When do you know for sure you are in a sexless marriage ?

[Phoenician]

I rarely try to remember old incidences ; maybe the inner of one side trieD to deny problemS ; though some of my feedback about will be sarcastic, but I feel that for 2 people into a partnership it is important to detect that a mismatch exists ; if detected it is a red flag don't ignore it .

 

I have created this thread to advise those who see red flags from the beggining and ignore them assuming that is it okey ...

 

Don't wait until having 3 children if a real problem exists ; You live your life once ;, especially if you are HD , it is not a joke , sex deprivation is one of the most painfull feelings ; I have been through wars , survived a brain tumor , faced bankrupcy once ; yet nothing was more harmfull to me to feel rejected sexually by my wife .

 

It is affecting my whole life , my work , my relation with people ...

[Phoenician]

You are in a sexless marriage when while in the mid of intercourse, your partner jumps out of the bed to record a favorite episode .

[autumnnight]

While I think it is great if two people want to "wait for marriage" for intercourse, I think they should at least experiment and TALK TALK TALK about their desires and expectations prior to marriage. Church paranoia be damned, so to speak.

 

And if it's too easy for a man to be too much of a gentleman.....that is a red flag, ladies. If he can keep his hands off you without breaking a sweat and you're supposed to be getting married, you better be asking some serious questions.

[MJJean]

If your future spouse ever says "sex isn't that big of a deal" or something similar, ask a lot of questions and proceed with caution unless you also have a low sex drive and/or place sex down a bit on the priority list.

[Popsicle]

I rarely try to remember old incidences ; maybe the inner of one side trieD to deny problemS ; though some of my feedback about will be sarcastic, but I feel that for 2 people into a partnership it is important to detect that a mismatch exists ; if detected it is a red flag don't ignore it .

 

I have created this thread to advise those who see red flags from the beggining and ignore them assuming that is it okey ...

 

Don't wait until having 3 children if a real problem exists ; You live your life once ;, especially if you are HD , it is not a joke , sex deprivation is one of the most painfull feelings ; I have been through wars , survived a brain tumor , faced bankrupcy once ; yet nothing was more harmfull to me to feel rejected sexually by my wife .

 

It is affecting my whole life , my work , my relation with people ...

 

Oh wow. Thank you for sharing.

[Popsicle]

Don't wait until having 3 children if a real problem exists ....

 

Have you ever read some of these other threads from people in sexless marriages who are lamenting? Sometimes they don't have kids nor have been married for long, but mention divorce and they start predictably back peddling. Just like someone who's been married for years with kids would. some people cite the circumstances (kids house job, etc) for not leaving. Some people cite love for not leaving. Some people cite position in society. Most don't want to cheat either. Whatever it is, I learned that married people just like to vent and that's about it. I guess this is why escorts have a high percentage a married men as their clients (who often want to spend time venting).

 

Are you looking for suggestions on how to cope better with this in your marriage, or are you looking for advice on how to get your wife to have a higher sex drive?

Edited May 13, 2015 by Popsicle

[oldshirt]

You know your in a sexless when -

 

- you are trying to make love to your partner and she/keeps looking at the clock and telling you to hurry up and finish.

 

- when your partner agrees to have sex but assumes the "starfish" position and just lays there with arms and legs at their sides and eyes closed and doesn't touch you or say a word.

 

- when you stop initiating and stop brining it up and they don't lift a finger or say a word about it.

(IMHO this can be a good diagnostic tool after bringing it up multiple times and possibly even after MC. Mark a date on a calendar a few months out and if they seem perfectly happy and content and don't say a word after a few months then you know where they stand and you can schedule a meeting with a lawyer the next day)

 

- they say they have no desire and it's not important to them but then you find a stash of porn or porn history on the computer or you find an email history of them engaging in graphic sex talk or even a physical affair with someone else.

 

- they don't have time or energy for sex but find time and energy for everything else. (Firsthand experience with this one - had an ex GF who hadn't had an interest in sex for over a month, then one night I made all the special arrangements and invited her over. She stopped by for a minute but said she had to get home because she needed to pack up some dishes in the cupboard....and she meant it. That was it for me and that was the last time we talked as a couple. The next convo was on the terms and conditions of our break up)

 

- he/she rolls their eyes and says, "really? Again?!!!" And it's been two months since the last time.

