Author RoseVille Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 After reading this thread the impression I get is: OP is breaking NC. I can hear the groans already: "they work together you ignoramus - and don't say she has to quit". Well, true NC is one quitting. But ok, we will call it "NC-lite". And its not even that. You ALLOWED him to have a non work related conversation - all that crap he has, now twice, vomited out- fishing of course. Put an end to it. In no uncertain terms communicate if he even considers saying that hallmark drivel you'll shove a cheese grater up his as_. Work related conversation only. Put an end to the fishing. That's on YOU. Think of a movie director and the star actor, and that they have to work for the same production company until they retire (that's not the job but it's the best analogy I can come up with in terms of the necessity of our interaction), and try and tell me that I am "allowing" him to speak. I cannot prevent him from uttering words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 I really do think he sincerely wants to fix his M, to find a way to be happy in it. But I don't know how that's possible... At least he is aware that this is what he is trying to do and has communicated that. Mine just says "I feel too guilty so can't leave her." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
devastated777 Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) I'm sorry but I think a lot of MM's get so much flack...like they are so bad and granted, some may very well be. But, I know that people grow and change and sometimes, if you're blessed/lucky, you grow with your spouse, or you don't. Then an affair happens. the MM is trying to do the socially accepted, morally right thing by staying with his family and of course is considering the kids lives too but the connection with OW is just overwhelming. I think that they are truly torn and we take it as being slighted or like its a competition and I really don't see it like that. then, when we start thinking that way, it switches up they whole dynamics of the relationship. kinda like manifests itself into a negative thing, as most things end up happening. Divorce has such a stigma and is so looked down on that some people even resort to killing their spouses, rather than getting a divorce. It's not as simple to leave a family as the majority of Ow's think it should be. It's as if they find it insulting that they stay in the "miserable marriage" instead of picking them, then they turn bitter. Its just not that way. so yeah, having said all that, he is very attracted to you, no doubt about it. And he is struggling but that seems to be one of the factors that drives us wild and keeps both parties coming back for more. Edited May 14, 2015 by devastated777 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 Roseville, sorry I'm not familiar with your backstory, but are you the sort who's more likely to give into temptation? I kind of assume so since this guy's your MM. Not judging, just trying to get a feel. You can be that person if you want and not be taken advantage of if you can assume the 'player' role. Reduce the emotional and increase the physical. My guess is it's maybe 75% about sex anyway. You can get the lovey-doveys as a side effect from intense desire, but it's often not real. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 I agree with you, devastated. I don't think he's manipulating me. I think he's sincerely struggling. I'd love to be able to share more so folks would understand, but I just can't post certain stuff publicly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 Roseville, sorry I'm not familiar with your backstory, but are you the sort who's more likely to give into temptation? I kind of assume so since this guy's your MM. Not judging, just trying to get a feel. You can be that person if you want and not be taken advantage of if you can assume the 'player' role. Reduce the emotional and increase the physical. My guess is it's maybe 75% about sex anyway. You can get the lovey-doveys as a side effect from intense desire, but it's often not real. Yes, I am not someone who has a ton of willpower. I don't know what you mean by assume the player role...? Is that how I'd get over him? Typically doesn't work that way for me; stick it in, and unless the sex is bad, I'll catch feelings. The sex is the best I've had, and not because of the illicit nature of it. There's a level of comfort there (both inside and outside the bedroom) that's something I've never had. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 The player role would mean you bscly use him for sex and let him figure out the fallout (if he has any). If that's not you, that's cool. It's just that it would be possible to have your cake and eat it too if you could achieve that state of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 The player role would mean you bscly use him for sex and let him figure out the fallout (if he has any). If that's not you, that's cool. It's just that it would be possible to have your cake and eat it too if you could achieve that state of mind. I wish I could do that... Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 I'm sorry but I think a lot of MM's get so much flack...like they are so bad and granted, some may very well be. But, I know that people grow and change and sometimes, if you're blessed/lucky, you grow with your spouse, or you don't. Then an affair happens. the MM is trying to do the socially accepted, morally right thing by staying with his family and of course is considering the kids lives too but the connection with OW is just overwhelming. I think that they are truly torn and we take it as being slighted or like its a competition and I really don't see it like that. then, when we start thinking that way, it switches up they whole dynamics of the relationship. kinda like manifests itself into a negative thing, as most things end up happening. Divorce has such a stigma and is so looked down on that some people even resort to killing their spouses, rather than getting a divorce. It's not as simple to leave a family as the majority of Ow's think it should be. It's as if they find it insulting that they stay in the "miserable marriage" instead of picking them, then they turn bitter. Its just not that way. so yeah, having said all that, he is very attracted to you, no doubt about it. And he is struggling but that seems to be one of the factors that drives us wild and keeps both parties coming back for more. I agree. It's easier for me to try to understand MM as human beings, with motivations as good as I can imagine, flawed and struggling with their own individual life problems. When I read the other perspective here, the one where people make them out to be evil, intentionally hurtful, bastards, it makes me anxious and despondent. Sometimes I think "Well the TRUTH hurts" but that doesn't help. Of course I know the truth is actually somewhere in between the two extremes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 Roseville, when tempted by things, and I completely understand, I like to ask myself "and then what". And play out each possible step that could happen and how you might feel. I know that when we were broken up, while yes I wanted him badly, I thought about the big picture, what I wanted for myself, and that would take the air out of the balloon pretty quickly. I was not going to be the bandaid in anyone's life. So I put faith in myself that after I got through it I would be okay, I knew I would be happy again, and I knew that I was a very reasonable person to love so I stood an excellent chance to be loved by many in the future. And I kept myself on that path. If he caught up, great, I would decide if I still wanted him, but it was now all about what I wanted and what was best for me. So stick to your guns. You won't regret it I promise. Right it out, get it out, go through the emotions but stick to knowing what is best for you and don't back down from that. He may step up, he may not but only time will tell you that. And either way, you will come out the winner. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 Roseville, I just wanted to send you some support. I can only imagine how tough this is. I haven't gone NC with my MM but I feel that it's coming soon (the pathetic thing is that it's only been a 3-week A and I'm already posting on this board and such... seems ominous, like it's guaranteed to be a disaster in the end lol). My MM is also at work although luckily we can't see each other from our desks, he is down a different hallway. Yesterday he was dressed really nicely and smelled good and I almost died from desire. Today he was dressed down as he apparently had no meetings, and I was much less turned on... phew! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 Roseville, when tempted by things, and I completely understand, I like to ask myself "and then what". And play out each possible step that could happen and how you might feel. I know that when we were broken up, while yes I wanted him badly, I thought about the big picture, what I wanted for myself, and that would take the air out of the balloon pretty quickly. I was not going to be the bandaid in anyone's life. So I put faith in myself that after I got through it I would be okay, I knew I would be happy again, and I knew that I was a very reasonable person to love so I stood an excellent chance to be loved by many in the future. And I kept myself on that path. If he caught up, great, I would decide if I still wanted him, but it was now all about what I wanted and what was best for me. So stick to your guns. You won't regret it I promise. Right it out, get it out, go through the emotions but stick to knowing what is best for you and don't back down from that. He may step up, he may not but only time will tell you that. And either way, you will come out the winner. This is SO helpful to me! Thank you for sharing this wisdom! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 He's not here today. Easier. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 I wish I could do that... Do you actually wish you could? Willingness to learn is the first step. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 Do you actually wish you could? Willingness to learn is the first step. Yes. And I've tried. I wanted it to be that way when it started. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Well in that case do you want to be my pupil? Might be most appropriate to PM if you do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 Well in that case do you want to be my pupil? Might be most appropriate to PM if you do. I'm down! I don't have PM here though, or can't find it...? Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Check out the PM FAQ and then let me know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 I'm down! I don't have PM here though, or can't find it...? I think you have to be an "established member" to get messaging capabilities. I don't know what the threshold is to achieve that, but once I got there, the messaging came with. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Think of a movie director and the star actor, and that they have to work for the same production company until they retire (that's not the job but it's the best analogy I can come up with in terms of the necessity of our interaction), and try and tell me that I am "allowing" him to speak. I cannot prevent him from uttering words. Lets say one day as you walk by I give a whistle and wink with a sneering "Heeeeeey baby". You immediately pivot and right cross me so hard I see stars. The next day I do it again - because I'm dense. Aaaaand I get clocked again. On the third day, you notice I'm silent - looking the other way in fact. No surprise there. And miraculously it never happens again. Did you control me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 I think you have to be an "established member" to get messaging capabilities. I don't know what the threshold is to achieve that, but once I got there, the messaging came with. Oh, okay. Is it based on likes? Or reputation? Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Oh, okay. Is it based on likes? Or reputation? According to the FAQs, it's based on duration of membership and number of posts contributed. They withhold the PM until it's established that you do not intend to spam everyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Roseville, when tempted by things, and I completely understand, I like to ask myself "and then what". And play out each possible step that could happen and how you might feel. I know that when we were broken up, while yes I wanted him badly, I thought about the big picture, what I wanted for myself, and that would take the air out of the balloon pretty quickly. I was not going to be the bandaid in anyone's life. So I put faith in myself that after I got through it I would be okay, I knew I would be happy again, and I knew that I was a very reasonable person to love so I stood an excellent chance to be loved by many in the future. And I kept myself on that path. If he caught up, great, I would decide if I still wanted him, but it was now all about what I wanted and what was best for me. So stick to your guns. You won't regret it I promise. Right it out, get it out, go through the emotions but stick to knowing what is best for you and don't back down from that. He may step up, he may not but only time will tell you that. And either way, you will come out the winner. "and then what". I love that. And it's true...... Unless he is available he is a dead end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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