Ruined it for all involved

[Gigi2015]

It's been a while, thought I would post an update.

My healthy baby was born a couple of months ago.

I'm grateful that mom, baby and sibling are all doing well. Beautiful baby boy with chubby cheeks and pudgy limbs.

I generally don't sleep very well, and keep thinking that the lack of sleep will catch up with me and I'll be able to rest soon.

I miss my oldest son so much, and he misses me too. We see each other regularly but it's nothing close to being there everyday.

The interaction I have with my ex is worse than I imagined it would be.

Everything is a debate. We're still settling our financial affairs and I can tell you that the lawyers are the only ones who win in that regard.

I've talked to and even seen my affair partner, but all the excitement and interest is gone on my part, and with the arrival of my baby- she really has no interest in pursuing a future with me.

I just hope that my kids won't hate me in the future.

 

Congrats on your new baby!!! Don't assume your ex-wife will turn your kids against you. If you are part of thir lives and are committed to them they will feel your LOVE!! Don't give up on them. They will bring great joy into your life. Often times when the "affair bubble" is burst and you begin to deal with real life situations feelings disappear. It's no longer just about hitting the pleasurable high. It's no longer you and her against the fantasy world .....it's now the real world. The good news is you can start fresh and build a good life without having to sneak or hide.

 

I haven't heard any words of empathy towards your ex-wife. You dismantled her world and cheated, lied, betrayed her....if you had been on the receiving end of this fiasco, how would you feel? The good thing is she is no longer being lied to. People do forgive. If you can get some IC into why you did what you did....maybe one day you can ask for forgiveness. My guess is it's NOT that you fell out of love that she is angry about. She more than likely loved you deeply( enough to marry you, bear your children and remain loyal and faithful).

 

Maybe things are raw right now but--You can develop a respectful relationship with her. You can partner together to raise your kids. Time heals. She'll fall in love again. You will too. But--unless you understand and work through your issues you will take them with you unto your next relationship. Best wishes...

Edited February 5, 2016 by Gigi2015

[Trishern]

Congratulations on a healthy baby and it's great to hear they are all doing fine.

 

 

Do you have any family support at all? Siblings ? Parents? What do they think about your situation?

 

 

How has therapy been going?

What have you learnt about yourself? Why you did this?

 

 

I suggest you try and see your oldest son as much as you can and more. Plan activities together....do things where you can bond together.....teach him stuff, so that later in life he can have happy memories of time spent with his dad, even though you're divorced. Don't let him feel the pinch of dad not being at home. You owe it to him.

 

 

He needs to feel a great deal of love from both you and his mom. I know her hand will be full with the baby now, so step up and do everything possible. No excuses.

 

 

How you behave now will have a huge impact on his future, so be there at school events, sporting events and step up with any extra curricular activities.

 

 

With the baby, it will be harder to create that bond, but you need to be there for him. I'm not sure of you and your exW ages, but she may well have a new relationship in time and your little son, won't really have had so much time with you. he may well grow closer to a new man and see him as daddy.....but once he's old enough...you do activities with both boys and be the very best dad you can.

 

 

Always take an interest in your sons and make them feel like a priority. Be upbeat and positive around them.

 

 

Mrs. T

[Shadowburn]

I remember that thread when OP just started it, and a little surprised at the turn of events.

I think a lot of posters were too hard on him. Yes, he was selfish, hurt his wife, hurt his OW...yet he is no worse that every other cake-eating MM having an affair. If anything, he honestly admitted to his wife having an affair and made steps to divorce and to reconcile with OW whom he seemed to love genuinely.

 

I am going to be cynical and will say that his main misfortune is that both women really were not having it and dumped him. But anyone who's been reading these boards for any period of time, knows it is quiet rare - usually wives hold to their wayward husbands for dear life (especially if there are kids and money involved which is the case here), and OW don't walk away that often when divorce is in the picture - just read OW board how many of them staying in affairs, completely miserable, when their AP not even promising them anything.

 

So, OP...pick yourself up and move on. There are better things ahead. Yes, you messed up that one...so what, rebuild yourself, rebuild your life, learn from it and keep moving forward. Best of luck

[Ms. Faust]

If anything, he honestly admitted to his wife having an affair and made steps to divorce and to reconcile with OW whom he seemed to love genuinely.

