Furious Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 I am not seeking sympathy. I should have moved forward with a divorce earlier this year. My marriage counseling was a big lie- I never admitted to having a physical affair because I didn't want to face adultery as the reason for divorce. I am a very active dad- I take my son to his sports, to school, on father/son trips. We have a very close bond. I feel completely empty emotionally regarding my wife. Seeing her cry irritates me. She doesn't deserve that, I know. I did this to myself, and now everyone is hurt. How can anyone divorce a pregnant wife and expect any woman to want to be with him in the future? I have a friend who was pregnant when she discovered her husband had been cheating on her. She divorced him anyway, and with the help of family and friends gave birth and she has thrived. She remarried when he son was two and had another child with her second husband. Her son is now entering college and he has a good relationship with his biological father. He also has a great relationship with his step dad who loves him as his own son. My friend looks back and she never regrets having that baby boy. She has said many times, that it was a blessing in disguise and she's married to her soulmate. You can still be a great dad, and be a huge part of their lives even though you and their mother are divorced. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Edge of despair Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 Good points, I hope she gives him a second chance, and both make it work. If they divorce, I hope he can be a good part time dad. I then hope he can make it work with the OW. Yes, there are always exceptions to the rules, but you need to know your odds going in. If the odds are bad, you have to work that much harder to beat them. You need to go with open eyes into anything in life. 660 I wish I knew the odds. I feel like staying with my wife is possible, but I'm not in love with her. I would be doing so just because of a sense of obligation. I don't see how the OW can forgive me on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Ifalltopieces Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 My guess is that your wife will eventually want to reconcile. Since you claim things are undoubtedly over between you and the OW, I would almost bet you go back. Not because your happy or in love but because it's comfortable. It's secure and it's what you know. Ultimately, being miserable with her is better than being alone. As for the OW, it could go either way. Not trying to give you false hope, but if the connection was equally intense for her as it was for you, it won't be easy to dismiss you. On the other hand, she probably feels deceived, used and disgusting. She may be strong enough to just leave you alone. Time will tell. I do have to say, shame on you for having sex with two women....that's disgusting and extremely selfish. And don't blame your wife for getting pregnant....you could have easily said NO or wrapped it up. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 I'm not so sure, you can file but some states I believe will require a paternity test before granting a divorce to a pregnant spouse. I don't know now but before they would wait 6 months after birth to do the test. But with modern DNA testing that may have changed? it's interesting - in my country, for example, unless the divorce is consensual... you cannot divorce or file for a divorce from a pregnant W or from a W when the child is younger than 1 year old. just a "fun" fact. Link to post Share on other sites
Trishern Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 I wish I knew the odds. I feel like staying with my wife is possible, but I'm not in love with her. I would be doing so just because of a sense of obligation. I don't see how the OW can forgive me on this. Don't even think of staying with your wife if you don't love her. That's cruel. It's best to get divorced and let her adjust to life without you. I know you don't want to divorce her while pregnant. but if she decides that's what she wants, I guess you can't stop that. It will be hard on your wife, but if she has a good support system with family and friends, she will eventually be okay. You can continue being a good dad to your son and hopefully be able to bond with your new son in time. I think when he's just born, you may not be able to have overnights for a few months. It is best to be honest now and son not enter a false reconciliation, when you don't love her. That would awful. The sooner she can heal and try and have a new life partner (if she wants to) the better. It's very sad all round. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
afoolto no end Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 why keep lying to your wife, divorce her, stop the charade…… take care of your wife financially and your children and move on…… you are deep in affair fog …… why do you think you have a bad marriage because your in an affair, get that.. selfish people justify everything and that is what you have done over and over again…..let your wife go, let her and the kids have a great life with a man that wants to love her not just fake it like you still want to do…go to your affair partner and come back in 6 months when she isn't so special either…. working with this woman is like a knife in your wife's back……….don't hurt her like this ……. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Edge of despair Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 I haven't seen the OW in months. How long does the affair fog last? How can you be so sure that what we had wasn't genuine? Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 You are absolutely correct....most will not have a positive view of your cheating and divorcing your pregnant wife. It will be something that you will have to reconcile with yourself. IC will help guide you. I am also quite sure it is difficult for you to stand and absorb your wife's pain. It isn't easy...to take ownership....it is common to be angry. It helps to allieviate the negative view of oneself. Easier to be angry than point fingers at ourselves. Easier to point at the relationship dynamics (often code for..it's their fault, or at the very least NOT MINE). At the end of the day....you are left with the relationship you have with yourself. Who do you want to be? Once you figure that out...start making yourself accountable to you. If maintaining a healthy relationship with your children is important....then make yourself accountable. Forgiving yourself....will involve accountability. The road to redemption of self isn't supposed to be easy....it is meant to build character that lasts a lifetime. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SSM3 Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 It's still early days, let your wife settle and adjust. Then go and speak with her Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 Sounds like you attract strong women that will not put up with your shenanigans so my advice would be-work on you so that when the time comes and you meet another woman that interests you, you can be the type of person they want for life- I agree that neither of the current situations are workable because you were unable to do right by either of them- I hope you can support your wife and kids during the transition and then become a stronger, healthier you- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Edge of despair Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 They are both very strong, determined women. They both are successful and will have no problem attracting another man. The imminent loss is what leaves me with feelings of despair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 They are both very strong, determined women. They both are successful and will have no problem attracting another man. The imminent loss is what leaves me with feelings of despair. Well of course you feel badly- you did in fact handle this badly and I would guess that with a pregnant wife that feeling will be with you for quite a while- BUT you need to do as right as you can by your wife and family now and that means you need to work on YOU- be better today than yesterday-you will wallow in self pity, thats normal for sure-but you will need to dig deep and do everything you can to be understanding and supportive- in time, you will heal and hopefully when you get the chance to do this again, you will be the man you want to be- Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 Edge, Did you ever think in your worst moments that you would be the kind of man to be thinking about leaving a pregnant wife? I don't know if you have a son or not, but imagine him telling you that. I guess I can understand the despair. Have you talked to your dad about it? A trusted friend? Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 I haven't seen the OW in months. How long does the affair fog last? How can you be so sure that what we had wasn't genuine? your #1 concern & priority should be your children now - not your love life. so focus on them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Trishern Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) They are both very strong, determined women. They both are successful and will have no problem attracting another man. The imminent loss is what leaves me with feelings of despair. If you divorced and went to the OW, what do you think your chances would be? I'm also curious what your end game was when you confessed the A to your wife. You had to know this could mean the marriage was over. Also you mentioned only being intimate with your wife 2 times in a year. Is this because she wasn't interested? Because I'm thinking if I was her, then I would have known my marriage was in trouble. Hopefully, in some years time you and your ex can successfully co-parent in the interest of the children, who will with any luck adapt well to any step-parents/partners that may be on the scene. I used to think it was very hard for single mothers to get into relationships, but reading around on these boards, that doesn't seem to be the case. For your younger son, it will be a lot easier, as he won't know any different. Sometimes it seems like things can't get any worse and I admit it's not so great for you right now, but fast forward a few years and it will be better. You can't undo what's done. Try and think of any positives so you don't get depressed. Mrs. Trishern Edited May 14, 2015 by Trishern typo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 I'm still uncertain and confused about what I want. As many have said- I was selfish, still am. The more I think about it though, I can't divorce my wife while she's pregnant- I know that legally I can, but I'm going to stick around while she goes through this. My heart is with the OW, but I've really blown it with her. Heck, I've blown it with both. Looks like you're still trying to get things your way. Why not stay FAR away from both of them? Can't you see you are the one who's been the cause of so much pain for both women? Be on your own man - leave these poor women alone. The only thing you're offering at this juncture is more manipulation... Just don't! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 They are both very strong, determined women. They both are successful and will have no problem attracting another man. The imminent loss is what leaves me with feelings of despair. When you quit thinking so much of yourself - this will get a bit better for all involved. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 I feel like staying with my wife is possible, but I'm not in love with her. I would be doing so just because of a sense of obligation. Ok. You are straight and sure of this. Good. No confusion/fog there. Just tell your wife this. Tell her THE TRUTH (in the kindest way you can). NO woman wants to be an OBLIGATION. How humiliating. Let her be prepared to move on with her life and see her future. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 I suggest you go by what your pregnant wife wants for the next few years. You got her pregnant, and it's a vulnerable time for a woman to be having a baby, even if she can afford help from what you say. Why not let her make a choice with her life now? And I say that as a former MOW. Your OW is gone. She felt betrayed and if she's a normal human being, how could she be with you when your wife will have a baby that needs you? You didn't want a divorce, didn't get it, had sex with the wife instead so put your energy into your family. You sound also depressed, with all your money it could help you to find a helpful professional. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Stay with pregnant wife till after baby is born and see how you feel then. I don't think you are a bad person, you just didn't step up to the plate when you should of. You should of separated before it went down. There is nothing worse than feeling trapped by obligations. If you don't love your wife you need to discuss things w her and divorce. You can always make more money and get comfortable again. Money is replaceable but people aren't. If you truly love this other woman you should go to her. Life is too short..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 The more I think about it though, I can't divorce my wife while she's pregnant- I know that legally I can, but I'm going to stick around while she goes through this. A relationship is double-tracked. She can divorce you just as well as you could divorce her, it doesn't matter. And frankly, it might be less helpful for you to be around all the time than you think - the emotional rollercoaster adding to the pregnancy hormones will without a doubt cause additional stress. The ball is in her court now though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Edge of despair Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 I suggest you go by what your pregnant wife wants for the next few years. You got her pregnant, and it's a vulnerable time for a woman to be having a baby, even if she can afford help from what you say. Why not let her make a choice with her life now? And I say that as a former MOW. Your OW is gone. She felt betrayed and if she's a normal human being, how could she be with you when your wife will have a baby that needs you? You didn't want a divorce, didn't get it, had sex with the wife instead so put your energy into your family. You sound also depressed, with all your money it could help you to find a helpful professional. I am depressed, anxious, and tired. I've been to 3 different therapists, but I still need help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Edge of despair Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 I suggest you go by what your pregnant wife wants for the next few years. You got her pregnant, and it's a vulnerable time for a woman to be having a baby, even if she can afford help from what you say. Why not let her make a choice with her life now? And I say that as a former MOW. Your OW is gone. She felt betrayed and if she's a normal human being, how could she be with you when your wife will have a baby that needs you? You didn't want a divorce, didn't get it, had sex with the wife instead so put your energy into your family. You sound also depressed, with all your money it could help you to find a helpful professional. Stay with pregnant wife till after baby is born and see how you feel then. I don't think you are a bad person, you just didn't step up to the plate when you should of. You should of separated before it went down. There is nothing worse than feeling trapped by obligations. If you don't love your wife you need to discuss things w her and divorce. You can always make more money and get comfortable again. Money is replaceable but people aren't. If you truly love this other woman you should go to her. Life is too short..... Life is too short and goes by too fast. OW doesn't appear to want anything to do with me. She is so special, please think of her, pray for her to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Life is too short and goes by too fast. OW doesn't appear to want anything to do with me. She is so special, please think of her, pray for her to heal. Your priorities are so $@#&ed up! You have the audacity to ask for prayers for the OW? Seriously?? 14 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Your priorities are so $@#&ed up! You have the audacity to ask for prayers for the OW? Seriously?? Why not? She is probably hurting too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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