Want out of 22 yr marriage...but can't do it

[Cephalopod]

You loved him once. You have just rewritten history to suit your present mindset. You are only fooling yourself.

[Babs22]

no, no and no. OP -- do NOT do this, this is incredibly cruel and there is no reason you should devastate your husband like this... none at all.

 

tell him that you aren't happy anymore & that you want out, do NOT tell him that you've never loved him or all the real reasons you've married him or about the affair -- that is your burden and those are your choices, no need to "pass" that on to someone else. keep all of that for yourself.

 

QUOTE=Ninjainpajamas;6322433

It's way too late for you to start being responsible and accountable for your actions...this is more than about love, this is about personal growth and self-acceptance, blablabla...

 

it's never too late to start being responsible. also -- she doesn't need to be cruel & devastate her H even more with unnecessary details in order to grow as a person. she can do all of that while leaving the poor man alone & sparing him the irrelevant mess.

 

asking for a divorce isn't taking the easy way out, sparing someone cruel details is NOT taking the easy way out. "relieving" your conscience and letting it all out so YOU can feel better? that, buddy, IS taking the easy way out. like it's not enough that she's about to dump the dude & ruin his world, your advice is that she should let it aaaaaaall out and devastate him even more by telling him that his entire life was basically a lie so she can... i guess, grow as a person? i'm amazed you thought that actually made sense, buddy.

 

she's already dealing with the consequences of wasting 22 years of her life in a passionless & loveless marriage - 22 years she'll never get back, that itself is a huge tragedy and enough to spark a change.

 

OP - tell your H only the neccessary, NO cruel details, NO admitting the affair, NO admitting that you've never loved him, NO admitting why you married him. NONE. OF. THAT. you have children with this man, you need to mantain a good & civil relationship for their sake. you probably have family & common friends... you do NOT want to look like a Satan in his eyes & you will by admitting everything just so you could feel better. again -- you don't need to devastate everyone around you in order to learn & grow as a person. so be smart about this & careful.

 

I agree with minimariah's post. Telling him EVERYTHING is not what is needed. She just needs to say how she feels now. Totally breaking the man is not necessary and will not help him or her in the long run.

 

Stillafool - you comment that she used her H for 22 years. If you re-read her posts that is not the case at all. I have been married for 20 years and sometimes it takes a long time for someone to recognize things. She did not go into this marriage to use someone. She felt they had a good relationship, and they got married. She did not go into the M with deception in mind. She thought they were a good match, but couldn't recognize that something was missing. People make mistakes. It sounds like she has spent a good part of her marriage trying to analyze, trying to fix, blaming herself for her lack of wanting intimacy with her H. As she came to her realization, she did try to talk to her H about it at least once. In her initial post she even talked about having a conversation with her H a few years ago (prior to her A) Elizabeth2222 wrote "I would like to avoid flat-out saying that I'm not attracted to him and probably never really have been. We had a similar conversation a couple years ago & he was truly crushed (as to be expected)." She told him she did not have those feelings for him, so he is aware of her feelings. But obviously neither one of them did anything to change the situation.

 

In her first post, Elizabeth2222 wrote......"I guess I'm just looking for some suggestions. I've been married for 22 years, with no significant problems in the marriage, except for not wanting sex/intimacy with him. I've done a lot of reading, thinking, journaling, talking to close friends over the past couple of years and have come to believe that I just married someone I didn't have chemistry with - plain and simple. When we were younger and raising kids, I was in denial, wrote it off as me just having low desire, tried to make it better, etc. Day-to-day life was fine, so it just went on and on. After a great deal of thought and reflection, I just can't see my feelings changing."

 

Elizabeth2222 did not marry her H knowing that she did not have the type of feelings she should have for her H, and marrying him anyway. Hindsight is always 20/20. She felt that the lack of desire or attraction was her own fault. I know for a fact that while you are raising kids, it is easy to push that fact to the side and not deal with it. I also am a conflict avoider. I had many issues that I never dealt with in my M. I can see now what a bad idea that is. I can now say, I probably shouldn't have married my H. I didn't do it to "use" him. I married him because I thought I loved him. I still believe that I did, but years of not dealing with issues builds resentments. I question if my H ever loved me. I had that question when I married him. I should have recognized that would be a problem. I didn't. Even if someone had told me not to marry him, I am not sure I would have listened.

