Some guys will remain single and alone no matter what

[barcode88]

I think the thread title is true... I've been on a lot of dates, usually always get 2nd or further, and sexually I could be doing worse.

 

However I don't feel like I'm doing good by any means, I've been single forever.... I know that compared to many guys I'm actually doing decent, but it's still not enough! lol =/

 

I'd say personality wise i'm between an INFP and ENFP (I've been growing more extraverted over the last couple years)... Definitely uncommon for a guy.

 

I know what needs to be done and how to get there, so I'm not giving up here or anything... But sometimes it can be lonely

[joseb]

In my opinion, living without a partner is not a life worth living. That sad reality is starting to sink in for me.

 

I think this is a really terrible outlook to have. You need to be happy being yourself, and not look for a partner to fill that void. Paradoxically enough, if you get to this point you will likely start to attack women into your life.

[johndoe2]

We express on the outside what we feel on the inside.

Or, we base out opinions and attitudes 'on the inside' on our experiences with the world 'outside.'

 

"Hey, cool guy just grabbing a beer after world to chill out"

"Wow, creepy loner who looks sad and depressed."

If you see a guy drinking alone late at night on a weeknight, does much else matter in terms of which of the two you infer is more likely? He can act as chipper as he can muster, but even then I'd still wonder why he's not out with friends or whatever. Being a loner is in itself seen as creepy. Most people seem to meet their significant others through friends and friends of friends in any case.

 

I think I do a decent job of repressing my darkest emotions when need be, better than most. But wearing masks isn't exactly fun. "We wear the mask that grins and lies, it hides our cheeks and shades out eyes, with torn and bleeding hearts we smile.." Beginning of a great poem by Paul Laurence Dunbar, one of my favorites actually.

[ZA Dater]

I think it's because guys like this rely too much on what they think they can "give a woman" and not enough on actual interaction and chemistry. Are there gold diggers out there? Sure. In my opinion though, the average every day woman wants a guy that can stimulate her mind and push her buttons. That isn't something you learn with higher education or buy with financial resources. It comes from instinct and repetition.

 

Great post and based on my own circumstance very true but I do think females do need to give guys more of a chance before tossing them aside like garbage.

[ZA Dater]

We express on the outside what we feel on the inside.

 

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and asked "What kind of vibes do I put out?".

 

Seriously, just sit in front of a mirror and ask yourself "If I was someone across the room looking this way, what would I think?"

 

Would they think "Hey, cool guy just grabbing a beer after world to chill out"

 

or

 

"Wow, creepy loner who looks sad and depressed."

 

Thought provoking posts, alas I definitely conform to the last line, I am what I am and generally speaking just don't have much in common with most people.

[ZA Dater]

+1

 

If you take an objective view of your beliefs, you only have to ask one question.

 

"How is this working out for me".

 

In other words, you can actively choose to believe the following;

 

1) I am useless and undesirable. I suck with woman. I will always suck with women. I will never find a partner. I will old and alone and miserable for the rest of my life. I must simply accept this.

 

or

 

2) I am worthwhile. Sure, I have my quirks. But I have my strengths too. The world is huge place, full of many different people. I don't need a string of lovers to make me happy, just one woman to share my life with. I'm sure if I just keep at it, keep practicing, eventually I'll find a person who's a good fit for me. It's just a matter of time.

 

^ So, tell me. Which one of those beliefs do you think is going to get you out of bed in the morning? Going to keep you moving forward. Keep you motivated to try again, even when you suffer set backs.

 

I put on about 20 kg over 2 years, due to medication / depression.

This drastically effected my energy levels, my self esteem and my attractiveness.

 

So, 2015, day 1. I woke up and said "screw this".

Now, 5 months in, I'm exercising regularly, watching what I eat. I'm well on my road to getting back in shape.

 

Was it fun? Easy? No. Not it was not.

Did I suffer setbacks? Disappointment? Yep, all of the above. But that's life.

 

The argument isn't that people don't have challanges. They do. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

 

I am glad you are on the road to recovery but I feel you do paint a picture of utopia. Once can not give up yes but there also needs to be some objective evidence that one is actually improving. If there isn't one will naturally wonder if its all worth it.

 

My biggest gripe, again based on my own experience is that if one doesn't conform one drops to the bottom of the list as far as attractiveness goes. Yes, one can play to ones strengths and we all have them but some skills are not in demand.

 

In my opinion being a guy who drinks with his friends is more desirable to the average female than a guy who work on various projects in the evening or a guy who has great general knowledge.

 

My point being who we are shapes who we are likely to get and I think most of us deep inside know what we CANT get but the absolutely deflating, demotivating thing comes when you do meet someone who you can use your strengths with and you communicate well with that person, then you get rejected.

