fumming mad

[lynnspies1]

WTF !!!!!!!!

 

Ok, husband is home, going to therapy with me, the last couple weeks have been very good. He has not given up contact with the other women but it has reduced significantly.

 

Today he gives me a cute card that says wish life was like a VCR and we could fast forward through the crappy times.

 

Then I search out in the garage and find a very serious card that is a love you, miss you can't stand to be away from you card.

 

I get the funny card and she gets the love card. Am I stupid or what. How can he say this is where he wants to be and then behind my back pull this $hit.

 

Lynn

[Ladyjane14]

He needs to go total NO CONTACT with the OW. He's feeding his addiction everytime he interacts with her. There can be NO beginning in the healing of your relationship as husband and wife, while he's doing this. You're back to square one everytime it happens.

 

Does OW's husband know about the affair, btw? The last thing you posted regarding her marital status was that she was separated and attempting reconciliation. (It doesn't look like she's working too hard on that. )

 

It might be time to give some thought to exposure.

 

 

p.s. Did you confront him with the card? If you did, what did he say?

[LoveNoLoss]

Whoa... this is not ok... either therapy isn't working or he has no intention of ever giving up OW and he is taking you for a ride.

[lynnspies1]

She has moved out of her husbands place. They have been separated for six months. I think the only reason she went back was because she had surgery. I think she does not want to get back with him. She has also just ended a three year relationship with another married man! Then jumps right in the sack with my husband.

 

I do not think her husband knows about my husband.

 

I did not speak to him about the card yet. I just left it where it was. How can he lie like this. Why would he want to drag things out with me if he wants her? I think they deserve each other, they are both sluts!

 

Lynn

[beesknees]

Ladyjane14 is right. If you're going to work on this, he needs to STOP seeing the OW. Don't put up with it. You deserve respect and his best efforts. Being w/ you both is just "having his cake, and eating it too."

[whichwayisup]

I do not think her husband knows about my husband.

 

Have you considered telling him?

 

Sorry this is happening to you. He's being a real #$(*%!!!

[lynnspies1]

WWIU,

 

I have considered calling him but have not yet. I thought that we were going to make a go of working this out but now I feel like I am he only one who wants that.

 

If she is separated from her husband (and you have to realize that I am getting all of this from him and a tiny bit from her) that he may not give a rats hinny who she is with. I think it may come back to bite me if I call her husband. Although I do believe that if he is trying to get back with her he should know of her bed partners.

 

I hate my H for doing this. I have been faithful to him for 18 years and now I have to worry about not only who he has slept with but now it is like I have slept with her and her husband and her other married man lover and God knows who else! I feel contaminated. What a creaking jerk!

 

Sorry, needed to vent, I feel better now.

 

Lynn

[Ladyjane14]

I think that some of what you do next is going to depend on your personal views of "the Marriage Sabatical".

 

Is that okay for you? I'll be candid with you....I wouldn't be okay with that in my marriage. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to share my husband with an OW, even for a short duration. In my situation, I dealt with and EA, not a PA. I have to admit, I'm a bit of a hard-a$$ when it comes to that. I doubt I'd have taken my husband back at all after a PA.

 

That's me, but we're talking about YOU. And you should make your decisions based on your own needs, not anyone elses.

 

So, how do you feel about that question? Is "the marriage sabatical okay for you? Because in many ways this is what he is angling for....a break from the marriage in order to explore his options. But he wants to be able to come home if that doesn't pan out.

 

You husband is probably desperately uncertain about where he wants to be later on. He'll tell you whatever you need to hear in order to keep you on the back-burner, waiting, while he resolves his feelings about OW. He'll tell her whatever she needs to hear as well.

 

He's jockeying right now to keep his choices available....still sitting on the fence. He may have said to you that he REALLY wants to make things work, but his actions in maintaining contact with OW do not match his words. He has agreed to counseling, but has NOT agreed to NC.

 

So, in essence, he's saying..."well, I'm going to continue to explore my options with OW, but I'll give you an equal opportunity by exploring my options with you as well". That's not the same thing as saying, "I'm ready to recommit myself to our marriage".

 

There are several courses of action available to you:

 

You could divorce him forthwith, and never listen to another excuse, and never give him another opportunity. He has broken the vows that he made to you. He has broken the covenant upon which your marriage is based, and in so doing released you from your obligations to him.

