Ruined it for all involved

[Edge of despair]

Divorce outcomes are pretty clear at the beginning and the majority of people who spend a lot on lawyers do so because of emotional thrashing from one or both of the parties and the jockeying and concealment in the discovery process. Divorce is a spreadsheet process, with minor tweaks, unless you have difficult to value assets, self-employment/income issues, or very serious parenting issues.

 

Put together a settlement offer now and short-circuit this. Create a spreadsheet of each asset and liability and value, designating sole and separate and community/marital. Lay out the estimated costs and fees that you and she would incur. To give her incentive to settle, put an estimated total amount that the two of you would be paying in costs and attorneys fees to go to trial in her column. Calculate child support and spousal support by your state’s online calculators.

 

Don’t just throw up your hands and decide that war is inevitable. It isn’t. It takes two to go to war. You might have to tolerate a skirmish or two because she is understandably angry at you, just as you would probably be angry if an S.O. cheated on you. (Imagine OW had been cheating on you and lying to you all along. That’s how your wife feels, right?) Don’t expect your offer or any settlement to be a panacea and that she’ll just accept and peace will reign.

 

But there is power in saying that you’d prefer that $X go to her than to lawyers and that she has time to think it over.

 

 

I'm learning that women think very differently than men.

It seems her intent is to punish me, rather than reach a fair agreement.

She's indifferent to what the costs are, and they adding up weekly.

[merrmeade]

OP, you asked for information:

I wish I knew the odds.

This was one response:

to answer this OP's questions - i know A LOT "post-affair" success stories... probably over 50 couples. many couples started out as an A & most of those relationships last until this day -- for many, many years.

 

people leave for their AP & most importantly - they stay and live happily with their AP for MANY years, a lot more than folks would like to think. it happens a lot, but most of these people kind of keep that story to themselves.

 

also, a lot make the transition from an A to a "normal" marriage without ever revealing the A -- so there is that. my boss has been with his wife for over 40 years and it wasn't until recently that he told me that they actually started out as an A that lasted for two years.

 

it happens, most definitely. people leave their partners for someone else all the time - some of them work out, some don't. in my experience -- most of the marriages that started out as As DO last.

If you actually accept anecdotal evidence like this as an answer to a question of percentages and base life choices and decisions on the hope it gives you, then you deserve to continue living your life on the "edge of despair." Because the poster knows a few means, yes, it's possible.

 

If you want statistics, go to shirleyglass.com. She did surveys and compiled data over a period of years. For example:Seventy-five percent of all people who marry their affair partners end up divorced. So how do you feel about those odds? I hope for your wife's sake, good.

Edited June 26, 2015 by merrmeade
I can't believe I just posted on this thread.

[sandylee1]

I'm learning that women think very differently than men.

It seems her intent is to punish me, rather than reach a fair agreement.

She's indifferent to what the costs are, and they adding up weekly.

 

Have you made her a settlement offer?

 

If you make it more than fair, her lawyer should advise her to accept it. Otherwise , so much is spent on legal fees.

 

Have you tried asking what she wants , via your lawyer and negotiating from there? I'd like to think her lawyer would advise her if her demands are totally unreasonable.

 

On the aspect of punishment , I guess it's not inconceivable that she'd want some form of 'punishment ' for what you've put her through. I'm sure she'd rather not be dealing with a divorce at a time when she should be happy.

[m.snow]

courts most of the time offer 50/50 for child custody. child support payments are rare for 50/50 custody

 

some courts don't do life time alimony.

 

you should have her latest child DNA tested.

 

important note: do have a GOOD recording that she specifically states that her unborn child is yours. hide a recorder or a phone.

 

its pretty hard to get pregnant from just having sex twice a year.

[sandylee1]

I think if the OP takes the steps to request a DNA test he can expect even more backlash from his STBXW. That would not be a smart move.

[turnera]

I'm learning that women think very differently than men.

It seems her intent is to punish me, rather than reach a fair agreement.

She's indifferent to what the costs are, and they adding up weekly.

Given your attitude, what did you expect? For her to thank you?

[No Limit]

I'm learning that women think very differently than men.

It seems her intent is to punish me, rather than reach a fair agreement.

She's indifferent to what the costs are, and they adding up weekly.

 

For her this is about revenge. You're her enemy #1. She wants to see you bleed, at least financially. Is she at least allowing you to see the kids on a regular basis?

[understand50]

I'm learning that women think very differently than men.

It seems her intent is to punish me, rather than reach a fair agreement.

She's indifferent to what the costs are, and they adding up weekly.

 

Again, what did you expect her to do?

 

The only way you may have to getting this to a "better" place is to talk to SBEX, and let her vent, and admit you were in the wrong.

