Maggie Lane Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) Paraphrasing cause it would take forever.... Married 13 years. His third marriage, my second. He is 57 and I am 49. He always said he is tired, doesn't feel good, has low testosterone (but took the pills when he was having the affairs) etc....basically rejected me and my overtures. In my gut I knew something was wrong. This started 6 months into the marriage. One year ago I got two separate validations that my husband had been cheating. I moved out. Through counseling I found out he had cheated on and off for the last 30 years and all three of us wives. I also admitted that I had cheated as well during this counseling. I am no longer having the affair. Almost one year later, individual and marriage counseling, Celebrate recovery sessions and weekly church....stuck in there after catching him in more lies and finding out he approached my friend, and had sex with "old" neighborhood neighbors, as well as I busted him in lies about our "new" neighborhood neighbor before it happened. I think. At this time I believe he is NOT having actual affairs with women.... Now it is the porn. He had always viewed it...but now it hurts even more that he does. I can see his history that he looks...but does not come to me for the intimacy. I have shown him that I know, he says one addiction at a time. How long do I let this continue to happen? I have shown ALL MY CARDS and now he is really good at hiding his call records, wipes out the history on the computers etc. He travels for his job all the time so I have no idea what he is doing and has always been very jealous and controlling of what I am doing. My friendships have gone sour cause I don't tend to them due to my husband and me not willing to deal with the backlash if I do something that is "normal and healthy" . He says I am picking others over him. I have this gut feeling that all this is not over....and really scared to move home. My lease ends in 2.5 months and he is pressuring me to move home. If I dont he will divorce me. Stressed out and cant think straight anymore. Edited May 14, 2015 by Maggie Lane
SycamoreCircle Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I don't think porn is the problem. He is. Get away from him. He is a liar and religiously unfaithful. You, on the other hand, sound like the personification of a quagmire. Break ties with this toxic person. Set yourself up around "spirits" who've proven in the past that they care about you---if that means it's just your lonesome and Mr. Whiskers, the cat, then so be it. You mentioned church. God helps those who help themselves...right? 1
Author Maggie Lane Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) Personification of a quagmire? I am the mess or I am in a mess. LOL I want to clarify that when I say I dont think this is over yet....I mean his issues. The marriage, I feel is over but feel I need to make it work. Head says one thing the heart says another. Is it that I feel the need to validate that I am worthy of him loving me the way it is supposed to be? Am I in denial again if I want to believe a person can change? Edited May 14, 2015 by Maggie Lane
SycamoreCircle Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) Personification of a quagmire? I am the mess or I am in a mess. LOL I want to clarify that when I say I dont think this is over yet....I mean his issues. The marriage, I feel is over but feel I need to make it work. Head says one thing the heart says another. Is it that I feel the need to validate that I am worthy of him loving me the way it is supposed to be? -My life is miserable! -Change your life. -My life isn't so bad. Excuse me while I go beat my head on a rock. Scratch that. He's not the problem. You're the problem. Edited May 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language
Author Maggie Lane Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) Not everyone thinks of relationships as throw away. Anyone with any real human advice???? Edited May 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
davidromero43 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 really scared to move home. If I dont he will divorce me. Problem solved Live the life you really want to live.
SJS Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 If you move home, are you ready to continue getting ongoing lies from him? If it's not one thing it's another. This has been going on long before you were in the picture...it's something he's always done and probably always will do. It also sounds like a very toxic relationship and a bit abusive (him not letting you have friends or a life away from him). However, I think you really need to listen to your gut, not us.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Divorce him. Most normal guys will choose a real woman for sex, then porn. Your husband is a douche & not husband material for most women.
SerCay Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 You are extremely codependent and addicted to his breadcrumbs. Stop working on your marriage for a while and start working on you ASAP. Once you are worked out, you will realize what you have to do. GL
autumnnight Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Not everyone thinks of relationships as throw away. Anyone with any real human advice???? If my spouse annoys me so I leave, that is throwaway. If my spouse repeatedly cheats, rejects me in favor of porn, and blows off my concerns and I leave... That's not throw away. That is self-respect. 2
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 He is who he is, all throughout his previous marriages too. He never changed his ways, learned to better himself. He puts himself first and seems he can't be bothered to make a genuine effort to be a good husband to you. Divorce him. Don't be afraid, you have friends and family to help you through this. Life is too short to waste on someone who will never change and makes you feel unloved and undesirable. 1
Fugu Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Third marriage, eh? What were his explanation for the first two? Did you expect any changes? Not blaming you, but people are married multiple times for a reason. There's an old Arab proverb: If one person thinks you're an ass, pay him no mind. If four or five people think you're an ass, maybe it's time to buy a saddle. 1
elaine567 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Third marriage, eh? What were his explanation for the first two? Did you expect any changes? Not blaming you, but people are married multiple times for a reason. There's an old Arab proverb: If one person thinks you're an ass, pay him no mind. If four or five people think you're an ass, maybe it's time to buy a saddle. Love the proverb
Taramere Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Not everyone thinks of relationships as throw away. No, not everybody does. Unfortunately it sounds as though your husband is among those who do. Persevering with any sort of relationship through difficulties requires the will (for the relationship to survive) on both sides. If you're persevering with somebody who isn't making any real reciprocal effort then perseverance stops becoming a virtue. You moved out on account of wholly unacceptable behaviour. Okay, we went to marriage counselling with you - but what difference did it make? He carried on with this unacceptable, disloyal behaviour. The guy brings a bag of crap to the table, from the sound of it. He's not satisfying you sexually and he's cheating on you. What pluses are there in that? And now... I have this gut feeling that all this is not over....and really scared to move home. My lease ends in 2.5 months and he is pressuring me to move home. If I dont he will divorce me So is that his notion of working on things? Behaving abysmally, projecting all his disloyal tendencies onto you by being jealous and controlling...then issuing you with ultimatums because you finally had enough? Anyone with any real human advice???? Everybody contributing to your thread is a human being....and we all believe you deserve to be respected as a human being. Your husband's behaviour is appalling, and he's clearly got no commitment to changing. If he's not developed a decent character by the age of 59, he's not going to. If you stick with him, at best you'll get 15 years more misery and then you'll spend the rest of his life taking care of him as he becomes increasingly frail (and, most likely, horrible and demanding). If that's what you want to sign up for, by all means go back to him. Personally I'd be regarding his crappy ultimatum as a Get Out of Jail Free card. 4
pureinheart Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Hi Maggie, I know this might sound strange, but he is not rejecting you. IMO he's sick and needs help. I'm not good at explaining this stuff, but will try. Neurologically speaking, through watching porn has over time hardwired himself to the porn. It's what it's meant to do- create an addiction. As with all other addictions, the addiction comes first. Just remember, this is not you, but him. Period.
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