 

Or, you could accept "the marriage sabatical", and wait for him to work out his issues. He may or may not return to you, depending on how his relationship with OW works out. This would be to give him time, and would support his exploration. You'd be a nice person to do that for him, and he'd likely appreciate it....but it won't mean beans in his final decision. If he's going to leave, he's going to leave...and it won't matter how nice you were to him before.

 

Or, you could roll the dice and demand a choice from him NOW....that is to give him the ultimatum. Bear in mind that the ultimatum should never be issued unless you can truly accept the consequences of it. It can always go either way, and you have no way of determining the outcome. In the case of the ultimatum, time for exploration is OVER. He must either commit himself fully to the marriage, or be cast out of it.

 

So, it may not feel like you are in the driver's seat here, Lynn. But in many ways you are. There are choices that you can make.

 

Until you have decided upon a course of action, I highly recommend that you follow Plan A guidelines. You know, supporting his emotional needs and refraining from name-calling and criticism....making yourself an attractive alternative.

 

Give us a post, when you've thought it over. It's difficult to know what to tell you right now, because I'm not sure what level of risk you're willing to accept.

 

Also, bear in mind that whatever decisions you make, you'll want to talk over with your MC before you implement them.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry, needed to vent, I feel better now.

 

Don't ever be sorry for venting...It helps alot, so keep on doing that.

 

Hugs to you.

[lynnspies1]

Yesterday H said he had to go to the store and left. I went and checked where he had hidden the love card for the OW and saw it was gone. I had not told him that I had found it. I called him on his cell phone and without explaining myself said "you need to really think about the consequences of your actions." I then told him that if he sent a card to her I would ask for a separation. He played stupid at first and then just got off the phone. He then came home and handed me the card he had bought for her. It was still blank inside. He was angry with me but then we had a long conversation and discussed what each of us is willing to tolerate at this point.

 

I had him read part one and two of surviving infidelity and told him that I was going to have to make my decision about plan A soon or move to plan B if he would not be willing.

 

I think we made some progress and have a lot to talk about with the therapist on Wednesday. I was glad that he did not send the card and when I asked him why he decided not to he said because I asked him not to (it was more like a threat). So now I have a miss you, love you can't wait until I see you again card! Wish there was some way I could send it to my old husband that I still feel like was abducted by aliens and the impostor they sent is a terrible replacement! (I am just kidding!)

 

Lynn

[EnigmaXOXO]

You have several things working against you here:

 

First, your husband only came back home because he couldn't set up house with his OW. He tried, but the OW didn't want him (yet) and sent him back home with his tail tucked between his legs. He's not back at the house because he wants to be, rather because he'd be homeless otherwise. OW is using her husband for the very same reason. Mark my words --- the minute she decides she no longer needs someone to sponge off of she'll make her exit (again). And so will your husband.

 

Second, counseling will do your relationship little good at this point because your husband's heart just isn't in it. He didn't agree to therapy because he wants to fix your marriage. He's there because that's the ultimatum you gave him. He's simply doing what ever is necessary to stall for time --- to keep some assemblance of his "comfortable" life together until the time is right for him to run away from home again like the troubled adolescence that he is.

 

Third, your husband is a serial cheater. It wasn't a single rare occurrence where he lacked good judgment; made a mistake; then learned his lesson. Rather this has become a dysfunctional coping strategy for him; an 'escape mechanism' of sorts when he can't deal with stress and responsibilities of REAL life. It has more to do with his character (or lack thereof) than it has to do with you. He's emotionally immature and selfish, and because of this he'd be toxic in any relationship no matter who he was involved with. This kind of person is more likely to find fault with his partners and invent excuses for his behavior than to ever admit the problem might lye with him.

 

You can't fix what you don't acknowledge.

 

Hopefully, you will continue with your therapy sessions. If nothing else, perhaps they will give you some clarity and the tools you need to finally break free of your co-dependency on an emotionally abusive partner. I find it absolutely heart breaking that the only peace, joy and happiness you derive from this union comes in a bottle of anti-depressants and your status as "wife" has been reduced to that of a warden and spy.

 

There are better men out there, Lynnspies. Not all of them are like the one you married. If this one doesn't finally reach some epiphany on the psychiatrist's couch, then I hope at least YOU do!

[lynnspies1]

Ouch Enigma,

 

I was not ready for that but totally see my lack of clarity of thought. You are right and I think that I just need to work my way towards that conclusion. It just looks terrible when you can see it all on paper like that.

 

Lynn

 

I don't recall if I told you all that I am a private investigator. I have done this type of work for other spouses. It is so different now that it is in my house