 

You then sit back and the initial thought and lingering thought is "why bother if that person wasn't into me and we connected so well and the pool of people who I can attract is so small, then why bother"

 

Females conversely complain about guys who simply want sex, guys who play the field and for the most part they create that very situation by brutally rejecting the guys who are looking for a proper relationship rather than a fling, good guys loose confidence and ultimately realise its pointless looking for a relationship and may be easier to just look for sex instead (in my case the latter has proven as impossible to find as the former).

 

Ultimately and brutally I truly believe how attractive a guy is has nothing to do with personality, everything to do with looks, everything to do with social status, everything to do with material wealth and critically everything to do with how said females friends will perceive that guy to be.

[joseb]

If you see a guy drinking alone late at night on a weeknight, does much else matter in terms of which of the two you infer is more likely? He can act as chipper as he can muster, but even then I'd still wonder why he's not out with friends or whatever. Being a loner is in itself seen as creepy. Most people seem to meet their significant others through friends and friends of friends in any case.

 

Thing is, if he is the cool guy who is comfortable with himself and others, he will probably be striking up conversations with people around (not necessarily women) and having fun - rather than looking miserable or creepy.

[fitnessfan365]

You're right. Some people will just never get it. Does that make you feel better?

 

I already got blown off by 2 girls this week, and it's only Tuesday (And this is why guys multidate!) but I'm not crying. I went and had a drink all by my lonesome and chatted up some dude about the NBA.

 

Life goes on, so then I lined up a date with a 3rd girl later this week.

 

Exactly. Having multiple options always makes it easier to manage expectations. But do you know what the majority of multi-dating is for me at least? Going out on first dates.

 

I only sleep with one woman at a time, and never have sex until I've been seeing her for at least 4-6 weeks. So let's say I line up 15-20 first dates in a month. Do you know how many of those lead to second dates? Usually 3-5 or them. Then the odds of one of those making it to the 4-6 week mark is like 10-15% tops. Usually I'll stop seeing them after 3-5 dates and the process starts again. That's why I laugh when some women judge my playful personality as only wanting sex prematurely. If all I wanted was sex, I'd be trying to nail a variety of women within 1-3 dates. But I don't try to seduce or even kiss a large percentage of the women I meet. Why? A lot of them are failed first dates. It's not because they were bad people. It's just that the odds of finding true genuine chemistry is much harder.

Edited May 13, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[thecharade]

I am so sorry. I was not being mean (on purpose, anyway), I was kind of projecting that I wish the guy I was seeing was even wondering why people broke up with him, but he never does. (That's what he doesn't get--that maybe, just maybe it is something about him!)

 

Some people are too hard on themselves needlessly, while others never even wonder if there is a quality in themselves that pushes people away.

 

You obviously care and are trying hard, so stick with it. It will all work out when the right girl comes along. But yes, looking at ourselves, our behaviors, our attitudes--that is not a bad thing. We often come across differently than we think we do.

 

Good luck.

And sorry again for my projecting.

[PogoStick]

At Jon and John. You're missing the between the lines. Let me clarify "not doing anything" to get the girl. I mean I didn't approach/chase the girl.

 

With the bar girl I said "30 minutes later she asks me to her place". She approached me but didn't ask me home minute one. She ****ed with me and made fun of the gold chain I was wearing...yeah (The chain was out of place at an upscale bar). It took 30 minutes of interaction for her to decide she was into me.

 

New years, the girl jumped on me at midnight. There was 2 hours of partying leading up to that point. While I "didn't do anything" because she wasn't the girl I was after that night, obviously what she saw in those 2 hours caught her attention. Was I good looking? Or was I fun, interesting, and had good conversations? Probably, she saw the attention I was giving other girls and decided she wanted in.

 

And the meetup girls? Well obviously these were people who had interacted with me multiple times. They weren't complete strangers by the time the party came around. And I definitely worked it that night by organizing the damn party. Was that good looks? Or someone who took charge, organized, made phone calls and sent out emails, bought food, setup the kitchen, ran the grill, DJ'd the stereo, hauled around bags of ice and filled the coolers with beer. Total man points that night!

 

Edit: I apologize because I'm bad at making my points. A major part of the house party success was showing up to meetups for 2 months, otherwise I would have had nobody to invite. It wasn't who I flirted with, or what kind of "game" I had. Consider New Years again, I didn't get any girls I chased that night. Obviously my game sucked. Instead, I feel it's the fact that I SHOWED UP (took part in life) that opportunity presented itself.

