Break up stages and progress

[Meli22]

You're right. And what I meant was, nothing in particular happened for this shift from him. He said one day the passion felt weird and I wanted to work on it but he closed up, I think he'd emotionally left at this point. It's sad that people don't always communicate properly because problems can be fixed. It was all very contradictory. Having said that, my previous thread describes what I've realised since that relationship and that he was quite controlling and almost emotionally abusive, so it's kind of a blessing in disguise.

[Meli22]

And regards to pressure, I hadn't thought of that. A few weeks before this started he wanted me to get my fingers measured. Anyway regardless of the actual reason, it's not the kind of rship I want.

[Meli22]

Oops posted twice

[candie13]

wow, I would have bitten his arse off, if he had pulled that stunt on me. Of course you stayed, ring and stuff. Some men are just full of BS, gotta constantly watch out for weirdos... jesus, it's really tough, at times, I swear !

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Let me see. She left me, engaged and wedding planned for 2 weeks from today actually, deposit put on buying a house etc.

Up and down at the moment, it's been 5 weeks or so. The ups are becoming far more common. I don't miss her as such, as she's shown her true colours since she left, and it's clear I avoided a bad situation. I still get upset over being treated unfairly and the shock of the change is still there but wearing off. She pretty much moved on to someone 11 years younger than her right away, and this just shows she had no respect for me, and all we had planned. I really really don't know why she let the relationship progress so far and planning all that stuff if her heart wasn't in it. 4 weeks since I heard anything from her and that was just abuse. I'll never contact her again and will ignore any contact from her, although I don't expect any.

 

There are moments of bliss but it's still hard. I would think in a few months time though my head will be in a much better place, it already is, 5 weeks later. Onwards and upwards.

 

Your situation makes me so very sad. I am so sorry and I can't even imagine planning all of that just to have it go south like that. Do you think it possibly may be a case of cold feet on her end?

 

so I'll be posting on this every now and then to give you guys an update and to keep track of my progress. we broke up 3 days ago and today also makes day 3 of Nc. The day of the break up I cried a lot, felt like crap, could barely eat, and thought about her all day. Day 2 I had a dream about her, cried a little, and thought about her a few times throughout the day. Today is day 3, I woke up this morning feeling a bit better, I obviously am thinking about her becomes I'm here. But I do feel a bit better, hopefully this is a step in the right direction.

 

The dreams are the worst. I used to actually have those dreams of ex leaving while we were together, but I could wake up and reach over and he'd be right there. Now when I have them, that isn't the case. Makes you feel extremely alone, doesn't it?

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

For my situation, today marks 3 weeks since our breakup (he was the dumper and we had been together a little over 1.5 yrs). The first two were full of absolute misery, but I had talked to him on the phone last Sunday and decided to move on, felt mildly empowered and had a good couple of days, found out he's talking to someone new on Wednesday and had been since like a week after we broke up, and relapsed.

 

I saw him in person for the first time since the breakup last night, and interestingly, HE was the one who went all psycho ex on me. I avoided him like the plague, but he kept pursuing me. He told me two or three times that he still loves me, the new girl means nothing, commented on my choice of men, and just being all around drunk and stupid.

 

I don't know what to think now, and how much of what he said was real. I'm more confused now than ever, but oddly I feel a little better knowing it has been hard for him as well because I thought he had already forgotten about us. It's going to be an uphill battle for sure.

[Meli22]

wow, I would have bitten his arse off, if he had pulled that stunt on me. Of course you stayed, ring and stuff. Some men are just full of BS, gotta constantly watch out for weirdos... jesus, it's really tough, at times, I swear !

 

Haha honestly, I wonder why I put up with some of the s*** that I did. But at the time we never see it. It's only when we step away.

[nowa1234]

I am about 3 and a half months post BU, and trust me it does go better..

 

I was dumped out of nowhere (at least I didnt see any). One evening after dinner, he left to buy matches (literally) and then called me from outside saying that it is over and i have to move out of the house we shared together until morning.. He involved third parties too to deal with the lease.. The pain was so immense that I thought that I am going to die..

