Want out of 22 yr marriage...but can't do it

[Babs22]

babs22, I appreciate your comments, as you do completely understand what my issues are and how it took me so long to fully realize the nature of them. I'm sorry you have having your own issues. Are you thinking you will end up divorcing as well?

 

Elizabeth, Yes, I totally get where you are coming from. Most likely my M will end in divorce, however a year ago our youngest son started having major mental health issues. He was diagnosed Bipolar, major depressive and also was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. This year has been tough. All my energy goes to trying to help him, dealing with his school issues, doctor's appointments, hoping he can somehow graduate next year. I feel like we both need to be here in close proximity for now. Our son is desperate to know his dad loves him. If H leaves, I'm afraid he will spend very little time with our son. H doesn't understand the depression or bipolar of fibro, so he has a hard time dealing with it. I know H, he will avoid, avoid, avoid if he can because it is so stressful and sometimes uncomfortable dealing with my son. Our son keeps asking me if his dad loves him, breaks my heart. Anyway, If H moves out now, I am afraid they will never have a relationship. So we are kind of stuck in limbo and it could stay that way for awhile. I sometimes wonder if H will get fed up dealing with son and leave but he hasn't yet. He has mentioned it though.

[Popsicle]

Elizabeth, just remeber that even if you had NO A, people will be very upset that you are divorcing and breaking up a long term marriage and family (especially if the other spouse didn't want D). Very upset.

 

My point being that people will be foaming at the mouth and booing and hissing no matter what you do, including you own family members. This is just something you have to realize/accept and press on if you really think D is right for you. In time, things will get better.

[William]

From this point forward I would like to remind everyone that the topic of this thread is helping someone to have the difficult discussion of divorce with her husband, not speculating on how she came to that decision or the well reviewed ethical ramifications of infidelity. Let's please keep our replies on this topic and based on the information offered by the OP. ~Thank you

Edited May 20, 2015 by William

[No Limit]

There were issues in the past which ultimately just wore everyone down. You may not know when everything will crash down but it will end. And ending it now as long as your H is unaware of your affair would still be the best option; how would your son take it if he knew about the affair as well? He'd blame you for his father leaving and at that point things will turn very ugly.

Edited June 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elizabeth2222]

Although I know I need to/want to end the marriage, I simply cannot figure out the words to say to him. I would like to avoid flat-out saying that I'm not attracted to him and probably never really have been. We had a similar conversation a couple years ago & he was truly crushed (as to be expected).

 

I know that he's going to be hurt regardless of what I say, but I just want to find the most compassionate way to have this discussion that will be the least damaging to his self-worth and confidence. I would love any suggestions from people who have been in similar situations.

Hello again! I'm still in my limbo-land of trying to figure out how to move forward. I can't remember if I mentioned in any of my posts, but we just had a daughter graduate from high school and I am giving myself the summer to continue to think and make a plan. I really don't want to break up the family during her last summer at home. I know it will never be easy, but I just can't do that to her.

 

Anyway, I just had an 'a-ha' moment and wanted to share it. Pretty much every day, I've been reading articles, books and forums about relationships in an effort to get a better insight into my path forward. I have been quite literally 'stuck' on how to explain what I've been feeling to him. I said in my original post (paraphrasing), 'I don't want say that I'm just not attracted to him and probably never was...it will really crush him'. I was looking for a way to convey my feelings without saying those words that I felt would do additional damage to his self-esteem. I just read an article that kind of 'flipped a switch' for me. What I realized is that the words I used in the past with my husband and in my own mind about my feelings for him were not the most accurate words I could be using.

 

I just realized that the word I've mostly been using - 'attraction' - really can easily be interpreted as a physical appearance issue. In reality, that is not the issue. He's quite a nice-looking guy. I know in my heart that even if he turned into the most buff and ripped 48-year old on the planet, I still would not feel what I need to feel for a spouse. It's not a physical issue at all.

