Disassociative disorder and dredging up memories

[todreaminblue]

I honestly probably should seek professional help on this one but i dont want to sit face to face with someone......and have to impromptu speak i would rather write it out......i would just get confused.....

 

Yesterday was a trigger day for me.....normally when i write on loveshack i can distance when i share history...and sometimes the posts that are written concerning sexual topics trigger an intense reaction...well that happened yesterday.....so i was on facebook a few days ago and there was this question about justice and whether you believe in it...well i surely do believe in justice...in my history i never really got to have justice ......and i am also part of a hometown group......a familiar name came up a brother of a long lost friend who i have been searching for......for years actually...with no luck.....i cotnacted him....and asked if he could put me in contact with his sister.....he read my message and didnt reply.....

 

 

this friend of mine ....didnt agree with me becoming a hooker....and we had a falling out when she walked in to the strip club i was working at......we grew apart......she moved on...and i never moved on......i never got to say sorry or tell her she was right.......i never had the chance ......i disassociated back then....a lot......i was trapped and i never really explained that to her....so anyway....seems like i wont be able to have closure even if it were for her to tell me that she never wants to speak to me again and that no she doesnt accept my apology......caused this cold feeling to come back.....a numbness an acceptance of futility......

 

 

so what do i do......

 

 

i ask about the orphanage on facebook....the place where my rapist worked when i was a child as a gardener....and i have found out the name of a persons aunt who ran the place during the periods of my assaults....which means she probably hired him.......and these memories are flooding back......names....places......people...things i have done and been and seen........and the numbness is growing...like what will i achieve....ill find out his last name search him out.....knowing i never want to face him......i dont think i could and live......but i might know where not to visit where i might come across him......i dont know...if i should even go further.......i havent told anyone not my family or my friends how i am feeling...because i really dont feel good at all.........just messaged the brother that i would like to speak with his sister and that the falling out was unfortunately my fault......as far as the orphanage thread on the hometown group it got many replies.......one girl saying she made a white dress with red spots on it when she was girl to give one of the little children staying there.....which triggered again the memory of the white dress with strawberries that my attacker gave me.......my mum always wondered why the dress was more for a toddler...and babyish......i think i know......that was what he was attracted to.....and that a random question that i asked on facebook would deliver such an answer....yeah well....hard to handle.......

 

i actually feel pretty heartbroken......mainly about my long lost friend....its been two decades plus......i dont know what i am doing...dont even know again why i am writing this here.....as i said there's this numbness...coldness.....confusion.....maybe its because i am being ignored again...maybe thats why i have to write it all out

 

 

i think the overall feeling i have is a state of limbo.....not wanting to move forward not wanting really to look behind me......and remember everything...i am not meant to......

 

 

i have a family now....i have good friends...i do love where i am...i am home amongst compassionate spirits........none of them know the real me or how i feel though,and ill smile and do what i do all the time.....but in here....right now...in these words....is a confused and broken heart...just words on a screen...deb

[I_Give_Up67]

Very sad Deb. You never know what individual members have gone through in their lives..

[Auspecial]

I used to work with a woman who had been forced into incest by her father. Not step-father. He would pick her up from elementary school and tell the school she had a dental appointment, then take her out to the woods.

 

I don't think she had a disassociative disorder, but she did have a big problem with depression. Luckily, she had a very supportive family of her own (her husband and child.)

 

At one point she talked about wanting to go to her home town in Georgia and confront him. I told her I would go with her. We were a tight group of co-workers and several others said they would go too. It never came down to it, but if she had been serious, I would have gone with her and had her back with whatever she wanted to do.

 

If I knew you, and you asked me, I would go with you, also. So that you would see that you aren't alone.

[amaysngrace]

Hey Deb. You really should go see somebody, a professional, to help you process the flashbacks.

 

You are suppose to be remembering it now otherwise your mind would still be blocking it. Obviously you are strong enough and are safe enough now to remember.

 

Those flashbacks are a huge part of healing. They can be scary but remind yourself that you've already lived through the worst part and you did it as a child.

 

You are certainly a strong one!!