 

People make mistakes. With no intention to hurt anyone, Elizabeth2222 made a mistake. She has never blamed her husband, she takes full responsibility. She did not "use" him. She now recognizes that she wants to move on and just wants to know the most compassionate way to have that discussion with her H. Elizabeth2222....."I know that he's going to be hurt regardless of what I say, but I just want to find the most compassionate way to have this discussion that will be the least damaging to his self-worth and confidence. I would love any suggestions from people who have been in similar situations."

[readynow]

Nextsteps has a post going where she feels the way Elizabeth2222 did 20yrs ago and she's about to marry the guy. Her fiancé knows she's feeling this way and still wants her to marry him. This is far from using him.

 

I can imagine when OP was engaged to the man, she thought she was doing the right thing. Now, the kids are grown and she's unhappy. Every one deserves to be happy. She should start by telling him she's not happy anymore and doesn't think things will change. No mention of the affair. She should take the band-aid off slowly and gently.

Edited May 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

I agree with minimariah's post. Telling him EVERYTHING is not what is needed. She just needs to say how she feels now. Totally breaking the man is not necessary and will not help him or her in the long run. w

 

Actually, telling him everything is exactly what's needed, if for no other reason than to spare him the uncertainty over her feelings. Hate to see him waste another 5 years hoping she comes back.

 

The OP does indeed seem done with her M, this isn't a "fake it til you make it" situation. Her spouse deserves a level playing field so he can make his own informed decisions, just like her.

 

At this point, the truth is all she owes him. OP, don't add insult to injury...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anna121]

While I don't agree with stating it cruelly, I do think that OP telling her husband the truth will eventually make it easier for him to detach. If she doesn't, he might try harder to get her to stay, and beat himself up if she doesn't.

[lemoncello]

Tell your husband the truth OP. Leave nothing out. After 22 years of marriage to each other, that's the least you can do for him. Anything less than the truth is unfair to your husband and cruel.

[Popsicle]

Okay, I may have missed it somewhere by why can't you work on getting the intimacy and passion back in your marriage? It might not be as hard now that the kids are older and one is (maybe?) leaving the house. Maybe he is longing for it as well. Afterall, you did say it's been 20 years that it's been gone. I'm sure he would enjoy it as well.

[stillafool]

Okay, I may have missed it somewhere by why can't you work on getting the intimacy and passion back in your marriage? It might not be as hard now that the kids are older and one is (maybe?) leaving the house. Maybe he is longing for it as well. Afterall, you did say it's been 20 years that it's been gone. I'm sure he would enjoy it as well.

 

They never had any she admits she has never loved him.

[elizabeth2222]

They never had any she admits she has never loved him.

Yes, in the sense of an intimate, physical attraction and connection...I have always loved him in other ways...

[elizabeth2222]

Well, there are definitely two camps here about whether the A should be revealed. I have two reasons for not telling him...1) The A is absolutely NOT the reason for the D..but I'm sure it would be the thing that was latched onto, 2) The added pain it would cause. However, I did get some good insight from some of the commenters that he may be able to move on easier if he 'saw me in that light'. While I am not planning on bringing up the A when I ask for the D, I guess it's something to consider telling him IF he if having a hard time letting go.

[elizabeth2222]

Stillafool - you comment that she used her H for 22 years. If you re-read her posts that is not the case at all. I have been married for 20 years and sometimes it takes a long time for someone to recognize things. She did not go into this marriage to use someone. She felt they had a good relationship, and they got married. She did not go into the M with deception in mind. She thought they were a good match, but couldn't recognize that something was missing. People make mistakes. It sounds like she has spent a good part of her marriage trying to analyze, trying to fix, blaming herself for her lack of wanting intimacy with her H. As she came to her realization, she did try to talk to her H about it at least once. In her initial post she even talked about having a conversation with her H a few years ago (prior to her A) Elizabeth2222 wrote "I would like to avoid flat-out saying that I'm not attracted to him and probably never really have been. We had a similar conversation a couple years ago & he was truly crushed (as to be expected)." She told him she did not have those feelings for him, so he is aware of her feelings. But obviously neither one of them did anything to change the situation.

 

In her first post, Elizabeth2222 wrote......"I guess I'm just looking for some suggestions. I've been married for 22 years, with no significant problems in the marriage, except for not wanting sex/intimacy with him. I've done a lot of reading, thinking, journaling, talking to close friends over the past couple of years and have come to believe that I just married someone I didn't have chemistry with - plain and simple. When we were younger and raising kids, I was in denial, wrote it off as me just having low desire, tried to make it better, etc. Day-to-day life was fine, so it just went on and on. After a great deal of thought and reflection, I just can't see my feelings changing."