 

My first couple of weeks were a total misery, not eating at all, not sleeping, restless, shaking, pounding, literally hurting me physically heart.. Lost at least 10 pounds, smoked 100 cigarettes a day, lived on water and alcohol and nothing else..

The physiological symptoms of a shock cleared up after roughly 3 weeks and I finally could eat something, decided give up on smoking and drinking.. Started intense exercise and therapy.. Not to mention I was in complete NC..

After 1st month post BU I was overwhelmed with depression but I decided not to give up.. I cried almost every evening - yes, but I kept healthy eating, meeting people, excersing reading and in general I decided to spoil myself..

2 months after BU still thinking about him, but without pain anymore, and I had very long moments that I didnt think about him at all..

Today 3 and a half months post BU - I do think about him sometimes, sometimes more intense, but I realised that I REALLY dont want him. I can see myself without him and I am looking forward to what will happen in the future (without him).

It does go better. It really does.. Just keep going..

 

Trust me people it DOES go better, you need to help yourself a little bit - go NC as soon as you only can manage and do things for yourself only, spoil your self.

[Meli22]

That's rough, so sorry to hear. Without any explanation at all, that is awful. Sounds like you're definitely on the up, good for you! Has he tried to contact you at all?

[nowa1234]

Thank you Meli.. Yes it was really really tough..

 

He did contact me first day after BU regarding how to collect his stuff and about the apartment, but I wasnt able to have any chat with him at that point.. But I needed to sort out the finances with him so I contacted him 2 weeks after BU.. It went bitter and very unpleasant but finally he agreed to contribute until lease ended..

 

After that I kept strict NC, which wasnt that difficult for me, because I felt so hurt and so humiliated that I didnt want to do nothing with him at all..

 

He has contacted me about week ago, texting and emailing, asking if we can talk. I ignored. I dont want to talk to him. I dont want to hear his bull****, whatever it is. I just want to forget about him completely..

[candie13]

Thank you Meli.. Yes it was really really tough..

 

He did contact me first day after BU regarding how to collect his stuff and about the apartment, but I wasnt able to have any chat with him at that point.. But I needed to sort out the finances with him so I contacted him 2 weeks after BU.. It went bitter and very unpleasant but finally he agreed to contribute until lease ended..

 

After that I kept strict NC, which wasnt that difficult for me, because I felt so hurt and so humiliated that I didnt want to do nothing with him at all..

 

He has contacted me about week ago, texting and emailing, asking if we can talk. I ignored. I dont want to talk to him. I dont want to hear his bull****, whatever it is. I just want to forget about him completely..

 

you're very brave !!! whatta SOB ! did he explain what came over him ? why the sudden change of heart? Not that it matters, but it does give closure.

[nowa1234]

you're very brave !!! whatta SOB ! did he explain what came over him ? why the sudden change of heart? Not that it matters, but it does give closure.

 

No, he never did. The evening he left, after he asked me to get lost from the apartment by the morning, he was texting me incoherently about why he is leaving.. But he never indicated to me before that there are any issues, so I was completely unaware and not prepared..

 

After that NC 3 months..

 

His recent attempt of contact - I dont know what does he want and I am not really interested to find out..

I sort of found out the closure in myself - it is me who now understands that relationship was not good for me and I dont want it.

[Thecondor1991]

Your situation makes me so very sad. I am so sorry and I can't even imagine planning all of that just to have it go south like that. Do you think it possibly may be a case of cold feet on her end?

 

 

 

The dreams are the worst. I used to actually have those dreams of ex leaving while we were together, but I could wake up and reach over and he'd be right there. Now when I have them, that isn't the case. Makes you feel extremely alone, doesn't it?

Yeah... I didn't have a dream about her last night though, but she was the first thing I thought about when I opened my eyes. Guess old habits die hard. I went out with my brother and a couple of his friends last night and I went golfing for the first time. Had a couple drinks and missed her like hell, but there were a few moments where I had stopped thinking about her and really enjoyed myself. This is day 4 of Nc and I still miss her and really want to talk to her, but everyday I feel like I need to less and less. Edited May 17, 2015 by Thecondor1991

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Yeah... I didn't have a dream about her last night though, but she was the first thing I thought about when I opened my eyes. Guess old habits die hard. I went out with my brother and a couple of his friends last night and I went golfing for the first time. Had a couple drinks and missed her like hell, but there were a few moments where I had stopped thinking about her and really enjoyed myself. This is day 4 of Nc and I still miss her and really want to talk to her, but everyday I feel like I need to less and less.