 

You both are going to have to come to some sort of understanding, as you have kids, but it is not going to be easy.

 

I wish you luck.

[Limbo4ever]

I feel completely empty emotionally regarding my wife. Seeing her cry irritates me. She doesn't deserve that, I know.

 

OMG, just divorce your wife! As a betrayed wife, it is the most painful thing you can inflict to your partner. She doesn't deserve you (both of them) and what other people has said here before, how can you be a good father when you have hurt your family this way? so start working on yourself and make a decision whether you want to reconcile or not.

[BlueIris]

I'm learning that women think very differently than men.

It seems her intent is to punish me, rather than reach a fair agreement.

She's indifferent to what the costs are, and they adding up weekly.

 

It has nothing to do with gender and that's a deflection on your part. People who have been lied to and cheated on are often angry- whether they're men or women.

 

She might be indifferent to the costs because she's indifferent to you, because she doesn't care if the costs annoy you or worry you.

 

That's why I suggested to sweeten the pot, to offer a financial incentive to settle.

 

But also, your opinion of what is a "fair" agreement probably doesn't matter much to her any more. Your ideas about fairness or reasonableness were blown to bits when you lied and cheated.

 

You want a quick and easy divorce? Pay for it, just like you pay extra for anything that is more quick and convenient. I pay more for milk at the convenience store than I pay for milk at the discount grocery store 10 miles away.

[Edge of despair]

It's time for an update and you will not like it.

 

I say that because while I was expecting the worst going into negotiations this week, my lawyer's superior abilities played out before my eyes.

My counselor had previously said that the outcome would be much better than what the other side was projecting prior to actually negotiating in person.

At the table stbxw lawyer was confused and uncertain while mine was sharp and focused. What I learned was that the laws in my state are quite fair to both parties and I ended up with a very fair agreement.

 

And- OW and I are texting again!

[turnera]

Of course you are.

[awkward]

It's time for an update and you will not like it.

 

I say that because while I was expecting the worst going into negotiations this week, my lawyer's superior abilities played out before my eyes.

My counselor had previously said that the outcome would be much better than what the other side was projecting prior to actually negotiating in person.

At the table stbxw lawyer was confused and uncertain while mine was sharp and focused. What I learned was that the laws in my state are quite fair to both parties and I ended up with a very fair agreement.

 

And- OW and I are texting again!

 

How's it going with your kids? Are you in counseling getting assistance to help you become a better father? If so, have you welcomed the idea of the baby? Are you doing 50/50 custody?

 

Big mistake getting involved with the OW again but you will learn that on your own. I have to say that your story has been quite surprising. Let's face it, there are endless numbers of men who cheat on their pregnant wives. But the number of men who actually divorce their pregnant wives and pursue their OW, not so many. That stigma will be there for a long time... even when your children are adults. You must be a brave man.

[Popsicle]

It's time for an update and you will not like it.

 

I say that because while I was expecting the worst going into negotiations this week, my lawyer's superior abilities played out before my eyes.

My counselor had previously said that the outcome would be much better than what the other side was projecting prior to actually negotiating in person.

At the table stbxw lawyer was confused and uncertain while mine was sharp and focused. What I learned was that the laws in my state are quite fair to both parties and I ended up with a very fair agreement.

 

And- OW and I are texting again!

 

That's all good. I'm glad you both can finally move on.

[No Limit]

Big mistake getting involved with the OW again but you will learn that on your own.

 

Pretty much. He'll never be left alone with the kids, many people react very hateful when their ex tries to introduce the kids to AP right away. Not to mention the manipulation of the children by the vengeful BS. But I guess OPs focus was on the money, so at least that's settled.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Why not? She is probably hurting too.

 

She was the one who called it a day. Sensible woman.

 

She's also not the one carrying HIS child ..

 

A baby is a very precious gift. I would like to think both he and his wife are aware of their parental responsibilities, but...

 

I'm frequently disappointed by the thoughtless actions of those who are supposed to be responsible grown ups...

 

What a mess this is, and so terribly sad for all of them, don't you think?

[No Limit]

She was the one who called it a day. Sensible woman.

 

She's also not the one carrying HIS child ..

 

A baby is a very precious gift. I would like to think both he and his wife are aware of their parental responsibilities, but...

 

I'm frequently disappointed by the thoughtless actions of those who are supposed to be responsible grown ups...

 

What a mess this is, and so terribly sad for all of them, don't you think?

 

It is pretty sad but chances are over time at least the older son will turn resentful at either both or his father and swears to be a better partner when he's adult. Read a lot of that stuff in social media. Of course, he might just become dysfunctional; it lies in the mother's hands now as primary influence.