 

Elizabeth2222 did not marry her H knowing that she did not have the type of feelings she should have for her H, and marrying him anyway. Hindsight is always 20/20. She felt that the lack of desire or attraction was her own fault. I know for a fact that while you are raising kids, it is easy to push that fact to the side and not deal with it. I also am a conflict avoider. I had many issues that I never dealt with in my M. I can see now what a bad idea that is. I can now say, I probably shouldn't have married my H. I didn't do it to "use" him. I married him because I thought I loved him. I still believe that I did, but years of not dealing with issues builds resentments. I question if my H ever loved me. I had that question when I married him. I should have recognized that would be a problem. I didn't. Even if someone had told me not to marry him, I am not sure I would have listened.

 

People make mistakes. With no intention to hurt anyone, Elizabeth2222 made a mistake. She has never blamed her husband, she takes full responsibility. She did not "use" him. She now recognizes that she wants to move on and just wants to know the most compassionate way to have that discussion with her H. Elizabeth2222....."I know that he's going to be hurt regardless of what I say, but I just want to find the most compassionate way to have this discussion that will be the least damaging to his self-worth and confidence. I would love any suggestions from people who have been in similar situations."

 

babs22, I appreciate your comments, as you do completely understand what my issues are and how it took me so long to fully realize the nature of them. I'm sorry you have having your own issues. Are you thinking you will end up divorcing as well?

[DKT3]

Well, there are definitely two camps here about whether the A should be revealed. I have two reasons for not telling him...1) The A is absolutely NOT the reason for the D..but I'm sure it would be the thing that was latched onto, 2) The added pain it would cause. However, I did get some good insight from some of the commenters that he may be able to move on easier if he 'saw me in that light'. While I am not planning on bringing up the A when I ask for the D, I guess it's something to consider telling him IF he if having a hard time letting go.

 

 

If your being honest with yourself you would admit his pain isn't really that high on you radar, if it were you would have never got involved with another man totally behind his back.

 

This is a common excuse, a few months ago I had a very long talk with a MW in your situation. After some time she finally fessed up and said her real fear in confessing her affair had very little if anything to do with her husbands pain, since she was causing him a great deal of pain with the limbo she put him through. Her fears were 1) changing the way he viewed her. She didn't want him as a lover or husband but she had this idea that they would remain close and he would continue to be her rock and go to guy. 2) she feared he would tell others including their children. 3) she felt that he would be, well less nice then he currently was.

 

Those are the true fears that women in your situation have. Secondly it really kinda leaves that door slightly open.

 

Lastly, their is no way for you to say your affair doesn't play a major role in this. Why? Because your leaving NOW that you are involved while you stayed the 21 or so years before.

 

Just start being honest with yourself, and your husband. That means facing the fallout for decisions you've made. Its called being an adult.

[CarrieT]

I have two reasons for not telling him...1) The A is absolutely NOT the reason for the D..but I'm sure it would be the thing that was latched onto

I believe this is Affair Fog talking.

 

Those of us that have been around here a long time have seen this logic OVER AND OVER:

 

"The Affair didn't cause the divorce..." or "We were moving apart emotionally long before the AP came into the picture..."

 

It is a line that just doesn't ring true, I'm afraid. You would have probably stayed out of complacency and not seen how unhappy you were in the marriage without the Affair bringing to light. In that regard, the Affair is a trigger for the Divorce.

[elizabeth2222]

You would have probably stayed out of complacency and not seen how unhappy you were in the marriage without the Affair bringing to light. In that regard, the Affair is a trigger for the Divorce.

When you put it this way, I definitely see what you're saying and there be some truth here. I had been actively considering whether to stay or go long before the A, but it was a pretty clear signal to me that I couldn't be completely in love with hubby if I have such a strong urge to stray.

[DKT3]

Well, there are definitely two camps here about whether the A should be revealed. I have two reasons for not telling him...1) The A is absolutely NOT the reason for the D..but I'm sure it would be the thing that was latched onto, 2) The added pain it would cause. However, I did get some good insight from some of the commenters that he may be able to move on easier if he 'saw me in that light'. While I am not planning on bringing up the A when I ask for the D, I guess it's something to consider telling him IF he if having a hard time letting go.

