Ruined it for all involved

[Spectre]

Yes- pregnant at this very moment.

She quit taking the pill, never disclosed that derail to me.

 

So do you think she wanted to get pregnant on purpose with you?

[Edge of despair]

It's been a while since I posted.

Being alone for the past few months has been difficult.

I should have tried harder to make it work.

Losing the material things has been the easiest.

I'm living in a condo without a fireplace- a detail that didn't seem to matter until my kid asked me how was Santa going to get inside. It was so hard not to cry at that moment.

I really have ruined it for all those I loved, and I'm sorry.

[sandylee1]

It's been a while since I posted.

Being alone for the past few months has been difficult.

I should have tried harder to make it work.

Losing the material things has been the easiest.

I'm living in a condo without a fireplace- a detail that didn't seem to matter until my kid asked me how was Santa going to get inside. It was so hard not to cry at that moment.

I really have ruined it for all those I loved, and I'm sorry.

 

 

I thought you reconnected with your mistress.

 

As time goes on, well a lot more time it won't be as painful. Your Ex will have a baby to focus on.

 

When you get into a new relationship or if you remarry......do not cross boundaries with other women. This is how affairs begin. You get a connection and talk about personal stuff and it goes from that to a full blown affair.

[Celestial-dreamer]

It's been a while since I posted.

Being alone for the past few months has been difficult.

I should have tried harder to make it work.

Losing the material things has been the easiest.

I'm living in a condo without a fireplace- a detail that didn't seem to matter until my kid asked me how was Santa going to get inside. It was so hard not to cry at that moment.

I really have ruined it for all those I loved, and I'm sorry.

 

Now your sorry for all the hurt you've caused? For all you loved? Did you love your W then? Funny how taking time away from the nagging boring wife who had your back can make you realise just what you had. Not long ago you were so full of the amazing OW, how wonderful she is blah blah blah. Is she still looking so awesome now? Are you watching your stbxw starting to heal, getting over you etc ? Is she happier now? Give over on your crying, remember what your words were about your wifes tears? Yeah.....she just annoyed you. Selfish to the extreme you really are. Its all me me me with you isnt it. Stand back now and have a good look at what you've done. Are you proud of yourself? I realy feel foryour W who is having to cope with your betrayal and all the pain that goes with it, a divorce that you wanted to screw her over with, and shes also having your baby. All you have to whinge about is lower living standards and no fireplace, poor you eh! YOU created this mess, you WANTED it. Now live it, stop moaning about how hard it is for YOU, its pure hell for everyone else.

[turnera]

Poor baby.

[anika99]

My wife did ask for full custody, and she got it.

Earlier I didn't intend to create the perception that everything was great.

I do have to pay child support, plus some additional money, but I think it's fair.

I don't want my son to resent me, but I think she will turn him against me.

I've had to move into a place that's much less comfortable than what I'm used to.

It's loney and sad, but in the long run I'll be happier.

I did marry for love and I'm sad I couldn't make it work.

 

I don't understand this. Why did your wife get full custody? I thought you had a great lawyer who made sure you got a fair agreement. It sounds to me like in your eagerness to get away from your family so you could be free to chase your mistress you didn't even ask for shared custody. You traded your kids for a chance to get your affair partner back. This is very sad.

[poofitsgone]

Any further updates? I honestly hope things do end up going smoother.

 

I'm a little surprised by how much sympathy the OW has gotten. She chose to get involved with a MM who has a young son, she was willing to put up with him postponing the divorce....it seems like when BS got pregnant she realized how complicated the situation could get and got the hell out of dodge. Maybe I'm just in bad mood.

 

to answer this OP's questions - i know A LOT "post-affair" success stories... probably over 50 couples. many couples started out as an A & most of those relationships last until this day -- for many, many years.

 

I personally know of about 25 marriages that have resulted from affairs in which the man left his wife for another woman..

 

Sorry if this is derailing, but out of curiosity what positions are you in to know this many affair partners? Therapy? I don't know if I could name 20 marriages, let alone the circumstances they started in. Those numbers are very interesting though...it seems counter-intuitive to me. I'll have to do research on why affair marriages would seem so stable.

[Jonah]

It's been a while since I posted.

