Want out of 22 yr marriage...but can't do it

[elizabeth2222]

I guess I'm just looking for some suggestions. I've been married for 22 years, with no significant problems in the marriage, except for not wanting sex/intimacy with him. I've done a lot of reading, thinking, journaling, talking to close friends over the past couple of years and have come to believe that I just married someone I didn't have chemistry with - plain and simple. When we were younger and raising kids, I was in denial, wrote it off as me just having low desire, tried to make it better, etc. Day-to-day life was fine, so it just went on and on. After a great deal of thought and reflection, I just can't see my feelings changing. So, I look at my choices as 1) Stay & accept the relationship as it is, or 2) Divorce.

 

I truly believe divorce would be the better option for both of us. He would be devastated at first, but letting him go would give him the opportunity to find someone who truly loves him as a wife should. I have come to realize that I cannot be that person, and it's not fair to him.

 

My problem is that I cannot bring myself to have this conversation. I am a very conflict-avoidant person and am dreading the hurt that I will cause him. It's ridiculous, but I feel like it would be so much easier to make this break if he was a jerk, abusive, alcoholic, mean, distant, good-for-nothing, bad father, anything other than just 'not being into him'.

 

I know I can't let this go on any longer, because I recently 'hit the wall' with all my rationalizing & denial and let the 20+ years of near-celibacy/no intimacy turn into a physical/emotional relationship with someone else.

 

Although I know I need to/want to end the marriage, I simply cannot figure out the words to say to him. I would like to avoid flat-out saying that I'm not attracted to him and probably never really have been. We had a similar conversation a couple years ago & he was truly crushed (as to be expected). Also, even though there is an affair, I don't plan on telling him because it would only hurt him even more and because it is not the reason I'm leaving. The affair happened because I waited too long to end the marriage and I became weak.

 

I know that he's going to be hurt regardless of what I say, but I just want to find the most compassionate way to have this discussion that will be the least damaging to his self-worth and confidence. I would love any suggestions from people who have been in similar situations.

[Clockwork]

That sucks. 22 years is a long time to be together. You must have done SOMETHING right with each other. You have to dig deep and re-hatch your history with each other.

 

 

Your problem just might be the easiest one to fix. You can find ways to be more sexually compatible. He didn't cheat on you, or beat you or gamble your mortgage away. Nothing says he is a poor father and you had multiple children with him. Somewhere along the way you had to have been attracted to him. Find out what that is.

[ShatteredHearts]

I could have written your post word for word, except we've been married 13 years, and will be separated a year in July. Why did you marry him? Were you ever physically attracted to him at all? While I still find my ex attractive, I was never really sexually attracted to him. For the most part I think I married him for comfort and stability. I knew if I wanted a family, he was the guy to marry. For a few years I was content, but when you don't have sexually chemistry with someone, you long for it.

 

I've had people tell me to try and work it out, that good men are hard to find. That I have found to be true! However, I don't feel like i can go back to him knowing in my heart that I'm not in love with him.

 

I know the dynamics of any relationship can and will change. The butterflies leave, and the passion and intensity can fade or change. However, I wiulsnstill think regardless of that, you would still enjoy having sex with your spouse. I never did.

 

My advice to you is to tell him before he finds out about your affair, because chances are he will. My ex is a good man, great father, just an all around good guy. I waited and avoided this for so long that it blew up in my face and I have destroyed him in ways I didn't think possible.

It's going to suck and it's going to hurt, but if you cut ties and end things now it'll be easier in the long run. The sooner you do it, the sooner he can heal and move on.

[elizabeth2222]

Your problem just might be the easiest one to fix. You can find ways to be more sexually compatible. He didn't cheat on you, or beat you or gamble your mortgage away. Nothing says he is a poor father and you had multiple children with him. Somewhere along the way you had to have been attracted to him. Find out what that is.

I wish that were true. I've been dealing with these thoughts for years. If I stayed, on the surface things would be 'fine'...but it would mean living the rest of my life pretending. I honestly don't think I have it in me any more. I didn't go into a lot of detail in my initial post, but I honestly don't think we ever had real physical chemistry. If we have sex more than once a month, that's alot. We will most often go 2-3 or more months without sex. I enjoy his company, but would prefer to hang out/go out with my friends or family if I had a choice. It.just.isn't.there

[jwi71]

I wish that were true. I've been dealing with these thoughts for years. If I stayed, on the surface things would be 'fine'...but it would mean living the rest of my life pretending. I honestly don't think I have it in me any more. I didn't go into a lot of detail in my initial post, but I honestly don't think we ever had real physical chemistry. If we have sex more than once a month, that's alot. We will most often go 2-3 or more months without sex. I enjoy his company, but would prefer to hang out/go out with my friends or family if I had a choice. It.just.isn't.there

 

Then file for D.