 

I believe that if I substitute the words 'connection', 'intimacy' or 'passion' instead of 'attraction', I can frame the discussion better. It's not that I don't think he's good-looking, or 'attractive', it's that we're lacking romantic chemistry. I know this may sound like a matter of semantics to many, but for me, it's given me a completely different perspective on how to best convey my feelings, and also helps remove a huge barrier for me about having the conversation.

 

I know it will still be immensely difficult, but at least I feel like I can explain it to him in a way that I hope will not do as much damage to his self-worth and ego - and it's an even better representation of my true feelings as well. When we had these discussions a few years ago, I could really see how inadequate it made him feel and thought if he lost weight and got in great shape, it would help. I've been simply DREADING going back to that place with him. I think by re-framing the issue in this way, I can at least try to make him understand that it's nothing he could or should change...it's just a dynamic between the two of us that is missing.

[being the best me]

Did/Do you and your husband have common interests?

 

Did/Do you same or different hobbies?

 

Did/Do you have the same goals?

 

Did/Do you prioritize children over each other?

 

Are one of you more dominant than the other?

 

Just curious, cause if you, him, both don't have the above than their really wasn't a relationship in the first place.

[Cephalopod]

I feel sorry for any guy who's wife was never really into him, just settled for him, and married him anyway because he was convenient, or the best she thought she could do at the time.

 

My ex-wife did that to me. It's a horrible feeling when a guy finds that out. Something a man never gets over.

[elizabeth2222]

I feel sorry for any guy who's wife was never really into him, just settled for him, and married him anyway because he was convenient, or the best she thought she could do at the time.

 

My ex-wife did that to me. It's a horrible feeling when a guy finds that out. Something a man never gets over.

Believe me, it doesn't feel good to be in this position. None of it was done intentionally. I think I didn't know any better, thought it was a great decision at the time.

 

I'm sorry that happened to you, Cephalopod. Looking back, is there anything she could have said that would have made the break easier for you?

[Babs22]

I feel sorry for any guy who's wife was never really into him, just settled for him, and married him anyway because he was convenient, or the best she thought she could do at the time.

 

My ex-wife did that to me. It's a horrible feeling when a guy finds that out. Something a man never gets over.

 

Cephalopod, my situation is very much like Elizabeth2222. I have been married 20 years and am in similar circumstances. The thing is neither of us felt like we were settling. I did not marry my husband because it was convenient and I didn't think he was just "the best I could do". I thought I was in love with my H. I remember wanting to know if he loved me. I always wondered. He could not tell me that. I lived with my H 8 years prior to marriage. We got along well, sex was ok, we never faught and enjoyed each other's company. Seemed like someone you would marry.

 

I don't remember having that infatuation stage or the butterfly stage and I didn't think it was necessary. I thought maybe that was something you only felt as a teenager. That infatuation thing wasn't real love so I didn't think it was important. But now I realize that you should initially have that much attraction to the person you marry, we should have had more in common and the not fighting was because I was willing to accept everything. Raising kids brings a whole new dynamic. We really weren't that compatible and couldn't resolve conflict. Never hearing the words "I love you" coupled with not being able to resolve differences is a bad combination. But I never went into my marriage to "use" somebody and I never thought I had "settled". I went in thinking that we had what it takes to make it, but in the end, that just wasn't enough.

[minimariah]

I did not marry my husband because it was convenient and I didn't think he was just "the best I could do". I thought I was in love with my H.

 

oh, but you did - you basically described that in the 2nd part of your post (for example -- thinking that butterflies are only for the teens. so you KNEW butterflies existed, you just didn't think it will happen to YOU = so you settled because you didn't think you'll get something better than your butterfliesless relationship).

 

settlers know very well when they're settling - they just refuse to admit it because it's easier to blame their poor choices on destiny & life & "didn't know any better" than it is to fully take all the responsibility. settlers also usually come from homes with poor relationship & marriage models so they aren't able to recognize what ISN'T passionate & romantic relationship + they usually marry super young for the 1st or the 2nd guy they had sex with.

