Looking how to totally free myself from her

[OldRover]

All,

 

I've had a good relationship over the past two years with a lady that I thought would really be great forever. She had one major issue that caused us to split. We both knew it was coming, but still felt pretty strongly toward each other.

 

It's over, and I want to bring closure. We have eliminated all contact except as necessary to avoid seeing each other at a favorite spot we both patronize. But when she says she isn't going to be there, she says she has a date, which I could care less about, but still hurts a bit.

 

I've tried to put anything that reminds me of her out of my mind and sight, but almost impossible... so I minimize it.

 

I've got a few really good friends that are very helpful and sympathetic.

 

Anything else I can do?

[beach]

What was the issue? Is it anything that can be changed by you?

 

Generally, if you want no lingering thoughts or feelings for someone it's easier to do if you remove them from all forms of contact. That and stay super busy so you're not giving them any thought.

[OldRover]

What was the issue? Is it anything that can be changed by you?

 

Generally, if you want no lingering thoughts or feelings for someone it's easier to do if you remove them from all forms of contact. That and stay super busy so you're not giving them any thought.

 

Beach,

 

The issue stems from trust issues that were there way before we met. She had several failed relationships and divorces in which every one was a bitter ending. She told me that she generally didn't trust men, and should have been a warning. But it was more than just trust... it was control, which I also had a hard time with. I thought I was different, and everything I tried, including counseling didn't help. The stress became just too great to cope with and we both knew it wasn't going to last. We lasted two and a half years, and the closer we got, the worse the problems were. We did love each other, to the point that marriage wasn't out of the question in the future. It's clearly over now and going back is not an option.

 

Goal now is to get her out of my mind and go on with life. I have no intention of hurting her or causing pain... I just want closure.

 

I have one issue with contact. We both patronize a place that I've been going for years, that I'm not willing to give up. We text each other just to be sure we avoid each other, and that's working ok... I just don't like it when she adds she has a date and not going there. I don't need to know that.

Edited May 12, 2015 by OldRover

[todreaminblue]

Beach,

 

The issue stems from trust issues that were there way before we met. She had several failed relationships and divorces in which every one was a bitter ending. She told me that she generally didn't trust men, and should have been a warning. But it was more than just trust... it was control, which I also had a hard time with. I thought I was different, and everything I tried, including counseling didn't help. The stress became just too great to cope with and we both knew it wasn't going to last. We lasted two and a half years, and the closer we got, the worse the problems were. We did love each other, to the point that marriage wasn't out of the question in the future. It's clearly over now and going back is not an option.

 

Goal now is to get her out of my mind and go on with life. I have no intention of hurting her or causing pain... I just want closure.

 

I have one issue with contact. We both patronize a place that I've been going for years, that I'm not willing to give up. We text each other just to be sure we avoid each other, and that's working ok... I just don't like it when she adds she has a date and not going there. I don't need to know that.

 

 

tell her you would prefer not to be informed of her private life....and give yourself time to heal....i wish you well.....deb

[Ronni_W]

Anything else I can do?

Honestly...to help with your own, permanent healing, you can promise yourself that you will NOT anymore just wuss out on yourself and (try to) minimize your feelings, or pretend them away. You already know that does not work on any level, so...why even stick with a losing strategy?

 

Courage and "facing the tiger" so to speak...look it square in the face, that you still care (albeit not that much) that she's dating; that you two are taking trouble to avoid having to just wave at each other across some public space...

If you just keep trying to fool yourself and pull the wool over your own eyes...if it was someone else doing that to you, you'd pro'ly not think too kindly of them, would you now? So, don't tolerate that kind of treatment from one part of yourself to another part of your Self, either!

 

Sometimes, easier said than done. I know. Best of luck.

[Poppy47]

Forgive me for saying this.... with a history of divorces and failed relationships, perhaps you will be better off in the long term? I know it is difficult now but better now than if you had invested more time and finances into the relationship.

 

Chin up...

 

Poppy

[beach]

I don't see a reason to alert her of your plans to go to any certain place - heck, you could run into her at the market or in town.

 

 

If you are there and she is too - either ignore her or just head out the back door.

 

 

But I also agree that if you must tell her where you'll be - inform her that you're not interested in her social calendar.

[OldRover]

Forgive me for saying this.... with a history of divorces and failed relationships, perhaps you will be better off in the long term? I know it is difficult now but better now than if you had invested more time and finances into the relationship.

 

Chin up...

