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When do you know for sure you are in a sexless marriage ?

Phoenician

By Phoenician
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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TX-SC Established Member

TX-SC

Posted
Posted

Just to be clear, a low sex marriage is not the same as a sexless marriage. There is a wide range of variability here. I read some threads and think "Dang, I'd LOVE to get that much sex!" and on other threads I feel fortunate for what I have. I'm lucky if I get sex once every week. Usually, we average once every two weeks. That's low for sure. I find my wife extremely sexy and could go every day with no issue. Her libido is low, so we do what she feels good with. She is very stressed due to some issues with children and work, so not always in the mood.

 

For me, sex relieves stress. For her, you have to relieve the stress to have sex. It's not really complicated in theory, but difficult in practice. I'm 46 and she is 41, but she never had a high sex drive. I knew this going into the marriage. She has had various things checked by a doctor but just doesn't have a lot of desire. FWIW, the big O comes easily enough for her so that's not an issue. But, honestly, she says having one isn't a big deal for her.

 

So, I would call my marriage a low sex marriage. But it's a very happy marriage none-the-less. My wife is my best friend. We love each other dearly and neither would ever cheat. I just learned long ago that sex will be an occassional thing, so I enjoy it all the more when I do get it.

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Phoenician Established Member

Phoenician

Posted
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regarding the definitions , theories and numbers ; i would simply say , the the issue of LD/HD is relative .

 

simply if a person who is considered HD and loves to make sex 5 times per week meets a person who likes to have 7 times a week !

the HD person would be considered LD

 

I am one of ppl who likes to have sex 3-4 times per week ; call me HD , HD++ , whatever .

 

the outcome now is that I am screwed by feeling rejected because on top of it , I am getting just boring missionary sex few times per month.

Ladyjane14 Established Member

Ladyjane14

Posted
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The last appendix in What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman discusses how to get more sex in your marriage utilizing Game Theory.

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dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
Posted
regarding the definitions , theories and numbers ; i would simply say , the the issue of LD/HD is relative .

 

simply if a person who is considered HD and loves to make sex 5 times per week meets a person who likes to have 7 times a week !

the HD person would be considered LD

 

I am one of ppl who likes to have sex 3-4 times per week ; call me HD , HD++ , whatever .

 

the outcome now is that I am screwed by feeling rejected because on top of it , I am getting just boring missionary sex few times per month.

 

 

Ok - I get it. REALLY - I DO.

 

Let me ask two questions.The last one hypothetical.

 

1) How old are you

2) If you divorce, become single. How much sex do think you will be getting on a consistent basis as a single man?

Dolfin80 Established Member

Dolfin80

Posted
Posted

Thank god I'm female and never need sex.

 

It wouldn't worry me in the slightest if I never have sex again. Don't even know what all the fuss is about.

 

you guys certainly got the raw deal in life lol

TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
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No, trust me, I don't think they did.

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Dolfin80 Established Member

Dolfin80

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No, trust me, I don't think they did.

 

Lolz

 

you could be dying of cancer and these guys would still be whinging their not getting any lol

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TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
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Lolz

 

you could be dying of cancer and these guys would still be whinging their not getting any lol

 

Yes, but we're not talking health problems; women also "suffer" sexless marriages.

 

(*They're*)

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TX-SC Established Member

TX-SC

Posted
Posted

This isn't a male versus female thing. There are plenty of marriages where the woman wants more sex than the man. Some even lead to cheating, as can be seen on the LS infidelity forum. Making light of the situation, or calling guys "whiners" because they are getting little or no sex in a marriage is hardly an adult response. I have worked with my wife in so many ways to help her feel " in the mood" but the reality is that sometimes people just have different needs and desires. It can ruin a marriage either quickly or over time. Hardly something to blow off as unimportant.

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dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
Posted (edited)

Yes there have been some real heartbreaking stories of wives in low or no sex marriages. It was eye opening to me to see husbands who loose interest. One gal who used to post here tried so hard to get her husband to respond and end up in a string of short affairs that she hated herself for - until she finally divorced. So sad.