Being alone for the past few months has been difficult.

 

 

You are alright edgy. As I was told by a great counselor... "sometimes you gotta go through hell to get to heaven"

 

Reading your thread it reads that since you couldn't decide (that damn indecision again!) that life is deciding what is best for you. So now you are free! You should be saying hooray instead of wallering in your should'a could'a would'a. Get back to your old self. My counselor also advised me to use the serenity prayer a-lot... and if I didn't have time for that to just use the abbreviated version. You know the abbreviated version don't you? "F**k it!" That's right! And it works! Try it out next time you catch yourself over analyzing your imperfect past.

 

Your grand lesson in this is of course... make command decisions and stick with them. You can take that queue from those strong ladies you seem to attract.

 

How is the OW?

[TexasMan68]

I think the title of this thread should be "You bring the Cheese I'll bring the Wine", all I hear is a bunch wining since you got dumped by both the women you screwed over. We have a saying in Texas, "Don't **** in your own skillet" and that is basically what you've done. Who cares that you live in a little condo without a fireplace, soon some other guy will live in your ex-wifes big house that your paying for. Now that is a crappy thought eh. It's kind of like that movie Trading Places, go rent it if you haven't seen it. Your Louis Winthorp right now, all drunk and dressed up as Santa eating cold fish hanging out with a hooker.

[66Charger]

Wow, I was going to write something but I will just echo the man from Texas.

 

Serves you right.

[seren]

Phew, that was a long read. My two pennyworth is that you cannot change what was, just what will be. I will always be of the mind that if you (general) find yourself falling for someone else and you have someone else at home who believes they are living a life based upon monogamy, then leave and then pursue the new relationship. if it is meant, then the other person will understand and the BS will have greater respect for not being lied to than the god awful feeling betrayal leaves, and it lingers and it can muddy any and all future negotiations until the raw hurt calms a little. add children and a pregnancy into the mix and it becomes a very messy mix. That is just for the BS, I also think that the OW, in your life must be feeling pretty peed off too. I imagine she must be hurt to find that you had been intimate with your wife while believing you and she had a future.

 

I think you have a lot of work to do for wither to view you as having integrity, I say that not for the A, but for the tangled web that has come out of it all. Out of all the posts the one that made me sad was that your wife's tears irritated you. Hmm, not sure what that says about how you handled it all or how much you have understood about betrayal and that includes the OW.

 

Maybe with the passing of time and some genuine remorse and a break up that doesn't have money as the focus but on being good joint parents is the way to go. I have two very good friends, on the surface they had everything, devoted parents both and I love them hugely. I found out from the woman that she had an affair and they were splitting up. he came to visit with his lovely children and I hear from him that he caught her in bed with a man, then she confessed to two other affairs and even though he is broken, he and she are working together as a team to make sure their children are as supported as they can be.

 

TBH, if there were ever a poster couple in, how to manage a break up after an affair when there are children, they would win hands down. The children have been told no more than their age can understand, the parents have both got new partners and the children have met the new partners, in the company of both parents and new partners. it is so, so civilised and maybe because they didn't have a in love marriage more a partnership that this is even possible. My point is that your marriage has ended, you role as a father hasn't. It might take a lot of talking to try and separate the two if your wife is still coping with the betrayal, but maybe if you can both agree to co parent as a team the future in that respect might not be so bleak. I suspect the difficult time will be when she meets a new person.

 

I don't know what the situation with the OW is, but I hope that she too is valued by you and deserves truth also. The right's and wrong's have been chewed over by others, but you cannot change that, but you can change the next steps. Money, stuff, lifestyle mean so very little in the grand scheme of things, especially balanced against having the best relationship with your children. I hope it works out for everyone and Santa can get in without a chimney, it's why he is Santa.

[Edge of despair]

It's been a while, thought I would post an update.

My healthy baby was born a couple of months ago.

I'm grateful that mom, baby and sibling are all doing well. Beautiful baby boy with chubby cheeks and pudgy limbs.

I generally don't sleep very well, and keep thinking that the lack of sleep will catch up with me and I'll be able to rest soon.

I miss my oldest son so much, and he misses me too. We see each other regularly but it's nothing close to being there everyday.

The interaction I have with my ex is worse than I imagined it would be.

