Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 22, 2005 Author Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by reservoirdog1 I'm a STBXBH, and I'd be pissed. I agree with whoever else said it, she should have quit her job. Promotion be damned. Yes, it's a big price to pay, but that's what life is about -- consequences to one's actions. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. No contact should mean no contact. Period, full stop. yes it is a big price to pay....and we decided not to pay it. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay what if YOU were in my situ, but you were the betrayed spouse. Your husband was the one who cheated on you with someone he works with. You have an agreement of NO CONTACT, other than business. Then he tells you, hey, my EX OW had car problems and I helped her out today. I jumped her car for her. What would you feel? Would you think of this as no big deal?. Or would you, deep down inside, have a tought of...."I dont f***in care if her battery was dead, your not suppose to be incontact with her". Would you have NO qualms about this at all?....not even a little? I guess its too hard to describe what the BS feels....as innocent as this may seem....its still was a trigger for me..... You want to be angry. I doesn't matter what any of us say, you want to be angry and you want to feel like you're right in being angry. They're you're emotions so you don't have to justify them to anyone, so why is it that you feel like you have to? If you think you're right then you'd need no justification, but yet you're asking for it. It doesn't matter the situation - any contact with him is going to make you angry, isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 22, 2005 Author Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky any contact with him is going to make you angry, isn't it? yeah...pretty much... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 22, 2005 Author Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by tiki So did he come onto her at all? NO...other than the comment..."I would do anything for you" Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay yeah...pretty much... So get angry, but keep in mind that the situation is far from ideal and if you really want your wife to have no contact with him then she should find another job. As long as she works there, he will be around and you will always have the possibility of events like this coming up. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay NO...other than the comment..."I would do anything for you" Oh she needs to tell him to STFU. Jeeze. He's toying with her and she needs to take a stand to that BS. What did she say??? Well, if it's any consolation, I hope she's being consoling to your needs. It's her job to assure you that this will NEVER happen again. What's her take on all of this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 22, 2005 Author Share Posted April 22, 2005 I dunno.....maybe this is no big deal....yet my feelings were triggered by this contact...so I have to feel what I feel...BUT I also know I am in control of my feelings.....I either let this bother me or I dont...simple as dat. Heading home now.....gonna put this to rest....no need to focus on this....it is a negative....and my mission is to focus on positive..... feelings....they come in....and they either stay or you let them go.... have a good weekend eva body....thanks for your opinions.... Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 regardless of what we think...what are you going to do about this? Are you going to dump her over this? If not...let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup Geez pocky! Apples and oranges there. Don't be silly eh! LOL!, Come on, OFCOURSE if there was a flippin' fire in the building that changes it all...I highly compare that situation to a boost! Thing is, he knew no contact. He knows to stay away. If he really wanted to help, he could have asked somebody else in office to go and help her out. Really? Hmm, I didn't think so. So then why don't they make a list: Fire: Contact Okay Hurricane: Contact Okay Terrorist Attack: Contact Okay Car Maintenance: Contact Not Okay This way there isn't anything left for interpretation. She knows what to expect and he knows what to expect and everyone is on the same page. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay dont want to turn this into a religious debate....but your anology of the OM and Jesus is rediculus My wife wasnt sukin Jesus' dick..... I wasn't trying to make that analogy. I was actually asking what would Jesus do in YOUR place, and the second time would actually have put your WIFE in jesus' position (I said Jesus wouldn't refuse the help of someone who had wronged HIM). I know you are upset but this just seems like cut and dried territorial behavior to me. You should have asked her to quit right when you found out. Link to post Share on other sites
fleafly Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 TMY, I add my thoughts to this. Your NC is only a one way thing am i correct? Your wife dint make contact with him, he saw your wife was stranded, and reciprocated. Then he made the " I would do anything for you comment". I would be reading into that. You have to understand that he does not have any repercussions on his end, he still goes home to his wife at night without one ounce of guilt. If you really want this NC thing to be what it is, you are going to have to contact his wife and enlighten her of the situation, pure and simple. Dont take this out on you wife, she is not the one to blame, she told you after all. I would hang onto and cherish that, if I were you. If you want no contact to be no contact, do the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 I think maybe Mrs. Thumb missed an opportunity here. Think how nice it might have been for Thumb to hear: "I told him thanks for the offer, but I'm waiting on my husband." And maybe for good measure, tack on a little...."well, Hell would've frozen over before I took any help from that guy." There would be warm and fuzzy feelings in the Thumb household tonight, instead of questions and insecurities, if she'd used this opportunity to reassure him. I commend Mrs. Thumb for sharing the info right up front. But hey, next time why not go one better, and make some lemonade out of those lemons? Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 I know you're probably gone. But praise your wife for telling you, thank her. And don't make her out to be the bad guy in this one instance. Any other instance, sure. But this one was an isolated incidence. Just think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Well, I don't know all of your circumstances, but here is my 2 cents, if you are interested: God demands we forgive. He doesn't demand we trust. Trust must be earned and if she is to regain your trust, if you ask me, she needs to leave this job. Period. Until she does, the air of doubt will always remain in your mind and she is not committed to you or regaining your trust. FWIW, I would have demanded she get another job. Me personally, as non-christian as it is, I'd have her boss fired for fraternization. What he did could very well end up getting him and his company sued for sexual harrassment. If she won't quit the job, get him fired. If she doesn't agree to either, she doesn't want to give him up. Again, ALL MY OPINION. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 22, 2005 Author Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 I think maybe Mrs. Thumb missed an opportunity here. Think how nice it might have been for Thumb to hear: "I told him thanks for the offer, but I'm waiting on my husband." And maybe for good measure, tack on a little...."well, Hell would've frozen over before I took any help from that guy." There would be warm and fuzzy feelings in the Thumb household tonight, instead of questions and insecurities, if she'd used this opportunity to reassure him. I commend Mrs. Thumb for sharing the info right up front. But hey, next time why not go one better, and make some lemonade out of those lemons? EXACTLY..... its the BS/WS thing....we will never know what the other side, thinks and feels..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 22, 2005 Author Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by tiki I know you're probably gone. But praise your wife for telling you, thank her. And don't make her out to be the bad guy in this one instance. Any other instance, sure. But this one was an isolated incidence. Just think about it. TIKI....thank you....you ae so right on with this. She thought about not telling me who helped her....but she didnt want to do that. In her eyes she was doing the right thing by telling me the truth. So I do have to praise her for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 22, 2005 Author Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by fleafly You have to understand that he does not have any repercussions on his end, he still goes home to his wife at night without one ounce of guilt. If you really want this NC thing to be what it is, you are going to have to contact his wife and enlighten her of the situation, pure and simple. If you want no contact to be no contact, do the right thing. flea my brother... I am 90% decided YES that I will tell his wife of the affair....AFTER my wife gets her promotion. He knows it is coming.....if he was a smart man, he would tell his wife first... Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay She thought about not telling me who helped her....but she didnt want to do that. In her eyes she was doing the right thing by telling me the truth. So I do have to praise her for that. That's progress. Now you two might talk about how you can make the most out of your opportunities to please each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 TMW The other night I went to my car at the airport after having gone on a 5 day trip... it was 11 pm at night when the kids and I packed our suitcases in the trunk and jumped into the car... only to find that the battery was dead! I tried flagging down two drivers who ignored me, eventually I found a well dressed man in a Buick about to drive off from his parking space, and asked for his help. He drove around two aisles down to my car, got out and went for his jumper cables in his trunk... at that point he turned to me and demanded I give him $15. He insisted! I had the option of telling him no, and then to try find someone else who could help me at that time of night -- someone else not only willing to help me, but someone with jumper cables, as I didn't have any... I decided to pay the 'kind' Samaritan the $15... here's the thing... when you are a woman with a dead battery, it is not so pleasant to have to wait around in a parking lot for help... especially after hours... you are pretty fortunate when someone SAFE stops to help you, promptly. Your wife's ex OM cared for your wife at one point... of course he would have stopped to offer help, and she -- being a woman with car trouble at night, and knowing that this man was (relatively) safe, accepted his help, and obviously thanked him -- to which he obviously said what he said about always being willing to help. Yes -- I would be pissed if my H had ANY contact with his previous OW... but you have to take it in context... and the fact that your wife told you about it shows that she is intent on keeping your trust by being honest with you. She was in an awkward situation when that ex OM stopped to help her; she needed help, knew he could help her immediately, but worried about the No Contact agreement... I think that fact that she saw your unhappy reaction to that contact incident will alert her to your sensitivity of any contact at all with him, and that she will try even harder to stick to it. Just view the incident as an unfortunate occurance -- one that is unlikely to happen again... and... get that battery checked! Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 AAA, tow truck, taxi cab, call Thumbing... The point is that since she didn't do such a great job of keeping proper boundries in the past, she needs to be EXTRA careful, perhaps even suffer some inconvenience, rather than let additional contact occur. In my opinion, her working there is, at a minimum, not okay, but that's been decided by the only one who has a right to decide it: TMW. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted April 26, 2005 Share Posted April 26, 2005 TMW, I didn't read all the replies but I can tell you, I would be upset of my H stopped and gave the OW help if her battery was dead. There are many ppl that could of help her . And as what the OM said to your W "I'd do anything for you" would tick me off more than him actually jump starting her car. I think her telling you about it was the right thing to do. I wish that your W didn't work w/ the OM. My H worked for the OW for several months after the A and every morning I woke up I thought of him working w/ her, it made me sick to my stomach. TG she got him fired a few months after he broke it off (both of them should of been fired). I am sorry your are going through this, I know how much it hurts and bothers you. NO one will ever understand what a BS goes through until they deal w/ it themselves. And if they don't feel the pain and hurt that we feel, they have no heart, JMO. Link to post Share on other sites
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