 

 

Welp. I guess that love wasn't all that genuine since he just said in his update he's lost interest in her, and she in him.

 

What a shame. A family destroyed for a flash in the pan.

 

I've talked to and even seen my affair partner, but all the excitement and interest is gone on my part, and with the arrival of my baby- she really has no interest in pursuing a future with me.

 

I just hope that my kids won't hate me in the future.

 

Thank you for coming in and updating, OP. You were honest about the situation knowing you would be facing the firing squad.

Edited February 8, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[merrmeade]

I went back through your posts and there isn't really any remorse or guilt at all. You almost seem surprised that people find your behavior disgusting. Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist yourself? I think you need to get to the bottom of your empathy problem before you embark on another relationship. Even in affair fog, it's unusual to be this cold-hearted. You should definitely get to the bottom of that and a proper diagnosis.

 

I think once you get your mental health issues in order, things will start making more sense to you. For some reason, it's like you haven't grasped the level of destruction you've caused in these lives. Your wife has been betrayed, disrepected and turned into a single mother, the OW has been betrayed, lied to, disrepected, but at least she wasn't carrying your baby and able to get way from your abuse. Lastly, your children will eventually create new broken homes for their children if you continue to be a part of their life. They were robbed of an opportunity to see what a real family looks like. To them, a father is simply a man who stops by once a week to take you out to ice cream. As heinous as the betrayal of your wife, it pales in comparison to how much you betrayed your children. Hopefully they will be able to find a new Dad that won't abandon them to sleep with his coworker.

 

If your wife has full custody, you are on the brink of losing the last little bit left of your family. Once she moves a new guy in, it won't be long until they start calling him Dad. They're so young and he will be the guy teaching them how life works, so in all fairness, he will deserve the title. He becomes Dad and you're left with the weekend dad title if anything. Once they're old enough to figure out you destroyed their family and hurt their mom, you'll be lucky if they'll even speak to you on first name basis.

 

You might as well just face it, that part of your life is over. You gambled with your children's relationship and the house won. A Dad is a man who raised you and you are not going to be that guy. Let them go now before you end up hurting them again. Let them find a dad that won't destroy their family. They deserve to have a solid male role model in their life and you aren't in a position to provide that to them. Your number one goal should be to make sure they don't end up imitating your behavior and that's going to be hard to achieve if you're in their life.

I hope that there was a rationale behind this detailed picture of the OP's wretchedness because I don't think anyone deserves such a hopeless prognosis. Yes, agreed, a WS with the degree of entitlement and heartlessness showed by the OP does have to hit rock bottom and stay there a while for the conscience to finally get its due. But, good grief, do we have to throw garbage on him the whole way down?

 

Furthermore, telling him to leave his kids alone is the worst advice ever! He will always be their father. He can't walk away from that fact. But if he followed this advice and ran away, THAT would be the most damaging message he could give his children. No, worse. They will blame themselves. If he leaves for good as suggested, they will simply feel abandoned and add that to his misdeeds later. To tell him to leave them alone because he's not good enough and might damage them, is still putting the attention on him. It's just awful advice for him and for them all the way around.

 

OP, you are their father. They need to know that you are sorry and believe it. They need to see that you are trying to change in all ways and be the unselfish parent that's focused on their welfare and happiness. No one can tell you that is impossible, only that you must. You have no choice and so this is your chance at redemption. But it has to be sincere, consistent, and considered actions, not just words.

[whichwayisup]

I remember that thread when OP just started it, and a little surprised at the turn of events.

I think a lot of posters were too hard on him. Yes, he was selfish, hurt his wife, hurt his OW...yet he is no worse that every other cake-eating MM having an affair. If anything, he honestly admitted to his wife having an affair and made steps to divorce and to reconcile with OW whom he seemed to love genuinely.

 

I am going to be cynical and will say that his main misfortune is that both women really were not having it and dumped him. But anyone who's been reading these boards for any period of time, knows it is quiet rare - usually wives hold to their wayward husbands for dear life (especially if there are kids and money involved which is the case here), and OW don't walk away that often when divorce is in the picture - just read OW board how many of them staying in affairs, completely miserable, when their AP not even promising them anything.