Everything is a debate. We're still settling our financial affairs and I can tell you that the lawyers are the only ones who win in that regard.

I've talked to and even seen my affair partner, but all the excitement and interest is gone on my part, and with the arrival of my baby- she really has no interest in pursuing a future with me.

I just hope that my kids won't hate me in the future.

[Parannonx]

This thread /situation makes me think of that saying "you aren't useless, you can always be used as a bad example"

 

Nov get into therapy and find out why you are a disrespectful selfish fool. Then perhaps you can be a decent human being and show your children that people can change for the better.

[turnera]

I miss my oldest son so much, and he misses me too. We see each other regularly but it's nothing close to being there everyday.

 

The interaction I have with my ex is worse than I imagined it would be.

Everything is a debate. We're still settling our financial affairs and I can tell you that the lawyers are the only ones who win in that regard.

I've talked to and even seen my affair partner, but all the excitement and interest is gone on my part, and with the arrival of my baby- she really has no interest in pursuing a future with me.

I just hope that my kids won't hate me in the future.

Predictable. Why would people want to invest in a selfish, self-centered man? What are THEY getting out of it? Not much.

 

The ONLY way these kids won't grow up hating you is if you stop ALL actions you do to make YOU happy and instead do everything that would make THEM happy. I doubt you're capable of that, but who knows? Maybe enough time of being alone will show you how horribly you've hurt everyone around you and you can change.

[Mr Blunt]

To OP- Edge of despair

 

Some of the reasons that you are in such a miserable state is that you were selfish, had no wisdom and violated the foundations of marriage and decency. Two of those foundations are trust and commitment. You followed your selfish childlike fantasy and betrayed your wife and child for a woman (OW) that did not care if you hurt your wife or child. You found out that woman is selfish like you and helped you have a depressed life. Now you are paying the price for your free will decisions and you are miserable.

 

I hope that you keep posting your story as your honesty and depressed life may help someone else that is selfish and without wisdom avoid all the serious mistakes that you have made.

 

 

 

You can get better but you have to accept that you have caused some permanent damage to your family life.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's been a while, thought I would post an update.

My healthy baby was born a couple of months ago.

I'm grateful that mom, baby and sibling are all doing well. Beautiful baby boy with chubby cheeks and pudgy limbs.

I generally don't sleep very well, and keep thinking that the lack of sleep will catch up with me and I'll be able to rest soon.

I miss my oldest son so much, and he misses me too. We see each other regularly but it's nothing close to being there everyday.

The interaction I have with my ex is worse than I imagined it would be.

Everything is a debate. We're still settling our financial affairs and I can tell you that the lawyers are the only ones who win in that regard.

I've talked to and even seen my affair partner, but all the excitement and interest is gone on my part, and with the arrival of my baby- she really has no interest in pursuing a future with me.

I just hope that my kids won't hate me in the future.

 

This is so self-pitying after you've screwed so many people over.

 

What gave you done FOR them lately?

 

Not financial. Seriously.

 

It's all about 'your big SAD" and has been since the start of the thread.

 

What about the kids? What about their big sad? What about the heap of betrayal you did to your ex?

 

Any actual remorse there for their feelings or is your SAD just too important to see over?

[RySant]

It's been a while, thought I would post an update.

My healthy baby was born a couple of months ago.

I'm grateful that mom, baby and sibling are all doing well. Beautiful baby boy with chubby cheeks and pudgy limbs.

I generally don't sleep very well, and keep thinking that the lack of sleep will catch up with me and I'll be able to rest soon.

I miss my oldest son so much, and he misses me too. We see each other regularly but it's nothing close to being there everyday.

The interaction I have with my ex is worse than I imagined it would be.

Everything is a debate. We're still settling our financial affairs and I can tell you that the lawyers are the only ones who win in that regard.

I've talked to and even seen my affair partner, but all the excitement and interest is gone on my part, and with the arrival of my baby- she really has no interest in pursuing a future with me.

I just hope that my kids won't hate me in the future.

 

Okay, I would have said some "nasty" stuff to you as well, but contrary to popular belief in this forum, I am not that heartless haha. Besides, the posts above told you already what I have in mind.

