Married and seeing someone else

[davidromero43]

This is such an easy fix. If you are still reading these posts. Here is my suggestion.

 

Don't tell him you are cheating. Let him keep the kids and the house, as it sounds like he is the responsible person. Move into a small apartment, and enjoy great sex. Life is too short to be unhappy.

[No Limit]

So you put romance over family? Wow, what a blow to your kids.

[obtuseedge]

Follow my thread history. Stop before you ruin what you have.

[Buckeye2]

You're dating the OM. When you’re with him there are no kids, bills or other worldly concerns. The OM is romancing you like it’s his job because it is. His payday is getting in your pants. Right now you have two men working their butts off to provide your needs and wants. It’s a great life as long as you don’t feel guilty or get caught.

 

What’s sad is that your husband is competing for your affections and doesn’t even know it. Plus the OM has such an advantage (seeing you away from the kids, etc.) that he could be a toad and win.

 

If you don’t get caught you can have great memories of your affair as you grow old with the family and home that your husband provided. If you’re not guilty all of this is free.

 

If you get caught you will try and save you’re a$$. Please don’t tell your husband that you suddenly realized that he’s your soul mate and don’t know why you did such a terrible thing. You knew exactly what you were doing and why.

[Morro72]

(I have a sneaking suspicion this is one of those threads where the OP comes in, dumps, sees the replies then leaves without a word. I suspect this isn't what she expected at all. A mix, maybe, but a totally unanimous view on the madness therein? I think the OP may have cut and run....)

 

Or perhaps the OP is off on wild encounter #4 with Mr. Romantic.

[elizabeth2222]

Seems to me one half of the forum women would give their right arm to get such a fine man and the other half (like the OP here) are throwing men like this away like they are garbage.

But here's the deal...just because a man is a 'good guy' does not mean that every woman is going to have the unique and special attraction for him that will lead to a long-lasting, happy & intimate relationship as husband and wife. I see so many people saying in essence, 'well, he doesn't beat you, doesn't drink to excess, and is a good dad, how could you NOT be attracted to him?'. This truly baffles me. Of course, those are wonderful and incredibly important qualities to have....but without any chemistry or passion, how is this relationship any different than friendship? So, if she doesn't stay, it doesn't mean he's 'garbage' or that there's anything wrong with HIM....it just means that they aren't connected in an intimate way. It's very unfortunate that people often realize this AFTER years of marriage, however it doesn't make any sense to just 'stay to stay' if this is the situation you find yourself in. I can't imagine what it would feel like at the end of your life to say, 'wow, I stayed married my whole life to someone because of a choice I made at age 23 even though I never felt true passion or intimacy...what an accomplishment'.

[TaraMaiden2]

But here's the deal...just because a man is a 'good guy' does not mean that every woman is going to have the unique and special attraction for him that will lead to a long-lasting, happy & intimate relationship as husband and wife. I see so many people saying in essence, 'well, he doesn't beat you, doesn't drink to excess, and is a good dad, how could you NOT be attracted to him?'. This truly baffles me. Of course, those are wonderful and incredibly important qualities to have....but without any chemistry or passion, how is this relationship any different than friendship? So, if she doesn't stay, it doesn't mean he's 'garbage' or that there's anything wrong with HIM....it just means that they aren't connected in an intimate way. It's very unfortunate that people often realize this AFTER years of marriage, however it doesn't make any sense to just 'stay to stay' if this is the situation you find yourself in. I can't imagine what it would feel like at the end of your life to say, 'wow, I stayed married my whole to someone because of a choice I made at age 23 even though I never felt true passion or intimacy...what an accomplishment'.

 

Yes, but you extricate yourself from such a situation, BEFORE you decide to leap into bed with Mr Wonderful.

Not after.

 

She eulogises about her husband; well if he is such a terrific figure, then maybe she should have considered an amicable separation prior to running off on a white charger pitching at windmills...

 

It's not the relationship with her H that is an issue here; I can see your point.

But it's her attitude and methodology which is seriously out of kilter....

[elizabeth2222]

Yes, but you extricate yourself from such a situation, BEFORE you decide to leap into bed with Mr Wonderful.

Not after.

Agreed..this should be the way to do it.

[Davey L]

But here's the deal...just because a man is a 'good guy' does not mean that every woman is going to have the unique and special attraction for him that will lead to a long-lasting, happy & intimate relationship as husband and wife. I see so many people saying in essence, 'well, he doesn't beat you, doesn't drink to excess, and is a good dad, how could you NOT be attracted to him?'. This truly baffles me. Of course, those are wonderful and incredibly important qualities to have....but without any chemistry or passion, how is this relationship any different than friendship? So, if she doesn't stay, it doesn't mean he's 'garbage' or that there's anything wrong with HIM....it just means that they aren't connected in an intimate way. It's very unfortunate that people often realize this AFTER years of marriage, however it doesn't make any sense to just 'stay to stay' if this is the situation you find yourself in. I can't imagine what it would feel like at the end of your life to say, 'wow, I stayed married my whole life to someone because of a choice I made at age 23 even though I never felt true passion or intimacy...what an accomplishment'.