Edited May 13, 2015 by PogoStick

[Jonp219]

At Jon and John. You're missing the between the lines. Let me clarify "not doing anything" to get the girl. I mean I didn't approach/chase the girl.

 

With the bar girl I said "30 minutes later she asks me to her place". She approached me but didn't ask me home minute one. She ****ed with me and made fun of the gold chain I was wearing...yeah (The chain was out of place at an upscale bar). It took 30 minutes of interaction for her to decide she was into me.

 

New years, the girl jumped on me at midnight. There was 2 hours of partying leading up to that point. While I "didn't do anything" because she wasn't the girl I was after that night, obviously what she saw in those 2 hours caught her attention. Was I good looking? Or was I fun, interesting, and had good conversations? Probably, she saw the attention I was giving other girls and decided she wanted in.

 

And the meetup girls? Well obviously these were people who had interacted with me multiple times. They weren't complete strangers by the time the party came around. And I definitely worked it that night by organizing the damn party. Was that good looks? Or someone who took charge, organized, made phone calls and sent out emails, bought food, setup the kitchen, ran the grill, DJ'd the stereo, hauled around bags of ice and filled the coolers with beer. Total man points that night!

 

Oh ok now I have a better picture of what went down. I agree, the moment you are in control is when women latch on to you the most. Thinking back now to when I was younger I normally got girls when I treated her like everyone else and not place her on a pedestal. Those are times when I felt like I had everything going for me, and more. Now i'm not that guy anymore, i'm still grieving over relationship that ended after 4 years.

 

After being in a relationship for so long I realized that flings and one night stands really don't mean a thing to me. I avoid those things like a plague because that's just not what i'm looking for. I really just want to enter a relationship again and feel that intimacy. Sadly i'm that type of guy, but I can't help it it was the way I was raised.

 

I've only 'casually' dated 4 women in my life and I entered relationships with 2 of them (i'm picky like that). But now that i'm 25 that fickleness isn't going to fly especially where I'm located. It's going to be so difficult replacing my ex, i'm just scared of what the future holds.

 

Anyway, thank you for clarifying. "Not doing anything" simply meant letting you personality shine through, which works very well. Sometimes people fake it and get mad when women don't look at them the way they want to. Women have good intuition, they KNOW you're faking it. That's why you have to become it.

[neowulf]

I think the thread title is true... I've been on a lot of dates, usually always get 2nd or further, and sexually I could be doing worse.

 

However I don't feel like I'm doing good by any means, I've been single forever.... I know that compared to many guys I'm actually doing decent, but it's still not enough! lol =/

 

I'd say personality wise i'm between an INFP and ENFP (I've been growing more extraverted over the last couple years)... Definitely uncommon for a guy.

 

I know what needs to be done and how to get there, so I'm not giving up here or anything... But sometimes it can be lonely

 

INFJ here man. I feel your pain :-/

Finding dates and girls who like me isn't the issue. Finding a connection strong enough to want to actually have a relationship? Much, much harder.

[PogoStick]

Jon I like your interpretation. Here's another interesting aspect of my New Years story.

 

The only reason I ended up at the NYE party was because of people I met when I went out for Halloween. At the time, I could have said Halloween was a bust because there were tons of horny girls wearing ridiculously revealing costumes, and I walked away with no hookups, no interests, no future girlfriends. But because I went to Halloween, I met people who invited me to the NYE party. I ended up dating the NYE girl for 10 months.

 

And with the house party, I could have said that months of meetups with no action was a failure (like many guys here will do). But those connections I built made the house party possible and it ended up being a great time. What if I had given up out of frustration after the first month of meetups?

 

I contend that simply showing up and participating in life will end up laying opportunities right at your feet.

[Lokin4AReason]

society is just to picky or pampered =0/

[neowulf]

Or, we base out opinions and attitudes 'on the inside' on our experiences with the world 'outside.'

 

 

If you see a guy drinking alone late at night on a weeknight, does much else matter in terms of which of the two you infer is more likely? He can act as chipper as he can muster, but even then I'd still wonder why he's not out with friends or whatever. Being a loner is in itself seen as creepy. Most people seem to meet their significant others through friends and friends of friends in any case.

 

I think I do a decent job of repressing my darkest emotions when need be, better than most. But wearing masks isn't exactly fun. "We wear the mask that grins and lies, it hides our cheeks and shades out eyes, with torn and bleeding hearts we smile.." Beginning of a great poem by Paul Laurence Dunbar, one of my favorites actually.

 

Not arguing that our experiences don't have a part in shaping us. But, to be more accurate, our *interpretation* of experiences shape us. Our responses and reflections about the experience shape us.