 

- there is always an excuse and always a promise of "next time" as if there really is a "time".

 

- it's been longer than a few months without anything regardless of the excuses given. Even a quadriplegic can still give affections.

 

- at 6 months, it's over and it ain't happening again without a fight and who wants to have sex with someone who is simply breaking down after a fight about it.

[davidromero43]

spouse ever says "sex isn't that big of a deal"

 

SonOfABitch! I knew it!

 

Really that is kind of a cop out. When a couple first starts having sex it is exciting, because it is new. After a while it gets kind of routine. After marriage it turns into a script of knowing exactly what the other wants and doing it. And boring sex is boring, it isn't that big of a deal. This is also an issue after you leave the partner. You remember back about how they knew exactly what you wanted and did it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sex·less

adjective

lacking in sexual desire, interest, activity, or attractiveness.

 

When you're not getting your sexual needs met by your spouse, that is a sexless marriage to me.

[Popsicle]

But what happens after you finally KNOW you're in a sexless marriage?

[Phoenician]

While I think it is great if two people want to "wait for marriage" for intercourse, I think they should at least experiment and TALK TALK TALK about their desires and expectations prior to marriage. Church paranoia be damned, so to speak.

 

And if it's too easy for a man to be too much of a gentleman.....that is a red flag, ladies. If he can keep his hands off you without breaking a sweat and you're supposed to be getting married, you better be asking some serious questions.

 

Unfounately religion which is supposed to streamlin the life of pl is the dame cause of their misery.in short society and religion pushes women to have a borderline personality and men to psy the price.

 

The exploration during engagement is superficial,had i knew that my wife would resfuse oral ? I didnt dare to ask .

[Phoenician]

Have you ever read some of these other threads from people in sexless marriages who are lamenting? Sometimes they don't have kids nor have been married for long, but mention divorce and they start predictably back peddling. Just like someone who's been married for years with kids would. some people cite the circumstances (kids house job, etc) for not leaving. Some people cite love for not leaving. Some people cite position in society. Most don't want to cheat either. Whatever it is, I learned that married people just like to vent and that's about it. I guess this is why escorts have a high percentage a married men as their clients (who often want to spend time venting).

 

Are you looking for suggestions on how to cope better with this in your marriage, or are you looking for advice on how to get your wife to have a higher sex drive?

 

It is too late dear for any help, i am sharing this thread so that if someone by coicidance comes here he/she would be alerted that sexlife is not as ppl simplify.

 

I hear of stories were women wants to get married but dont want to have sec with her hubby , she doesnt like sex !!!!

 

If i knew that only a selfish will deprive her man from a desire , a bj for example then i would have had concerns .

The concept of fu..cking lamenting in sex is crazy .

 

And belive after 17 years deptived from a bj ,the first opportumity

I find in a safe way ...i will take it ,even if it is with a panda.

Not because i am an ********* it us because i was deprived from a desire and looked at as abnornal ,why ?

Just because i want to make love to my wife.

 

No, not all ladies are like tjis ,i git one who has the worst genes

[Phoenician]

Sex·less

adjective

lacking in sexual desire, interest, activity, or attractiveness.

 

When you're not getting your sexual needs met by your spouse, that is a sexless marriage to me.

 

Sorry if i am rude , but how can a jerk have soneone like u and not

Make love till dawn , i get exited even by looking at your pic michelle hehe.

 

So another fact about srxless marriage:

You get an erection when looking at soneone profile on the net while the pic shows only the face.

Sorry michelle !!!!

I am just stating realities .hehe

Si shine venus shine

[Phoenician]

But what happens after you finally KNOW you're in a sexless marriage?

 

 

 

If u r lucky u run away,

Otherwise u stay and just waste years in denial

And funally you become artificially asexual until one day

You do something crazy.

 

At certain times in the process , you becomr horny , vulnerable ,and struggle between taking an escort ir not .in my case i failed to do it.

But now im done.

When i feel one day i want to do it finally ,i will not cheat , i will just go and tell barbie in the face, look b1tch i am going now to sleep with a lady ,.

[MJJean]

SonOfABitch! I knew it!