 

So, OP...pick yourself up and move on. There are better things ahead. Yes, you messed up that one...so what, rebuild yourself, rebuild your life, learn from it and keep moving forward. Best of luck

 

You had me until the 'so what'. That 'so what' has painful consequences for innocent children and an ex wife who was betrayed and had her world blown apart and turned upside down.

 

So what minimizes what happened. This is BIG and I hope he learns from his mistakes, learns how to find respect, genuine love and care in general. Learns how to live with boundaries, learns how to be trustworthy, reliable, safe and responsible.

 

My suggestion when your son is old enough to understand, go to family counseling with him. BE the best dad to your kids. Be a respectful and kind co parent to both your ex wife and your ex OW and focus only on the kids, not being 'friends' with either of them. Their lives now are none of your business unless it has to do with the kids.

 

Great post replies by Lady Jane and RySant! Really take in what they've said.

 

Work on you, do counseling so you can be a better man and a better father.

[Edge of despair]

ive posted an honest account of events of what I've done and the consequences of those actions. Putting myself in the firing line on here is nothing compared to dealing with the real life fallout.

My mom still has a great relationship with my ex, so I know I've even disappointed her.

I easily shrug off the idiot notion of leaving my kids to be fathered by someone else. I've already learned that my oldest son doesn't care about my housing arrangements, he just wants to know when we'll be together again.

My concerns are about our future relationship, but make no mistake- I am determined to be a great dad.

I may not have fully appreciated what I had before, but I didn't feel appreciated before either.

No one seeks out this situation, but I have certainly learned from it.

[understand50]

ive posted an honest account of events of what I've done and the consequences of those actions. Putting myself in the firing line on here is nothing compared to dealing with the real life fallout.

My mom still has a great relationship with my ex, so I know I've even disappointed her.

I easily shrug off the idiot notion of leaving my kids to be fathered by someone else. I've already learned that my oldest son doesn't care about my housing arrangements, he just wants to know when we'll be together again.

My concerns are about our future relationship, but make no mistake- I am determined to be a great dad.

I may not have fully appreciated what I had before, but I didn't feel appreciated before either.

No one seeks out this situation, but I have certainly learned from it.

 

Edge of Despair,

 

No wants to just keep kicking you when you are down. Unfortunately, from your first post, many of us saw where this would go. Glad you are keeping in your sons life, and I am sure you will work at being there for your just born infant.

 

You have pick a hard road, and maybe you did not start out to get here, but get here you did. Myself, I would try and do the best I could do, and work at having the best relationship that can be had with my kids and my Ex. Your Ex, will move on and be prepared for that. Work at getting along, with her new partner as well as you can for your kids sake.

 

As your you, I hope you find happiness, and someone to share your life. Life is so much better when you have someone. There will be a next time, use your past to live better and make yourself a better husband the next time around. You are not damned for life, you can move forward, but keep your past as a way to may yourself better man and father.

 

I wish you luck......

[Babs22]

Edge of Despair,

I appreciate you sharing your experience with us. I believe you when you say you are determined to be a part of your sons' lives. Believe me, they will need you. Just try your best every day to be the best father you can be. Even if your wife remarries, if you remain in your kids lives, no one can truly replace you or take away the relationship you have built with them. Hopefully, they will have a good relationship with their stepfather. The more people who truly love and support your kids the better for them. The best thing for them will be to see all the people they love and care about at least getting along and being civil with one another.

 

There will be plenty for you to be involved in as they get older. I am sure they will be involved in sports, or music or something that requires lessons. I spent a good deal of my kids lives taking them to lessons, sporting events, rehearsals. Take part in that. Offer to drive, pick up, etc. When your boys are teenagers is when I think they need their dad the most. My H and I are married, not happily, but that's another story. Even though my H has always lived in the home, he has not been the best dad, not horrible, just not fully there for them. I am not sure he knows how to be a better dad. My kids love him and desperately want to feel that their dad loves them, supports them and is proud of them. They often feel like they are a disappointment to their dad. It is quite sad. So living with your kids is no guarantee of a great relationship with them. Actually talking to them, listening to them, showing and telling them every day that you love them, that is what will build a great relationship. Show interest in what they are doing and what they end up doing. In the end, they just want to know that you love them and that you are proud of them.