 

Fine, be honest with husband then. But that's not what's going on here is it? Here hubby works his socks off providing for her and taking care of things while other man gets all the fun. Oh, and hubby gets to carry the blame for it too. Nice.

[Cephalopod]

Seems to me one half of the forum women would give their right arm to get such a fine man and the other half (like the OP here) are throwing men like this away like they are garbage.

 

I was one of those men who got thrown away. Doesn't do much for your self esteem. My brother got thrown away and he killed himself. I think OP still needs to come clean though.

[Cephalopod]

But here's the deal...just because a man is a 'good guy' does not mean that every woman is going to have the unique and special attraction for him that will lead to a long-lasting, happy & intimate relationship as husband and wife. I see so many people saying in essence, 'well, he doesn't beat you, doesn't drink to excess, and is a good dad, how could you NOT be attracted to him?'. This truly baffles me. Of course, those are wonderful and incredibly important qualities to have....but without any chemistry or passion, how is this relationship any different than friendship? So, if she doesn't stay, it doesn't mean he's 'garbage' or that there's anything wrong with HIM....it just means that they aren't connected in an intimate way. It's very unfortunate that people often realize this AFTER years of marriage, however it doesn't make any sense to just 'stay to stay' if this is the situation you find yourself in. I can't imagine what it would feel like at the end of your life to say, 'wow, I stayed married my whole life to someone because of a choice I made at age 23 even though I never felt true passion or intimacy...what an accomplishment'.

 

It goes both ways. Just because a woman is smoking hot, romantic, funny and great in bed doesn't mean she is good wife material. I personally dated a woman just like this. She was beautiful, spitfire hot in the sack, fun at parties, and yet when I would try to sit down and have a meaningful conversation with her I was left cold because, well, she was dumb as a rock and shallow as a pie pan. She had no morals and no conscience. Her long distance plans extended a week out. No way I would ever marry her or have kids with her...beautiful as she was. Beauty, sex appeal...all that crap is superficial and means nothing at the end of the day. I want someone I can trust with my heart.

[SJS]

But here's the deal...just because a man is a 'good guy' does not mean that every woman is going to have the unique and special attraction for him that will lead to a long-lasting, happy & intimate relationship as husband and wife. I see so many people saying in essence, 'well, he doesn't beat you, doesn't drink to excess, and is a good dad, how could you NOT be attracted to him?'. This truly baffles me. Of course, those are wonderful and incredibly important qualities to have....but without any chemistry or passion, how is this relationship any different than friendship? So, if she doesn't stay, it doesn't mean he's 'garbage' or that there's anything wrong with HIM....it just means that they aren't connected in an intimate way. It's very unfortunate that people often realize this AFTER years of marriage, however it doesn't make any sense to just 'stay to stay' if this is the situation you find yourself in. I can't imagine what it would feel like at the end of your life to say, 'wow, I stayed married my whole life to someone because of a choice I made at age 23 even though I never felt true passion or intimacy...what an accomplishment'.

You should post this exact quote on the "no spark should I marry him anyway" thread in the marriage forum.

[beach]

If you are that interested in this OM- then simply DO proper order and divorce your husband.

 

You are no longer "investing in" the marriage - heck all of your attention is focused on the OM...

 

 

Can you see how unfair that is to your H? Allow him the grace and dignity to be free of the toxins you are adding to the marriage.

[harrybrown]

So you think Mr. wonderful is so wonderful.

 

He will cheat with you and he will cheat on you.

 

He is looking for some fun on the side. He is not into the long-term relationship.

 

Hope you think about your kids.

 

But give your H his freedom. Tell him and file now.

[Chi townD]

What is wrong with some of you people! If they've been married for 10 years AND have four kids, there had to been a spark between them! But here's the rub, sometimes life gets in the way. The man realizes that he has 5 people to provide for and himself and is working his tail off to make sure his family has everything they need. Then, on the weekends they're probably got soccer games or volleyball games or karate practice. And I'm betting that they haven't been on a date between the two of them, by themselves for years. Life gets in the way. Doesn't mean that you stop loving someone, it just needs to be addressed. Time set aside for just the two of them. That never happened.

 

 

Now, to the OP. If you read your original post again, it sounds soooo selfish. It's all about what you want, and what you need and how your husband is perfect in every way accept that he isn't romantic. And you feel justified in cheating on him because you brought it up to him a couple of times and very little to nothing was done.