 

I have been in a low sex marriage for a long time - with someone who used to have a high libido and many casual partners. Sadness, self esteem issues, resentment, mad, alone....tempted to cheat ....all those things can happen when one feels rejected or undesired. Right now the OP is posting all over this board his hurt and rage - I hope he finds ways to cope or work on it both with his wife and by himself.

Edited by dichotomy
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dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
Just to be clear, a low sex marriage is not the same as a sexless marriage. There is a wide range of variability here. I read some threads and think "Dang, I'd LOVE to get that much sex!" and on other threads I feel fortunate for what I have. I'm lucky if I get sex once every week. Usually, we average once every two weeks. That's low for sure. I find my wife extremely sexy and could go every day with no issue. Her libido is low, so we do what she feels good with. She is very stressed due to some issues with children and work, so not always in the mood.

 

For me, sex relieves stress. For her, you have to relieve the stress to have sex. It's not really complicated in theory, but difficult in practice. I'm 46 and she is 41, but she never had a high sex drive. I knew this going into the marriage. She has had various things checked by a doctor but just doesn't have a lot of desire. FWIW, the big O comes easily enough for her so that's not an issue. But, honestly, she says having one isn't a big deal for her.

 

So, I would call my marriage a low sex marriage. But it's a very happy marriage none-the-less. My wife is my best friend. We love each other dearly and neither would ever cheat. I just learned long ago that sex will be an occassional thing, so I enjoy it all the more when I do get it.

 

That's my husband too. He has to be "low-stress and chores done" to have sex.

 

I've never heard of that in a guy before.

I've read about it in women TONS of times. Not me in the least. When things are stressful, I want it a few times a day.

 

It's like living in the effing Twilight Zone.

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dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
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Thank god I'm female and never need sex.

 

It wouldn't worry me in the slightest if I never have sex again. Don't even know what all the fuss is about.

 

you guys certainly got the raw deal in life lol

 

I'm female and I need sex.

 

It freaks me out that I probably won't get enough to be satisfactory.

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dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
Yes there have been some real heartbreaking stories of wives in low or no sex marriages. It was eye opening to me to see husbands who loose interest. One gal who used to post here tried so hard to get her husband to respond and end up in a string of short affairs that she hated herself for - until she finally divorced. So sad.

 

I have been in a low sex marriage for a long time - with someone who used to have a high libido and many casual partners. Sadness, self esteem issues, resentment, mad, alone....tempted to cheat ....all those things can happen when one feels rejected or undesired. Right now the OP is posting all over this board his hurt and rage - I hope he finds ways to cope or work on it both with his wife and by himself.

 

I often have been tempted to step out and have had many tangible opportunities to do so.

 

As the daughter of a cheater, with a daughter of my own, I know exactly what that would do to my family.

 

What compounds it is my husband has cheated so often in the back of my head there's this refrain that "he hasn't got a leg to stand on."

 

Back that's really digging into history to justify poor behaviour.

 

One thing I very much have learned is that carrying massive amounts of resent around in a marriage or whining about your spouse gets nowhere. Zip zero nowhere.

 

I am getting probably three to four times the sex I was getting before, and he's even initiating, but its taken awhile to get here.

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deepinthewoods Member

deepinthewoods

Posted
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Dealing with this myself, it has really wrecked my relationship. It is not just the drive to get off, I do that by myself, but the closeness with my wife. We would have sex maybe every 2 weeks on average, after many iniations by me, and then a withdrawal period, and then her wondering why I was so grumpy, and the maybe a fight.

 

My feelings for her changed slowly and painfully after each rejection. I told her that I felt my heart leaving, that I was feeling open to other women, that I was at the end of my rope. I tried to be ok with it, but I guess maybe other things are missing too that sex would make up for, such as affection, deep conversation, strong support and encouragement.

 

I ended up meeting someone else that I was strongly drawn to and carried on a secret friendship for a while. Nothing physical or even emotional was shared. I told my wife about it, and it has all blown up and she has moved out.

 

The thing is, we have a 16 month old daughter, so it is super hard to separate, and it is a perfect excuse not to have sex. I can't argue with post-natal hormones, breastfeeding, fatigue, and on and on. I do love my wife deeply, but the sexual resistance feels just brutal and really killed our family. She is sexual by nature, but as she says, she's changed. It is rough, there is no doubt about it.

