Asked out my coworker, polite rejection, but we've been talking a lot since

[LookAtThisPOst]

I am not saying this will never work, but once a man is rejected as a potential bf, and consigned to the friend zone, she may be angry, shocked, upset and disappointed if he suddenly announces he had the hots for her all along and he had never accepted that she wasn't interested in him in that way.

 

All those supposedly platonic talks, laughs, heart to hearts and friendly hugs they had as "friends" can be tarnished in her eyes, and it can make him look sneaky and creepy.

Pretending to be her friend, to get into her knickers...

 

Actually, he's not hoping to "get in her knickers", he's still wanting a genuinely date her at a relationship level.

 

I wonder why women do this?? Make remarks about "he wanted to bang me the whole time, what an arse!!"

 

You know how you see these Facebook posts, " 3 years ago, I married my best friend!"

 

What happens is that the unattached men hear how their married friends talk about how, when they met their wives, how they were "best friends" or friends at first when they first met.

 

I have even known people to have coupled up while one of them was going through a nasty divorce and her new boyfriend was "her friend" the entire time and was with her during the whole agonizing process for her support.

 

Men hear of these situations and attempt to go through the motions that their friends had.

[elaine567]

Actually, he's not hoping to "get in her knickers", he's still wanting a genuinely date her at a relationship level.

 

I wonder why women do this?? Make remarks about "he wanted to bang me the whole time, what an arse!!"

 

You know how you see these Facebook posts, " 3 years ago, I married my best friend!"

 

What happens is that the unattached men hear how their married friends talk about how, when they met their wives, how they were "best friends" or friends at first when they first met.

 

I have even known people to have coupled up while one of them was going through a nasty divorce and her new boyfriend was "her friend" the entire time and was with her during the whole agonizing process for her support.

 

Men hear of these situations and attempt to go through the motions that their friends had.

 

"I married my best friend" can mean," my husband is my best friend" and not that "he was my friend first and then my lover".

It just means that they get on so well that he is seen by her, as her very best friend.

 

However

Men and women can be genuine platonic best friends, date other people and their feelings grow and they start going out. No problem.

Men can be persistent and ask and ask and ask until she says yes, that is fine too.

That was not what I was referring to in my post.

Hanging about a girl who has already said no and being her "friend" in the vain hope she is suddenly going to notice him and go out with him, is rarely looked upon favourably by women.

 

The "Pretending to be my friend, to get into my knickers..." allegation can be levelled against him. I am not saying it is good or particularly fair, but some women will think like that.

[LookAtThisPOst]

"I married my best friend" can mean," my husband is my best friend" and not that "he was my friend first and then my lover".

It just means that they get on so well that he is seen by her, as her very best friend.

 

However

Men and women can be genuine platonic best friends, date other people and their feelings grow and they start going out. No problem.

Men can be persistent and ask and ask and ask until she says yes, that is fine too.

That was not what I was referring to in my post.

Hanging about a girl who has already said no and being her "friend" in the vain hope she is suddenly going to notice him and go out with him, is rarely looked upon favourably by women.

 

The "Pretending to be my friend, to get into my knickers..." allegation can be levelled against him. I am not saying it is good or particularly fair, but some women will think like that.

 

I suppose...

 

I knew of a man, well into his early 50s, he made a remark on how I had been keeping in touch with a female friend that he "dated." (Me and her are JUST friends, and I'm not having any intention of trying to get with her romantically...she's had a history of rejecting tons of men in Meetup and had situations were trying to be her friend and trying actually date her when they say, "Surrrre...we can go out as friends"

 

BIG mistake..and she said that I should NEVER agree to "going out as friends" if a woman asks, "Sure, we can go out as friends, okay?" She said a man should NEVER agree to these conditions.

 

Anyway, going back to her former male friend, he laughed and said, "I thought we were dating, but apparently she didn't"

 

I guess she didn't make it clear to him or something, but apparently he got her to car pool with him on a weekend long camping trip with other people in the camping area....he took a travel trailer with him and they shared sleeping quarters with her. Not share the same bed.

 

Anyhow, when they were there, she started getting a little flirty/friendly with a guy and he took her aside and said, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't flirt with other men while we're here."

 

She was kind of taken aback, but didn't say anything...and when they were sleeping in the trailer together, the friends in the group were pushing on the trailer yelling aloud, "If this van is a rockin, don't come a knockin! HA HA HA HA HA!"