 

the point is -- we all know what we're doing, very well. intentions don't really matter because i'm sure settlers don't go f@cking up someone else's life on purpose... but they KNOW they're settling at that moment. now, whether they wan't to admit it to themselves or not...? that's entirely different story.

 

that being said... OP, once again -- don't tell him that you never loved him. that truth won't set him free, it will only ruin him even more. it's not easy living with the fact that someone screwed you over and stole you YEARS of life just because they weren't capable of knowing the difference between familial and romantic love.

 

if you do tell him -- he can also refuse to believe you... let's face it, it's pretty incredible knowing that folks are ready to waste years & f@ck someone they were never attracted to day after day after month after year... that "confession" can't end well for you. he will either think it's an excuse OR he'll think you're a straightup nutjob. much easier to get over someone when you know they loved you AT SOME point in the past.

Edited June 3, 2015 by minimariah

[Arieswoman]

This is a very astute observation from Carrie T post #63,

 

I believe this is Affair Fog talking.

 

Those of us that have been around here a long time have seen this logic OVER AND OVER:

 

"The Affair didn't cause the divorce..." or "We were moving apart emotionally long before the AP came into the picture..."

 

I don't really think that anyone can help you here because you are already, IMO, starting to re-write history.

 

I just hope that whatever you do, you will, for once, put your husband's feelings before your own.

[RoseVille]

I've really begun to have a better understanding of what was lacking in our relationship. Although I have never been very 'into' having sex with H, it's not that it's been 'bad' sex when it happens. What I have noticed is that I don't really make eye contact during sex, don't want him to talk, don't want to experiment with new things, always want it dark & am more uncomfortable in the light of day.....and I realize now that it's not that I'm a 'prude', but it's because I'm not physically/emotionally connected to him. Those things make it easier to not 'feel' the disconnection. Now that I've put all this together, it's starting to become more and more difficult for me to act as 'normal'.

 

You sound EXACTLY like my MM's wife. And it was the lost/missing connection that made him go look for it outside the marriage.

 

It's very possible your H has too.

[DKT3]

This is a very astute observation from Carrie T post #63,

 

 

 

I don't really think that anyone can help you here because you are already, IMO, starting to re-write history.

 

I just hope that whatever you do, you will, for once, put your husband's feelings before your own.

 

Putting the husbands feelings first would mean accepting that they won't leave the marriage as "THE GOOD GUY". That is the real reason behind the "never in love dance". Putting the husband first would mean the kids and family and friends would know what they've been up to with these other men. So they rewrite and invent these issue that most of us have seen here over and over and over again. The advantage we have is that we've seen women come out on the other side, we've heard them ask "WTF was I thinking" as the for broke. The thing is they really believe what they are saying, they don't see or understand how twisted their minds are right now, there is nothing anyone can say to snap them out. Only time will, only the pain of finding they risked and lost it all for a man that isn't who they believed him to be. Yes there is a small chance its true they feel this way..but not likely.

[stillafool]

I feel sorry for any guy who's wife was never really into him, just settled for him, and married him anyway because he was convenient, or the best she thought she could do at the time.

 

My ex-wife did that to me. It's a horrible feeling when a guy finds that out. Something a man never gets over.

 

Women never get over it either. This happens to both genders not just men.

[harrybrown]

At least be honest and tell him about all of your "friends".

[Mr. Lucky]

Believe me, it doesn't feel good to be in this position. None of it was done intentionally. I think I didn't know any better, thought it was a great decision at the time.

 

Many have offered empathetic feedback for your situation, I'm sure it's difficult for both you and your H.

 

Don't confuse that with the disapproval of the extramarital steps you've taken on your own - and IMHO at your H's expense - to improve your lot in life.

 

To me, you're doing the one thing nearly guaranteed to make a bad situation worse...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elizabeth2222]

This is a very astute observation from Carrie T post #63,

 

I don't really think that anyone can help you here because you are already, IMO, starting to re-write history.

 

I just hope that whatever you do, you will, for once, put your husband's feelings before your own.