 

Take for example, the parents whose child is abducted, sexually abused and murdered. That experience, by rights, should destroy most people. It probably does in most cases.

 

Yet in some cases, it ignites a fury in those parents. Their loss becomes the force that drives them every day to raise awareness, to make sure they do everything they can to prevent it happening to someone else. It galvanises them.

 

No one is arguing the experience isn't horrific. But what the people choose to do with it, how they choose to frame it, dictates how they move forward.

 

If you allow yourself to negatively interpret every slight, every rejection as simply confirmation that you're a "loser" and that no one will want you, then well... that becomes your personal truth.

 

I'm not saying it's an easy thing to change your attitude. It's not. Some people remained trapped by their patterns till the day they die. I'm just saying it can be challenged and you can learn to grow past it.

Edited May 14, 2015 by neowulf

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Maybe some of us inexperienced guys on here should post pics of us and then we can rate on another, mainly from women who would hopefully give their honest opinion on our looks

[William]

Posting pictures is fine, but not on LoveShack. Do it somewhere else. Instead, discuss the nuances of some guys remaining single and alone. By the way, this thread was started by one of our hydras so that's why they haven't responded in a long time. Banned. Post pictures and there's a chance of that so please continue the topic. Thanks!

[MGX]

Well you learned English, and presumably math, and who knows what other thousand things you've figured out. None of those things came inherently to you. You learned them. Why can't you learn about social interaction and romance? Fear, apathy, laziness?

 

Those things aren't dependent on other people.

[Sunlight72]

I started and spent most of my social life feeling more or less like the negative posts in this thread.

 

After a personally record-setting horrific 'relationship' with a woman, I broke down and admitted to myself I could not tolerate letting romance remain a mystery. It was too hard, sad, lonely and dangerous. At last I had reached a point where the painful reality of a mismatched and poorly nurtured relationship was worse than the sadness and worry of being alone.

 

I spent about 18 months doing research and giving up the depressing parts of my prideful self that were preventing me making real changes. I was 37 then. It was really hard, and it really hurt to work through that.

 

I'm 43 now, and after a lot of painful work I've learned that many romance skills are learnable

 

Even for braniacs. I failed miserably with women most of my life (didn't date until college, then only one woman, though I had tried many many times). I tested out of my first year of college, considered myself 'smart', and it frustrated me greatly that I "couldn't" learn how to start and maintain a fun, healthy relationship (or any relationship).

 

You can learn it if you are really willing.

 

BUT - I strongly encourage anyone wanting to develop their potential for relationships, and develop their positive interactions once they find a relationship, to learn and practice even though you may feel fearful.

 

It can be scary, but the rewards are worth the anxiety!

 

Also - start at the beginning.

 

Before flirting. Just friendliness. Learn to share mirth, and learn to understand what emotions another person is feeling. The subtle emotions.

 

Even a naturally mathematically minded person does not begin with quantum theory, nor calculus, nor algebra, nor dividing fractions. We start with simple addition and subtraction.

 

Don't skip it just because you're 'older', nor because you want a relationship now.

 

If you have a relationship now, without building your relationship skills first, you will not be able to guide yourself inside the relationship when things go 'wrong' (whether that is after 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 weeks, etc.).

 

Start with being friends with strangers. Be friendly. With someone you don't know. Every day.

 

Don't skip this. Don't tell yourself that other people are 'naturally friendly', but not you. If you want to share your happiness with another person, you need to learn to share it generally first.

 

When you're getting better at that, start practicing being helpful or funny with someone new. Every day.

 

If you don't find the opportunity one day, look for it again the next. Don't let it go.

 

Play a game. Challenge yourself to get someone to smile with you, laugh (even a giggle or a smirk) with you, or touch (shake hands, friendly pat on the shoulder, bump gently into them and learn to do it in a way that is friendly and makes them smile with you).

 

Do that, and in a couple months you'll be ready to learn more. It will naturally start to unfold into flirting.

 

Don't do something basic like this, and your attitude will be unlikely to change into the attitude someone would enjoy sharing in a relationship.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

[runredlights]

If you were to take the most average man in the world in terms of looks, intelligence, or a career and then added or subtracted confidence from there you'd have two exceptionally different men.

 

If a guy is uglier than sin, there is only so much he can do from there I get it, but most guys aren't hideously ugly or hunks/ 10s either.

 

There's a huge middle ground so once the 5 or 6 has labeled himself inadequate he has already lost. Women and other men can sense how meek you are so once the potential females and other males have subconsciously established you as docile and asexual within your social circle that you can't even be a good wing man, let alone be a guy a woman wants to spend time with your situation is going to do a downward spiral.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I think most of us hopeless guys could succeed if we lowered our standards

[johndoe2]

I think most of us hopeless guys could succeed if we lowered our standards

I've lowered by standards almost to the ground. I have basically one standard: that a woman not be obese. Some measure of overweight I can tolerate. Just not obese.