 

No use wasting more of the limited time we have in a M...a life really...where you aren't happy with your spouse. Doesn't make him or you bad in any way...just not compatible.

 

It happens.

 

Love him in your way, say goodbye, remember him well and move forward with your life.

 

I would NOT stay in a M where you believe there is no reasonable chance to reconnect. Life is too short and too precious. Live happy. Not wishing to be happy.

[elizabeth2222]

For the most part I think I married him for comfort and stability. I knew if I wanted a family, he was the guy to marry. For a few years I was content, but when you don't have sexually chemistry with someone, you long for it.

 

Thank you, ShatteredHearts. I really appreciate your comments.

 

I, like you, married him because he is a great guy. At that age, right out of college, I truly did not 'get' what it meant to have chemistry and passion. I was also content for a while, then went through years where I felt guilty about avoiding sex, blamed myself, thought it was a phase, thought it was a busy mommy thing, etc. As the kids have been getting older (one graduating this year)...I've spent a lot more time thinking about what we have, what we lack, how I want to live, etc. I did not recognize until the past couple years that I've been making excuses and denying the truth for years.

 

I've had people tell me to try and work it out, that good men are hard to find. That I have found to be true! However, I don't feel like i can go back to him knowing in my heart that I'm not in love with him.

That's exactly how I feel. I know that at my age, I may not end up finding someone who I share that connection with. However, I feel that I would be happier being single than trying to be something I'm not and living with guilt. Right now, I would rather spend time with friends or family, or by myself, over date nights or vacations with my husband. It's just not healthy.

 

I waited and avoided this for so long that it blew up in my face and I have destroyed him in ways I didn't think possible.

It's going to suck and it's going to hurt, but if you cut ties and end things now it'll be easier in the long run. The sooner you do it, the sooner he can heal and move on.

May I ask what blew up on you?

[elizabeth2222]

Then file for D.

Yes I agree, this post wasn't about should I stay or should I go. It's trying to get some advice on how to broach the subject and have the conversation I don't want to have and have been avoiding.

 

I figured there would be some men here who have been through something similar in their former marriages, and might have suggestions on what is best to say. Or women who have been in my position and have experiences to share.

[DKT3]

He may not be as upset as you think. Odd how unfaithful spouses tend to think they own the market in being unhappy in the marriage.

 

I think its common to hide behind fear, you haven't left the marriage because you haven't really wanted to. Now there is a new guy, your husband has served his usefulness and your ready to toss him aside.

 

Just get it over with, it won't get easier. Just do him the favor of leaving and not looking back. Women in your situation tend to hang in limbo as you explore the new relationship.

[elizabeth2222]

Women in your situation tend to hang in limbo as you explore the new relationship.

I understand your point, however the new relationship is not one with a future. He lives in another part of the country and is also married. It is not that I'm trying to see what happens with him before I decide on whether to ask for divorce. As I mentioned, this came about long after I knew I should be done with the marriage, but hadn't had the courage to end it. That is the part I'm still working on.

[DKT3]

I understand your point, however the new relationship is not one with a future. He lives in another part of the country and is also married. It is not that I'm trying to see what happens with him before I decide on whether to ask for divorce. As I mentioned, this came about long after I knew I should be done with the marriage, but hadn't had the courage to end it. That is the part I'm still working on.

 

My wife said the same thing, our issue wasn't sex but she also started an affair when she thought she wanted out of the marriage. Once I found out about the affair and pulled the trigger on the divorce she wanted nothing but to fix the marriage.

 

I say if you really wanted out you would be out.

[ShatteredHearts]

I ended up having an affair, kept it secret, but then he started questioning me and I finally caved and told him. That's when it all blew up. He was and still is devastated. Right before I told him, I had been looking for a place to rent. Like you, I never wanted to be around him. I would pick going out with friends and coworkers before him. A night out with dinner and drinks? Heck yeah..just not with him. And it wasn't fair. The rejection I know he felt was awful, but he stayed bc he thought I'd come around. I was too far gone though.

 

I tried to get the passion back. But really, how can you if it was never there in the first place? I remember our anniversary one year. Went away for the weekend, I bought sexy lingerie, the whole nine yards. I think the most fun I had was going out to eat and shopping. Sad, but true. We had an active sex life, but I could never really get into it. I just didn't desire him at all. I married my best friend, and thought maybe I'd grow to be more physically into him. But I never did.