 

I'm not saying that this doesn't happen...maybe alot, given what I've seen on LS; however...in my case, it's just plain not true. The first time I EVER touched another man was last fall. 3-4 years ago, there was IC, MC, tearful discussions with my parents & friends about not being sure we could stay married, etc. And, many other issues prior to that. I don't understand people are saying that I'm re-writing history?

[elizabeth2222]

Many have offered empathetic feedback for your situation, I'm sure it's difficult for both you and your H.

 

Don't confuse that with the disapproval of the extramarital steps you've taken on your own - and IMHO at your H's expense - to improve your lot in life.

 

To me, you're doing the one thing nearly guaranteed to make a bad situation worse...

 

Mr. Lucky

Yes, I agree...THAT I will admit and take responsibility for. Just not for re-writing history or going into the marriage with anything but the best intentions.

[elizabeth2222]

You sound EXACTLY like my MM's wife. And it was the lost/missing connection that made him go look for it outside the marriage.

 

It's very possible your H has too.

I highly doubt that, because he's ALWAYS home except for work, however if it were true, I certainly could not hold it against him...especially at this point. And, I hate to say it, but it's the truth...I would almost welcome that news. My biggest wish for the future is an amicable divorce, with both of us (especially him) finding a better match and being happier than we've been. He certainly deserves that.

[Cephalopod]

Women never get over it either. This happens to both genders not just men.

 

True. But I think that some women...some...are after the fancy wedding and the social status of being married. They rush into marriage for all the wrong reasons, with guys who they are really not attracted to. I had it happen to me and I've seen it happen to other guys.

[Cephalopod]

Yes, I agree...THAT I will admit and take responsibility for. Just not for re-writing history or going into the marriage with anything but the best intentions.

 

So this miracle man you are looking for...do you think he really exists?

 

I think you need to quit wasting your husband's time and tell him you want out. Just do it. Quit making excuses why you can't.

 

Jeez I feel so bad for this guy.

 

My sister's son is graduating college this year. He's a good looking kid with a hell of a bright future. About three months ago his girlfriend of three years broke up with him because he refused to marry her. We talked about it and he told me that he sees no advantage whatsoever to getting married, when all that is going to happen is he stands a 50% chance of his wife leaving him or divorcing him and taking his pension and half his net worth. He sees no logical reason why he should take that kind of risk.

 

My nephew is a good guy. A sweet, kind kid who treated his girlfriend well...he just wouldn't marry her.

 

I can't say I blame him. And I think a lot of young men in our society are going to start eschewing marriage as a bad risk.

[ttfn555]

So this miracle man you are looking for...do you think he really exists?

 

I think you need to quit wasting your husband's time and tell him you want out. Just do it. Quit making excuses why you can't.

 

Jeez I feel so bad for this guy.

 

My sister's son is graduating college this year. He's a good looking kid with a hell of a bright future. About three months ago his girlfriend of three years broke up with him because he refused to marry her. We talked about it and he told me that he sees no advantage whatsoever to getting married, when all that is going to happen is he stands a 50% chance of his wife leaving him or divorcing him and taking his pension and half his net worth. He sees no logical reason why he should take that kind of risk.

 

My nephew is a good guy. A sweet, kind kid who treated his girlfriend well...he just wouldn't marry her.

 

I can't say I blame him. And I think a lot of young men in our society are going to start eschewing marriage as a bad risk.

 

 

Well, I think given today's society, your nephew is young and is smart enough to know that he has a lot of life to live and getting married now would be risky. I think, or I hope that when he is older and established and has had other relationships, there will be someone he is willing to risk it for. he's a smart cookie people, women or men, who want commitment early on, need it for some reason to make them whole. Why rush these days?

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, I agree...THAT I will admit and take responsibility for. Just not for re-writing history or going into the marriage with anything but the best intentions.

 

Not sure why that distinction so important to you, certainly doesn't balance the scales. Let's agree you didn't marry your husband with intent to hurt or harm him. Don't think your affair and subsequent decision to keep your spouse in the dark meets the same standard. You seem to imply things would have been better had you been honest with him early in your relationship - doesn't the same apply now?

 

Mr. Lucky