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Dolfin80 Established Member

Dolfin80

Posted
Posted
I'm female and I need sex.

 

It freaks me out that I probably won't get enough to be satisfactory.

 

I guess this is why people get married?

Dolfin80 Established Member

Dolfin80

Posted
Posted
This isn't a male versus female thing. There are plenty of marriages where the woman wants more sex than the man. Some even lead to cheating, as can be seen on the LS infidelity forum. Making light of the situation, or calling guys "whiners" because they are getting little or no sex in a marriage is hardly an adult response. I have worked with my wife in so many ways to help her feel " in the mood" but the reality is that sometimes people just have different needs and desires. It can ruin a marriage either quickly or over time. Hardly something to blow off as unimportant.

 

That was a joke.

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Phoenician Established Member

Phoenician

Posted
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Posted
Dealing with this myself, it has really wrecked my relationship. It is not just the drive to get off, I do that by myself, but the closeness with my wife. We would have sex maybe every 2 weeks on average, after many iniations by me, and then a withdrawal period, and then her wondering why I was so grumpy, and the maybe a fight.

 

My feelings for her changed slowly and painfully after each rejection. I told her that I felt my heart leaving, that I was feeling open to other women, that I was at the end of my rope. I tried to be ok with it, but I guess maybe other things are missing too that sex would make up for, such as affection, deep conversation, strong support and encouragement.

 

I ended up meeting someone else that I was strongly drawn to and carried on a secret friendship for a while. Nothing physical or even emotional was shared. I told my wife about it, and it has all blown up and she has moved out.

 

The thing is, we have a 16 month old daughter, so it is super hard to separate, and it is a perfect excuse not to have sex. I can't argue with post-natal hormones, breastfeeding, fatigue, and on and on. I do love my wife deeply, but the sexual resistance feels just brutal and really killed our family. She is sexual by nature, but as she says, she's changed. It is rough, there is no doubt about it.

 

 

I can feel with you ....

 

chapeaux bas .

 

you know my friend some ppl are not getting it , that if we are crooks , we could have left !

Rejected Rosebud Established Member

Rejected Rosebud

Posted
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you know my friend some ppl are not getting it , that if we are crooks , we could have left !

You would NOT be a crook if you left. You would be a much more admirable and stand-up guy than one who just whines and complains and disrespects his wife and his marriage. Stand up and be true to yourself. If you are this unhappy you need to LEAVE.

 

I have to tell you that a guy who whines, complains, tries to "punish," masturbates next to his wife in bed because she didn't want to have sex with him would be completely, absolutely, without a doubt UNSEXY to any woman imaginable. As long as you keep this self pity and entitlement mantle on, and I am sure you intend to do it for life, your wife will find having sex with you quite unbearable. Because your whole deal is ANTI - SEXY. So either go to a therapist and get a whole new way of being present and a partner in your marriage, or GET OUT OF IT.

 

Even if your wife is the useless blob you tell us she is, you still throw enough anti-sexiness out there to kill the libido of anybody.

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Cablebandit Established Member

Cablebandit

Posted
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a quick glance at the sub Reddit /deadbedrooms will show you how sexual incompatibility has ruined so many marriages. Sex is important to most people.

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Phoenician Established Member

Phoenician

Posted
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You would NOT be a crook if you left. You would be a much more admirable and stand-up guy than one who just whines and complains and disrespects his wife and his marriage. Stand up and be true to yourself. If you are this unhappy you need to LEAVE.

 

I have to tell you that a guy who whines, complains, tries to "punish," masturbates next to his wife in bed because she didn't want to have sex with him would be completely, absolutely, without a doubt UNSEXY to any woman imaginable. As long as you keep this self pity and entitlement mantle on, and I am sure you intend to do it for life, your wife will find having sex with you quite unbearable. Because your whole deal is ANTI - SEXY. So either go to a therapist and get a whole new way of being present and a partner in your marriage, or GET OUT OF IT.

 

 

 

Even if your wife is the useless blob you tell us she is, you still throw enough anti-sexiness out there to kill the libido of anybody.