 

Love and hugs...xo

[todreaminblue]

I used to work with a woman who had been forced into incest by her father. Not step-father. He would pick her up from elementary school and tell the school she had a dental appointment, then take her out to the woods.

 

I don't think she had a disassociative disorder, but she did have a big problem with depression. Luckily, she had a very supportive family of her own (her husband and child.)

 

At one point she talked about wanting to go to her home town in Georgia and confront him. I told her I would go with her. We were a tight group of co-workers and several others said they would go too. It never came down to it, but if she had been serious, I would have gone with her and had her back with whatever she wanted to do.

 

If I knew you, and you asked me, I would go with you, also. So that you would see that you aren't alone.

 

I dont know where my rapist is he took off.......so even if i were to go back....and i were to speak to other survivors......of this couple..yep husband and wife......the children are handicapped adults........the home for little children was for handicapped little children...the home closed four years after i told. my parents what was going on.....my parents informed the orphanage......when i told a girl about my history......i became an outcast.....and do you know i thought i had forgiven them in my heart.......i havent really.... i figured that out when is saw a picture of the girl i told...made me feel sick cold and little all over again.....her mother branded me a liar......and no ...i dont forgive her either............deb..

[amaysngrace]

You don't have to forgive anybody but yourself. This wasn't your fault and the girl who passed judgment on you never had to cope with what you had to carry either so I'm not sure how her opinion back then matters.

 

Has she walked a mile in your shoes?

 

Maybe she's not worthy of being your friend...did you ever think of that? I don't think you're the type to hold it against her if tables were reversed.

 

She may not be good enough to be called your friend.

[preraph]

TodreaminBlue, you really do need to just get help in sorting out all those memories and feelings about them. Because you dissociated. It's kind of dangerous for you to feel your way through all that backwater without some help. And I think the first thing you need is to get into a support group for adult survivors of molestation. Then you get the support and you make new friends and don't feel so alone or judged. You should look on the internet in your area. You can always contact a women's shelter and ask them for resources like that and if you're in an area that doesn't have that, try the victim's advocate at the police station. They may not have the exact referral, but they'll have somewhere to start looking.

 

Then once you can find a group, there will be a psychologist linked to it probably. Don't struggle with this alone.

 

The first thing you have to rid yourself of is the feeling any of it was your fault and any guilt associated with that. But you need help getting there.

[regine_phalange]

You are one of the sweetest and most refined members in here, so I'm twice as sad.

 

I really think you shouldn't go through this alone! Maybe behavioural psychotherapy could help? It could possibly help you experience these triggers in a way that don't hurt you. It would take time and it may be hard and hurtful at first. And maybe you'd have to go to different therapists until you find the one you want to work with. But I warmly urge you to give it a shot. You don't deserve to feel like this.

 

I wish I could be of more help. But always here if you want to share something <3

[todreaminblue]

Thanks regine and phe raph and amay and i give up.....and i hear loud and clear....it makes sense that i should seek professional help...if were an outsider reading my thread i would suggest exactly the same thing......the fact s i am listed on the mental health system.....as a schizo affective......i am in no way schizophrenic.....and the only treatment they will give em are meds hospital stays and maybe ect......any therapist would refer em back to the acute care team...they would have to......chances are they would hospitalize me again put me on some heavy duty drugs and let me sit and look at the flowers....in a co ed ward with men.......a child among men is not a good idea........

 

 

i need to develop mindfulness .....not lose my mind to drugs and .......i prefer holistic and talk therapy ...it pays the drug companies more to have me as a child zombie who is forever on a cocktail of anti depressants and psychotropics......so no......

 

 

i pushed too hard ....and im not fit enough to speak up......i need to get out more......and i need to find internal peace....i started last week....i go to choir now and my voice will be heard...just not telling my past........and ill continue by adding more activities......the more i dwell in a past that hurts...the more ill hurt.....i prefer physical pain always to mental anguish ...i can handle physical pain...i need to develop mindfulness......so ill add music......and prayer and maybe i can talk to a person i trust soon...my bishop instead of a stranger who sits and nods and pulls out his prescription pad while i am speaking....watching the clock and all i dont ever finish talking...i say thanks for listening doc....for after all he gave me precious time......and i have to be polite.....ill speak to my bishop who in all likely hood would tell me to seek counselling......but maybe if i tell my bishop its the child; who goes into an adult mental ward.......with sick men....he might understand why i choose to try and find mindfulness.i end up entangled ina bush somewhere with some really sick guy.all i can say is god has helped me come out of some pretty bad situations.i am going to throw myself into being busy....and filling my time with pursuits...