 

Poppy

 

Poppy,

 

You're absolutely right, I'm way better off without her, and to have invested more time into it would have been foolish. We got close to getting real serious, buying a home together, making plans forever, meeting the families, etc., but still had problems that needed to be solved. I confronted her with the problems several times, saw a great counselor that helped a lot, but it only went down hill. It just wasn't worth the stress and heartache. She pursued me in the beginning (I didn't think she was my type), but once she got me started, I kept it going. We went for several months before getting serious, but then rapidly progressed. Yes, I'm better off know, just need to finish the healing.

[OldRover]

I don't see a reason to alert her of your plans to go to any certain place - heck, you could run into her at the market or in town.

 

 

If you are there and she is too - either ignore her or just head out the back door.

 

 

But I also agree that if you must tell her where you'll be - inform her that you're not interested in her social calendar.

 

Beach,

 

Agreed, but we do have one place that we both patronize on a regular basis, and neither one of use want to see the other, but eventually that will change. The chances of running into her elsewhere is next to none.

 

I would be happy only to know when she's going there and avoid and don't want to know her calendar. I'll probably let her know that next time she texts, but want to keep any communication to an absolute minimum.

 

Thx for the help.

[OldRover]

Still suffering a bit. Still have mornings that I just feel down and tend to sleep in a bit. I know, that's a bad habit, but still hard to deal with. Unfortunately, we developed a relationship that was getting pretty great in terms of just getting to know each other and developing habits and talk that was ours.

 

I'm reminded of her thinking about anything that I did with her before... even shopping for groceries and buying gas.

 

I'm working hard to forget her, and it is working... just too slow.

 

----

I'm also in the process of rekindling a relationship with my former wife, and it's going excellent. She knows all the details about the ex GF, and has been very helpful in understanding my issue, but I don't want to burden her talking about it. I also don't want her to think that she's just a rebound..... I'm hoping for a permanent relationship long term. The problems we have had in the past have been solved. We have agreed to put the past behind us and work on the future. So far so good, but have a way to go.

 

Still working on things.....

Edited May 15, 2015 by OldRover

[Ruby65]

Wow, staying in contact with your ex while already rebounding with your ex-wife?

 

Really I wouldn't recommend taking either of these actions right now. You're not over your girlfriend yet so I don't see things going well with your ex-wife. And you won't stop going to some bar/restuarant/whatever and prefer instead to maintain contact with your recent ex? Really?? Seriously, there's no "venue" worth that kind of grief.

 

In any case, you've made your choices and I doubt my input will change them. Just putting it out there that IMO anyway neither of these are sounding like wise moves.

 

Good luck to you anyway!

[OldRover]

Wow, staying in contact with your ex while already rebounding with your ex-wife?

 

Really I wouldn't recommend taking either of these actions right now. You're not over your girlfriend yet so I don't see things going well with your ex-wife. And you won't stop going to some bar/restuarant/whatever and prefer instead to maintain contact with your recent ex? Really?? Seriously, there's no "venue" worth that kind of grief.

 

In any case, you've made your choices and I doubt my input will change them. Just putting it out there that IMO anyway neither of these are sounding like wise moves.

 

Good luck to you anyway!

 

Thanks for the encouragement. The only contact I have with the GF is only when she texts so I can avoid. It's working and I can live with that. There is no grief going to the place I go and I'm there way more than she is, so it's no issue avoiding her. In time we will see each other there, but prefer to avoid until there is no conflict or feelings and we don't throw bricks at each other. And, yes, it's important to me as I have some great support friends there that have been instrumental in my life (as I have theirs).

 

As for the ex wife. She has always been my friend and we have never hated each other at all. The reason we split is behind us. I heard from a mutual friend that she still wanted me back and wanted to try again. She has always had the "door open" to me should I want to visit, however I didn't when with the GF. I didn't know if it would work until spending some time with her after I left the GF. The ex is a wonderful person overall and we shared a ton of good times and memories over the years. She is certainly worth a try and I'm betting on it. WAY better that getting back in the dating scene (which was an option). She is not a rebound, which I could have had in the dating scene. Sure, it will take effort, which we have both started on. We are on the same page now and it's getting better day by day.

 

I just wish that time would go a bit quicker and I could totally kill all the bad feelings.... working, but slow.

 

And, I appreciate the advice I get here.

Edited May 15, 2015 by OldRover

[Ruby65]

As I said, I didn't expect you to change your choices just based on the advice of a stranger online.

 

However, the fact remains you're turning to your ex-wife while still not yet healed from your recent ex-girlfriend, that's what a rebound is...

 

... and as for being "okay" with the limited contact you've been having, why post about it here if there's no problem doing that?

 

Contact isn't good for healing, neither is a rebound relationship.

 

So I would stil say, stop the contact with your ex -- and stop the rebound until you're really healed and ready to have another relationship.