 

But this is my own objective opinion for you: Contrary to what you believe, you actually had it all, but you think there is something missing.

 

You married your wife for love, but claimed that you weren't able to sustain it. You have a good life, good financial standing, a "hot wife," a beautiful son (now, sons). But you felt there is still something missing. My opinion? I think I believe what's missing in your life is effort. Effort on your part to invest and sustain the marriage. Happiness and contentment will not come to you, you should work on those things to obtain continuous happiness and contentment. Obviously, you took your wife for granted. You didn't view her as a separate living person. He's your wife, after all.

 

OP, we will always want more. We will never be satisfied in life. That is why we are being taught the virtue of contentment. Happiness is not a feeling that will last in the long run. Regardless of how complete we truly are, we will always have our own ups and downs. But you said, you found that "happiness" and "excitement" again in your other woman, but that is just the illusion when you have something new. Now, you even admitted in your post that those feelings were also gone now. The infatuation is also gone. It's just proof that we will always want more. Does it mean that you'll find what's missing again in another woman?

 

You feel sad because now you just realized what you have lost: A good family, a family that would've been there for you through your ups and downs. But you're the one who gave them up easily. You didn't work to keep them.

 

In this day and age, Marriage is being viewed as just legal crap written on paper. Very few view it as commitment strengthened by fidelity, love and effort. Those things are now considered as "cliche" and outdated. But I guess, since you are feeling miserable now, you now learned the hard way. You abandoned something that you have built for 10 years, seeking something new. Now, you have nothing.

 

Infidelity is rampant, but no one wins in infidelity.

 

As a son who has been left by my father for another woman, when I did grow up, I resented my father. Since when I already matured enough to understand what he did, I asked myself, why did he leave? Aren't we enough? Why didn't he fight?

 

These thoughts will surely come to your sons' minds.

 

What you can do now is make sure to always be present in their lives. Also prepare for the possibility that your wife will re-marry and someone will step up to be their father figure. That will surely make them further away from you. You've lacked the effort and fight in you to keep them, now you should make and effort and fight to be into your sons' lives.

Edited February 4, 2016 by RySant

[flowergirl14]

Your sons don't care about big houses on the water and fancy cars. They want parents who love them and are there for them. How very sad that the newborn will NEVER have the memory of an intact family. Why because their dad was trying to find that elusive pot of gold that we all know doesnt exist. The real treasures are/were your wife and boys!

[HereNorThere]

I went back through your posts and there isn't really any remorse or guilt at all. You almost seem surprised that people find your behavior disgusting. Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist yourself? I think you need to get to the bottom of your empathy problem before you embark on another relationship. Even in affair fog, it's unusual to be this cold-hearted. You should definitely get to the bottom of that and a proper diagnosis.

 

I think once you get your mental health issues in order, things will start making more sense to you. For some reason, it's like you haven't grasped the level of destruction you've caused in these lives. Your wife has been betrayed, disrepected and turned into a single mother, the OW has been betrayed, lied to, disrepected, but at least she wasn't carrying your baby and able to get way from your abuse. Lastly, your children will eventually create new broken homes for their children if you continue to be a part of their life. They were robbed of an opportunity to see what a real family looks like. To them, a father is simply a man who stops by once a week to take you out to ice cream. As heinous as the betrayal of your wife, it pales in comparison to how much you betrayed your children. Hopefully they will be able to find a new Dad that won't abandon them to sleep with his coworker.

 

If your wife has full custody, you are on the brink of losing the last little bit left of your family. Once she moves a new guy in, it won't be long until they start calling him Dad. They're so young and he will be the guy teaching them how life works, so in all fairness, he will deserve the title. He becomes Dad and you're left with the weekend dad title if anything. Once they're old enough to figure out you destroyed their family and hurt their mom, you'll be lucky if they'll even speak to you on first name basis.

 

You might as well just face it, that part of your life is over. You gambled with your children's relationship and the house won. A Dad is a man who raised you and you are not going to be that guy. Let them go now before you end up hurting them again. Let them find a dad that won't destroy their family. They deserve to have a solid male role model in their life and you aren't in a position to provide that to them. Your number one goal should be to make sure they don't end up imitating your behavior and that's going to be hard to achieve if you're in their life.