 

At the end of the camping weekend, he asked her to be his girlfriend, she said "No" and the rest was history.

[Els]

Did you read my example? Obviously, stalking doesn't work. But that's not what I'm encouraging.

 

So you were not encouraging someone to persist in trying to pursue a girl who has already said 'no'?

 

I'm encouraging OP to be bold and take risks. Risk losing the girl (even as a friend) and risk making a fool of himself.

 

I think you missed the OP's backstory. He has already taken the risk and tried asking her out.

 

Either way, staying in the friendzone and pretending to be friends with a girl in hopes that she'll like him certainly doesn't work (and hasn't worked for OP).

 

Pretty much everyone here agrees that this isn't likely to work out for him, but it's still better than aggressively pursuing a co-worker who has already rejected him. Most of us recommended limiting contact to pure professionalism, FYI, but if he really does want to stay friends with her it's still a better option than what you suggest.

 

Also, I certainly wouldn't classify annoying a girl to be a "huge injustice".

 

The point just sailed over your head. It does a huge injustice to the man to pour effort down a drain for years without acknowledgement. Putting effort into a mutual R or even into a woman who has demonstrated interest is one thing - what you are suggesting is a different thing entirely entirely. Have some dignity - the right person will respect you all the more for it.

 

Also, it's extremely inconsiderate to downplay the potential annoyance to the woman - it's like you view her as a trophy rather than a person. I had to leave an entire group of mutual friends due to a boy who thought the same way you did. And that was just a group of friends - sure it hurt to ditch the group, but it wasn't my livelihood or anything. In the OP's case they are colleagues - a very sticky situation if he continues to pursue.

 

 

Yes...I HAVE heard of this happening...now try to explain THAT away.

 

Nobody is saying it absolutely cannot happen, are they? People have also met their partners whom they have fulfilling relationships with in warzones... doesn't mean that going to Baghdad for the sole purpose of finding a partner is a great idea.

[elaine567]

Nobody is saying it absolutely cannot happen, are they? People have also met their partners whom they have fulfilling relationships with in warzones... doesn't mean that going to Baghdad for the sole purpose of finding a partner is a great idea.

 

Love it.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[guest569]

Why are people encouraging someone to face the same rejection twice..

[calvincline47]

So you were not encouraging someone to persist in trying to pursue a girl who has already said 'no'?

 

I was, but not in the way that you suggested.

 

I think you missed the OP's backstory. He has already taken the risk and tried asking her out.

 

Sometimes, you have to ask more than once to get what you want. This works in many different aspects of life, not just dating.

 

OP needs to try a different strategy.

 

Pretty much everyone here agrees that this isn't likely to work out for him, but it's still better than aggressively pursuing a co-worker who has already rejected him.

 

Yes, and what I'm saying is that you all are wrong.

 

Most of us recommended limiting contact to pure professionalism, FYI, but if he really does want to stay friends with her it's still a better option than what you suggest.

 

Personally, I don't see the purpose of remaining platonic friends with a girl that the guy likes.

 

The point just sailed over your head. It does a huge injustice to the man to pour effort down a drain for years without acknowledgement. Putting effort into a mutual R or even into a woman who has demonstrated interest is one thing - what you are suggesting is a different thing entirely entirely. Have some dignity - the right person will respect you all the more for it.

 

Who said to put effort in for years?

 

But even if OP were to put effort in for years, he could still talk to other girls while putting effort into this one.

 

Also, it's extremely inconsiderate to downplay the potential annoyance to the woman - it's like you view her as a trophy rather than a person. I had to leave an entire group of mutual friends due to a boy who thought the same way you did. And that was just a group of friends - sure it hurt to ditch the group, but it wasn't my livelihood or anything. In the OP's case they are colleagues - a very sticky situation if he continues to pursue.

 

A trophy suggests that you are trying to show a woman off to others as an achievement. I certainly don't look at the attraction from women as any kind of achievement.

 

As I said, if OP can easily get another job and doesn't care much about this AND he REALLY likes this girl, then he should go for it.

 

Nobody is saying it absolutely cannot happen, are they? People have also met their partners whom they have fulfilling relationships with in warzones... doesn't mean that going to Baghdad for the sole purpose of finding a partner is a great idea.

 

LOL you're comparing pursuing a girl a bit to a war zone? That's pushing it a bit far.

