, one time in my entire life, a woman did approach me and start talking to me: the moment (like, the exact second) I bought her and her friend their first drink of the night, she disappeared. Showed me what I was good for. Make no mistake, I'll probably foolishly keep trying, my even go to some bars tonight, because I guess I'm a modern day Tantalus. But it will be futile.

 

Appreciate your good fortune Pogo, but don't assume it's something we all share.

[neowulf]

Appreciate your good fortune Pogo, but don't assume it's something we all share.

 

We express on the outside what we feel on the inside.

 

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and asked "What kind of vibes do I put out?".

 

Seriously, just sit in front of a mirror and ask yourself "If I was someone across the room looking this way, what would I think?"

 

Would they think "Hey, cool guy just grabbing a beer after world to chill out"

 

or

 

"Wow, creepy loner who looks sad and depressed."

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

It is enough - you just have to keep working at it. If they're not getting dates yet, there's still more to be done - this could be anything from getting into great shape (possible for everyone, even if they say otherwise), dressing well, working on your personality so that you can have smooth interactions with people, learning where to meet the right people and spending time there, etc. I'm not saying it's easy, and you may get dozens, or more, of rejections, but it is possible for everyone - I've even seen people with high cervical injuries (lifetime wheel chair), the super nerds from high school, people who hardly say a word, the overly serious with no sense of humor (initially), etc., all get dates.

 

A lot of people give up when faced with a challenge - that's different than not being able to get a date, that's an unwillingness to put the effort in to get one.

 

I'm 40 pounds lighter than where I was 3 years ago so that's a change, lost 6 inches around my waist, but obviously that isn't enough