[I_Give_Up67]

I know that he's going to be hurt regardless of what I say, but I just want to find the most compassionate way to have this discussion that will be the least damaging to his self-worth and confidence. I would love any suggestions from people who have been in similar situations.

 

The most humane and compassionate way to handle this is to just tell him the full truth, as you have laid it out here for us!

 

To do this any other way will likely leave him with crippling self doubt, and questions over why, that he may never be able to move past.

 

You owe him the FULL truth.

[redtail]

You've checked out already with an affair that removes most if not all of your emotions towards the marriage. That will make the news harder for your husband, since it will be difficult to keep that secret.

 

A divorce is eminent, so put on your big girl panties and do the right thing. Of course it won't be easy, but now is the time to choose between what is right not what is easy.

 

The sooner you do this, the sooner you can get on with your life and your husband can also start a new life. It's a disingenuous existence as it is.

[davidromero43]

Don't be weak. You had an affair. That is the worst thing you can do to a man. Don't tell him about it. If he finds out, then he will be just as hurt as if you told him. I don't know why everyone wants to be so f*ckin honest after they cheat.

 

Just tell him it's over. Tell him people change over time. You are both not the same people that got married 20+ years ago. That you hope he knows it as well. And the hardest thing in life is regret. You don't want to look back in five years thinking you wasted time. Time is too valuable to waste. That right now you can separate without hating each other. But in five years you might not be able to do that. Right now you can share visitation and holidays with the children. In five years we might not be on speaking terms. This is what is best for us, and what is best for me.

 

You cheated and have to move this along to protect him from finding out.

Edited May 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ninjainpajamas]

Tell the guy after 22 years, that you never really loved him the way that you should have and that you're sorry that you wasted so many years of his life, but in the end you realized that you were not being honest to yourself and to him and therefore need to move on.

 

It's way too late for you to start being responsible and accountable for your actions...this is more than about love, this is about personal growth and self-acceptance, and if you keep running away from your problems or these kinds of "confrontations" you'll be the cat hiding under the bed your whole life.

 

Don't try to take the easy way out, let the consequences change you.

Edited May 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Ranting~T

[Quiet Storm]

You're not going to be able to do it without hurting him, so just accept that & face it. You took vows to be with him forever. He's held up his end of the deal and been a great man. It would be heartbreaking to find out that the person you promised your life to would rather be alone than with you, especially when you have always treated her well. You never felt chemistry with him, so you have essentially robbed this man of the great years of his life. There's no way you can do this nicely. His pain & the pain of your kids (even if adults, this will hurt them) is the collateral damage on your quest for happiness. That's just the way it is and there's no way around it.

[elizabeth2222]

... is the collateral damage on your quest for happiness.

Quiet Storm, I appreciate your comments & realize that what you said is true, although completely unintentional on my part.

 

About the part I quoted....I'm wondering if this implies that you believe happiness is something I should be sacrificing in order to remain married?

[stillafool]

If you are too coward to tell him to his face how you feel then write it in a letter and give it to him. Make sure you include the part about your affair because it's not fair to your husband not to tell him. He will need to hear about the affair because it will help him to get over you. He deserves that.

[TaraMaiden2]

elizabeth2222

I know it's difficult, but in the long run, to be honest, come clean and admit what has happened, will be better for you than concealing everything, and ultimately finding yourself under scrutiny, whereupon you will begin the 'trickle-truth' account.

He will ask you a question; you will reply to that question.

Then he'll ask you another, and another and another... and you'll respond to each individual question....

And he will want to know the details, but extricating the full truth from you, will be like pulling teeth. And it will take too long for him, and hurt him too much.

 

it would be more respectful on your part to declare the entire story. Yes, do it via letter. But tell him everything without being hurtful; no reproach, no blame-shifting, no reasons or excuses.

 

Tell it like it is.

And tell him you are filing for divorce.

 

Do this right, and do this right, Now.

[elizabeth2222]

elizabeth2222

Yes, do it via letter. But tell him everything without being hurtful; no reproach, no blame-shifting, no reasons or excuses.

I had thought about a letter (have even written a draft), but feel like that would be a kind of 'cop out'. No?

 

There will definitely be no reproach, blame-shifting or excuses. H has done nothing wrong. I don't think I did either until a few months ago.