 

Still nothing. A girl who was overweight, extremely short, and had a distinctly noticeable mustache once broke it off with me after 2 dates. Talk about blow to the self-esteem.

[Toodaloo]

I agree with this guy most men are just ****ed. I can't even get a date let alone have the opportunity to get reject for a 2nd date.

 

1st date= Bigfoot

2nd date= UFO

Another relationship= Unicorn

Marriage= bahahahaha....*sigh* yeah

 

Holy crap you base it all on 2 dates...

 

Its takes more than meeting 2 weird women to get to a stable relationship and get married.

 

I go on more dates in a week sometimes!

 

You guys are going about this the whole wrong way.

 

You don't have lives! You have nothing to give because you have allowed yourself to become these rudimentary sloths that are as boring and dull as hell.

 

Get off of your arses, go and get some hobbies. Hell, go and visit each other and go out together and whine in bars together rather than sit on your arses and be so... dull. You could have the "loveshack moaners club" where you all get together once a month and go out together in each others respective towns and cities.

 

It is not up to anyone else, let alone a woman, to make you happy.

 

Take responsibility for yourselves and get a life! Take up the gym, take up boxing, join an athletics club. Learn to cook, take up an art class... ANYTHING just quit making us all read this utter drivel CONSTANTLY ALL THE TIME...

 

Think about it. You want to attract the bright happy pretty young woman who s smiling and laughing and not the dogs right? Perhaps SHE wants a smiling happy chap to be attracted to.

[lino]

Holy crap you base it all on 2 dates...

 

Its takes more than meeting 2 weird women to get to a stable relationship and get married.

 

I go on more dates in a week sometimes!

 

You guys are going about this the whole wrong way.

 

You don't have lives! You have nothing to give because you have allowed yourself to become these rudimentary sloths that are as boring and dull as hell.

 

Get off of your arses, go and get some hobbies. Hell, go and visit each other and go out together and whine in bars together rather than sit on your arses and be so... dull. You could have the "loveshack moaners club" where you all get together once a month and go out together in each others respective towns and cities.

 

It is not up to anyone else, let alone a woman, to make you happy.

 

Take responsibility for yourselves and get a life! Take up the gym, take up boxing, join an athletics club. Learn to cook, take up an art class... ANYTHING just quit making us all read this utter drivel CONSTANTLY ALL THE TIME...

 

Think about it. You want to attract the bright happy pretty young woman who s smiling and laughing and not the dogs right? Perhaps SHE wants a smiling happy chap to be attracted to.

 

I'm actually tired of reading your drivel which helps absolutely no one.

 

How the f#ck do you know these guys don't have any hobbies?

 

Why do you assume they aren't already member of a gym or boxing class?

 

What a patronising whiner YOU are.

 

This supposed awesome life of yours yet you're constantly on here pissing on these poor blokes who already have had enough. Perhaps you should get a life?

 

In my opinion, people who bully those online who are already not having the best times in life are people of extremely low character.

[johndoe2]

I go on more dates in a week sometimes!

Perhaps you still don't grasp that many of us guys cannot get as many dates in a year as you can get in a month no matter how hard we try. Saying 'go on more dates' is like saying to someone who is complaining that they can't afford a car, "well, you just need to make more money, duh!'

 

Take responsibility for yourselves and get a life! Take up the gym, take up boxing, join an athletics club. Learn to cook, take up an art class... ANYTHING just quit making us all read this utter drivel CONSTANTLY ALL THE TIME...

I read quite a bit; I can cook better than any woman I've ever known (even better than my mom, though I'm sure she disputes this), I'm an excellent pool player, speak a foreign language, and travelled marginally more than the average person. Now, this isn't to say that I am not indeed still a boring loser, but I'm going to venture a guess that being interesting has **** all to do with it.

 

Especially considering that among the 'outgoing' folks, the typical barroom conversation seems to run like so: "Did you hear what so-and-so said about so-and-so at what's-his-name's party? Like,OMG, I can't even; and did you see what what's-her-name was wearing?' and so on. I find it amazing that that person is the one who's dynamic and interesting.

 

Nobody wants to talk to eccentric strangers about Chinese history or hyperinflation or recipes for tiramisu; they usually seem to only want to talk to people they already know about what someone else they already know said about what a forth person they already know might have said about what the second person they already know said earlier about what someone's something did that the place that one time, yada yada.