Long Distance

[jef240]

I've been lurking the forums and It was only until now that I registered because I wanted to ask something personally. Currently, I'm in a long distance relationship, we're engaged in fact. My fiancee is working in the US for a couple of months before she goes back. But whenever she goes out on her day offs, It worries me because she gets home around 2-3 in the AM. she'll be out of the house since noon and she gets mad at me for being upset with her for that. she's going to tell me that "don't you love me" "why can't you just let me go out". Is the problem with me? somehow i can't see her POV. because my POV is that she fights more for staying out than she does for our relationship.

 

edit: she goes out with her friends who are cheaters. girl 1 has a boyfriend (both of them are thinking of getting married; on the process of choosing rings) he's going to visit in a week from england but she has been keeping 2 guys, girl 2 has a boyfriend in another country as well for 6 years.

 

we also dont get to talk that much anymore because she has so many plans

Edited May 13, 2015 by jef240
update

[d0nnivain]

If you don't trust her, you can't marry her.

 

Although there is a saying that nothing good happens after midnight, there mere fact of her staying out until 2 is not alone evidence of cheating.

 

Can you come visit her while she is away from you to meet her friends & check out who's around?

[jef240]

Yeah, I'm just being too overprotective as i do not trust her friends. and I know thinking that she might be influenced is not trusting her too. I guess i'll just have to take a dive and trust her. maybe its a good idea to postpone the wedding. just until i know that i can trust her without doubt.

 

It is not possible at the moment due to personal matters that i'm currently attending to.

I really hope things work out. I believe she's not cheating at the moment, I'm simply afraid that she might give in to her friends influences. maybe that stems from the point that i don't trust her enough.

 

I just hope that she respects me enough to work things out with me and adjust. but i guess shes not yet ready for the life of responsibilities

[Anderlie]

You definitely aren't ready for marriage because you expect a grown woman to sit at home while on the trip of a lifetime because you get squicked out by friends you presumably barely know.

 

My husband is in the army so we are separated a lot, for longer than you two are that's for sure. When he's away I never sit at home, I go out and socialise and have fun because a. My life can't revolve entirely around him, I need to make friends as well and b. Keeping busy helps me not miss him as much. I tell him what I'm doing and he supports it 100%. His trust and love means so much to me I'd be crazy to break that by being deceitful. You're doing the opposite, you're being mistrustful and suspicious and in the end you will drive your girl away.

[jef240]

don't get me wrong, Anderlie. I'm trying to keep an open-mind. I don't expect her to sit at home, I actually encourage her to go out. but not as late as 4 to 6am in the morning. and I think not being able to make contact during those hours is disrespectful to me as her partner. It's not just being mistrustful, her safety is also a factor in this. try to consider different point of views other than your own. not everyone lives the same life that you have.

 

if i may ask a question, personally, do you find it to live a healthy lifestyle to always stay out in the wee hours? and does your husband share the same opinion?

 

As for me, I care enough to ask and voice out my opinion to my partner, and i adjust accordingly. well, in fact, we have talked it out and we agreed that when she plans to stay longer, she would tell me about it. since what's caused my worries is in the fact that she failed to do so.

 

thank you so much for your response. it gave me another point to ponder on.

[Anderlie]

I agree if she's out she can let you know she's home safe (and I do that if my husband is away) but that's not what this is about. You're deflecting, you originally said it was because of her friends and you were worried she'd cheat. You openly say you don't trust her.

 

And yes, if I want to go out and have a big night I do it and I enjoy it. Admittedly it doesn't happen that often now I'm older but honestly I think it's healthy to go out and let off some steam every now and then if that's what you feel you need. I don't cheat, none of my friends cheat and my husband is entirely supportive. Now whether or not your girl will cheat I can't say but I know that if she is the sort to do so it will happen whether or not she goes out or whether or not you give her a hard time about it. In short: nothing you do is going to stop someone from cheating who wants to cheat. But it's moot; you don't trust her so you should break up.