[cocorico]

It's time for an update and you will not like it.

 

OTC - it all seems very positive.

[ladydesigner]

It's time for an update and you will not like it.

 

I say that because while I was expecting the worst going into negotiations this week, my lawyer's superior abilities played out before my eyes.

My counselor had previously said that the outcome would be much better than what the other side was projecting prior to actually negotiating in person.

At the table stbxw lawyer was confused and uncertain while mine was sharp and focused. What I learned was that the laws in my state are quite fair to both parties and I ended up with a very fair agreement.

 

And- OW and I are texting again!

 

I just hope your STBXW can start her healing soon! She is doing the right thing hearing how non empathetic you are towards her. I would be seeking punishment on my WH too if he were you!

 

I wish you the best of luck, but seriously you have a lot of self-reflecting to do as I do not see you as a good candidate for your OW either.

[wizer]

I'm realizing now that I'm going to be responsible for the baby no matter what, so I'm thinking that waiting until he's born is the way to go.

 

You state that if you could alleviate your responsibility to your unborn child by divorcing your wife while she's pregnant, you would do so.

 

Many of your statements on this thread seem to have no purpose other than to inflame. Including the latest update on how well things are going with the OW and the court case. Everything has suddenly turned around. In a rather remarkably unbelievable short period of time. In less than 7 WEEKS the soon to be exwife and her team of "best lawyers in town" have completely folded and he already has a fair settlement. Yeah ok.

 

This usually means only one thing.

 

Someone has way too much time on their hands.

 

Don't you have a summer book reading list to take care of?

Edited July 23, 2015 by wizer

[truncated]

One day, you may very well look back on this period in your life and feel very ashamed if yourself. Your children are gifts to you, and you owe it to them to treat them well and not wish that they never existed.

 

Given what you have said in this thread, I hope that your wife asks for full custody of your children and that you man up and give it to her, as if you don't want them, and never did ( at least in the case your your newest child) , then you shouldn't be around them. pay your child support and leave the new family alone to grow and heal. Someday, your ex wife will find a man worthy of her who will be proud to call her children hos own, and they will have a real dad.

[Edge of despair]

One day, you may very well look back on this period in your life and feel very ashamed if yourself. Your children are gifts to you, and you owe it to them to treat them well and not wish that they never existed.

 

Given what you have said in this thread, I hope that your wife asks for full custody of your children and that you man up and give it to her, as if you don't want them, and never did ( at least in the case your your newest child) , then you shouldn't be around them. pay your child support and leave the new family alone to grow and heal. Someday, your ex wife will find a man worthy of her who will be proud to call her children hos own, and they will have a real dad.

 

 

My wife did ask for full custody, and she got it.

Earlier I didn't intend to create the perception that everything was great.

I do have to pay child support, plus some additional money, but I think it's fair.

I don't want my son to resent me, but I think she will turn him against me.

I've had to move into a place that's much less comfortable than what I'm used to.

It's loney and sad, but in the long run I'll be happier.

I did marry for love and I'm sad I couldn't make it work.

[truncated]

My wife did ask for full custody, and she got it.

Earlier I didn't intend to create the perception that everything was great.

I do have to pay child support, plus some additional money, but I think it's fair.

I don't want my son to resent me, but I think she will turn him against me.

I've had to move into a place that's much less comfortable than what I'm used to.

It's loney and sad, but in the long run I'll be happier.

I did marry for love and I'm sad I couldn't make it work.

 

 

It doesn't sound like she will have to lift a finger or say one word to do so. You have done that all on your own.

 

It's just so hard to get past the fact that you seem to be more concerned with the fact that you have to lower your current level of lifestyle comfort and that you have been back in touch with your ow than you are about just how much all of this will hurt your children and soon to be ex wife.

[awkward]

Hopefully, you can nurture your relationship with both your children. I think the last thing you want is for your children to hate you or become indifferent to you. The first thing I would do, if it was me, would be family counseling. You know how parents say they put their kids first, would take a bullet for them, etc. If you are one of those dads, then please do put your children and their needs first.

 

Look when you go out this way, you have a lot to deal with. It is like throwing a bomb. Just do your best to make the fallout the least painful as possible. For you family's sake, I hope you are able to do this.

[happyman64]

My wife did ask for full custody, and she got it.

Earlier I didn't intend to create the perception that everything was great.

I do have to pay child support, plus some additional money, but I think it's fair.

I don't want my son to resent me, but I think she will turn him against me.

I've had to move into a place that's much less comfortable than what I'm used to.

It's loney and sad, but in the long run I'll be happier.

I did marry for love and I'm sad I couldn't make it work.

 

You could have made it work. You are just too selfish. You said it yourself.