 

Really that is kind of a cop out. When a couple first starts having sex it is exciting, because it is new. After a while it gets kind of routine. After marriage it turns into a script of knowing exactly what the other wants and doing it. And boring sex is boring, it isn't that big of a deal. This is also an issue after you leave the partner. You remember back about how they knew exactly what you wanted and did it.

 

Just to give you an idea.

 

I've been with my DH for 15 years, 12 of those years married. We have sex an average of 4-6 times a week. We've gone without sex for about 2 weeks here and there due to childbirth or being apart due to his work, but that has been pretty rare.

 

Sex has very rarely ever been boring or routine. When it has been that way it's been because one or both of us was physically exhausted.

 

We're sexually compatible and complimentary. We do a lot of experimentation and exploring. We add what we like to our repertoire and either shelve what we didn't like for another try at a later date or just forget about it. Open and honest communication helps, too. And so does recognizing that our tastes and likes evolve over time.

 

Married sex is a journey, not a destination. And it is important. Sex helps keep the bond strong and has numerous physical and mental health benefits, as well.

[autumnnight]

Unfounately religion which is supposed to streamlin the life of pl is the dame cause of their misery.in short society and religion pushes women to have a borderline personality and men to psy the price.

 

The exploration during engagement is superficial,had i knew that my wife would resfuse oral ? I didnt dare to ask .

 

I get that you're frustrated, but the whole borderline personality thing is just plain offensive.

[Michelle ma Belle]

But what happens after you finally KNOW you're in a sexless marriage?

 

You need to make some very hard decisions.

 

We've read countless threads on here of men and women desperately trying to reignite some passion in their sex-starved marriages with very little success because of a variety of reasons. As always, there are plenty of exceptions but it does seem to be more of a rarity particularly the older we get and the more years a couple is together.

 

The way I see it is you either accept it or you end it. Apart from having an affair, there are only really two options in a monogamous relationship.

[oldshirt]

 

We've read countless threads on here of men and women desperately trying to reignite some passion in their sex-starved marriages with very little success because of a variety of reasons. As always, there are plenty of exceptions but it does seem to be more of a rarity particularly the older we get and the more years a couple is together.

 

The way I see it is you either accept it or you end it. Apart from having an affair, there are only really two options in a monogamous relationship.

 

I think some couples can reignite some of the flame to a degree so I do believe in the 3rd option of addressing what is stifling the desire.

 

I say that with a big caveat however.

 

That caveat is if the couple had a good desire and good attraction and good compatibility in the beginning and something interfered with their desire, they may be able to get SOME of it back.

 

Things that can interfere with their desire for their partner

Are things like medical issues, medications, psychological issues, partner's weight gain, laziness, drug/alcohol abuse, chronic unemployment, high conflict relationship etc etc etc.

 

Those things may be able to be delt with and improved somewhat.

 

However for other couples where there was never any flames burning brightly or cases of bait-and-switch where someone was just pretending to be sexual until the ring was on the finger or untill the kids came etc, There is probably nothing that can turn those into passionate or even satisfactory relationships

[BetrayedH]

From my reading, sex therapists typically define a sexless marriage as one where intercourse happens 10 or less times per year.

 

But I'm not sure that a technical answer to your question is what you were looking for.

 

I was in a sexless marriage. Started right when we had kids (like someone had flipped a light switch) and went on for 7 years - until she had an affair. I will never tolerate that again.

[BC1980]

If your future spouse ever says "sex isn't that big of a deal" or something similar, ask a lot of questions and proceed with caution unless you also have a low sex drive and/or place sex down a bit on the priority list.

 

The ex that brought me here used to say that exact thing. "Sex isn't a big deal." He said he would go months without sex in his first marriage, and it was no big deal. He had been taught that sex was dirty, and he retained a lot of those beliefs. He would shut me down if I even tried to discuss sex. That issue didn't break us up, but I bet it would have been a big problem down the line. Funny thing was he jerked off a lot, so he never saw that as dirty.

[Phoenician]

I get that you're frustrated, but the whole borderline personality thing is just plain offensive.

 

Autumn ,

 

My wife was diagonised by a professional to have BPD , she refused consultancy or any for of therapy.