[jef240]

I agree if she's out she can let you know she's home safe (and I do that if my husband is away) but that's not what this is about. You're deflecting, you originally said it was because of her friends and you were worried she'd cheat. You openly say you don't trust her.

 

And yes, if I want to go out and have a big night I do it and I enjoy it. Admittedly it doesn't happen that often now I'm older but honestly I think it's healthy to go out and let off some steam every now and then if that's what you feel you need. I don't cheat, none of my friends cheat and my husband is entirely supportive. Now whether or not your girl will cheat I can't say but I know that if she is the sort to do so it will happen whether or not she goes out or whether or not you give her a hard time about it. In short: nothing you do is going to stop someone from cheating who wants to cheat. But it's moot; you don't trust her so you should break up.

Oh, I see. I get your point. Yes, you are right. I don't trust her enough to be confident about our relationship. There are varying factors in my problem right now. First and foremost are her cheating friends. Second is that she might be influenced by these so called friends of hers and this is where my trust fails. I keep looking for the part where she would try to keep things together, but I guess this isn't the movies. Haha! Just because you don't want to lose a person, doesn't mean that person won't leave you. It's sad but that's life, I guess.

 

Do you think if I try harder then maybe we could work things out? Or am I just being a hopeless romantic?

 

You hit the nail on the head. Nothing I say will change her mind about how she see's things. the more i prolong our argument the worse it gets and in the end, i'm the one who's going to end up making the adjustments just because i don't want to lose her.

 

Recently, I've been making adjustments. and I fear that the more adjustments i make, she goes farther and farther. it's like she's turning into a bottomless pit.

 

Well, in the end, it all boils down to my capability to trust her. but whether I do or do not, she is who she is. this is the part where i don't know what to do. Is it wise the i'm refusing to give up on her?

[d0nnivain]

Do you think if I try harder then maybe we could work things out? Or am I just being a hopeless romantic?

 

Is it wise the i'm refusing to give up on her?

 

Try harder to do what? If it's get money together to go see her, by all means try harder. If it's to try harder to make her see your POV that her friends are cheating scum, that she shouldn't hang out with them & she should sit home every night, telling her all that will drive her away.

 

Love especially LDR is an act of faith so wise isn't always in the equation. It's wise to keep your eyes open but if you can find a way to trust & you know the distance will eventually end, you can keep moving forward.

[jef240]

Try harder to do what? If it's get money together to go see her, by all means try harder. If it's to try harder to make her see your POV that her friends are cheating scum, that she shouldn't hang out with them & she should sit home every night, telling her all that will drive her away.

 

Love especially LDR is an act of faith so wise isn't always in the equation. It's wise to keep your eyes open but if you can find a way to trust & you know the distance will eventually end, you can keep moving forward.

Actually, I gave up trying to make her see my POV. That won't ever happen, she's never going to budge. What I mean by try harder is just, you know. Take a dive and trust her on this. I'm gradually adjusting.

 

So, I guess that's one solution, take a plane to see her. If that's not possible, I guess the best thing to do is just trust her where all relationships are based on.

 

More than anything, I don't want to lose her. I fear losing her more than I hate being lied to. well, due to past relationships. also, I see that it's totally unfair for her that my hatred for lies from my past relationship makes me suspicious of her. I guess I'm whats wrong in this scenario. it's jut that her friends really drive me crazy. but i cant do anything about it.

 

So I guess i'm going to go all in. I'm going to trust her. I just hope she won't prove me wrong. but thinking with the idea that a marriage will cement our relationship wont make it better. I need to sort my self out first.

 

Yes, I'm going to keep my eyes open so that I won't blindly rush to anything. But I need to give her the benefit of the doubt in order to make this work, being suspicious is very detrimental.

 

Thank you so much, d0nnivain! I appreciate you responding to my thread. Its very enlightening

Edited May 18, 2015 by jef240