 

The mornings are the worst. Waking up and they're not right next to you is an awful feeling.

 

It feels good when you go out and do things after a breakup. I know personally it felt a little weird at first, because I hadn't been single in awhile and I didn't really go out while I was with the ex. It's important to not sit at home and dwell.

[Meli22]

No, he never did. The evening he left, after he asked me to get lost from the apartment by the morning, he was texting me incoherently about why he is leaving.. But he never indicated to me before that there are any issues, so I was completely unaware and not prepared..

 

After that NC 3 months..

 

His recent attempt of contact - I dont know what does he want and I am not really interested to find out..

I sort of found out the closure in myself - it is me who now understands that relationship was not good for me and I dont want it.

 

You're so strong, well done! It's good you've realised all of this now. Personally I'd love to hear him out and see what his explanation is, but you're doing the right thing!

[soulforge]

This is week 3 for me... was dating 4months, but was very intense..

 

Had a minor argument, she dropped all communication with me.. this was the second time around she dropped communication with me..

 

Tried talking, she kept escalating rather than sorting the issue.. after 8 days of not getting anywhere.. i officially ended it with her..

 

Just could not see us having a healthy future with someone who is so unwilling to communicate and reslove problems..

 

Was feeling much better uptill last week... found out she is back on pof dating site..

 

Was abit of a shock for me, felt like reaching out to her... but luckily i did not..

 

 

Feeling a little better about things, still eating okay.. still going to the gym 4 days a week..

 

Yeh i miss her, felt like i had no choice but to end it... starting to realise it more than likely would not have worked in long run!!

 

 

I,m hoping to be completely over her in the next few months

[Meli22]

I often find myself hitting the anger stage. I think it's because I have only now realised how manipulate and controlling he was. I find myself asking.. Why wasn't I good enough after I changed myself for you (bad move) and it was still never enough. I'd rather be angry than depressed and missing them though.

[tasstears]

I'm 2 months into my breakup as well, from a 1.5yr relationship... though i'm technically the 'dumper'.

 

I left because I didn't feel like my emotional needs were being met and that he wasn't prioritizing me.. and at first I was like, here I go, moving forward etc etc. Though completely crushed I felt like I was being strong for not putting up with an unhappy situation (since in previous relationships I've stayed far longer than i should have - through abusive situations etc.). I had trouble eating and sleeping, and i drank too much and cried all the time.. but I had it in my head that I was doing what was best for us.. I worked out a lot and went out with friends/made new friends etc.

 

So Stage One was about a month and like a weird mix of 'ONWARD AND UPWARD' and '**** my life, i think i'm dying'

 

Stage two happened after we met up so I could get my things from his house after being apart 5 weeks. This was when he told me how devastated he'd been (i really didn't know) and how much he hadn't wanted me to leave etc. We ended up sleeping together but agreed it shouldn't happen again. For a week or two after that we entered into a friendsy situation where we talked far more often than we should have and i felt pretty content.

 

Stage 3 happened when I realized talking to him all the time was preventing me from moving on.. and I just felt like we were still together. I said we should get space/initiated no contact.. and then I fell apart again. Back to crying everyday and missing him possibly even more than before stage 2. Now I'm not sure I made the right decision at all and wonder if we could have worked it out.

 

 

 

I think everyone has different stages I guess.. depending on the relationship, the cause of the breakup, who broke up with who etc. but either way - it is all a giant sack of garbage.

 

Woah kismet, your story is a lot similar to mine. I was basically the last on his hierarchy of priorities and technically, I am the dumpee (we broke up mutually but is there even such a thing). I was all "lets go, cruising along. Life is great!" until he dropped me a text to get his things back.