 

 

 

that dont include pursuing a broken stuffed up past.....i really did make a mistake......and now ill fix it....if i get my private health cover back and i wait the allotted time i might be able to go private which means i might not end up in a public ward and see if there is a non co ed psyche unit......or at least seperated.......its goign to take time...until then ...i am going to get fit.....in as many ways as i can.....and strengthen that voice that needs to be heard....or at least blended with a choir....singing consider the lillies.....thankyou so much for all of your replies ...i appreciate them .................deb

[Tayla]

deb, you share so much here, in a pure and kind way. Let us be your spirit of strength. share here til you can get some professional guidance.

 

You have forgiven so much.... take time to heal in a comforting way.,, at your pace.

PTSD under your life events is common. Something that gets managed yet doesn't go away entirely. The holistic seems to work for some people. I sincerely wish you peace of mind and soul... {*{hugs Deb}*}

-Tayla

[amaysngrace]

If giving it a rest for now is what you need to do then do just that.

 

Right now it's all about you and what makes you feel safe. If drugs don't make you feel safe then tell them "no thanks, I'd rather do without"

 

They have to respect you and your wishes Deb. If talk therapy is the way you want to go then tell them that.

 

Now is your time to get what you need. Please keep believing that you matter. Know that you've always mattered.

[Auspecial]

Thanks regine and phe raph and amay and i give up.....and i hear loud and clear....it makes sense that i should seek professional help...if were an outsider reading my thread i would suggest exactly the same thing......the fact s i am listed on the mental health system.....as a schizo affective......i am in no way schizophrenic.....and the only treatment they will give em are meds hospital stays and maybe ect......any therapist would refer em back to the acute care team...they would have to......chances are they would hospitalize me again put me on some heavy duty drugs and let me sit and look at the flowers....in a co ed ward with men.......a child among men is not a good idea........

 

 

i need to develop mindfulness .....not lose my mind to drugs and .......i prefer holistic and talk therapy ...it pays the drug companies more to have me as a child zombie who is forever on a cocktail of anti depressants and psychotropics......so no......

 

 

i pushed too hard ....and im not fit enough to speak up......i need to get out more......and i need to find internal peace....i started last week....i go to choir now and my voice will be heard...just not telling my past........and ill continue by adding more activities......the more i dwell in a past that hurts...the more ill hurt.....i prefer physical pain always to mental anguish ...i can handle physical pain...i need to develop mindfulness......so ill add music......and prayer and maybe i can talk to a person i trust soon...my bishop instead of a stranger who sits and nods and pulls out his prescription pad while i am speaking....watching the clock and all i dont ever finish talking...i say thanks for listening doc....for after all he gave me precious time......and i have to be polite.....ill speak to my bishop who in all likely hood would tell me to seek counselling......but maybe if i tell my bishop its the child; who goes into an adult mental ward.......with sick men....he might understand why i choose to try and find mindfulness.i end up entangled ina bush somewhere with some really sick guy.all i can say is god has helped me come out of some pretty bad situations.i am going to throw myself into being busy....and filling my time with pursuits...

 

 

 

that dont include pursuing a broken stuffed up past.....i really did make a mistake......and now ill fix it....if i get my private health cover back and i wait the allotted time i might be able to go private which means i might not end up in a public ward and see if there is a non co ed psyche unit......or at least seperated.......its goign to take time...until then ...i am going to get fit.....in as many ways as i can.....and strengthen that voice that needs to be heard....or at least blended with a choir....singing consider the lillies.....thankyou so much for all of your replies ...i appreciate them .................deb

 

I have read that Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), and some other disorders, can mimic Schizo-Affective.