 

 

Rose , you have to understand one thing , we come to this forum because we speak about things that can't be spoken in public , and sometimes not to partners .

 

we come here also to get some constructive advices , and you suggesting that I go IC is a great constructive one ; I went to IC , and worked on many issues ; the therapist suggested two things that we go together to MC , and to have IC for her too .

 

She refused , and refused and refused...

 

to reply to you in a logical way , I just tell you describing the situation of a sexless message is the topic of this thread ,what are the causes , whether i am a bad partner or not , all other issues are outside the scope .

 

I am just describing that sexless marriage is not just the number of times per year ...

 

It is when you or your partner makes acts that defines that you are in a sexless/rejected marriage .

 

Let me ask you one question , if your husband makes the sin the way you see it and masterbates in the bed , what does this tell you ?

how should you react if you are normal and claim to love him ?

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TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

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Posted
...if your husband makes the sin the way you see it and masterbates in the bed , what does this tell you ?
It tells me he has no respect for me and cares little about how he affects me.

how should you react if you are normal and claim to love him ?

The love is obviously one-sided.

After a while, flogging a dead horse is pointless. I'd leave.

 

Why don't you?

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Ladyjane14 Established Member

Ladyjane14

Posted
Posted
Rose , you have to understand one thing , we come to this forum because we speak about things that can't be spoken in public , and sometimes not to partners .

 

we come here also to get some constructive advices , and you suggesting that I go IC is a great constructive one ; I went to IC , and worked on many issues ; the therapist suggested two things that we go together to MC , and to have IC for her too .

 

She refused , and refused and refused...

 

to reply to you in a logical way , I just tell you describing the situation of a sexless message is the topic of this thread ,what are the causes , whether i am a bad partner or not , all other issues are outside the scope .

 

I am just describing that sexless marriage is not just the number of times per year ...

 

It is when you or your partner makes acts that defines that you are in a sexless/rejected marriage .

 

Let me ask you one question , if your husband makes the sin the way you see it and masterbates in the bed , what does this tell you ?

how should you react if you are normal and claim to love him ?

 

The issues and attitudes within the marriage are NOT "outside the scope". They typically are the primary reasons why a man isn't getting as much sexual attention as he wants from his wife. Other reasons would be physiological, of course, but when your whole basic demeanor toward your spouse is one of contempt... it's going to result in your partner walling herself off. And frankly, from what you've posted here, I can't imagine that your attitude isn't putting off a whiff.

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Rejected Rosebud Established Member

Rejected Rosebud

Posted
Posted
Rose , you have to understand one thing , we come to this forum because we speak about things that can't be spoken in public , and sometimes not to partners .
I know! I have no complaints about you posting what you do, I'm just putting in my own perspectives on it because that's what we DO on this forum!! :)

 

I went to IC , and worked on many issues ; the therapist suggested two things that we go together to MC , and to have IC for her too .

 

She refused , and refused and refused...

OK. So that's what she did. What have YOU done about your personal issues? It is co-dependent to turn all conversations about a person's problems on to how it's because of another person. You can work on that.

 

I just tell you describing the situation of a sexless message is the topic of this thread ,what are the causes , whether i am a bad partner or not , all other issues are outside the scope .
Are you serious? Sex in a relationship is not happening in a vacuum. What kind of a partner you are and EVERYTHING that goes on in your household are completely IN the scope. Maybe the fact that you just view your wife as a sex giving robot who isn't doing her job rather than taking her as an individual, and your relationship, and what's going on with the kids, and your general behavior towards her and her toward you -is causing a lot of problems.

 

I swear that if my guy had an attitude like yours towards me ... well we would not only be in a sexless relationship, we would not BE in a relationship.

 

I am just describing that sexless marriage is not just the number of times per year ...

 

 

Let me ask you one question , if your husband makes the sin the way you see it and masterbates in the bed , what does this tell you ?

:sick::sick: It would tell me that he disrespects me totally and spits on our marriage, and that I would sleep in a different place from him.

 

If somebody doesn't want to have sex and you FOIST your own sexual stuff onto them it's quite a giant trespass. Next time go do that in your own space if she is not being sexual towards you. I find that completely offensive in a deep way. I bet it sums up your relationship, too.

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