 

 

Well, let me ask you this, what have YOU done that was romantic for your husband recently? Have you ever dropped the kids off at the grandparents for an overnight stay. Went home changed into something sexy, set the table with table clothes for a candle lit dinner. Cooked him some of his favorite foods and surprise him with a quite romantic evening together? Betcha never did. You expect HIM t do this stuff. What have YOU done that has been proactive toward your own marriage.

 

 

But, it's too late now. You cheated on him. You stated that you've been with this other guy three times already. So, I assume that you slept with him three times already. There's a good chance you're going to lose your marriage over this. And then you're going t be a part time mom because our husband has rights as a father and he'll have them for half the time. You'll be financially strapped. Because he'll only be required to pay what the courts order. And all this hard work and overtime he's put in is going to go away. He works his ass off to provide for his family. Now, he'll only work to make sure his kids are taken care of.

 

 

Oh, and if you think that you and Prince Charming are going to ride off into the sunset and be happy, you have another thing coming. Stats have shown that less than 7% of relationships that start out as affairs actually make it the long haul. Also, the asshat that you're sleeping with might not want to sign on for a ready made family with four kids! And if the kids are old enough, they're going to know that this douche rocket is the reason why mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. You stand a chance that your kids will lose respect for you. So, they're probably not going to warm up to this guy anytime soon.

 

 

Sound like a good deal? Is this asshat that KNOWS he's sleeping with a married woman worth it? (Oh, and you're probably not his first married woman. He probably likes the fact that he can sleep with you and send you home to your husband. Good deal for him). See, he doesn't care about you! He only cares about what he can get from you. He doesn't give a damn that he's destroying a family. He doesn't care that he's going to break the hearts for four kids. He doesn't care that he's ripping a marriage apart. He'll keep on telling you what you want to hear just as long as you keep giving him what he wants.

 

 

So, is it worth it?

Edited May 14, 2015 by Chi townD

[Steen719]

What is wrong with some of you people! If they've been married for 10 years AND have four kids, there had to been a spark between them! But here's the rub, sometimes life gets in the way. The man realizes that he has 5 people to provide for and himself and is working his tail off to make sure his family has everything they need. Then, on the weekends they're probably got soccer games or volleyball games or karate practice. And I'm betting that they haven't been on a date between the two of them, by themselves for years. Life gets in the way. Doesn't mean that you stop loving someone, it just needs to be addressed. Time set aside for just the two of them. That never happened.

 

 

Now, to the OP. If you read your original post again, it sounds soooo selfish. It's all about what you want, and what you need and how your husband is perfect in every way accept that he isn't romantic. And you feel justified in cheating on him because you brought it up to him a couple of times and very little to nothing was done.

 

 

Well, let me ask you this, what have YOU done that was romantic for your husband recently? Have you ever dropped the kids off at the grandparents for an overnight stay. Went home changed into something sexy, set the table with table clothes for a candle lit dinner. Cooked him some of his favorite foods and surprise him with a quite romantic evening together? Betcha never did. You expect HIM t do this stuff. What have YOU done that has been proactive toward your own marriage.

 

 

But, it's too late now. You cheated on him. You stated that you've been with this other guy three times already. So, I assume that you slept with him three times already. There's a good chance you're going to lose your marriage over this. And then you're going t be a part time mom because our husband has rights as a father and he'll have them for half the time. You'll be financially strapped. Because he'll only be required to pay what the courts order. And all this hard work and overtime he's put in is going to go away. He works his ass off to provide for his family. Now, he'll only work to make sure his kids are taken care of.

 

 

Oh, and if you think that you and Prince Charming are going to ride off into the sunset and be happy, you have another thing coming. Stats have shown that less than 7% of relationships that start out as affairs actually make it the long haul. Also, the asshat that you're sleeping with might not want to sign on for a ready made family with four kids! And if the kids are old enough, they're going to know that this douche rocket is the reason why mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. You stand a chance that your kids will lose respect for you. So, they're probably not going to warm up to this guy anytime soon.

 

 

Sound like a good deal? Is this asshat that KNOWS he's sleeping with a married woman worth it? (Oh, and you're probably not his first married woman. He probably likes the fact that he can sleep with you and send you home to your husband. Good deal for him). See, he doesn't care about you! He only cares about what he can get from you. He doesn't give a damn that he's destroying a family. He doesn't care that he's going to break the hearts for four kids. He doesn't care that he's ripping a marriage apart. He'll keep on telling you what you want to hear just as long as you keep giving him what he wants.

 

 

So, is it worth it?

 

The above is so depressingly true. How freaking sad for her H and 4 kids.

