Tough situation with a good friend and not sure how to act

[IceDx]

Just found this forum so I am going to give this a try and get some advice on situation that has been bothering me.

 

I have a really good female friend, and we have been friends for about 7 years. It started where we met in college and we were both 21 at the time. We became pretty good friends at that time, we were in classes together and started hanging out every now and then. We were both in and out of relationships at that time, so it was more platonic.

 

After graduation we kind of lost touch, but still randomly kept in contact. There was this brief time where we hung out for a few weeks, it was clear she liked me at that time, but I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and just wanted space in general and never really responded to the flirting and hints she wanted to take things further. It was always on and off thing though with our friendship, we would be in close touch a few months, than we wouldn't talk to each other for a few months.

 

About 2 years ago we ended up getting jobs at the same company and are working together. We see each other all the time at work, talk a ton and as a result we became close friends again. Recently, the last 5 months we have gotten very close.

 

This is where things get confusing, at least for me. We started to hang out outside of work and we have very long text conversations. She always wants to know how I am, wants to help me with whatever issue I am dealing with and flirts on and off. The flirting is obvious enough were friends will ask if there is something between us now, if we are dating. On the other hand she openly refers to me as her "BFF" and often says I am "the only one she can count on in her life". At times it seems like she likes me past friends but then there are these weird 2 or 3 day periods where she is kind of cold to me.

 

Of course there has to be a problem. She met this guy about 2 years ago in a hobby they both do. They got serious relationship wise, even lived together for a few months, but then broke up. The problem is she hangs out with him off an on. She tells me sometimes about their status and other times she never brings it up.

 

We don't hang out as often (once a week usually) but when we do we just seem to be perfect together when we are out, we really click and we really enjoy each others company. She also always seems to be the one initiating text conversations with me or making the plans to hang out.

 

I can't tell whether or not she likes me past a "BFF". I can't figure out what is going on with her and her ex, other than I know they have periods where they hang out for a string of days. I have developed feelings for her now and feel I want to take the next step.

 

I do really like the platonic friendship though and I know what happens if I try to take the next step and she doesn't like it. It will ruin it. I don't want that to happen.

 

How do you read this situation? Too much to risk with her being a close friend and someone I work with?

[preraph]

She could be cold for a couple of days because she doesn't understand why you don't ask her out. Look, it is always a risk of ruining a friendship. One of my only regrets is I ruined one, but if I hadn't, I'd always have wondered if there was more there.

 

You're really good friends and talk about things, so next time you are talking, why not just say, "How would your ex feel if I took you out on a real date?" She may start talking about him nonstop and maybe reveal she's still all into him or she may say, "I don't give a crap what he'd think about it," at which point you say, "Cool. Then let's go out Saturday night." And right from the beginning, start either holding her hand or touching her back guiding her in doors and to her chair. Maybe a movie is the a good idea because it's easy to cuddle and put your arm around the back of her chair. Just see how it goes. Even if she says "This is weird," that doesn't necessarily mean it's bad. She says something like that, say "I like it!"

[IceDx]

She could be cold for a couple of days because she doesn't understand why you don't ask her out. Look, it is always a risk of ruining a friendship. One of my only regrets is I ruined one, but if I hadn't, I'd always have wondered if there was more there.

 

You're really good friends and talk about things, so next time you are talking, why not just say, "How would your ex feel if I took you out on a real date?" She may start talking about him nonstop and maybe reveal she's still all into him or she may say, "I don't give a crap what he'd think about it," at which point you say, "Cool. Then let's go out Saturday night." And right from the beginning, start either holding her hand or touching her back guiding her in doors and to her chair. Maybe a movie is the a good idea because it's easy to cuddle and put your arm around the back of her chair. Just see how it goes. Even if she says "This is weird," that doesn't necessarily mean it's bad. She says something like that, say "I like it!"

 

I saw some other good threads on hear and got a little bold and in a conversation I made a comment saying "but you are still seeing your ex?" and it was just so unsuspecting how I got this in there. She responded "yeah I guess but I don't know?" What do you interpret that as?

 

I kind of didn't know how to take the conversation after, there was a slight awkward pause and then I just continued on with something else all together. Kicking myself right now because I could have unsuspecting pried a little more. I think I might try to bring this up again om a day or two. This will give more room or will feel better trying to do what you said in terms of suggesting a date.

 

I guess I worry about the risk a little more since we work together on top of the friendship. I think if it was just the friendship I would be a little bolder. Any thoughts on this? Do you think there is a safer way I could at least get hints at whether or not she has any kind of feelings for me?

 

You know I am realizing it is so much easier to to try and date a girl when a strong mutual friendship has not been established. If I meet a girl and I am interested in her, its so easy to ask her out on a date and move forward. This is harder!

Edited May 13, 2015 by IceDx

[preraph]

So next try the question I suggested. She doesn't sound like she's really into him. I wouldn't let it stop me from asking her out. But it's always a gamble. Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[AGoodFriend]

The truth is, she probably still has feelings for the ex. I'm not sure the reason they broke up. But if he cheated on her or broke it off with her, she is probably not over it. If he cheated and that's the reason it ended, she may be looking for something to help her get over it.

 

I know you would like the relationship to mean more, but trust me, once you get involved with a friend, you can't go back unless you both mutually agree to end it the first time after you make love. You guys both have to realize that it wasn't the right move and accept that and move on as friends.

 

It is best to be there for her and listen to her as she goes through it with her ex, but avoid trying to get romantically involved with her. Even if she accepts your offer, she will continue to see him and you would be crushed, as a lover and as a friend.

 

Let her get over it. Maybe down the road, something could happen. But it's too hot right now.

[privategal]

Life is short. Ask her out...he's her EX she's single.

Make it clear 'exclusive' is your goal.

[privategal]

Interstingly enough...scroll down under your post to the related posts to the title 'tough situation with a male friend'..see the similarity? She wonders why he wont speak UP!!