 

You sound like you have your head on strait where that is concerned. It won't happen over night, but if you keep being a great dad to your boys, I believe your ex-wife can come to appreciate that you have been a good father, have supported them in every way. My brother and sister-in-law divorced when their youngest was 3, his drinking was the main factor. Even though my brother was not the best dad, he frequently was not there when he said he would be. He has been sober for a while now and actually has a pretty decent relationship with his ex. She never remarried, spent all her time and energy focused on her kids. He never remarried either. Their kids are young adults now, early 20s. The past two Thanksgivings and Christmases I invited her to our house because she had lost both her parents and really has very little other family. My brother and his ex both in my house with their kids, getting along, and enjoying themselves.

 

I tell you this to let you know that things will get better. If my SIL can forgive my brother for all he did and they can get along now, it would be possible for anyone. Like I said, he was not the best dad or ex, especially when the kids were young. He is a recovering alcoholic and, even though he still has many imperfections, everyone gets along. I think it makes his kids extremely happy to see them get along. After all, they love both their parents, even my brother who has been a pretty inconsistent parent. It will take time, but I think someday you and your ex can have an amicable relationship too, it will be the best thing for your boys.

[Ladyjane14]

ive posted an honest account of events of what I've done and the consequences of those actions. Putting myself in the firing line on here is nothing compared to dealing with the real life fallout.

My mom still has a great relationship with my ex, so I know I've even disappointed her.

I easily shrug off the idiot notion of leaving my kids to be fathered by someone else. I've already learned that my oldest son doesn't care about my housing arrangements, he just wants to know when we'll be together again.

My concerns are about our future relationship, but make no mistake- I am determined to be a great dad.

I may not have fully appreciated what I had before, but I didn't feel appreciated before either.

No one seeks out this situation, but I have certainly learned from it.

 

That's a common complaint among unfaithful married people. It's that feeling of not being "appreciated" that is so often the first step to rationalizing poor choices.

 

I think, in hindsight, you're probably in a better position to realize that you were looking to outside sources for approval rather than looking inward. Happiness comes from the inside. That sense of satisfaction at the end of the day comes from how YOU view your accomplishments. It doesn't come from others. No matter how nice it feels to be complimented on what you do, ultimately there's no source of appreciation that's as reliable as your own.

[Popsicle]

It doesn't take much to appreciate your spouse. The fact that so many fail to do this simple thing is just a testament to laziness, complacency and self absorption.

[understand50]

It doesn't take much to appreciate your spouse. The fact that so many fail to do this simple thing is just a testament to laziness, complacency and self absorption.

 

So true in many ways

[Ladyjane14]

There's a difference between being appreciated and feeling appreciated. Most people do appreciate their spouse. But if a person doesn't perceive it, it might as well not exist.

 

Nobody walks around behind their spouse all-day-every-day lauding him/her with non-stop praise no matter how much love and appreciation actually exists. That's why it's so important for people to have a healthy self-esteem and to seek satisfaction in their own accomplishments. If you're looking outside for someone else to provide a basic sense of worth to you, you're on a destructive path.

[Gigi2015]

There's a difference between being appreciated and feeling appreciated. Most people do appreciate their spouse. But if a person doesn't perceive it, it might as well not exist.

 

Nobody walks around behind their spouse all-day-every-day lauding him/her with non-stop praise no matter how much love and appreciation actually exists. That's why it's so important for people to have a healthy self-esteem and to seek satisfaction in their own accomplishments. If you're looking outside for someone else to provide a basic sense of worth to you, you're on a destructive path.

 

 

Yes!! And perception is guided by need/desire/want/psychologial well -being. My brother was getting lots of attention from SIL..but at the time he dismissed it because he wanted "new"

Attention. You can lavish love, appreciation, caring....but if someone is looking elsewhere it won't work....