 

When you put it this way, I definitely see what you're saying and there be some truth here. I had been actively considering whether to stay or go long before the A, but it was a pretty clear signal to me that I couldn't be completely in love with hubby if I have such a strong urge to stray.

 

Your affair isn't about your husband, its about you. This is just another way of you saying "hey this isn't my fault"

 

You urge to stray is 100% on you. Own it.

[elizabeth2222]

Your affair isn't about your husband, its about you. This is just another way of you saying "hey this isn't my fault". You urge to stray is 100% on you. Own it.

Not saying it's about him or in ANY way his fault. I was just talking about this process I've been going through to understand how I feel. I do own it 100%.

[CarrieT]

Elizabeth, so often people who have had affairs and decide to divorce without telling the spouse. The result is the spouse ends up here trying to figure out what THEY did wrong...

 

Then, several weeks or months later, they discover their Ex-spouse's infidelity and the destruction of the marriage all makes sense!

 

This is why we promote being honest with your husband. You can go through all the processes, analysis, and introspective thinking you want, but for the man you have been married to for so long, give him the benefit of ALL THE INFORMATION that has brought you to this place - including the affair.

 

It is cruel not to divulge and leave them wondering if there was anything they could have done to "fix things" when it was out of their hands on many levels.

[bebe23]

I recall about 10 years ago going on a girl's trip to Mexico and thinking to myself before I went that I'd better be careful, that I could see myself drinking too much & finding myself wanting to stray. That's the first memory I really have of being aware of this type of feeling. I also had a really weird, brief infatuation with my brother in law...probably around that same timeframe. Nothing happened, but I definitely had thoughts. Since then, these kind of feelings became more common, although not constant....brief crushes, or just noticing men I found attractive here and there. Nothing ever happened, though, until I met AP a few months ago. It's interesting to note that, at that time, all I could think about was just really getting into kissing someone madly and deeply. I wanted those butterflies and the thrill...it wasn't even about sex. It felt like a craving that I couldn't fight. I certainly understand that people call it an addiction.

 

 

I can identify with the bolded, too. I have had feelings like this and felt awful about it. The difference though, is that I really was into and had chemistry with my husband when we dated and married.

 

 

The things that had caused my 'grass is greener' feelings was my H's emotional neglect of me during the years he changed his career and built his own business. His workaholism, busyness, and irritable grumpy moods was KILLING my attraction to him. I had to finally- gently- tell him this. He was hurt of course- after all he's trying to be the breadwinner to support his family- but he did seek a little counseling from the VA because some of his issues were the result of being in the military service and deployed. Since then- this was about 2 years ago- I have been working on seeing all the positives in him and accepting the negatives.

 

 

The crushes on other men have recently gone away. (These crushes were rarely in real life- I had ONLINE crushes on strangers. I can think of only one time I had a minor crush on a real life acquaintance, it was my daughter's assistant gymnastics coach, and it was very minor. He was the kind of guy ALL the moms seemed to have a minor crush on, lol.)

 

 

But anyway, now, when I start pulling away sexually, he is able to KNOW the reason- because weeks have gone by without an emotional connection.

 

 

But your case is different. You said you never, ever felt attracted to him or felt chemistry? What about when you were dating? Never a fleeting feeling of 'he's cute' or enjoying your first kiss? I know it's been many many years, but there must have been something that made you at least date him. I also dated men I wasn't into when I was a naïve and shy college girl, but they ended up being friends, not boyfriends or a husband!

Edited May 18, 2015 by bebe23

[miseenscene]

You loved him once. You have just rewritten history to suit your present mindset. You are only fooling yourself.

 

It's amazing. Why do people assume that they know better how someone, especially someone who is clearly self-reflexive, and has given a lot of thought to the situation, truly feels?

 

OP: "I realized I never loved him in that way."

Commenter who doesn't know OP from Adam: "Yes you did."

 

Projection, I guess, is the answer to my own question.

 

OP: I am in the don't tell him about the affair camp. I understand exactly what you mean -- that the affair may have been the trigger for you coming out of denial regarding your marriage, but you are not leaving the marriage because of the affair in the sense that people generally understand that, meaning you are not leaving FOR your affair partner.