Edited February 4, 2016 by HereNorThere

[Ladyjane14]

It's been a while, thought I would post an update.

My healthy baby was born a couple of months ago.

I'm grateful that mom, baby and sibling are all doing well. Beautiful baby boy with chubby cheeks and pudgy limbs.

I generally don't sleep very well, and keep thinking that the lack of sleep will catch up with me and I'll be able to rest soon.

I miss my oldest son so much, and he misses me too. We see each other regularly but it's nothing close to being there everyday.

The interaction I have with my ex is worse than I imagined it would be.

Everything is a debate. We're still settling our financial affairs and I can tell you that the lawyers are the only ones who win in that regard.

I've talked to and even seen my affair partner, but all the excitement and interest is gone on my part, and with the arrival of my baby- she really has no interest in pursuing a future with me.

I just hope that my kids won't hate me in the future.

 

I think Step One for you is going to be figuring out why you blew your life up for a little excitement on the side.

 

Try "I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression" by Terrance Real. In it, you'll learn about the effects of covert male depression and how so many men end up behaving with the kind of grandiosity you first displayed at the beginning of this thread. More importantly though, you'll learn how to prevent transmitting any emotional instability to your sons.

 

Right now, you feel like you've lost everything. But life goes on, and you can still live a happy, healthy, and productive one. In order for that to happen though, you've got to find out the REAL reasons why you made the choices you did.

 

Once you've got to the bottom of YOU, you can be the kind of dad you want to be, and you can even be a full and loving partner in your next relationship. (Just make sure you choose an emotionally healthy partner next time.)

 

And in the interim, be consistently kind to your ex-wife. You have no idea, really, what you've put her through. You can't take it back and you can't fix it... but you can ALWAYS be kind.

We make our own monsters in life, you know.

[66Charger]

[quote=HereNorThere;6

You might as well just face it, that part of your life is over. You gambled with your children's relationship and the house won. A Dad is a man who raised you and you are not going to be that guy. Let them go now before you end up hurting them again. Let them find a dad that won't destroy their family. They deserve to have a solid male role model in their life and you aren't in a position to provide that to them. Your number one goal should be to make sure they don't end up imitating your behavior and that's going to be hard to achieve if you're in their life.

 

While I agree with most and have slammed you harshly, this you must not allow to happen. Your life with your wife is over, but nit your life wirh your children.

 

For GODS SAKE, Get up off the floor and straighten up man. There are plenty of healthy children from divorced parents. Stop with the stupid despair and become the best father you can be. Commit yourself to this. Stop the war, but do not stop the fight to be a father to your children. Let no man call them Dad. This is no longer about you or your xwife.

 

Stand up and tell them you made a mistake, but a real man trys to correct his ways and does not run from his responsibilities.

 

Enough with your pity party. You were a horrible husband, but you can be a great father.

 

Commit yourself to this. No matter what anyone says, you are still their father. Be their Dad also.

[sandylee1]

Congratulations on your new son.

 

I hope your ex wife is coping with a new one on her own.

 

Try and get closer to your older son. Be honest with him. Tell him you regret the pain you've caused.

 

YOU need to make the effort to be close and spend time wity him even if he pulls back. Apologise for what you've done and let him know you'll ALWAYS be there for him no matter what...

 

Help as much as she'll let you with the baby. It's exhausting under normal circumstances. ...it must be doubly hard for her to deal with.

 

As your son grows..you can tell him why cheating is NEVER the answer. Try and regain his respect.

[anika99]

Okay, I would have said some "nasty" stuff to you as well, but contrary to popular belief in this forum, I am not that heartless haha. Besides, the posts above told you already what I have in mind.

 

But this is my own objective opinion for you: Contrary to what you believe, you actually had it all, but you think there is something missing.

 

You married your wife for love, but claimed that you weren't able to sustain it. You have a good life, good financial standing, a "hot wife," a beautiful son (now, sons). But you felt there is still something missing. My opinion? I think I believe what's missing in your life is effort. Effort on your part to invest and sustain the marriage. Happiness and contentment will not come to you, you should work on those things to obtain continuous happiness and contentment. Obviously, you took your wife for granted. You didn't view her as a separate living person. He's your wife, after all.