[ShatteredLady]

I've been keeping away from this post. The way your wife's emotional reaction made you feel!! REALLY?!? Tears annoying?!?

 

Anyway, you were a WS with no empathy & a lot of self pity.

 

Then you updated us. You have a beautiful, chubby little adorable chap. Wonderful! I really wanted to feel something positive but I was 'gob-smacked'! Stunned! You REALLY need help! Your 'Oh woe is me' about YOUR LACK OF SLEEP because of your mess!!

 

Your wife that you betrayed, shattered, broke the heart of, has just had your child!! Can you remember what that's like? Just observing your wife, after the birth of your first son! Remember how physically, mentally & emotionally exhausting that was? When there were 2 of you? 2 of you happy? Your wife safe, secure, supported, special?!?

 

Your wife is surviving the most painful, emotionally crippling, devastating thing WHILST going through pregnancy, birth & sleep deprivation. You have the gall to pity yourself for lack of sleep!!

 

Rant over! You hit so many nerves. I know I've already been mean & its intended. I'm starting to feel concern. There is something VERY wrong here. You need help. You REALLY do. Some have credited you on your honesty & I did feel that a bit but you've said things that just don't seem 'normal' to me. It's beyond cold.

 

Do you have a good relationship with your parents? What's their relationship like? Have they noticed a big change in you over the last couple of years? Are they worried about you?

[awkward]

Thanks for the update. It still seems like you weren't happy with your ex-wife and don't really regret it all. Be a good dad. This is your chance for redemption. Don't blow it.

[Edge of despair]

I've been keeping away from this post. The way your wife's emotional reaction made you feel!! REALLY?!? Tears annoying?!?

 

Anyway, you were a WS with no empathy & a lot of self pity.

 

Then you updated us. You have a beautiful, chubby little adorable chap. Wonderful! I really wanted to feel something positive but I was 'gob-smacked'! Stunned! You REALLY need help! Your 'Oh woe is me' about YOUR LACK OF SLEEP because of your mess!!

 

Your wife that you betrayed, shattered, broke the heart of, has just had your child!! Can you remember what that's like? Just observing your wife, after the birth of your first son! Remember how physically, mentally & emotionally exhausting that was? When there were 2 of you? 2 of you happy? Your wife safe, secure, supported, special?!?

 

Your wife is surviving the most painful, emotionally crippling, devastating thing WHILST going through pregnancy, birth & sleep deprivation. You have the gall to pity yourself for lack of sleep!!

 

Rant over! You hit so many nerves. I know I've already been mean & its intended. I'm starting to feel concern. There is something VERY wrong here. You need help. You REALLY do. Some have credited you on your honesty & I did feel that a bit but you've said things that just don't seem 'normal' to me. It's beyond cold.

 

Do you have a good relationship with your parents? What's their relationship like? Have they noticed a big change in you over the last couple of years? Are they worried about you?

 

 

I don't have a good relationship with my parents. They divorced when I was 13 and it was devastating. My dad left and I rarely see him- maybe once every few years. My mom lets me know when she needs something- home repair, a car (I've bought the last 3). I've always felt like I needed to be the provider for her.

Sometimes I think I'm not normal, but then I realize that more than half of my friends are divorced too and it all seems like a crap shoot.

[RRM321]

I haven't seen the OW in months.

How can you be so sure that what we had wasn't genuine?

 

Because genuine starts with the individual, not the relationship. Houses, boats, and cars, do not make a real man.

 

It isn't your heart that has an anatomical connection to the OW, and it wasn't your heart that got your ex-wife pregnant. You've strung the OW along and you lied through the entirety of marriage counseling. There is nothing genuine in either relationship, because there is nothing genuine about the roles you play.

 

I doubt the other woman loves you as much as she loves the idea of you and your lifestyle. The knowledge of who you make children with has to have awoken her realization that this idea she was chasing - would never truly be her reality, and certainly not a happy or trusting future. If the OW is returning I'd attribute that to your earning potential not your character. You may well deserve each other.

 

Kudos to your ex-wife, and what enormous strength and support she must call upon. I believe divorce and full custody is completely necessary for her, and your children.