 

I can see the perspective of "telling him will make it easier for him to detach" but I don't buy it. People don't always work like that. Maybe that would kick his competitiveness into gear. Maybe he would assume what some in this thread have assumed -- that you are in an affair fog and rewriting history, and if he could just win you back from the affair, you would regain your "true" feelings about the marriage and him. Or maybe that disclosure will front-load the separation for him with anger, rather than sadness -- but he will still have to feel all his feelings at some point. If you wanted to reconcile, I would advocate telling him, as I believe there can be no true intimacy or reconciliation without full honesty, but the marriage is done -- why hurt him more? You can reinforce for him that there was nothing he could have done because people just grow apart sometimes as much as necessary.

[misty12]

It's amazing. Why do people assume that they know better how someone, especially someone who is clearly self-reflexive, and has given a lot of thought to the situation, truly feels?

 

OP: "I realized I never loved him in that way."

Commenter who doesn't know OP from Adam: "Yes you did."

 

Projection, I guess, is the answer to my own question.

 

OP: I am in the don't tell him about the affair camp. I understand exactly what you mean -- that the affair may have been the trigger for you coming out of denial regarding your marriage, but you are not leaving the marriage because of the affair in the sense that people generally understand that, meaning you are not leaving FOR your affair partner.

 

I can see the perspective of "telling him will make it easier for him to detach" but I don't buy it. People don't always work like that. Maybe that would kick his competitiveness into gear. Maybe he would assume what some in this thread have assumed -- that you are in an affair fog and rewriting history, and if he could just win you back from the affair, you would regain your "true" feelings about the marriage and him. Or maybe that disclosure will front-load the separation for him with anger, rather than sadness -- but he will still have to feel all his feelings at some point. If you wanted to reconcile, I would advocate telling him, as I believe there can be no true intimacy or reconciliation without full honesty, but the marriage is done -- why hurt him more? You can reinforce for him that there was nothing he could have done because people just grow apart sometimes as much as necessary.

 

the bolded parts are exactly how my H handled knowledge of my A. He actually desired me MORE. It also caused an oversimplification in his mind of our marital issues, in that the only issue is that i was seduced by other men and this is something easily fixable.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have always loved him in other ways...

 

If I told you I had a "friend" that was cheating on her husband, making secret plans to move out and planned to leave her "good" husband in the dark as to what was really happening - would you guess she loved him in any way?

 

You don't get credit for feelings, we affect those around us by our actions.

 

Start by being honest with yourself about what you're doing. That's the first step to being truthful with others...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elizabeth2222]

the bolded parts are exactly how my H handled knowledge of my A. He actually desired me MORE. It also caused an oversimplification in his mind of our marital issues, in that the only issue is that i was seduced by other men and this is something easily fixable.

 

Yes, 'oversimplification' is a great word for why I don't want to bring up the A when I ask for D. This current A in no way explains me feeling 10 years ago that I was in danger of cheating on a girl's trip. It doesn't explain me never really being able to engage emotionally in sex with H (i.e. turning off lights, keeping eyes closed, no talking wanted, always preferring quickies over extended love-making). This AP may have helped me sort through existing issues, but it honestly has not 'caused' any of these issues. I have no illusions of being with this person in real life. Other posters can tell me they think this is ALL about the cheating, but I know that is not true in my specific case.

[elizabeth2222]

If I told you I had a "friend" that was cheating on her husband, making secret plans to move out and planned to leave her "good" husband in the dark as to what was really happening - would you guess she loved him in any way?

 

So, it's either all-encompassing sexual love or no love at all? I know that I've made some bad decisions in the past few months, but that does not negate over 20 years of our lives together.

[elizabeth2222]

I can think of only one time I had a minor crush on a real life acquaintance, it was my daughter's assistant gymnastics coach, and it was very minor. He was the kind of guy ALL the moms seemed to have a minor crush on, lol.)

Oh man, one of mine was my son's lacrosse coach...same kind of guy. Kinda funny!

[twosadthings]

I can't see how any of your thought processes can be considered as funny. Nothing you have presented is in any way redeemable to describe your intentions.

 

 

Twenty-two years in a fraud of a marriage, lies and betrayal, hoping for a soft landing for yourself knowing the hurt you'll cause your husband and children. I agree with a previous poster you're looking to come out of this mess you made with as little spit on you as possible.

 

 

Shakespeare was right, "The truth will out" and your husband and children will hold you accountable for your actions.

 

 

Just sayin',

 

 

Twosadthings