 

OP, we will always want more. We will never be satisfied in life. That is why we are being taught the virtue of contentment. Happiness is not a feeling that will last in the long run. Regardless of how complete we truly are, we will always have our own ups and downs. But you said, you found that "happiness" and "excitement" again in your other woman, but that is just the illusion when you have something new. Now, you even admitted in your post that those feelings were also gone now. The infatuation is also gone. It's just proof that we will always want more. Does it mean that you'll find what's missing again in another woman?

 

You feel sad because now you just realized what you have lost: A good family, a family that would've been there for you through your ups and downs. But you're the one who gave them up easily. You didn't work to keep them.

 

In this day and age, Marriage is being viewed as just legal crap written on paper. Very few view it as commitment strengthened by fidelity, love and effort. Those things are now considered as "cliche" and outdated. But I guess, since you are feeling miserable now, you now learned the hard way. You abandoned something that you have built for 10 years, seeking something new. Now, you have nothing.

 

Infidelity is rampant, but no one wins in infidelity.

 

As a son who has been left by my father for another woman, when I did grow up, I resented my father. Since when I already matured enough to understand what he did, I asked myself, why did he leave? Aren't we enough? Why didn't he fight?

 

These thoughts will surely come to your sons' minds.

 

What you can do now is make sure to always be present in their lives. Also prepare for the possibility that your wife will re-marry and someone will step up to be their father figure. That will surely make them further away from you. You've lacked the effort and fight in you to keep them, now you should make and effort and fight to be into your sons' lives.

 

So much wisdom and insight in this post. I hope the OP reads it and lets it sink in.

 

There is nothing wrong with chasing dreams and success. It's what drives people to be their best at what they do, but when it comes to the people you love and who love you, you don't toss them away to chase new and "shinier" because that's not being a success, that's an epic fail.

[anika99]

While I agree with most and have slammed you harshly, this you must not allow to happen. Your life with your wife is over, but nit your life wirh your children.

 

For GODS SAKE, Get up off the floor and straighten up man. There are plenty of healthy children from divorced parents. Stop with the stupid despair and become the best father you can be. Commit yourself to this. Stop the war, but do not stop the fight to be a father to your children. Let no man call them Dad. This is no longer about you or your xwife.

 

Stand up and tell them you made a mistake, but a real man trys to correct his ways and does not run from his responsibilities.

 

Enough with your pity party. You were a horrible husband, but you can be a great father.

 

Commit yourself to this. No matter what anyone says, you are still their father. Be their Dad also.

 

Agreed. OP do not walk away from your children. Do whatever it takes to see them as often as possible. Move into the same neighbourhood if you have to, don't nitpick over silly details with your wife when it comes to seeing your kids. Stay flexible and reasonable and as your kids grow and mature they will see that while you may have made some horrible decisions you stuck around and did the best you could to right your wrongs.

 

Do not listen to the poster who told you your kids will just replace you with some new daddy so you should just walk away. That's not true and that would be a horrible thing to do to them. Sure someday your ex may remarry and your kids may come to love their stepdad but that won't mean they will stop loving and needing you. They are perfectly capable of loving multiple family members just like we all are. And in this day and age your ex may never remarry or she may find love again but that relationship may fail too. There is no guarantee that the next guy your ex falls in love with is going to last forever either but no matter what your kids are going to need their father. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start living for your kids.

[Gigi2015]

It means that at that time I was not ready to accept losing 1/2 of my assets and daily access to my son.

 

I understand that but it is not beneficial to a child to live in a dysfunctional home. We model behaviors and our children are greatly impacted. Children of divorced parents when nurtured in a healthy way are no any more likely to develop problems than those in nuclear families. Since you are not in love with your wife, the worst thing is getting back with her. you'll end up making a bigger mess. Sometimes people do a fence-sitting routine because the status quo is tolerable...so no need to gamble right? Truth is when we don't make choices for ourselves life will make them for us. Problem is in relationships people don't want to feel their partner is settling for them because choices A or B are gone(relevant to both your OW and wife). Your word will no longer be enough....the string of "unfortunate coincidences" will be nothing to them but a fabrication to gain advantage. I'm sorry you are hurt. I recommend IC.