 

You have enormous hurdles to overcome, all of which originate with you're lack of empathy. More than the act of lying is the magnitude and duplicitous character of these lies.

 

It takes real effort, calculation, and detachment to lie your way through 9 months of counseling.

 

It requires a bold sense of invincibility to pledge the OW "your life partner" while continuing to counsel a false future relationship with your wife.

 

It is wholly sadistic to impregnate a woman you admit means nothing to you, and whose anguish simply annoys you.

Edited February 11, 2016 by RRM321

[sandylee1]

Edge ofD

 

I wonder how much YOU appreciated your wife before and during the affair? In most situations love and appreciation are reciprocated.

 

Can you honestly say you were a good appreciative husband?

 

If she were to answer this question (prior to your affair) would she have only good things to say about you?

 

I'm sure not.....because none of us are perfect.....but despite your faults....she never had an affair.

 

Then during your affair..you must have paid her even less attention...did she seek out an affair even then? No.

 

You've gone through a hell of a lot...of your own making.....yet there's never been any sympathy towards your wife... who was truly the innocent party in all this. ......that really stands out in ALL your posts. You went as far as to say she was irritating/annoying you by crying. I just don't understand how you can go from love (if it was ever there) to not even caring about the devastation you caused her at what should be such a joyous time (pregnancy) for a woman.

 

In order to move on and learn ...you could do with exploring how you became so cold towards the woman you vowed to love and cherish forever.

 

If I were to get into a relationship with a man who'd done this......I'd be very scared to be totally honest. Scared for how I may be treated in the future. I don't think I'd be the only woman to have such a concern either. Leaving a pregnant wife.....that's a big deal.

 

 

I'm just saying these things ...so that you can better yourself....

Not to have a dig at you. Just so that you can think really hard how you turned from a loving husband......to someone I'm sure your wife could not even recognise.

 

I get that affairs are common. ...but it's the total lack of guilt or remorse towards your wife that stands out.....especially being pregnant with your child.

[Gigi2015]

I don't have a good relationship with my parents. They divorced when I was 13 and it was devastating. My dad left and I rarely see him- maybe once every few years. My mom lets me know when she needs something- home repair, a car (I've bought the last 3). I've always felt like I needed to be the provider for her.

Sometimes I think I'm not normal, but then I realize that more than half of my friends are divorced too and it all seems like a crap shoot.

 

 

 

Don't treat things as a crap shoot unless you've been dismissed. If a person is by your side it should mean something to you.

[jnel921]

OP, you sound like my XH. He too decided he didn't love me after I had our son and was pregnant with our daughter.

 

D him was the best decision I made. He was selfish, a liar and ultimatelly became a serial cheater in his last M.

 

Don't worry about your W or your kids. I am sure she will have a better life without you. After almost 19 years I could care less about my XH and I became a much stronger person because of it.

 

You keep looking for someone to stroke your ego. One day you will have to leave it at the door. Not everyone will put up with your lies.

 

A successful relationship is not just finding the right person...it's being the right person. If you are M....you shouldn't be looking for any outside of your M.

[merrmeade]

The cluelessness floored me in this one:

May 14

OW doesn't appear to want anything to do with me. She is so special, please think of her, pray for her to heal.

But the callousness came to a head here:

May 14

I'm still uncertain and confused about what I want. As many have said- I was selfish, still am. The more I think about it though, I can't divorce my wife while she's pregnant- I know that legally I can, but I'm going to stick around while she goes through this. My heart is with the OW, but I've really blown it with her. Heck, I've blown it with both.

This pretty much said to me, "Yeah, I'm selfish. Whatever. I just want to know how to get out of this obligation to pregnant lady. I mean, it's not fair 'cause legally I don't have to stick around."

 

I'm hoping there's been a change, amazingly slow as it's been, that these show maybe something's getting through:

May 26 talking about the attorney

I felt like she was looking at me with disgust as I told her my story. From reading the replies on here I can see that most people feel that way. ?

September

... my kid asked me how was Santa going to get inside. It was so hard not to cry at that moment. I really have ruined it for all those I loved, and I'm sorry.

Small moments can bring big insights ... eventually.