 

Now I am absolutely crushed. Why would he want to text me out of the blue to get something minor and probably doesn't matter?! It feels like he's just trying to make sure that I'm still in love with him and that really sucks, because I am. I'm still head over heels for him and it's frustrating that I can't get it out of my system while he's feeling carefree.

 

Hope you're doing better than I am!

[Tone Loc]

Dumper. I'm not sure exactly when we broke up, maybe it was a month ago or maybe nine days ago. I'd like to say I'm feeling happy and relieved to be rid of a major burden. I had been planning an exit strategy since the first month of our 9 month relationship and now I have what I want. Anyway...the worst thing is that I'm becoming frustrated with her attempts at continuing contact. It's becoming annoying! My biggest regret is giving her my home address, ahhh!!! Never should have done that. Should have nipped this whole thing in the bud in the first place, this relationship should never have happened but I forced it. I regret the time (and money) wasted on someone who showed no appreciation, no passion and little interest.

 

Overall I'd say I'm feeling happy. I would be lying if I said I'm feeling sad or lonely or devastated or anything like that, I'm not feeling that anymore. I watched Noah Elkrief's videos on YouTube (I highly recommend his videos for all those struggling to cope after a break up) and he opened my eyes up to the reality of my situation. So if you're struggling, I urge you to look him up on YouTube for some valuable insight. I've got problems in my life, but my ex is not one of them. She's not a source of happiness or fulfilment, I must seek that from elsewhere. Missing someone, loving someone...these are just thoughts passing through your mind, not genuine feelings.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Dumper. I'm not sure exactly when we broke up, maybe it was a month ago or maybe nine days ago. I'd like to say I'm feeling happy and relieved to be rid of a major burden. I had been planning an exit strategy since the first month of our 9 month relationship and now I have what I want. Anyway...the worst thing is that I'm becoming frustrated with her attempts at continuing contact. It's becoming annoying! My biggest regret is giving her my home address, ahhh!!! Never should have done that. Should have nipped this whole thing in the bud in the first place, this relationship should never have happened but I forced it. I regret the time (and money) wasted on someone who showed no appreciation, no passion and little interest.

 

Overall I'd say I'm feeling happy. I would be lying if I said I'm feeling sad or lonely or devastated or anything like that, I'm not feeling that anymore. I watched Noah Elkrief's videos on YouTube (I highly recommend his videos for all those struggling to cope after a break up) and he opened my eyes up to the reality of my situation. So if you're struggling, I urge you to look him up on YouTube for some valuable insight. I've got problems in my life, but my ex is not one of them. She's not a source of happiness or fulfilment, I must seek that from elsewhere. Missing someone, loving someone...these are just thoughts passing through your mind, not genuine feelings.

 

My question is how come you waited so long to end the relationship? If you were looking for a way out since the first month, no wonder the girl is having such a hard time with NC. The longer the relationship goes on, the harder it is.

[Meli22]

I wonder that too. After just one month of a relationship it's easier to walk away, I wonder why you didn't do it sooner. I feel sorry for the girl.. Basically she had been lied to for 9 months.

[kismetkismet]

Woah kismet, your story is a lot similar to mine. I was basically the last on his hierarchy of priorities and technically, I am the dumpee (we broke up mutually but is there even such a thing). I was all "lets go, cruising along. Life is great!" until he dropped me a text to get his things back.

 

Now I am absolutely crushed. Why would he want to text me out of the blue to get something minor and probably doesn't matter?! It feels like he's just trying to make sure that I'm still in love with him and that really sucks, because I am. I'm still head over heels for him and it's frustrating that I can't get it out of my system while he's feeling carefree.

 

Hope you're doing better than I am!

 

Gah it's so rough! I would be cautious about him getting his stuff because it can be a slippery slope - especially if the stuff isn't expensive or important. I only got mine because what i had there was worth a lot of money. But he kept talking and talking to keep me there and then we started talking and crying about the relationship and then... etc etc

 

I initiated no contact then.. which lasted for 2.5 weeks, and thennnn we drunk texted and ended up spending the last 2 nights and days together. So I imagine I'm going to wind up in some sort of denial stage again. Now I feel like i might want him back... but I'm not sure if he does.. he says he still loves me, but i don't know if he will want to try again.. it might be too much pressure.