[gettingstronger]

My guess is that its your life situation and not your marriage/husband that is the issue- 4 young kids means lots of sacrifice and thats hard to do- your affair is a nice little escape- the problem is, life is not about escaping, its about handling what you have, its about honoring your responsibilities-

I really have no other advice other than that-

[minime13]

But here's the deal...just because a man is a 'good guy' does not mean that every woman is going to have the unique and special attraction for him that will lead to a long-lasting, happy & intimate relationship as husband and wife.

 

Then spend more time making sure you have that unique and special attraction before you get married and have children with him.

 

Or, end it and move on. Divorce is a difficult decision for a reason. Adultery shouldn't be the easier decision to make.

[truncated]

But here's the deal...just because a man is a 'good guy' does not mean that every woman is going to have the unique and special attraction for him that will lead to a long-lasting, happy & intimate relationship as husband and wife. I see so many people saying in essence, 'well, he doesn't beat you, doesn't drink to excess, and is a good dad, how could you NOT be attracted to him?'. This truly baffles me. Of course, those are wonderful and incredibly important qualities to have....but without any chemistry or passion, how is this relationship any different than friendship? So, if she doesn't stay, it doesn't mean he's 'garbage' or that there's anything wrong with HIM....it just means that they aren't connected in an intimate way. It's very unfortunate that people often realize this AFTER years of marriage, however it doesn't make any sense to just 'stay to stay' if this is the situation you find yourself in. I can't imagine what it would feel like at the end of your life to say, 'wow, I stayed married my whole life to someone because of a choice I made at age 23 even though I never felt true passion or intimacy...what an accomplishment'.

 

If she isn't happy then she should

(a) stop making babies with him

and

(b) put on her big girl panties and go. stop using him for what he can provide for her while she is out sleeping with another guy.

 

No one can be faulted for realizing that being married to a certain person isn't what is right for them, it how they handle it that counts.

[aliveagain]

Well here I am Married 10 yrs but together 12 years. We have 4 kids and are what a lot of ppl would consider a dream couple. We rarely argue and almost never fight. He's a great dad, provider and friend. We share everything but over time the romance has fizzled and is pretty near dead. DH is verything you would love in a husband less romantic. Since we had kids (BTW 4 in 6 years) we have been tired and worn as one might expect. We stopped sleeping in the same bed as a result of having to be bk in fothing with sleeping with kids. That evolved to me sleeping alone over maybe 4 or 5 years now. Anyway I met someone through professional circles and in about 2 weeks I found myself talking with him all the time. Loving his company and needless to say I have fallen fast n hard into him. He compliments me. He makes me feel attractive and sexy. He romanticizes me and pays attention to me. I am so attracted to him its crazy. I have been with him 3 times and been wanting to make that 4. I am still I'm love with DH but I feel almost justified to be doing this since I have represented my concerns over time and not really seen amy improvement. What hurts tho is that he spends so little time romancing because he's always working on ways to improve on what we have and to make us all more comfortable as a family. Its absolutely crazy the point at which I have found myself but I feel happy and very excited to see other guy and we've just been crazy about each other. I know I shd stop before it all crashes but I am so loving this.. what. Do I do?

 

Sounds like you've already taken the proper steps to end your marriage, now all you have to do is inform your husband and prepare your children for the major change in their life. What did you expect to hear from thousands of people who have witnessed the absolute devastation to their own families? You will know what I mean one day when you have to stand in front of your husband and children pleading to save your family and how much you wish you could take it all back. You can't because time machines haven't been invented yet and you can't unfu*k yourself once you've stepped over that invisible line, you own your deeds for the rest of your life. Talking it out would have been so much easier.

[Just a Guy]

Hey Lady! Looks like you are the Engineer on the Amtrack train that derailed Wednesday and killed 7 people and hurt hundreds of others! Well maybe your train won't kill anyone (Although I'm not sure about that!) but it is certainly going to leave a lot of people close to you, hurt very deeply. Your husband of course but also your four children(innocents), your parents, your husbands parents, grand parents if they are still around and then of course all your other close relatives, friends and associates who are friends of the marriage. Finally you yourself will be the most hurt when the whole thing explodes in your face.

 

If you doubt what I say just read the myriad stories on this forum which eerily are so much like yours. What you have done is to stab someone you are supposedly still in love with, in the back and then every time you have slept with your lover you have turned the knife in his back with a vengeance, some thing you wouldn't do even to your worst enemy. I do not really know if your marriage is salvageable but you should do the decent thing and file for divorce after confessing to your husband the full extent of your transgressions. If you think that you can keep things under wraps then think again. Some thing or the other will always escape your attention and will put your husband on to you and then the situation will be completely explosive.

 

Listen to what the others have had to say and read the past accounts of people who have been in the same situation as you. You will then know exactly what you have to do. Best wishes.

[William]

Got a report on what was suspected to be a drive-by so, lacking any further interaction from the thread starter, I'll close this up. Thanks for your participation!