 

For me I look into the BPD issue in a very open way ; it is a disorder , or sickness , do you leave your partner because they r sick ? no , you shouldn't , when once she was sick physically , I supported her to extreem , the problem is not the disorder itself , it is he rejection to get consulted/treated .

 

The problem in her is that she is Lazy, selfish women ; hopeless case.

When I got her a full time helper to ease life on her ; we ended up in three years that the ghelper is doing everything , everything she is supposed to do except sleeping with me of course.

 

she is ready to stop parenting , stop being a wife and just live superficially , doing nothing , her work is 9:00-- 2:00 , comes everyday , eat , relax sleep an hour or two which is great , after she wake up , she would curse everybody iof she missed her favored episod .

 

she bluntly said she doesn't care about doing anything for me or kids except necessities , for her necessity is just any item that is life or death .

 

She never drive a child to after school activities or to a friend ,only a Dr appointment is a necessity ; and that is after she discover a major issue .

 

 

That's the background of the border line issue , but as I said , BPD is not the main issue , it is her selfish lazy thinking .

[Phoenician]

Regarding BPD in general in my social environment , I believe that in third party place , women are driven to be BPD :

 

-If u wear nice cloth it is your fault to be harrassed.

-you should never date before marriage , you can have friends only .

-sex is a way to reproduce only .

-A Husband is a sex machine , will cheat no matter how good he is .

-Love is unconditional , it is like your love to your father , mother , etc ...

 

Who pay the price other than the lady ?

 

the good husband .

 

This is not the case in all ppl my country , it a multicultural place , were you find all kind of ppl ; so no generalization here .

 

I raised this thread to vent , yes , but at the same time , it is an invitation to young ppl to look deep in their relationship ; when sex desires are incompatible it is a very very alarming point ; the worst is when the partner is selfish .

 

You can fix an LD issue when it is physically related ; but when the person is selfish there is no way on earth to do anything ;it is more sever than other personality disorder .

[Phoenician]

You need to make some very hard decisions.

 

We've read countless threads on here of men and women desperately trying to reignite some passion in their sex-starved marriages with very little success because of a variety of reasons. As always, there are plenty of exceptions but it does seem to be more of a rarity particularly the older we get and the more years a couple is together.

 

The way I see it is you either accept it or you end it. Apart from having an affair, there are only really two options in a monogamous relationship.

 

 

Michelle ,

 

I was able to accept it for years , 17 years ,countless of nights I don't sleep , starving for intimacy ; and was able to forgive and forgive and forgive her lack of desire s, my point is that LD is not the issue , the issue is being selfish to an extent that you won't do anything to make your partner happy .

 

How many times we used to do things to our partners that we don't like ; we do it because we are normal ppl , we have givology in our hearts.

 

The LD part is not really an issue ,let me just raise it in a simple way ; if my partner or your ex tried their best seeking medical attention and did few efforts , from oral to foreplay along with the play ; would you have left your ex ? I doubt

 

would i have been here ?

 

I doubt .

 

mine is not asexual , she is satisfied with a certain very limited number of encounters (vanilla of course ) , very limited kissing or touching ; this is enough for her .

 

One timemany years back , I recall I was desperate for anything , and had my T shot because I take T for my bones , I Did MB , still thirsty , I approached her nicely and started touching her ; she mingled that she is Tired , the next day I tried again , she said she is not really feeling into it , I whispered , a BJ will be great ( she said no way ) , I mentioned a hand job she said her hands are aching ...

 

the strange thing is that , she doesn't even see that we have a problem , the next day she will try to behave as if nothing happened .

 

How was she before marriage and at the begining , so sensual , so happy , what changed her :

 

-she discovered that life needs efforts ,it needs you to get tired ...

[Phoenician]

You know for sure that you are in a sexless marriage when your wife pretend sleeping while you are masturbating near hear in Bed ....

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I was in a sexless marriage. Turns out i wasnt meeting her emotional needs. Once i stepped up my game the sex came with it. We had a sexy marriage again. Now im stretched thin, and my wife isnt meeting my emotional needs, and sex is on the decline again.

 

Funny how that works....

 

 

Not saying this is the case for everyone, but I suspect most... I could be wrong