[calvincline47]

Why are people encouraging someone to face the same rejection twice..

 

Sometimes, you need to do what it takes to get what you want.

 

Rejection really isn't that bad.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Why are people encouraging someone to face the same rejection twice..

 

Pretty much.

 

1) I really don't think most women change their minds because their sense of attraction is not based on compatibility. It's based on looks and ... other stuff.

 

2) I do think there's women who will date a guy if that initial type of attraction isn't necessarily there. But I would argue it's not OP's co-worker because if it were, she'd have gone out with him the first time.

 

3) Once somebody thinks a certain way, there will never be a way to change that (the biggest lesson I have learned from LS ).

[Els]

You are still missing the entire point of my post, but I will only address the most pertinent part:

 

 

A trophy suggests that you are trying to show a woman off to others as an achievement. I certainly don't look at the attraction from women as any kind of achievement.

 

As I said, if OP can easily get another job and doesn't care much about this AND he REALLY likes this girl, then he should go for it.

 

A trophy suggests that you only think about the woman as an object that benefits you. Again, you are not seeing (or not caring about) the potential ramifications for HER. Even IF the man (I'm not even referring to the OP anymore, because your suggestions are so far removed from what he is actually doing) can easily get another job, what if SHE can't and she's stuck in a job where a co-worker is constantly pushing her to go out with him and making things very uncomfortable for her?

 

If she's assertive, after a few more rejections she will get sick of it and report him to HR and that will make things difficult for both of them in future jobs. If she's not, she'll just suffer in silence. Why anyone would want to do that to themselves and to someone they purportedly care about is a total mystery.

Edited May 18, 2015 by Elswyth

[Rejected Rosebud]

Persistently bothering a woman who has made it clear she's not interested in you might be a risk you would like to take (I think it's a bad idea but whatever!!) but NOT AT WORK!!!

[Teknoe]

BTW, I feel like I have to step in and tell everyone something about this young lady. First of all, she's 26, but she's not like your average 26 year old lady. She's naive, self-admittedly so, and is very much playful and sarcastic with me.

 

For example, last Friday she "kidnapped" one of my students who was walking to use the restroom. She calls me on the school phone, I pick up and she tells me "So, I'm taking ____ and keeping him."

 

Like I said, she's extremely playful, sarcastic and just... weird.

 

She would never report me to HR unless I did something crazy which I will not do.

 

We have a weird "one upmanship" kind of friendship. We like to pester each other and make fun of the other person. She still acts like a 22-year-old in many ways. I know for a fact that she highly values my friendship (her grade level partner told me she said that to her). She just, as of right now, doesn't see me in a romantic light. It could change over time, but it probably won't. My perspective right now is "Better a good friend than nothing."

[Els]

She would never report me to HR unless I did something crazy which I will not do.

 

Teknoe, I know you wouldn't. I was saying that calvin's suggestion to keep asking her out until she agreed DID fall under 'crazy'. I'm glad you aren't going to follow it.

[Teknoe]

Teknoe, I know you wouldn't. I was saying that calvin's suggestion to keep asking her out until she agreed DID fall under 'crazy'. I'm glad you aren't going to follow it.

 

Yeah, why bother asking her out on a date again when she said no, for all intents and purposes? Besides, while I don't know a lot about women, I do know for a fact that if a woman is romantically interested, and especially if she knows the guy she likes is interested in her back, then she will let it be known somehow, some way. She'll make it very easy for the guy, and it progresses naturally.

 

So in a way, I don't have to do anything. She can come to me if she ever changes her mind. I don't think I have to "ask her out" ever again.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Yeah, why bother asking her out on a date again when she said no, for all intents and purposes? Besides, while I don't know a lot about women, I do know for a fact that if a woman is romantically interested, and especially if she knows the guy she likes is interested in her back, then she will let it be known somehow, some way. She'll make it very easy for the guy, and it progresses naturally.

 

So in a way, I don't have to do anything. She can come to me if she ever changes her mind. I don't think I have to "ask her out" ever again.

 

It never really happens that way though, at least rarely that I have seen.

 

Now, me being older, I will tell you that I have at least two friends who have 180ed women had zero initial interest and they ended up marrying. But it took a lot of work on their end. Including waiting out other romantic interests and in the case of one of the guys, a marriage and child by another man. It did not happen naturally.

 

If you can handle that emotionally, then by all means continue to straddle. In my case I could not. I either had to drop my romantic interest in the woman, or cut contact.