 

The one thing I do think we share some guilt for is not being more proactive about our marriage (although I won't be using this as any kind of blame with him). We just 'let it be' for so many years. I don't think it would have made it 'better', but at least we wouldn't have let it go on so long. However, as much as I wish we had been able to share more intimacy and fun as a couple, we've done a great job together with our kids and the atmosphere has always been happy and supportive in our home.

[TaraMaiden2]

A letter is only a cop-out if you subsequently refuse to discuss the matter.

Advise him - in the letter - that you're telling him everything in writing, because there will be no interruption, and you won't be in danger of leaving anything out.

Urge him to talk to you - and in writing, tell him the great qualities of the marriage you've totally appreciated.

 

My ex pulled a few mean flankers with me, and got into a stubborn strop, but he was - and is - a great dad to our kids, and i won't let anyone say otherwise.

[harrybrown]

If he wants the D and had an affair, would you want to know?

 

That he was so unhappy for the 22 years?

 

I do like writing him the letter with the entire truth. Tell him all the A and the OM.

 

At least be honest with him, he at least acted like the father of your children, even though now he will wonder if he is their father.

 

I hope you used protection so that you would not give the father of your children another gift of stds. But give him the honesty that he deserves.

 

Then try to work thru the D if possible without too many bombs blowing up.

[Quiet Storm]

Quiet Storm, I appreciate your comments & realize that what you said is true, although completely unintentional on my part.

 

About the part I quoted....I'm wondering if this implies that you believe happiness is something I should be sacrificing in order to remain married?

 

 

I don't think you should remain married because it is not fair to your husband, but I feel that happiness comes from within. You admit you are conflict avoidant, so I suspect you have some issues going on that are not related to the marriage. Conflict avoidant people don't just avoid hard conversations, they also avoid admitting difficult truths to themselves.

 

You may not have intended to hurt your family, but when our individual issues lead us to make selfish choices, people get hurt. Intentional or not.

 

I'm not suggesting you stay in the marriage, but what I am saying is that this is going to hurt your husband & family, there is no way around it.

[beach]

Have you ever considered he may be unhappy the past 22 years as well? Have you ever considered that allowing him to be free from this commitment of mediocrity may very well make him a very happy and free man?

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess I'm just looking for some suggestions. I've been married for 22 years, with no significant problems in the marriage, except for not wanting sex/intimacy with him. I've done a lot of reading, thinking, journaling, talking to close friends over the past couple of years and have come to believe that I just married someone I didn't have chemistry with - plain and simple. When we were younger and raising kids, I was in denial, wrote it off as me just having low desire, tried to make it better, etc. Day-to-day life was fine, so it just went on and on. After a great deal of thought and reflection, I just can't see my feelings changing. So, I look at my choices as 1) Stay & accept the relationship as it is, or 2) Divorce.

 

I truly believe divorce would be the better option for both of us. He would be devastated at first, but letting him go would give him the opportunity to find someone who truly loves him as a wife should. I have come to realize that I cannot be that person, and it's not fair to him.

 

My problem is that I cannot bring myself to have this conversation. I am a very conflict-avoidant person and am dreading the hurt that I will cause him. It's ridiculous, but I feel like it would be so much easier to make this break if he was a jerk, abusive, alcoholic, mean, distant, good-for-nothing, bad father, anything other than just 'not being into him'.

 

I know I can't let this go on any longer, because I recently 'hit the wall' with all my rationalizing & denial and let the 20+ years of near-celibacy/no intimacy turn into a physical/emotional relationship with someone else.

 

Although I know I need to/want to end the marriage, I simply cannot figure out the words to say to him. I would like to avoid flat-out saying that I'm not attracted to him and probably never really have been. We had a similar conversation a couple years ago & he was truly crushed (as to be expected). Also, even though there is an affair, I don't plan on telling him because it would only hurt him even more and because it is not the reason I'm leaving. The affair happened because I waited too long to end the marriage and I became weak.

 

I know that he's going to be hurt regardless of what I say, but I just want to find the most compassionate way to have this discussion that will be the least damaging to his self-worth and confidence. I would love any suggestions from people who have been in similar situations.

 

What a Catch 22 you've set up - for him.

 

If I infer from your post he's a good guy, you couldn't be screwing him over any more effectively if you tried. Afraid of hurting him? While you sleep with someone else and make secret plans to move out? I'd hate to see what would happen if he really was an abusive jerk.

 

I'll also add this concern for his feelings, after subjecting him to 20 years of near celibacy, is a little late.

 

Be a grown up and level with him. Let him make the same informed choices you are, it's the least you can do. Guess the song is true, you do always hurt the one you (supposedly) love...

 

Mr. Lucky