 

[Itspointless]

She told me that she generally didn't trust men, and should have been a warning. But it was more than just trust... it was control, which I also had a hard time with. I thought I was different, and everything I tried, including counseling didn't help.

So you were the rescuer and she was emotionally unavailable probably in the dismissive-avoidant spectrum. Perhaps it is a good thing to be alone for a while.

[OldRover]

As I said, I didn't expect you to change your choices just based on the advice of a stranger online.

 

However, the fact remains you're turning to your ex-wife while still not yet healed from your recent ex-girlfriend, that's what a rebound is...

 

... and as for being "okay" with the limited contact you've been having, why post about it here if there's no problem doing that?

 

Contact isn't good for healing, neither is a rebound relationship.

 

So I would stil say, stop the contact with your ex -- and stop the rebound until you're really healed and ready to have another relationship.

 

 

Ruby,

 

Good point, but a bit twisted. I tried to explain the whole situation. The ex has been VERY helpful in helping me get over things, and she wants me around as I want to be around. We both choose not to be alone. I've been with this lady long enough in the past to know a lot of her ways, as she does me.

 

We've been a lot thru the years, and did pretty well. The divorce was probably a wake up call. She has changed dramatically and is the person she was years ago.

 

As for contact with the ex GF, it's better than seeing her and pretty limited. She only texts if she could be somewhere I might be and I just avoid it. That's working just fine and better than seeing her.

 

Call it rebound, but most rebounds don't work well and are short term, and often with a brand new partner. She is a friend as well as an ex wife. She cares, as I do. Regardless of what happens in the future, we will still be friends. That will not end. We have helped each other through a lot of life problems, regardless.

 

Nonetheless, you make some good points. Thx.

[OldRover]

So you were the rescuer and she was emotionally unavailable probably in the dismissive-avoidant spectrum. Perhaps it is a good thing to be alone for a while.

 

Not sure I rescued anyone, but did try to change behavior, but didn't work. I wouldn't say she was emotionally unavailable, but did have a trait that we just didn't agree on and did not get better, but got worse. I don't see where being alone would have anything to do with that.

 

I'm on the way to improvement... it's better every day, I just wish it were faster, and can have a few ups and downs along the way.

[Popsicle]

tell her you would prefer not to be informed of her private life....and give yourself time to heal....i wish you well.....deb

 

This.

 

Just be honest.

 

If she chooses to disrespect you and still say it, then that will tell you that she is doing it because she deliberately wants hurt you and doesn't care about you. Then you can block her. But if she abides by your wishes then you will come out a winner.

[Itspointless]

Not sure I rescued anyone, but did try to change behavior, but didn't work. I wouldn't say she was emotionally unavailable, but did have a trait that we just didn't agree on and did not get better, but got worse. I don't see where being alone would have anything to do with that.

 

I'm on the way to improvement... it's better every day, I just wish it were faster, and can have a few ups and downs along the way.

I made a bold guess, but perhaps I was wrong with your case.

 

If you find a way to forget than please tell me

[OldRover]

I made a bold guess, but perhaps I was wrong with your case.

 

If you find a way to forget than please tell me

 

Thanks for the post. And I WILL forget, I've got the stamina to do so and have set my mind toward it. The ex GF was very emotionally available, she just had some old traits that stemmed from a difficult past that were unacceptable in a good relationship. I was cautioned by a couple of really close friends that new us very well, that I would have some big challenges, which I took on, but didn't work. The friends were genuine folks, and didn't preach or lecture me, they supported me no matter what I chose, but did give an honest opinion of what I was up against. They continue to give support, which has been helpful. None of us spend any time bashing the old GF, ain't worth it.

 

Sure, there will be set backs. I've got a lot of good support and a great counselor. It's a matter of time, but wish it were sooner.

[Itspointless]

Thanks for the post. And I WILL forget, I've got the stamina to do so and have set my mind toward it. The ex GF was very emotionally available, she just had some old traits that stemmed from a difficult past that were unacceptable in a good relationship. I was cautioned by a couple of really close friends that new us very well, that I would have some big challenges, which I took on, but didn't work. The friends were genuine folks, and didn't preach or lecture me, they supported me no matter what I chose, but did give an honest opinion of what I was up against. They continue to give support, which has been helpful. None of us spend any time bashing the old GF, ain't worth it.

 

Sure, there will be set backs. I've got a lot of good support and a great counselor. It's a matter of time, but wish it were sooner.

Yes it t is difficult. Unfortunately almost all of us have issues that we need to work on, but not everyone is able or willing to do so. It is unfortunate that it had to go like this, I think I also would have chosen to walk that road. Although that hope is also my weakness: thinking that others are willing to work on themselves choosing the path of love (at least what love means for me). It sounds like you have great friends though, that is very important and rich to experience as such. Also good for you to work on this with a counsellor.