 

Here's where your theory comes into play. When you have dated and had sex with a woman and you break up for whatever reason, she may get the fire back and become attracted to you again. That HAS happened to me, and is actually very likely to happen. But if she doesn't have it in the beginning, she likely never will.

 

You're probably like me and have trouble understanding why other people have rigid lovers/friends categories even though they get along with other people and like them so much, but they do.

[Els]

Yeah, why bother asking her out on a date again when she said no, for all intents and purposes? Besides, while I don't know a lot about women, I do know for a fact that if a woman is romantically interested, and especially if she knows the guy she likes is interested in her back, then she will let it be known somehow, some way. She'll make it very easy for the guy, and it progresses naturally.

 

So in a way, I don't have to do anything. She can come to me if she ever changes her mind. I don't think I have to "ask her out" ever again.

 

Sounds like a good plan. The ball is certainly in her court now, and I think you should try to focus less on her and instead focus more on broadening your social circles and meeting other women.

 

As for whether or not it will be 'very easy' with a woman who likes you... well yes, and no. It will be 'easy' in the sense that you aren't pounding your head against a brick wall by facing multiple rejections for no reason. But when a woman likes you and agrees to go out with you - the effort starts there. It's a good sort of effort though - you'll feel good about planning dates and doing things to make her happy and offering romantic gestures, because she will be appreciating and reciprocating them. It won't be like pouring effort down a bottomless drain.

[I_Squared_R]

I am hearing all sorts of crazy suggestions here. This is what you do.. Go meet new women and still talk to this girl. She may turn around or she may not. It doesn't matter because you will have other dating prospects. In other words - don't sweat it.

 

I've been put in the friend zone and I play along. Often I make jokes about taking them on some kind of ridiculous date. I've told "friend zone" women id take them to ikea for swedish meatballs or we'd go to Trader Joes and that i'd romance them with peach salsa and ring the aisle bell for her. Of course it's in the way I say it lol. It's not creepy to stay around if you like this girl. You may be hoping that she will turn around, but who knows? Maybe you will find it was just lust you were feeling and you may realize she is a much better friend than a romantic partner.

 

I do agree with previous comments.. Women have many different ways of saying "No" and her one year rule was one. Don't get your hopes up.

[Teknoe]

I am hearing all sorts of crazy suggestions here. This is what you do.. Go meet new women and still talk to this girl. She may turn around or she may not. It doesn't matter because you will have other dating prospects. In other words - don't sweat it.

 

I've been put in the friend zone and I play along. Often I make jokes about taking them on some kind of ridiculous date. I've told "friend zone" women id take them to ikea for swedish meatballs or we'd go to Trader Joes and that i'd romance them with peach salsa and ring the aisle bell for her. Of course it's in the way I say it lol. It's not creepy to stay around if you like this girl. You may be hoping that she will turn around, but who knows? Maybe you will find it was just lust you were feeling and you may realize she is a much better friend than a romantic partner.

 

I do agree with previous comments.. Women have many different ways of saying "No" and her one year rule was one. Don't get your hopes up.

 

Haha your post made me laugh. Good points, and yeah, I can't get my hopes up too high.

 

Me, her and 2 other coworkers are planning to go to a sporting event this summer though, as well as a show in September. But again, these are group outings and not dates. I guess what trips me out in all honesty is that of all my recent crushes, this is the one I feel would be most compatible and vice versa. Of course, there's so much of her I still don't know, but looking back on previous crushes whether it be lifestyle choice, looks or whatever, it's like WHOA what was I thinking, we were definitely better off as just friends.

 

But with her, I feel like our spirits connect in a way that I have not connected with many others. Then again, perhaps if you plop me in a room of 100 women, I'm bound to find others I'd connect with just as much if not more. So it's just a matter of me putting myself out there and expanding my social circle beyond just the people I see at work.

 

Also, I've sort of come to a conclusion that whatever happens from now on with this coworker is entirely ON ME. It's my perception of events and interactions that will shape how healthy it is, or how UNhealthy it might turn into. She sees me as a good friend she can banter with. She loves to tease me because I make it easy for her. But that doesn't mean she likes me romantically. It's something I must accept and be OK with.

 

I value her friendship so I'm going to try my best to keep a level head while meeting different women.

 

Who knows, maybe one day I can share my newest interest with her. That would be fun.