 

Through all the pain the remembering is a clear sign that you really have opened your heart for her. Be proud of that when you feel sad again.

[OldRover]

Yes it t is difficult. Unfortunately almost all of us have issues that we need to work on, but not everyone is able or willing to do so. It is unfortunate that it had to go like this, I think I also would have chosen to walk that road. Although that hope is also my weakness: thinking that others are willing to work on themselves choosing the path of love (at least what love means for me). It sounds like you have great friends though, that is very important and rich to experience as such. Also good for you to work on this with a counsellor.

 

Through all the pain the remembering is a clear sign that you really have opened your heart for her. Be proud of that when you feel sad again.

 

Itspointless,

 

Thank you! That was a very nice post. You made me feel good.

[stillafool]

All,

 

 

 

It's over, and I want to bring closure. We have eliminated all contact except as necessary to avoid seeing each other at a favorite spot we both patronize. But when she says she isn't going to be there, she says she has a date, which I could care less about, but still hurts a bit.

 

 

 

How do you know this if you are in NC? This is your problem you should not know what is going on in her life at all if you want to heal. Stop frequenting the places she visits. I cannot stress enough that you should not see or hear anything about her if you want to heal.

[OldRover]

How do you know this if you are in NC? This is your problem you should not know what is going on in her life at all if you want to heal. Stop frequenting the places she visits. I cannot stress enough that you should not see or hear anything about her if you want to heal.

 

Still,

 

You make a great point... however she occasionally goes where I've been going for 15 years and I have some great support there. The only thing I know from her is when she'll be there, and normally have a pretty good idea, so I avoid it then.

 

Sure, I don't want to hear from her at all, but much better than seeing her. Not perfect, but I can live with that.

[privategal]

Free is f-r-e-e no texts, no caring where she is...

It takes courage to cut it off. Those minor text exchanges keep you connected. It's like she still feels you should care to revolve your life and plans on where she may or may not be.

It also gives her the in to subtly let you know shes out and about. Wow...look at all the places shes going.

Doesn't seem you really know what u want. Seems like you guys are playing games.

The "rules" defined here in these forums state you cannot be friends with an ex. I dont feel like thats gospel for everyone. I say u stop avoiding eachother, act like adults, sit down and decide where you stand, or decide to block her texts, emails, fb, and live life as though she is dead.

You see her out, ok, leave or flat out ignore.

But really right now you are in an unhealthy limbo. Where you are is stuck. What do you want cause if its really to rid your self of her completely, you are contradicting that and it seems like you may only be trying to convince yourself of it. Figure it out, make a new start filled with what you DO want.

[OldRover]

Free is f-r-e-e no texts, no caring where she is...

It takes courage to cut it off. Those minor text exchanges keep you connected. It's like she still feels you should care to revolve your life and plans on where she may or may not be.

It also gives her the in to subtly let you know shes out and about. Wow...look at all the places shes going.

Doesn't seem you really know what u want. Seems like you guys are playing games.

The "rules" defined here in these forums state you cannot be friends with an ex. I dont feel like thats gospel for everyone. I say u stop avoiding eachother, act like adults, sit down and decide where you stand, or decide to block her texts, emails, fb, and live life as though she is dead.

You see her out, ok, leave or flat out ignore.

But really right now you are in an unhealthy limbo. Where you are is stuck. What do you want cause if its really to rid your self of her completely, you are contradicting that and it seems like you may only be trying to convince yourself of it. Figure it out, make a new start filled with what you DO want.

 

Not sure if sometimes you're referring to the ex GF, or the ex wife.....

 

But as for the ex GF, I don't know her whereabouts, have no clue what she's doing, who she's with or what her plans are. We don't talk, email or write and we certainly don't see each other. The only thing I know is when she will be where I "might" be and I simply avoid that.

 

As for being friends with an ex. I strongly believe it's not only possible, but preferable, however, there's an argument to get over the emotional ties, first. I have numerous friends that have great relationships with their ex that they are good friends with. I'm friends with every GF and wife I've had (but only one wife). The current GF, it's too soon to tell just yet. I'll bet someday we will be friend, perhaps not really good friends, but will talk about the past without emotion and anger. That will certainly take time. I'm sure we will both survive.

 

The path I've started down is working. I would like things to go faster, but there is progress and I know what I want, and I have always known what I want, and headed in that direction. Of course, things do change, and we make changes accordingly.... people, jobs, relationships, opportunity, etc.

 

I'm not sure where you say I'm in an unhealthy limbo, or contradicting. And there is no game playing... that's clearly over. And see no action that say we are not adults. If you would explain, I'd appreciate it.